According to a survey by Public Agenda almost half of all parents of school-age students said they have arguments involving tears or yelling with their kids about homework. And one third of parents admit those school assignments cause repeated kid meltdowns. There's been some controversy lately about homework that some say isn't necessary, assigned by an administrative policy that's trying to make the parents feel the school is serious about education, or being sure their attendees pass standardized tests. Research says that the right kind of homework assignments enhances children's learning as well as helping them acquire the essential skills for success in school and life (such as organization, self-pacing, problem solving, internal motivation, concentration, memory, goal setting, good old "stick-to-it-ness") and don't forget, they might learn something!

So here are a few tips to help parents weigh the battle versus the learning. The key is a bit of organization from the start.

Make homework mandatory, not a choice. From the beginning maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Your kid needs to know that homework is not an option. Enforce the "work before play" rule.

Your role is guider, not doer. While you need to make sure they understand the concepts and are capable of the assignments, once they do, step back! Use the mantra: "Never do for your child, what your child can do for himself." It may take a bit of adjustment, but hang tight until you reach the desired change: independent, self-motivated learners.

Know the teacher's expectations. Be clear as to expectations and homework policy so you are all on the same page. If your child is in middle school she probably has a number of teachers, so you will have to do the same query per teacher. Many teachers prefer an email query- find out how the teacher prefers to be contacted. Most important: Find out on an average, how long should the homework take per night? That answer will help your determine if your child has too much work, is a procrastinator, has a learning disability or lacks study skills. Talk with your child so he knows you are not only aware of those expectations but support them

Any new social scene can be really tough. Having all new classmates, joining a brand-new group of kids on a soccer team, transferring to a new school, going away to camp alone and most of all moving isn't easy. And oh how kids can pour on the guilt to remind us they're not happy campers: "You're ruining my life!" "Why do I have to go to this new school?" "Why can't we move back to our old neighborhood? Do you have any idea how unhappy you made me?"

Knowing that our kids are lonely, feel left out, and desperately miss their old group is tough. As much as we'd love to, we can't instantly wipe away our their pain because their best friends are left behind and they can't fit in with the new crowd. But we can ease their discomfort by making the transition a bit smoother. We can help them find ways to make new friends. And we even can teach them new friendship making skills that actually may be ones they can use in other social arenas. So think positively, and stay focused on what you can do to boost your child's friendship quotient and get him through this tough time. Here are a few parenting solutions to help your child get started fitting into any new social scene.

Acknowledge feelings. If your child doesn't share her feelings, you can help her recognize how she feels: "You must be feeling lonely and miss your old group." "I can you're worried." It's tough to join a new team when you don't any of the kids. Let her know such feelings are normal.

Be reassuring. "It may take time to meet new kids and make new friends. Many of these kids have been friends with one another for quite a while, and may not be too receptive to a new person joining in." "Remember way back when you didn't know anybody--even Kevin, and then you became great friends. It will take time, but you'll make new friends just like you did at our other home."

Become acquainted with other parents. Be a room parent, offer to carpool, sign up to coach, be the team mom, meet other camper parents, and attend PTA meetings and other school functions. Getting to know parents of your child's potential friends is often a great way to invite the families over, giving your child the opportunity to have a new playmate. Also, introduce yourself to the neighbors: sometimes our kid's best friends can be literally next door. Find out who amongst your work colleagues has children: it's a way to learn not only about available kid activities, but also to arrange play dates for younger children (or find a babysitter!).

After all the test taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring, and acceptance waiting, the big event is almost here: Dropping teens off at college. You'd think that would be the easy part, but move-in day on college campuses is actually a high anxiety, emotionally draining affair (so says the voice of experience! Believe me, you're never prepared enough.) There are boxes to unload, roommates to meet, dorms to find. And there's also that final moment when you know you have to say goodbye to your child who may be leaving home for the first time.

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Here are a few strategies to give your college bound freshman a positive send off the right way...

