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I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along, but I feel as though my boyfriend doesn't have the same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son--especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. He can not color, can not read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the TV he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying.My son is a good kid, he doesn't misbehave, doesn't have fights in school, he doesn't talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesn't focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is: Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe a little and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.
-Jessica Diaz
I read your note and I am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severely damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging. Your boyfriend is threatening your child ("I will hit you."). The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week--and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)
Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple"--it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "forgive and forget." The parent and child relationship remains intact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that's fair and reasonable.
PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered.
I'm starting back to work a couple days a week and I'm in a panic. My toddler clings and cries so hard when I leave just to go to the grocery store that breaks my heart. Is there anyway to help my daughter feel more secure now? Thank you! --Susan M., from Reno Nevada
Leaving our children when we know they feel insecure is heartbreaking. But there are solutions you can do now to help ease the pain and help your toddler feel more secure in your absence. The key is to slowly start implementing these tips way several weeks before you have to finally go back to work. The first tip is to make sure your child has a security object of some type.
Here are a few tips to help you help your toddler feel more secure in your absence:
Step 1. PREPARE YOUR TODDLER FOR SHORT GOODBYES
I'm starting back to work a couple days a week and I'm in a panic. My toddler clings and cries so hard when I leave just to go to the grocery store that breaks my heart. Is there anyway to help my daughter feel more secure now? Thank you! --Susan M., from Reno NevadaLeaving our children when we know they feel insecure is heartbreaking. But there are solutions you can do now to help ease the pain and help your toddler feel more secure in your absence. The key is to slowly start implementing these tips way several weeks before you have to finally go back to work. The first tip is to make sure your child has a security object of some type.Here are a few tips to help you help your toddler feel more secure in your absence:
Step 1. PREPARE YOUR TODDLER FOR SHORT GOODBYES
Provide a "lovey." Give a security blanket, cuddly stuffed animal or some kind of "security substitute" for your baby to use in your absence. It is a way for your toddler to soothe herself when you're not there.
Create secure transitions. Start several weeks before you leave by practicing good-byes with your toddler. Start with just saying goodbye when it's just the two of you. Then just leave a bit to go to the next room and pop back in with a big hello. Your baby will begin to realize "Mommy does return."
Continue reading Q&A: Helping Kids Adjust When You Go Back To Work.
Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered.
I have a 7 almost 8 month old son that is around his 2 sisters and has picked up screaming from them. He screams so loud are ears are ringing by the time he's done. Any advice how you can get a baby to stop screaming please? Thanks! -Stephan
Here's the nitty gritty on little screamers: Kids scream because they've learned it works and they will continue to scream if you allow it. Your 8-month-old has clearly learned to scream by copying his older sisters. So far, none of this is new information. These great insights came from you. So here's the new part...
Don't try to change your eight month old baby. He's old the copycat and he will keep yelling until you do lose your hearing. Focus your efforts on stopping his two older sisters from screaming and pronto!
Allowing this screaming behavior to continue will do more than cause everyone to lose their hearing. You also stand to lose family harmony, emotional health, cause sibling rivalry, build stress, breakdown respect and create defiant kids.
Here are the steps to curbing yelling and turning this behavior around:
I have a 7 almost 8 month old son that is around his 2 sisters and has picked up screaming from them. He screams so loud are ears are ringing by the time he's done. Any advice how you can get a baby to stop screaming please? Thanks! -StephanHere's the nitty gritty on little screamers: Kids scream because they've learned it works and they will continue to scream if you allow it. Your 8-month-old has clearly learned to scream by copying his older sisters. So far, none of this is new information. These great insights came from you. So here's the new part...Don't try to change your eight month old baby. He's old the copycat and he will keep yelling until you do lose your hearing. Focus your efforts on stopping his two older sisters from screaming and pronto!
Allowing this screaming behavior to continue will do more than cause everyone to lose their hearing. You also stand to lose family harmony, emotional health, cause sibling rivalry, build stress, breakdown respect and create defiant kids.
Here are the steps to curbing yelling and turning this behavior around:
Continue reading Q&A: My Kid is a Screamer!.
Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered.
I created a situation. I have no idea how I am going to solve. My daughter is almost 2 years and still sleeps with me most nights. She will usually fall asleep in her crib for a couple of hours and then she is calling for me.I don't like to let her yell because she will wake up her sister. She has never been a good sleeper. Durning her first year I tried everything to get her to sleep. Finally I gave up and started bringing her to bed once I started back at work. I need a good nights sleep. She is a twister and a turner. She plays with my hair in the middle of the night if she can't sleep. Help!! -Lana
Oh, the trials and tribulations of co-sharing a bed with a 2-year-old. It always seems like such a great idea in the beginning (after all, our kids do sleep better and so do we when we're all nestled in together). The problem hits when the kiddies start becoming movers and shakers and tossers and turners (or in your case hair twirlers and pullers). Then it's the parent who loses sleep. How to get them OUT of our bed and back into their own is one of the questions I'm asked most these days.
So know there isn't an easy answer. And the "bed switch" will take fortitude on your part. You MUST stick to the plan you choose and not back down. The trick to any behavior plan is to make the child know you are serious and mean business. They will test you so don't give in.
There are two basic techniques. You choose which works best for you and your situation.
The gradual wean. Get a sleeping bag and put it on the floor next to your bed. Each night you gradually pull the bag closer to the door and out of your room until the child is finally in her bed. This one takes a while.
Cold turkey. You would need a set of ear plugs for this one. You matter-of-factly state, "You're sleeping in your own be." and then you put the child back in her own bed. Yes, you will hear her cry but what actually happens is a slow gradual decline of her crying once she knows you're serious. Do not go back into that room if she cries. Once she knows you will she wins and you lose. This is best to start on a Friday night, and not on a work night.
Some parents actually invite a sister or mother to "sit" in the house for two nights while they go and stay at a motel or the sitter's house to speed up the process.
I created a situation. I have no idea how I am going to solve. My daughter is almost 2 years and still sleeps with me most nights. She will usually fall asleep in her crib for a couple of hours and then she is calling for me.I don't like to let her yell because she will wake up her sister. She has never been a good sleeper. Durning her first year I tried everything to get her to sleep. Finally I gave up and started bringing her to bed once I started back at work. I need a good nights sleep. She is a twister and a turner. She plays with my hair in the middle of the night if she can't sleep. Help!! -LanaOh, the trials and tribulations of co-sharing a bed with a 2-year-old. It always seems like such a great idea in the beginning (after all, our kids do sleep better and so do we when we're all nestled in together). The problem hits when the kiddies start becoming movers and shakers and tossers and turners (or in your case hair twirlers and pullers). Then it's the parent who loses sleep. How to get them OUT of our bed and back into their own is one of the questions I'm asked most these days. So know there isn't an easy answer. And the "bed switch" will take fortitude on your part. You MUST stick to the plan you choose and not back down. The trick to any behavior plan is to make the child know you are serious and mean business. They will test you so don't give in.
There are two basic techniques. You choose which works best for you and your situation.
The gradual wean. Get a sleeping bag and put it on the floor next to your bed. Each night you gradually pull the bag closer to the door and out of your room until the child is finally in her bed. This one takes a while.
Cold turkey. You would need a set of ear plugs for this one. You matter-of-factly state, "You're sleeping in your own be." and then you put the child back in her own bed. Yes, you will hear her cry but what actually happens is a slow gradual decline of her crying once she knows you're serious. Do not go back into that room if she cries. Once she knows you will she wins and you lose. This is best to start on a Friday night, and not on a work night.
Some parents actually invite a sister or mother to "sit" in the house for two nights while they go and stay at a motel or the sitter's house to speed up the process.
Continue reading Q&A: Sharing a Bed with Your Child.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
How can I motivate my 17 year old daughter to get a job? She makes half-hearted attempts to find something, and then plenty of excuses why she can't find one. I need help getting her off the couch and into the workforce. -Get A Job
You've hit on the essential parenting query that goes beyond just helping your kid get a job. This is really about "How do you motivate my kid?" And that's a great question because it will impact ever aspect of her life.