1. Be Prepared. Letting go is going to be different than you expected and far more emotionally charged. After all, we've been so involved in our kids' lives and have been determined to give them the best. And frankly this is a huge economic investment. So recognize your feelings and sort out your emotions before the big departure. This is the time to use restraint. It's probably best not to say, "What am I going to do without you?"

2. Have the Significant Talk Before the Drop Off. Don't count on having a momentous goodbye once you get to campus. The day is guaranteed to be hectic and stressful and not the best time to air your list of parental concerns. Instead have the meaningful talk or one last big lecture to discuss those things that could become areas of contention a few days before you leave home. You might want to make a list of things you want to discuss: Financial matters (like spending money and that credit card); your expectations; how you'll stay in touch; when you'll see each other next; and those safety issues like binge drinking and date rape (most parents say safety is their biggest concern). A prior talk (if you think it is needed) will let you and your kid focus on move-in day and have a more positive departure.

3. Simplify the Move. Most kids are embarrassed pulling up in a big moving van. So think of boxes that are easy to pack (and throw away). Or a wardrobe already on hangers that can quickly be put into the closet. Bring a few things in one box you know your kid will not have packed: a First-aid care package (plastic container with bandages, gauze, adhesive tape, antibiotic ointment, an ice pack, thermometer, medicines for upset stomach, headache, cold or flu, sore throat lozenges or spray), a just-in-case phone card, a surprise batch of homemade cookies or nibbles for the dorm.

I don't know about you, but I'm suffering from a bad case of only what I can call "Shudder Syndrome", and it seems to be worsening. It's a relatively new ailment, but it always materializes when I read those disturbing statistics about young girls. I'm sure you know the ones about anorexia, depression, cutting, date rape, binge drinking, aggression, and bulimia. The list goes on and on. The minute I hear one, my ailment flares up: it always starts with a bad feeling deep down, and then my whole body just shudders. There has to be other parents like me who are shaking with worry. And I'm the mom of three boys! I can only imagine your symptoms if you're raising daughters. This is scary stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that our girls are doomed. And certainly boys have their own share of problems as well. I'm just saying we need to keep a closer eye on those trends and realize leading experts are concerned about the young female gender (and with quite valid reasons). We are seeing a rise in depression, eating disorders and low self-esteem. Most experts agree that it's due to continual negative messages that happiness comes from the outside (being a particular dress size, wearing designer labels, or getting liposuction or breast implants (I kid you not. The increase of plastic surgery among young women is frightening!) Robbed is that great notion that real happiness comes from the inside.

So how do we counter those constant negative media continually bombard our girls? How do we help young girls realize that there are other ways to be happy than by being rich, famous, or pencil-thin? What are ways for parents to help their daughters learn to feel comfortable in their own skin without having to copy "the look" of this week's Hollywood idol? And just how do we turn these troubling trends around and help our girls grow to be strong, confident and happy?

Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered.

I'm starting back to work a couple days a week and I'm in a panic. My toddler clings and cries so hard when I leave just to go to the grocery store that breaks my heart. Is there anyway to help my daughter feel more secure now? Thank you!  --Susan M., from Reno Nevada


Leaving our children when we know they feel insecure is heartbreaking. But there are solutions you can do now to help ease the pain and help your toddler feel more secure in your absence. The key is to slowly start implementing these tips way several weeks before you have to finally go back to work. The first tip is to make sure your child has a security object of some type.

Here are a few tips to help you help your toddler feel more secure in your absence:

Step 1. PREPARE YOUR TODDLER FOR SHORT GOODBYES

Provide a "lovey." Give a security blanket, cuddly stuffed animal or some kind of "security substitute" for your baby to use in your absence. It is a way for your toddler to soothe herself when you're not there.

Create secure transitions. Start several weeks before you leave by practicing good-byes with your toddler. Start with just saying goodbye when it's just the two of you. Then just leave a bit to go to the next room and pop back in with a big hello. Your baby will begin to realize "Mommy does return."

Mom and Dad, wake up: If you assume your child is using that fancy home computer to stimulate his brain, think again. The hottest new trend has kids using those keyboards to send vile, hateful and highly slanderous messages about their peers through the Internet. Once confined to playgrounds, bullying has hit cyberspace, cell phones and pagers, and it's both serious and sophisticated. So how do you protect your child from cyberbullying?

The first step is for parents to be aware of just how prevalent cyberbullying is these days. Where we once thought we just had to protect children from adult predators using the Internet, we now need to shield kids from one another.

Cyberbullying is most common around the middle school years, but is making its way into the younger set. Kids now a days are electronically savvy, but make no mistake: the behavior is all about intentionally causing another pain (bullying), and parents must be far more vigilante. The two biggest mistakes adults make is not taking children's complaints seriously, and allowing bullying in the first place.

There are some specific ways to protect kids from bullying both in cyberspace and on the playground. Parents today need a closer "electronic leash" on their kids and need to be more tuned into the cyberspace trend. This isn't about being controlling-this is good parenting. And the good news is that a recent study found that teaching children about unsafe online behavior and cyberbullying can actually reduce the impact.

Parents do make a difference! So here are solutions to start educating both you and your child about cyberbullying or if your child is cyberbullied.

Of course we want our kids to succeed. And how we hate it when they fail. But the truth is life isn't a bed of roses. Our kids will fail and suffer disappointments. An important parenting secret is helping our children learn how to bounce back from defeat and disappointments, and how we respond when they do does make a difference in how they learn to cope. Unfortunately all too many kids cut short their opportunities for success because they give up at the first sign of difficulty. If they see errors as indications that they are failures, eventually they are likely to stop trying. And so one of the most common questions parents ask is: "What's the best way to respond when my child makes a mistake?"

Here are nine, noncritical ways to respond to your child's error from my upcoming book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. (The most important parenting solution is the one listed ninth.)

1. Offer support only when needed. "I'm here for you if you need help" -- but avoid the temptation to do the task for your child. Your child needs to build confidence that he can figure out the problem for himself.

2. Help your child see that mistakes are chances to learn. Ask, "What did you learn so that you won't make the same mistake again?"

3. Stay nonjudgmental and help your child focus on what she's trying to achieve. Don't criticize, but do calmly ask, "How did you want this to turn out?"

4. Help your child recognize that you believe he can succeed in his efforts. Say, "I know you can do it. Hang in there."

5. Fight the temptation to say, "I knew that would happen" or "I told you so." Instead try saying, "That's interesting" or "That wasn't what you had in mind, was it?"

6. Let your child watch you do the task again and again. Some children need to learn "by seeing" how to do the task correctly instead of hearing you tell them how to do it right.

7. Don't yell, shame, criticize, judge, blame, or ridicule. Nobody (especially children!) likes to make mistakes, and everybody hates to be reminded of making them.

8. Teach your child an affirmation to bounce back. Select one phrase such as--"It doesn't have to be perfect." or "It's OK to make a mistake." or "Everybody makes mistakes."--and then help your child practice saying it out loud several times for a few days. The more often she sees and hears it, the greater the chance she will remember to use it to encourage her to bounce back when she errors.

9. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm! I know that sounds easier than it is, but the truth is our kids are watching our responses. How we act when our kids fail is often more important than what we say. So take a deep breath, Mom. See that failure as a learning opportunity.


Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

"Mooooommmm, Jacob's touching me!"
"Can't we give Jennifer away?"
"I hate my brother!"
"Why can't Sara find her own friends?"

Ahhhhhhh the blissful sounds of siblings struggling to get along. Most of us have such visions of our offspring being the world's best buddies, but with kids living under the same roof some bickering is bound to be the outcome. The closer your kids are in age, the more likely the squabbles. While you can't force your kids to like each other, there are ways to fend off some of those battles and some skills you can teach that will minimize jealousies, help them appreciate one another, so they are more apt to get along (and just maybe learn to like each other). Here are a few solutions:

Expect it! Studies show that one third of adults admit to having a rivalous relationship with their sibs. Those squabbles are normal and healthy to a certain extent. Investigations now show that minor sibling tiffs actually help kids learn to handle conflicts and deal with the outside world better.