There are two kinds of motivation: Outside-In Motivation and Inside-Out Motivation. Your first parenting task is to determine your child's motivation source, then you can create a plan to help her get that job. So think of your daughter and how she handles most aspects of her life. Which of these is most like her?
Outside-in Motivation: Is when the parent pushes the child to do the work, arranging the interviews, circling the want ads, and praising the kid when she makes any attempt or gets that job. The problem here is that the kid ends up relying on the parent to do, push, arrange, praise and basically rescue. The danger is that the child never develops an "I did it!" attitude. After all, somebody else is always going to do, solve, rescue, create, finish for her.
Inside-out Motivation: Is when the child is self-motivated to look through those want-ads, make those phone calls, and develop a job check list. The child's motivation comes from the inside and the parent needs only to stand to the side. This type of motivation evolves over time but you can see remnants way back when your kid did homework in grade school or practiced violin without being asked. An inside-out kid doesn't need mom or dad to praise, push or encourage because she has developed skills such as goal-setting, time management, and prioritizing to go alone.
I'm gathering from your query that "Inside-Out" isn't the best descriptor of your child. If so, don't despair. This can be turned around. In fact, I'm convinced one of our most important parenting tasks is cultivating "inside-out" motivation. Though not easy, it has to be done if our kids are going to survive without us someday, and especially in these tough economic times. You're helping prepare your child for life and is one skill all our kids need.
How can I motivate my 17 year old daughter to get a job? She makes half-hearted attempts to find something, and then plenty of excuses why she can't find one. I need help getting her off the couch and into the workforce. -Get A JobYou've hit on the essential parenting query that goes beyond just helping your kid get a job. This is really about "How do you motivate my kid?" And that's a great question because it will impact ever aspect of her life. There are two kinds of motivation: Outside-In Motivation and Inside-Out Motivation. Your first parenting task is to determine your child's motivation source, then you can create a plan to help her get that job. So think of your daughter and how she handles most aspects of her life. Which of these is most like her?
Outside-in Motivation: Is when the parent pushes the child to do the work, arranging the interviews, circling the want ads, and praising the kid when she makes any attempt or gets that job. The problem here is that the kid ends up relying on the parent to do, push, arrange, praise and basically rescue. The danger is that the child never develops an "I did it!" attitude. After all, somebody else is always going to do, solve, rescue, create, finish for her.
Inside-out Motivation: Is when the child is self-motivated to look through those want-ads, make those phone calls, and develop a job check list. The child's motivation comes from the inside and the parent needs only to stand to the side. This type of motivation evolves over time but you can see remnants way back when your kid did homework in grade school or practiced violin without being asked. An inside-out kid doesn't need mom or dad to praise, push or encourage because she has developed skills such as goal-setting, time management, and prioritizing to go alone.
I'm gathering from your query that "Inside-Out" isn't the best descriptor of your child. If so, don't despair. This can be turned around. In fact, I'm convinced one of our most important parenting tasks is cultivating "inside-out" motivation. Though not easy, it has to be done if our kids are going to survive without us someday, and especially in these tough economic times. You're helping prepare your child for life and is one skill all our kids need.
Continue reading Motivating Your Kid to Get a Job.
You know the moment: Grandma hands your child a beautifully wrapped present and then waits with anticipation for the kid's response. Ah, the excitement! Your child is sure it contains an iPod that they've hinted about for the past weeks, but when your kid rips open the box, she finds a scarf. Pretty. Pink. Cashmere. But not an iPod. Now you could have one awkward moment on you hands. How would your child handle the disappointment?
Let's face it, the holidays are the time of year when we see behaviors in our kids that aren't always so becoming. Here is one Mom's recent question:
I have a three year-old son. He's an only child and I'm a single mom. Here's my dilemma, there are at least 3 birthday parties we'll be attending in the coming weeks and from his behavior last year, it makes me sort of dread attending. When the birthday child opened a gift, my son, started to cry because he wanted one too. How do I handle an encore of this performance?
It's easy for kids to look grateful about receiving gifts they like, but it's much harder for kids to learn to accept an unappealing gift with grace... especially with a younger child. So here's the answer to your dilemma: Teach your child how to accept gifts graciously by rehearsing polite comebacks prior to the event. In fact, the best way to learn any new behavior is by rehearsing it over and over until it kicks in. And the more your child practices ahead of time the more likely he will be able to open up that gift and tactfully say "thank you" despite the disappointment.
With a younger child, play the scene out by giving him a present and rehearsing opening up the present and then practicing the lines. A few gracious responses might be, "Thank you for this. I really appreciate it" or "Thanks. That was nice of you."
Sometimes, "Thank you so much!" might be best. It may help to actually practice what your face looks like when it is happy vs. disappointed. Make sure you discuss the effort that went into buying the gift. Stress that your child doesn't have to like a gift but he must show his appreciation for the effort that went behind the thought.
Christmas morning is fast approaching, so start practicing!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Let's face it, the holidays are the time of year when we see behaviors in our kids that aren't always so becoming. Here is one Mom's recent question:
I have a three year-old son. He's an only child and I'm a single mom. Here's my dilemma, there are at least 3 birthday parties we'll be attending in the coming weeks and from his behavior last year, it makes me sort of dread attending. When the birthday child opened a gift, my son, started to cry because he wanted one too. How do I handle an encore of this performance? It's easy for kids to look grateful about receiving gifts they like, but it's much harder for kids to learn to accept an unappealing gift with grace... especially with a younger child. So here's the answer to your dilemma: Teach your child how to accept gifts graciously by rehearsing polite comebacks prior to the event. In fact, the best way to learn any new behavior is by rehearsing it over and over until it kicks in. And the more your child practices ahead of time the more likely he will be able to open up that gift and tactfully say "thank you" despite the disappointment. With a younger child, play the scene out by giving him a present and rehearsing opening up the present and then practicing the lines. A few gracious responses might be, "Thank you for this. I really appreciate it" or "Thanks. That was nice of you."
Sometimes, "Thank you so much!" might be best. It may help to actually practice what your face looks like when it is happy vs. disappointed. Make sure you discuss the effort that went into buying the gift. Stress that your child doesn't have to like a gift but he must show his appreciation for the effort that went behind the thought.
Christmas morning is fast approaching, so start practicing!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
We have an almost 10 year old girl who is our only child. I'm 54 and my wife is 52. She's a wonderful child but is having a hard time stopping herself from "hitting, kicking, and/or biting" her mother, and sometimes me. We let her get away with it when she was small by not punishing her enough. Now that behavior is still with her, though it has improved considerably. Our daughter is a rather impulsive child, too. We're at our wits end and I don't want to hit her back to make her stop the hitting. But fear is a good teaching tool at times even though I seldom use it. I want to protect her self-esteem and tell her she's a good girl even though she sometimes does bad things. She knows we love her and she herself wants to stop the behavior but is having a hard time. -Anonymous
Let's go straight to curbing your daughter's anger outbursts. Allowing a ten year old to continue biting and hitting is disastrous to your family's harmony and her self-esteem. This appears to be a habit since you're saying this started at a young age.
Just make sure there isn't anything else fueling the anger (stress, overscheduling, illness, ADHD). Once those are ruled out there are the seven steps to change inappropriate anger displays. This takes consistent commitment on your part and it is doable. but just know the change will happen gradually. She has been using this behavior so long it's now going to take a lot of "erasing" and re-framing. So here ya go...
Hang in there. New behaviors generally take a minimum of 21 days of repetition to kick in. You must be consistent so track your own responses on a calendar. Above all stay calm with her and don't give up! I would only take on the anger challenge now. Forget other issues. This is where to put your energy.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
We have an almost 10 year old girl who is our only child. I'm 54 and my wife is 52. She's a wonderful child but is having a hard time stopping herself from "hitting, kicking, and/or biting" her mother, and sometimes me. We let her get away with it when she was small by not punishing her enough. Now that behavior is still with her, though it has improved considerably. Our daughter is a rather impulsive child, too. We're at our wits end and I don't want to hit her back to make her stop the hitting. But fear is a good teaching tool at times even though I seldom use it. I want to protect her self-esteem and tell her she's a good girl even though she sometimes does bad things. She knows we love her and she herself wants to stop the behavior but is having a hard time. -AnonymousLet's go straight to curbing your daughter's anger outbursts. Allowing a ten year old to continue biting and hitting is disastrous to your family's harmony and her self-esteem. This appears to be a habit since you're saying this started at a young age. Just make sure there isn't anything else fueling the anger (stress, overscheduling, illness, ADHD). Once those are ruled out there are the seven steps to change inappropriate anger displays. This takes consistent commitment on your part and it is doable. but just know the change will happen gradually. She has been using this behavior so long it's now going to take a lot of "erasing" and re-framing. So here ya go...
- Commit to change. You MUST (both of you) decide to stop this ASAP. You must stay on the same page and be consistent. If not, you can actually increase the hitting. But with this kind of behavior you must respond every time the same way.
- Respond calmly. Do not hit her. Please. It is not effective in reducing anger (or any other behavior). It will only enforce the message that this is acceptable. Instead say calmly, "You are angry but you may not hit."
- Apply a consequence every single time she hits. You've allowed it in the past and she's learned she can get away with it. So no more! "That's hitting. Please go to time out." (Notice I said, "please.") Say it firmly, then do not argue with her. You need to set up a place for her to go. Her bedroom is too distracting with things to do so try sitting at the kitchen table or a place there is no TV or cell phones etc. Think about ten minutes max. She is impulsive and this will be hard. If she sits do not talk to her. Ignore her. Don't plead or threaten. The time (set a timer) starts when she calms down. (A timer is great because it will reduce a power struggle. You need to control the timer). If she doesn't go to time out don't pull her or force it Just say firmly, "You need to go to time out." If she still doesn't comply (she gets two tries) it's an automatic loss of a privilege (something she really cares about. Toys, TV, etc)."You didn't go to time out like I asked so there is no TV this evening." Walk away and enforce the privilege removal. If you find taking away a privilege is more effective than time out than do that instead. The trick is to let her know you're not tolerating the behavior.
- Reinforce using control. The fastest way to shape behavior is to acknowledge when a child is uses the right behavior. So whenever she is making an effort to display self control reinforce it. Try to aim for 5 positives to every 1 negative. It may take a while, but that's the goal. Only praise when deserved. If a reward system works- try it. I just don't want you doing too many things and overwhelming yourself, but once you get time out down then you can add a reward approach. A certain specified number of good displays of self control per day--say five--earns her a privilege. Add them up each week and it's a bigger prize. Keep track on a chart on the refrigerator. It must be clearly spelled out ahead.
- Teach a replacer behavior. This one is critical. You want her to stop hitting and biting, so what do you want her to do instead? You must teach a substitute behavior or she will only continue the inappropriate behavior. Teach her to name her feelings. Teach her to walk away (take her own time out). Teach her 1 + 3 + 10 (First say "I'm mad." Then take 3 slow deep breaths. Then count slowly to 10. There are a number of good anger management techniques (my book Parents Do Make a Difference lists a few and the 1 + 3 + 10) just teach only one and nor more than two.
- Rehearse the replacer. Change comes through practice. So practice, practice, practice the new replacer behavior when she is calm. It's the only way the replacer will kick in when she's angry.
- Rebuild your relationship. You are all stressed and frustrated. That can increase the anger. Find fun ways to reconnect. No cost ways. A walk. A movie rental. Baking cookies- whatever, but rebuild connection and if you don't see change in two weeks it's time to seek the help of a trained mental health professional.
Hang in there. New behaviors generally take a minimum of 21 days of repetition to kick in. You must be consistent so track your own responses on a calendar. Above all stay calm with her and don't give up! I would only take on the anger challenge now. Forget other issues. This is where to put your energy.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I have a friend who has a
three-year-old, a two-year-old and a one-year-old. The oldest has displayed the
typical sibling rivalry traits, not sharing, tantrums, etc. The most disturbing
behavior is that she causes considerable damage to the house, like flooding,
ruining wood floors with ink, and a few other things that cost a lot of money
to repair. When she is punished, she acts like she doesn't care by laughing or
ignoring you. How can my friend better understand where this behavior is coming
from, and how can she teach her daughter that these behaviors are wrong? Theses
destructive activities are a daily event and she is desperate for help! -Christina
Wow, do I wish I could set up a
video recorder in the house and watch this. You're describing very uncommon
behaviors for a three-year-old--very uncommon. And they are disturbing because
they are daily and destructive. So here are six steps to turn destructive
behaviors in young kids around. It will take concerted effort, patience,
support and consistency (which is essential). Here ya go:
Step 1: Aim for prevention. This child needs to be monitored much, much closer. How is a three-year-old able to flood a house? Really! That takes time and effort. The same with damaging wood floors with ink. Mom needs to keep this child in close proximity. There are also younger children involved here, and their safety may be at stake. Supervise! Block off some portions of the house. Keep this child in tow (or under toe) at all times!
Step 2: Find positive ways to keep her occupied. I'm assuming this child also is impulsive. She needs things to keep her occupied so she doesn't get into trouble. Fill a basket or bag with things to do so she doesn't get into trouble. Keep one in each part of the house and car. Simple things like erasable crayons and paper, a doll and dresses, or toys that she already owns. (Don't buy anything.) Just keep her busy. Three-year-olds have very short attention spans. Mom's goal is to stretch her attention span.
Step 3: Use the right discipline. Discipline for a three-year-old is tricky. A possible reason for her laughing after she destroys something or pretending not to care is Mom's response to how she is disciplined. Mom must be calm. Must. No yelling. No spanking. Both will backfire with this child. Seriously backfire. And that's what may be happening. Instead, she must catch her the moment she is destructive, and on the spot firmly and calmly say, "That's time out. We don't draw on the floor. Please sit in the thinking chair." Next, she sits, but not too long. A big mistake for an impulsive kid is too long of time out, so let her sit there for two or three minutes. That's it! As long as she's sitting. Once she sits, the time begins, but Mom has to ignore the child in time out, and the chair must be in a spot where there's no attention. Suppose she doesn't go to the chair? Don't drag. Stay calm. Firmly say, "Please go to the chair." If she refuses after the second time, then immediately remove a privilege that she likes. No ice cream after dinner. No TV. Something. I'm betting Mom is using the wrong way to do time out. Help her with this. Then she should thank her daughter when she completes the time out. Seriously. "Thank you for going to time out." Alan Kazdin's book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, is a great source and explains the steps thoroughly.
Step 4: Find relief. Mom needs support! An impulsive three-year-old who needs constant supervision is taxing. Two more kids in the home! Ahh! Stress is going to build. Mom has to be calm and cool with this child. A quick temper escalates an impulsive child. So what can anyone do to help out Mom? A playdate once a week? Helping her watch the kids? Making a dinner together and have one frozen to save on the witching hour? She has to carve out at least 15 minutes of downtime for herself--at least!
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
I have a friend who has a
three-year-old, a two-year-old and a one-year-old. The oldest has displayed the
typical sibling rivalry traits, not sharing, tantrums, etc. The most disturbing
behavior is that she causes considerable damage to the house, like flooding,
ruining wood floors with ink, and a few other things that cost a lot of money
to repair. When she is punished, she acts like she doesn't care by laughing or
ignoring you. How can my friend better understand where this behavior is coming
from, and how can she teach her daughter that these behaviors are wrong? Theses
destructive activities are a daily event and she is desperate for help! -ChristinaWow, do I wish I could set up a
video recorder in the house and watch this. You're describing very uncommon
behaviors for a three-year-old--very uncommon. And they are disturbing because
they are daily and destructive. So here are six steps to turn destructive
behaviors in young kids around. It will take concerted effort, patience,
support and consistency (which is essential). Here ya go:Step 1: Aim for prevention. This child needs to be monitored much, much closer. How is a three-year-old able to flood a house? Really! That takes time and effort. The same with damaging wood floors with ink. Mom needs to keep this child in close proximity. There are also younger children involved here, and their safety may be at stake. Supervise! Block off some portions of the house. Keep this child in tow (or under toe) at all times!
Step 2: Find positive ways to keep her occupied. I'm assuming this child also is impulsive. She needs things to keep her occupied so she doesn't get into trouble. Fill a basket or bag with things to do so she doesn't get into trouble. Keep one in each part of the house and car. Simple things like erasable crayons and paper, a doll and dresses, or toys that she already owns. (Don't buy anything.) Just keep her busy. Three-year-olds have very short attention spans. Mom's goal is to stretch her attention span.
Step 3: Use the right discipline. Discipline for a three-year-old is tricky. A possible reason for her laughing after she destroys something or pretending not to care is Mom's response to how she is disciplined. Mom must be calm. Must. No yelling. No spanking. Both will backfire with this child. Seriously backfire. And that's what may be happening. Instead, she must catch her the moment she is destructive, and on the spot firmly and calmly say, "That's time out. We don't draw on the floor. Please sit in the thinking chair." Next, she sits, but not too long. A big mistake for an impulsive kid is too long of time out, so let her sit there for two or three minutes. That's it! As long as she's sitting. Once she sits, the time begins, but Mom has to ignore the child in time out, and the chair must be in a spot where there's no attention. Suppose she doesn't go to the chair? Don't drag. Stay calm. Firmly say, "Please go to the chair." If she refuses after the second time, then immediately remove a privilege that she likes. No ice cream after dinner. No TV. Something. I'm betting Mom is using the wrong way to do time out. Help her with this. Then she should thank her daughter when she completes the time out. Seriously. "Thank you for going to time out." Alan Kazdin's book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, is a great source and explains the steps thoroughly.
Step 4: Find relief. Mom needs support! An impulsive three-year-old who needs constant supervision is taxing. Two more kids in the home! Ahh! Stress is going to build. Mom has to be calm and cool with this child. A quick temper escalates an impulsive child. So what can anyone do to help out Mom? A playdate once a week? Helping her watch the kids? Making a dinner together and have one frozen to save on the witching hour? She has to carve out at least 15 minutes of downtime for herself--at least!
Step 5: Reinforce good behavior. Mom is discouraged. So is the child.
Really! A three-year-old really does care. But if she only gets negative reinforcement
she learns to "act bad" because she desperately needs attention.
Lavish on the love and hugs and strokes when she isn't into mischief. Rebuild
that bond with Mom. Catch her being good. Please! The best way to change
behavior is to look for those positive moments. You will need to help Mom.
Point out positives. Model how to be positive. Mom may be missing those moments
because of the stress of the situation.
Step 6: Get help. If Mom doesn't see change in two weeks, or things
escalate, it's time to get help. I hope she already has spoken to a
pediatrician to rule out any other causes of this behavior. She also needs to
think about anything else that could be triggering this behavior (an impending
divorce, a financial crisis, an illness). If this is a sudden and new behavior,
then something else is triggering it. Talking things through with a training
specialist could help. Taking a parenting class could also be beneficial.
Please do not give up! Doing so will be disastrous not only to your child's
future, but to your family's harmony. Hang in there!
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
My son's mother has had him in karate classes now for about 6 months. He started when he turned 4. I do not feel this is an appropriate age for many reasons. When I have him at visitation, on his karate class nights, I allow him to decide if he wants to go. Usually he says "no", so we do not go. This class also has competitions and "tests". If he does not win, he starts calling himself a "loser" and gets upset. Any suggestions? -Tim
It's always hard to know whether a class or activity is really appropriate for your child. And with the cost of some of these classes and gas prices to transport the child, along with the time involved, it's good to take stock every once in a while to find the "worth it" factor.
Here are five tests to help you decide:
1. Enjoyment. Does the child look forward to the activity? If you're pulling and bribing, think again.
2. Confidence building. Is the activity one that wold boost your child's natural talent, interest or confidence? Is this a positive experience for your child?
3. Developmentally appropriate. Is the activity set to the child's actual developmental (not necessarily chronological) age? For instance, the American Academy of Pediatrics cautions parents that most kids aren't ready for organized activities or sports until at least age six. Can your child listen, follow directions, do what the instructor asks and work on a team? If not, wait. Or give individual lessons for a while until he is ready.
4. Financially doable. Is this too much of a strain financially?
5. Improvement. Are you seeing progress? Is the child benefiting from the experience? Are there gains?
If you can't say YES to at least three out of five (ideally four in five) then pull out and wait. My philosophy is there is always next year. Of course the best test is the simplest: Use your instinct. No one knows your child better than you!
By the way, I add up very few positives for the karate and your four-year-old based on what you say. Maybe you can point these out to your son's mother? (Or mail them anonymously????)
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
My son's mother has had him in karate classes now for about 6 months. He started when he turned 4. I do not feel this is an appropriate age for many reasons. When I have him at visitation, on his karate class nights, I allow him to decide if he wants to go. Usually he says "no", so we do not go. This class also has competitions and "tests". If he does not win, he starts calling himself a "loser" and gets upset. Any suggestions? -TimIt's always hard to know whether a class or activity is really appropriate for your child. And with the cost of some of these classes and gas prices to transport the child, along with the time involved, it's good to take stock every once in a while to find the "worth it" factor. Here are five tests to help you decide:
1. Enjoyment. Does the child look forward to the activity? If you're pulling and bribing, think again.
2. Confidence building. Is the activity one that wold boost your child's natural talent, interest or confidence? Is this a positive experience for your child?
3. Developmentally appropriate. Is the activity set to the child's actual developmental (not necessarily chronological) age? For instance, the American Academy of Pediatrics cautions parents that most kids aren't ready for organized activities or sports until at least age six. Can your child listen, follow directions, do what the instructor asks and work on a team? If not, wait. Or give individual lessons for a while until he is ready.
4. Financially doable. Is this too much of a strain financially?
5. Improvement. Are you seeing progress? Is the child benefiting from the experience? Are there gains?
If you can't say YES to at least three out of five (ideally four in five) then pull out and wait. My philosophy is there is always next year. Of course the best test is the simplest: Use your instinct. No one knows your child better than you!
By the way, I add up very few positives for the karate and your four-year-old based on what you say. Maybe you can point these out to your son's mother? (Or mail them anonymously????)
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I am writing to you for parental advice. I feel that I don't know what else to do. I have a four-year-old son who is very clingy. I love my son very much. I just feel that I am at the end of my rope. I will go shower and he will lay on the floor outside of the shower until I'm done. If I'm out of his site he will scream and cry until he sees me. I tell him to go with his dad or his 12-year-old sister to do fun activities and he refuses or will keep coming to check on me. I've been patient and understanding but I feel like I am losing my mind. He has also become very disrespectful to myself, husband and sister. It has escalated to him hitting me. I try to give him love and attention but it doesn't seem to be enough. Ignoring my duties and at times my husband, daughter and myself. Please help!!! What do I do? -Leslie
I understand why you're at the end of your ropes, and I read very clearly how much you love your son. So let's get started with a new plan. Since what you've been doing so far (and you've been on this quite a while) doesn't work: Throw it out. Time for a new response.
STEP 1: Identify "Clingy" Triggers. I'm not there to observe your child, so you need to be the detective here. Has your child always been clingy, or is this a new behavior? If this is brand new then dig deeper. What is triggering it? You're describing very anxious-type behaviors. Four-year-olds are afraid of yelling, spanking and stress. They also fear losing a parent. Any of those issues or possibilities? Think outside the house as well. A day care center, teacher or another child? If there is anything else that is triggering this behavior, rectify it ASAP. (Move him out of that day care. Have serious talks with the other family member. Watch your own talking about a stressful situation (a financial crisis, worry about someone's health, marriage etc.) Could be anything. But I don't want to rule this out.
STEP 2: Use Baby Steps. Your best way to change a behavior is PRAISE. Really! But you use it ANYTIME your child uses absolutely ANY teeny tiny show of independence. Say, "that's mommy's boy. I knew you could do it," but give him something to do--active stuff--so he doesn't just sit and wait. A bag of goodies that will occupy him. Your goal is to gradually stretch him farther and farther from you.
STEP 4: Practice the new desired behavior. Find all the times during the day for him to be seconds, feet, minutes away from you. Let's practice! You're teaching a new habit and it's going to take a while. So keep it easy and simple. Be realistic, but practice "Being Mommy's Big Boy." Little stretches. Then praise, praise, praise!
STEP 4: Don't Beg, plead or nag. Be matter of fact during all of this and stay calm. Your behavior impacts his behavior. Better not to say anything about it. Just say, "Mommy is going to take a shower" and then do it.
STEP 5: Reward the new behavior. Set up a bag of tricks (Dollar store stuff, trinkets in a bag that he can't see into) or a sticker chart that he earns stickers for something he really wants. At the beginning, for those moments he's on board he gets to pull out a trinket. You must be consistent with this. Make those showers deliberately a little shorter. Your goal is to get him to start doing a new behavior.
STEP 6: Use time out. You're saying he's also hitting and disrespectful. Don't tolerate that behavior. Every time he is disrespectful he must do time out. You do not nag. Just label the wrong behavior by saying, "that's hitting. That's time out. Start walking to the chair please." At this point the chair should be near you. Give him two times to do the time out. At the end of the second time if he doesn't obey then remove a privilege. "No TV for the afternoon." Be matter of fact and don't let him get away with it.
If you do the plan right, you should see a gradual decline in the behavior. Everyone else has to be on the same page with you. You must praise the new behavior you want, give him times to practice when he feels safe, be consistent and change your current response. Be much more matter of fact and calm.
It's all about teaching a new habit and stopping the bad behavior.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
I am writing to you for parental advice. I feel that I don't know what else to do. I have a four-year-old son who is very clingy. I love my son very much. I just feel that I am at the end of my rope. I will go shower and he will lay on the floor outside of the shower until I'm done. If I'm out of his site he will scream and cry until he sees me. I tell him to go with his dad or his 12-year-old sister to do fun activities and he refuses or will keep coming to check on me. I've been patient and understanding but I feel like I am losing my mind. He has also become very disrespectful to myself, husband and sister. It has escalated to him hitting me. I try to give him love and attention but it doesn't seem to be enough. Ignoring my duties and at times my husband, daughter and myself. Please help!!! What do I do? -LeslieI understand why you're at the end of your ropes, and I read very clearly how much you love your son. So let's get started with a new plan. Since what you've been doing so far (and you've been on this quite a while) doesn't work: Throw it out. Time for a new response.STEP 1: Identify "Clingy" Triggers. I'm not there to observe your child, so you need to be the detective here. Has your child always been clingy, or is this a new behavior? If this is brand new then dig deeper. What is triggering it? You're describing very anxious-type behaviors. Four-year-olds are afraid of yelling, spanking and stress. They also fear losing a parent. Any of those issues or possibilities? Think outside the house as well. A day care center, teacher or another child? If there is anything else that is triggering this behavior, rectify it ASAP. (Move him out of that day care. Have serious talks with the other family member. Watch your own talking about a stressful situation (a financial crisis, worry about someone's health, marriage etc.) Could be anything. But I don't want to rule this out.
STEP 2: Use Baby Steps. Your best way to change a behavior is PRAISE. Really! But you use it ANYTIME your child uses absolutely ANY teeny tiny show of independence. Say, "that's mommy's boy. I knew you could do it," but give him something to do--active stuff--so he doesn't just sit and wait. A bag of goodies that will occupy him. Your goal is to gradually stretch him farther and farther from you.
STEP 4: Practice the new desired behavior. Find all the times during the day for him to be seconds, feet, minutes away from you. Let's practice! You're teaching a new habit and it's going to take a while. So keep it easy and simple. Be realistic, but practice "Being Mommy's Big Boy." Little stretches. Then praise, praise, praise!
STEP 4: Don't Beg, plead or nag. Be matter of fact during all of this and stay calm. Your behavior impacts his behavior. Better not to say anything about it. Just say, "Mommy is going to take a shower" and then do it.
STEP 5: Reward the new behavior. Set up a bag of tricks (Dollar store stuff, trinkets in a bag that he can't see into) or a sticker chart that he earns stickers for something he really wants. At the beginning, for those moments he's on board he gets to pull out a trinket. You must be consistent with this. Make those showers deliberately a little shorter. Your goal is to get him to start doing a new behavior.
STEP 6: Use time out. You're saying he's also hitting and disrespectful. Don't tolerate that behavior. Every time he is disrespectful he must do time out. You do not nag. Just label the wrong behavior by saying, "that's hitting. That's time out. Start walking to the chair please." At this point the chair should be near you. Give him two times to do the time out. At the end of the second time if he doesn't obey then remove a privilege. "No TV for the afternoon." Be matter of fact and don't let him get away with it.
If you do the plan right, you should see a gradual decline in the behavior. Everyone else has to be on the same page with you. You must praise the new behavior you want, give him times to practice when he feels safe, be consistent and change your current response. Be much more matter of fact and calm.
It's all about teaching a new habit and stopping the bad behavior.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
My son has a best friend (they are 8 years old) that comes over for sleep overs during the weekend, and he goes over to his friend's Dad's house and sleep over there too. Is it wrong to let the two boys sleep in the same bed with each other? -Michelle Johnson
Thanks for the question, Michelle. You're talking about two second grade aged buddies sleeping in the same bed. I am reading here that you're concerned maybe of homosexuality. Is that true? If so, the medical research shows that sexuality is biologically determined, so there is no need for concern on that topic. But there are two potential red flags.
First, boys that age do "experiment". By hosting the boys you are also responsible for anything that happens in your house.
This is also the age when teasing and bullying starts escalating. Other kids hearing about these boys sleeping together could fuel a lot of taunting. Gone are the days of innocence, eh? Sad, but you asked and I wanted you to think things through.
Why not purchase two inexpensive sleeping bags and a couple of flashlights? This is the perfect age when boys love to "camp out" (even inside) or drape sheets over beds and card tables to make forts. You might just start a whole new trend.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
My son has a best friend (they are 8 years old) that comes over for sleep overs during the weekend, and he goes over to his friend's Dad's house and sleep over there too. Is it wrong to let the two boys sleep in the same bed with each other? -Michelle JohnsonThanks for the question, Michelle. You're talking about two second grade aged buddies sleeping in the same bed. I am reading here that you're concerned maybe of homosexuality. Is that true? If so, the medical research shows that sexuality is biologically determined, so there is no need for concern on that topic. But there are two potential red flags.First, boys that age do "experiment". By hosting the boys you are also responsible for anything that happens in your house.
This is also the age when teasing and bullying starts escalating. Other kids hearing about these boys sleeping together could fuel a lot of taunting. Gone are the days of innocence, eh? Sad, but you asked and I wanted you to think things through.
Why not purchase two inexpensive sleeping bags and a couple of flashlights? This is the perfect age when boys love to "camp out" (even inside) or drape sheets over beds and card tables to make forts. You might just start a whole new trend.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I can't seem to get a full sentence in before my child interrupts. It doesn't seem to matter who I'm talking to--my husband, friend or someone else. How do I get her to stop? -Anonymous
Kids want our attention and NOW and the younger the age the harder it is for them to put on the brakes and "wait." But interrupting is a learned behavior and can be stopped, so here are a few crucial steps to turn this annoying behavior around.
Distinguish "emergency" interruptions. Your first step is to teach your child legitimate interrupting times. Explain that "an 'emergency interruption' is when someone needs help because he is or could be hurt." There are emergencies when our kids should be heard right then and there, so talk about what constitutes an emergency: the pasta is boiling over, the stove is on fire, the dog ran into the street, your brother is stuck in a tree, the baby is crawling to the pool. Once your child knows that distinction, there are no excuses for interrupting. Instead, she must learn to wait and learn the virtue of patience.
Give a forewarning. The next time you're about to make a call, visit a friend or start a conversation, tell your child you expect her to be considerate and to not interrupt. You might give her something to do to occupy her time for the moment (a puzzle, book, or game), but be clear that you will not respond. (And then make sure you keep your word.)
Use sign language. If your younger child interrupts at an inappropriate, nonemergency moment, use the sign language approach to stop her. Put your hand on her hand to let her know you recognize her, then hold up your hand to signal she needs to wait. Give her anything to occupy her energy (your car key or a pad and pencil) but continue your conversation, then pause after a few minutes to ask what she needs.
Teach manners. Children with attention or social skill deficits have difficulty waiting and often barge into conversations. If this is the case with your child, make sure you teach your child how to interrupt politely ("Excuse me, Mom,") so she doesn't seem rude. Then gradually stretch her ability to wait as long as possible. It's also best to give this child forewarning, "I'm going to be making an important call, so I'll need you to not interrupt." Adjust your response to your child's needs, but please don't use any possible disability as an excuse. It will not do her reputation any favors.
Remove an older kid. If your child is older and can clearly control her impulses, keep doing what you're doing, but isolate her to another room for a couple of minutes or longer, depending on her age. You can say to the caller, "Excuse me, Mom, I need to take care of something." (Believe me, your mother will get it.) Isolate your child, and then continue your conversation. Do the same thing every time your child interrupts. This behavior is attention-getting and shows disrespect, so do not tolerate it. When you are done with your conversation, sit down with your child and let her know not only how you feel about being interrupted, but how it makes you feel.
Reinforce waiting. Remember the most effective way to reduce any annoying behavior at any age is to reinforce the child when she does not interrupt. "I know it was hard to wait patiently, but thank you for not interrupting me when I was speaking with your teacher." Just be consistent until your child gets the message that you expect to be treated in a courteous manner.
Of course, if your child has gotten in the habit of interrupting and has usually succeeded in getting her needs met pronto, stopping this annoying behavior will take a bit of good ol' parental fortitude. But keep the faith. Change is doable. A 4-year-old will clearly have more trouble than a 12-year-old, so consider your child's age and development, but stick fast to your "No More Interrupting Plan." Every child needs to learn the virtue of patience. And that's a little of what you'll need as well to turn this behavior around.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
I can't seem to get a full sentence in before my child interrupts. It doesn't seem to matter who I'm talking to--my husband, friend or someone else. How do I get her to stop? -AnonymousKids want our attention and NOW and the younger the age the harder it is for them to put on the brakes and "wait." But interrupting is a learned behavior and can be stopped, so here are a few crucial steps to turn this annoying behavior around.Distinguish "emergency" interruptions. Your first step is to teach your child legitimate interrupting times. Explain that "an 'emergency interruption' is when someone needs help because he is or could be hurt." There are emergencies when our kids should be heard right then and there, so talk about what constitutes an emergency: the pasta is boiling over, the stove is on fire, the dog ran into the street, your brother is stuck in a tree, the baby is crawling to the pool. Once your child knows that distinction, there are no excuses for interrupting. Instead, she must learn to wait and learn the virtue of patience.
Give a forewarning. The next time you're about to make a call, visit a friend or start a conversation, tell your child you expect her to be considerate and to not interrupt. You might give her something to do to occupy her time for the moment (a puzzle, book, or game), but be clear that you will not respond. (And then make sure you keep your word.)
Use sign language. If your younger child interrupts at an inappropriate, nonemergency moment, use the sign language approach to stop her. Put your hand on her hand to let her know you recognize her, then hold up your hand to signal she needs to wait. Give her anything to occupy her energy (your car key or a pad and pencil) but continue your conversation, then pause after a few minutes to ask what she needs.
Teach manners. Children with attention or social skill deficits have difficulty waiting and often barge into conversations. If this is the case with your child, make sure you teach your child how to interrupt politely ("Excuse me, Mom,") so she doesn't seem rude. Then gradually stretch her ability to wait as long as possible. It's also best to give this child forewarning, "I'm going to be making an important call, so I'll need you to not interrupt." Adjust your response to your child's needs, but please don't use any possible disability as an excuse. It will not do her reputation any favors.
Remove an older kid. If your child is older and can clearly control her impulses, keep doing what you're doing, but isolate her to another room for a couple of minutes or longer, depending on her age. You can say to the caller, "Excuse me, Mom, I need to take care of something." (Believe me, your mother will get it.) Isolate your child, and then continue your conversation. Do the same thing every time your child interrupts. This behavior is attention-getting and shows disrespect, so do not tolerate it. When you are done with your conversation, sit down with your child and let her know not only how you feel about being interrupted, but how it makes you feel.
Reinforce waiting. Remember the most effective way to reduce any annoying behavior at any age is to reinforce the child when she does not interrupt. "I know it was hard to wait patiently, but thank you for not interrupting me when I was speaking with your teacher." Just be consistent until your child gets the message that you expect to be treated in a courteous manner.
Of course, if your child has gotten in the habit of interrupting and has usually succeeded in getting her needs met pronto, stopping this annoying behavior will take a bit of good ol' parental fortitude. But keep the faith. Change is doable. A 4-year-old will clearly have more trouble than a 12-year-old, so consider your child's age and development, but stick fast to your "No More Interrupting Plan." Every child needs to learn the virtue of patience. And that's a little of what you'll need as well to turn this behavior around.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
My thirteen year old daughter was recently asked to by a friend of hers who happens to be boy to send him a naked picture of herself over the phone. She was smart enough to tell me about it and we discussed all the reasons why someone should never ever do that, yet just last week I found out that she did send him a picture of herself in her bra and panties, which actually had her more covered than her bikini and luckily she hasn't developed yet. But I'm freaking out. I can't believe she was that stupid after all our discussions. I've taken her phone away and the boy swears he deleted the picture and didn't show anyone and I can only hope that we can trust him. Meanwhile, I haven't told my husband because I'm afraid his head would explode which I feel so guilty about, I never keep secrets from him. I'm so embarrassed at my daughter's stupidity that I can't tell anyone so that's why I guess I really needed this vent. --Tricia
I understand why you need to vent. This is scary stuff. If there's good news in this it is that you have an open relationship with your daughter. For your thirteen-year-old to tell you she sent a photo to her boyfriend in her underwear is huge. You've done something very right to create that openness. You talked about the reasons it is wrong and you took away her cell phone. You did all the right things. So I'm just going to add a few tips here:
1. Keep talking and talking. That discussion has to be an ongoing dialogue. Teens need far more than one time discussions about such serious issues.
2. Research shows the brain of a teen is still developing and those parts that help kids understand "if... then..." aren't always there. It's why you're shocked she did this (regardless of how smart she is) and it's why so many kids are doing very careless and potentially dangerous things. They don't see the consequences. Keep talking consequences about every issue so she learns to start thinking things through. ("if you did that, what could happen?")
3. You might want to cut down on phone features if/when you do decide it's time to give it back to her. No internet or picture capabilities.
4. Talk about sex, although I'm sure you're already aware of this. She is clearly engaging in promiscuous behavior. If she feels comfortable sending her boyfriend a photo of her in her underwear and he wants one of her nude- they're "fairly comfortable", mom. Time to make sure you're talking about birth control precautions.
The photo still concerns me, however. How do you know the boy destroyed it? Posting such photos on Facebook and Myspace are big these days. If these two break up and there is any animosity it's common for kids to post such a photo. That would be devastating for your daughter since the world would see it. Consider talking to that boy. Getting a copy of it. Do you trust him? You might need to get your husband involved because the potential seriousness of the issue.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
My thirteen year old daughter was recently asked to by a friend of hers who happens to be boy to send him a naked picture of herself over the phone. She was smart enough to tell me about it and we discussed all the reasons why someone should never ever do that, yet just last week I found out that she did send him a picture of herself in her bra and panties, which actually had her more covered than her bikini and luckily she hasn't developed yet. But I'm freaking out. I can't believe she was that stupid after all our discussions. I've taken her phone away and the boy swears he deleted the picture and didn't show anyone and I can only hope that we can trust him. Meanwhile, I haven't told my husband because I'm afraid his head would explode which I feel so guilty about, I never keep secrets from him. I'm so embarrassed at my daughter's stupidity that I can't tell anyone so that's why I guess I really needed this vent. --TriciaI understand why you need to vent. This is scary stuff. If there's good news in this it is that you have an open relationship with your daughter. For your thirteen-year-old to tell you she sent a photo to her boyfriend in her underwear is huge. You've done something very right to create that openness. You talked about the reasons it is wrong and you took away her cell phone. You did all the right things. So I'm just going to add a few tips here:1. Keep talking and talking. That discussion has to be an ongoing dialogue. Teens need far more than one time discussions about such serious issues.
2. Research shows the brain of a teen is still developing and those parts that help kids understand "if... then..." aren't always there. It's why you're shocked she did this (regardless of how smart she is) and it's why so many kids are doing very careless and potentially dangerous things. They don't see the consequences. Keep talking consequences about every issue so she learns to start thinking things through. ("if you did that, what could happen?")
3. You might want to cut down on phone features if/when you do decide it's time to give it back to her. No internet or picture capabilities.
4. Talk about sex, although I'm sure you're already aware of this. She is clearly engaging in promiscuous behavior. If she feels comfortable sending her boyfriend a photo of her in her underwear and he wants one of her nude- they're "fairly comfortable", mom. Time to make sure you're talking about birth control precautions.
The photo still concerns me, however. How do you know the boy destroyed it? Posting such photos on Facebook and Myspace are big these days. If these two break up and there is any animosity it's common for kids to post such a photo. That would be devastating for your daughter since the world would see it. Consider talking to that boy. Getting a copy of it. Do you trust him? You might need to get your husband involved because the potential seriousness of the issue.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I have a two-year-old son. All he wants to do is watch “Blue's Clues.” If I turn the TV off, he gets very mad and throws a fit--cries, rolls around on the floor, etc. I have tried distracting him with toys or going outside. The toys work for a few minutes, but then he loses interest. I am at my wits end because I know TV is not good for children’s eyes, brains, etc. Any suggestions would be helpful. --Kelly
So glad you wrote, Kelly. You have yourself a little TV addict, so now let's break that habit. Based on your son’s behaviors, this isn't going to be easy, so buckle up and stick to your guns. Here are my thoughts:
1. You are 100-percent right to break this habit, especially once I tell you about new research from the University of Washington that will have you breaking the TV monitor. Those quick fire images (that your son adores) are not just damaging his eyes, but also his brain development, the study finds. For every hour your child watches TV at his tender age, he is 10 times more likely to develop attention deficit problems by age seven. I started with the doom and gloom so you will stick to your plan.
2. Withdraw. You're not telling me how much TV your son watches, but the American Academy of Pediatrics says the max for kids his age should be one hour per day. Whatever he watches now, cut that time in half.
3. Find an alternative. He's addicted now, so think about what you will use to replace TV time. Find something to occupy that time, and ideally something away from the TV. Arrange a new schedule around that time slot like a walk outside, a play date or a trip to the sandbox. Occupy his time by doing something he enjoys.
4. Get earplugs. There is one part of this, Kelly, that is just going to take tenacity on your part to not give in. You firmly announce, "No more TV," and that's' it. Do not give in. This may take a few days (and warning the neighbors) but the behavior should gradually decrease.
Hang in there! These are the core years for your child to be developing language, social skills, creativity and endless other things, and excessive TV viewing will only deprive your child's development.
Worse comes to worse, take the TV and hide it. Seriously!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
I have a two-year-old son. All he wants to do is watch “Blue's Clues.” If I turn the TV off, he gets very mad and throws a fit--cries, rolls around on the floor, etc. I have tried distracting him with toys or going outside. The toys work for a few minutes, but then he loses interest. I am at my wits end because I know TV is not good for children’s eyes, brains, etc. Any suggestions would be helpful. --KellySo glad you wrote, Kelly. You have yourself a little TV addict, so now let's break that habit. Based on your son’s behaviors, this isn't going to be easy, so buckle up and stick to your guns. Here are my thoughts:1. You are 100-percent right to break this habit, especially once I tell you about new research from the University of Washington that will have you breaking the TV monitor. Those quick fire images (that your son adores) are not just damaging his eyes, but also his brain development, the study finds. For every hour your child watches TV at his tender age, he is 10 times more likely to develop attention deficit problems by age seven. I started with the doom and gloom so you will stick to your plan.
2. Withdraw. You're not telling me how much TV your son watches, but the American Academy of Pediatrics says the max for kids his age should be one hour per day. Whatever he watches now, cut that time in half.
3. Find an alternative. He's addicted now, so think about what you will use to replace TV time. Find something to occupy that time, and ideally something away from the TV. Arrange a new schedule around that time slot like a walk outside, a play date or a trip to the sandbox. Occupy his time by doing something he enjoys.
4. Get earplugs. There is one part of this, Kelly, that is just going to take tenacity on your part to not give in. You firmly announce, "No more TV," and that's' it. Do not give in. This may take a few days (and warning the neighbors) but the behavior should gradually decrease.
Hang in there! These are the core years for your child to be developing language, social skills, creativity and endless other things, and excessive TV viewing will only deprive your child's development.
Worse comes to worse, take the TV and hide it. Seriously!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I
have a 26 month old girl. She is starting to explore many things and
obviously will not do as she is told. More often than not, she will be
playing/touching/doing things which she is not suppose to do. The
terrible two's... I also have a 8 wk old baby girl so that makes it
harder for my elder child. I guess some of the things or tantrums that
she throws is to seek attention. My concern is that I am getting more
and more easily irritated with her behavior and in some situations, I
end up being so frustrated that I end up shouting or screaming at her.
I keep telling myself to remain calm but most times i end up losing my
temper! What should I do? --Sue
I'm so glad you wrote! The first step to help you not yell at your children you just took. You admitted the problem and are seeking help. It's a big step. So now let's help you take step two and find ways to reduce your stress The secret is to find one thing that works for you and repeat it until it becomes a habit.
1. Reduce stress Stress is what fuels anger. Watch caffeine, eat nutritiously. Watch certain medications that may trigger irritability. What about an illness or hormones? Post-partum depression? Might you need a physical?
2. Take a power nap. I'm assuming you're sleep deprived with two little ones, so the moment your two kids are down for 15 minutes lie down yourself. Studies show that a short power nap can be more effective than a longer nap
3. Exercise. It reduces stress. I know you can't join a gym but maybe plop your two kids in a stroller and walk together
4. Change the scenery. The moment you feel on edge and might blow consider a change of scenery Get yourself out of that house with your children. Do anything to break that anger cycle. Take a walk. Go to the park. Walk outside.
5. Get a support group. Is there any other woman you can connect with? Is there anyone you can open up to and confide how you're feeling? Your mom, sister, girlfriend? Is there anyone who could watch your child for just an hour a day or week? Don't do this alone, Sue, would a counselor help? Do you have a minister you can speak with?
6. Find an online friend. Go to iVillage.com or Momtourage.com to find other women online to share what's going on. The moment you start feeling on edge stop what you're doing and go to the computer instead. Get to a chat room or find that momtourage buddy who can help calm you down.
7. Take deep slow breaths. Stress builds into anger and it builds quickly. As soon as you feel it mount you must do something to let it out. Turn away from your children and take slow deep breaths. Keep a glass of water next to you (or a water bottle) and start taking slow sips. Sing instead of yelling. Or just walk to another room. They will be better off if you walk to the next room. The trick is to find one thing that works to replace that anger and do the same thing every single time.
I don't want to overwhelm you with too much, I just want to offer you options. Your job is to sort things out and find something that works for you. Please let me know how you are doing. There are ways to make things better and you owe that to you and your children.
Anyone out there willing to help Sue? An online buddy to check in? Or a strategy that's helped you stay cool when you're ready to lose it with your kids? Please share your ideas. Moms need Moms!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
I
have a 26 month old girl. She is starting to explore many things and
obviously will not do as she is told. More often than not, she will be
playing/touching/doing things which she is not suppose to do. The
terrible two's... I also have a 8 wk old baby girl so that makes it
harder for my elder child. I guess some of the things or tantrums that
she throws is to seek attention. My concern is that I am getting more
and more easily irritated with her behavior and in some situations, I
end up being so frustrated that I end up shouting or screaming at her.
I keep telling myself to remain calm but most times i end up losing my
temper! What should I do? --SueI'm so glad you wrote! The first step to help you not yell at your children you just took. You admitted the problem and are seeking help. It's a big step. So now let's help you take step two and find ways to reduce your stress The secret is to find one thing that works for you and repeat it until it becomes a habit.1. Reduce stress Stress is what fuels anger. Watch caffeine, eat nutritiously. Watch certain medications that may trigger irritability. What about an illness or hormones? Post-partum depression? Might you need a physical?
2. Take a power nap. I'm assuming you're sleep deprived with two little ones, so the moment your two kids are down for 15 minutes lie down yourself. Studies show that a short power nap can be more effective than a longer nap
3. Exercise. It reduces stress. I know you can't join a gym but maybe plop your two kids in a stroller and walk together
4. Change the scenery. The moment you feel on edge and might blow consider a change of scenery Get yourself out of that house with your children. Do anything to break that anger cycle. Take a walk. Go to the park. Walk outside.
5. Get a support group. Is there any other woman you can connect with? Is there anyone you can open up to and confide how you're feeling? Your mom, sister, girlfriend? Is there anyone who could watch your child for just an hour a day or week? Don't do this alone, Sue, would a counselor help? Do you have a minister you can speak with?
6. Find an online friend. Go to iVillage.com or Momtourage.com to find other women online to share what's going on. The moment you start feeling on edge stop what you're doing and go to the computer instead. Get to a chat room or find that momtourage buddy who can help calm you down.
7. Take deep slow breaths. Stress builds into anger and it builds quickly. As soon as you feel it mount you must do something to let it out. Turn away from your children and take slow deep breaths. Keep a glass of water next to you (or a water bottle) and start taking slow sips. Sing instead of yelling. Or just walk to another room. They will be better off if you walk to the next room. The trick is to find one thing that works to replace that anger and do the same thing every single time.
I don't want to overwhelm you with too much, I just want to offer you options. Your job is to sort things out and find something that works for you. Please let me know how you are doing. There are ways to make things better and you owe that to you and your children.
Anyone out there willing to help Sue? An online buddy to check in? Or a strategy that's helped you stay cool when you're ready to lose it with your kids? Please share your ideas. Moms need Moms!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
My daughter is almost three and has an incredible ear for music. She sings beautifully and recognizes songs after hearing them just once. She can also identify the same singer of different songs when she listens to the radio. We try to expose her to all kinds of music, and it makes sense to try to get as many instruments into our home, so we're working on that too. My questions: how best to develop this gift? And how to utilize her love of music to enhance her life in other ways too? --Anne
You have yourself a budding Mozart, eh? The best thing here is that you have identified your child's musical passion and gift. And because you have you can guide but not push her interest. That gift must be gently "drawn out." Luckily there is wonderful research by Benjamin Bloom who followed over 120 highly talented kids (music, art, science, athletics, etc) to find out what if anything helped nurture those talents. Some of those kids went on to win Pulitzer prizes, and even Olympic gold medals. Here are the key findings you might use:
1. Identify the child's NATURAL talent. Not one you hope she has, but one she actually does
2. Find fun, natural ways to nurture the talent. No skill and drill stuff. No flash cards. Fun experiences. A trip to the museum, instruments to make and play, listening to classical music, watching and reading about composers.
3. Find a "connecting" teacher. The first teacher or mentor always nurtured, not pushed, the talent. She instilled a love of the talent so the child was motivated to want to pursue the talent on her own
4. Go with your child's lead. Challenge, accelerate and guide only as you see that interest.
Only later (middle school on) was a stricter coach or more regimented teacher hired. But by then the child was so in love with the talent the parent couldn't stop the kid if she wanted to. (Think of some of those stories about Olympic athletes in Beijing. Michael Phelp's mom exemplified Bloom's research to the T.)
While a child may have the talent, research clearly show the right support of a parent is what helps him or her soar (or fail).
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Related Content:
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
My daughter is almost three and has an incredible ear for music. She sings beautifully and recognizes songs after hearing them just once. She can also identify the same singer of different songs when she listens to the radio. We try to expose her to all kinds of music, and it makes sense to try to get as many instruments into our home, so we're working on that too. My questions: how best to develop this gift? And how to utilize her love of music to enhance her life in other ways too? --AnneYou have yourself a budding Mozart, eh? The best thing here is that you have identified your child's musical passion and gift. And because you have you can guide but not push her interest. That gift must be gently "drawn out." Luckily there is wonderful research by Benjamin Bloom who followed over 120 highly talented kids (music, art, science, athletics, etc) to find out what if anything helped nurture those talents. Some of those kids went on to win Pulitzer prizes, and even Olympic gold medals. Here are the key findings you might use:1. Identify the child's NATURAL talent. Not one you hope she has, but one she actually does
2. Find fun, natural ways to nurture the talent. No skill and drill stuff. No flash cards. Fun experiences. A trip to the museum, instruments to make and play, listening to classical music, watching and reading about composers.
3. Find a "connecting" teacher. The first teacher or mentor always nurtured, not pushed, the talent. She instilled a love of the talent so the child was motivated to want to pursue the talent on her own
4. Go with your child's lead. Challenge, accelerate and guide only as you see that interest.
Only later (middle school on) was a stricter coach or more regimented teacher hired. But by then the child was so in love with the talent the parent couldn't stop the kid if she wanted to. (Think of some of those stories about Olympic athletes in Beijing. Michael Phelp's mom exemplified Bloom's research to the T.)
While a child may have the talent, research clearly show the right support of a parent is what helps him or her soar (or fail).
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Related Content:
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
The topic of "gifted children" sure hit a cord with many of you. My email box is loaded with questions. I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible here on my blog. Read through some of these questions, and feel free to leave one of your own for the future.
Both my husband and I were in gifted programs in school and our 2 year old is already showing signs of being gifted as well. She can spell her first name, count to 10, identify colors and shapes and sort by multiple criteria such as "Show me the three yellow stars" or "8 red circles". We don't push her but we don't want her to waste this gift either. How do we know when to back off and when to proceed? --Erika
Both my husband and I were in gifted programs in school and our 2 year old is already showing signs of being gifted as well. She can spell her first name, count to 10, identify colors and shapes and sort by multiple criteria such as "Show me the three yellow stars" or "8 red circles". We don't push her but we don't want her to waste this gift either. How do we know when to back off and when to proceed? --Erika
Continue reading Gifted Children: Are we pushing too hard?.
The topic of "gifted children"
sure hit a cord with many of you. My email box is loaded with
questions. I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible
here on my blog. Read through some of these questions, and feel free to
leave one of your own for the future.
My child attends a Montessori school (3yrs old) and I know that she is gifted. They just started a primary school and asked that I keep her in the program instead of going to public school and I am wondering which do you think would help her. Socially she is doing great, but she is a little sensitive. I just want her to be in the best place to encourage her to learn. --Dana
My child attends a Montessori school (3yrs old) and I know that she is gifted. They just started a primary school and asked that I keep her in the program instead of going to public school and I am wondering which do you think would help her. Socially she is doing great, but she is a little sensitive. I just want her to be in the best place to encourage her to learn. --Dana
Continue reading Gifted Children: Public or private school?.
The topic of "gifted children"
sure hit a cord with many of you. My email box is loaded with
questions. I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible
here on my blog. Read through some of these questions, and feel free to
leave one of your own for the future.
Are there any benefits of testing? I am not sold on what it will add to her besides a label. --Dana
Are there any benefits of testing? I am not sold on what it will add to her besides a label. --Dana
Continue reading Gifted Chilren: Should I label my child?.
The topic of "gifted children"
sure hit a cord with many of you. My email box is loaded with
questions. I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible
here on my blog. Read through some of these questions, and feel free to
leave one of your own for the future.
Why is it that parents are always so proud of their child's accomplishments in sports and will push them to, or even past, their limits, but so many parents are embarrassed about having kids who are smart? --Wendy Rakus
Why is it that parents are always so proud of their child's accomplishments in sports and will push them to, or even past, their limits, but so many parents are embarrassed about having kids who are smart? --Wendy Rakus
Continue reading Gifted Children: Embarrassed of smart kids?.