Tune into your parenting responses. Be honest. Might you be playing favorites or putting too much pressure on one kid or another? Do you: Expect more of one child? Give one kid more attention? Take sides? Encourage rivalry in academics, sports, or popularity by acknowledging one kid over another? Pay equal attention to each child's hobbies, friends, school, and interests? Distribute chores, rewards, and opportunities fairly?

Never compare! Research repeatedly finds that the top reason for sibling rivalry is when parents compare their children. Make this be your sacred vow: Avoid comparisons and emphasize each child's individual strengths instead.

Find time alone for each child. Depending on your schedule, set aside blocks of time when each of your children can have your attention, exclusively. While the other siblings are gone or another adult watches them, take turns taking each of the children on special outings, such as shopping, seeing a movie, or getting ice cream.

Acknowledge cooperation. When you notice your children sharing or playing cooperatively or trying to resolve issues peacefully, let them know you are proud of their behavior. If the children know you appreciate their efforts, they are more inclined to repeat them. "I really appreciate how you two worked things out calmly this time. Good for you." "I noticed how you both made an effort to help each other figure out how to put the DVDs away. Nice job."

Stay neutral. Most research finds that the more involved you get in those tiffs, the more likely the sibling rivalry. Siblings need to learn how to work problems out on their own. So intervene when emotions are high, before an argument escalates. If the conflict does get heated, stay neutral and make suggestions only when your kids seem stuck.

Let each kid tell the story. In the case of hurt feelings or a battle, ask each kid to take turns explaining what happened. Doing so helps each child (especially a younger or less verbal one) feel they have been heard. No interrupting is allowed, and everyone gets a turn. You might need to set a timer for "equal talking time." When the sibling is finished, briefly restate her view to show you do understand.

Teach kids problem solving skills. Do teach your kids simple ways to solve their problems. Some of the best are "oldie but goodie" techniques that reduce squabbles such as: rock, paper, scissors; drawing straws, tossing a coin, oven timers ("You can use it until the timer goes off, then it's my turn"), tossing a dice ("Highest number chooses first"). They are great sanity savers for now, but also teach beginning negotiation skills our kids will need for later.

Start family meetings. Don't let animosity build up amongst siblings. It only lead to more conflicts and resentment. Instead, provide the opportunity for each child to be able to express their feelings and concerns and work through issues considered unfair such as in Family meetings. Some families set up a "Concern Box" where kids can request a "mediation" with the family member and parent present to help them work things out.

The secret is to find a way for kids to vent their feelings in a healthy way and not let them build into rivalry.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

It's been ten years, but I am still haunted by the memory. It was in Ottawa, Canada. I had just finished giving a keynote address on bullying to a large group of educators in Ottawa. A gentleman was quietly waiting by the stairs to speak with me. As I approached him, he silently handed me a picture of an adorable eleven-year old boy. With tears in his eyes, the man explained that the photo was his son who had hung himself because he was bullied. He said he had to talk to me. He'd listened to my speech and knew that if people had only listened to what I said about bullying, his son would be alive today. He asked me to please keep warning parents of the consequence, and then he hugged me quietly walked away.

I've carried that child's photo in my purse and shared it with hundreds of parents and educators everywhere I speak. It's my reminder that adults need to take bullying far more seriously, tune into our children closer, and step in so a child does not have deal with cold-blooded cruel attacks alone. It has got to stop and it is not.

Studies find that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. And this cruel behavior is only increasing with age. A recent study prepared for the American Psychological Association showed that 80 percent of middle school students admitted to bullying behavior in the prior 30 days. Research shows bullying is escalating and bullies are more likely to be aggressive and could carry a weapon.

There is also another danger as well. The United States Secret Service studied over 30 school shootings. Could they determine a profile of a school shooter? The answer was no, but they did find one commonality: each shooter had been bullied intensely by peers, and no adult ever intervened. Bullied children can become bullies.

So what do you do if your child is repeatedly bullied and your previous efforts fail and worse yet the bullying intensifies? You may have done everything you can to try and help, but the bullying does not stop. Do know that is sadly predictable. Bullying is almost always a repeated behavior. That means once a child is targeted she usually continues to be targeted. If this is your child, you must intervene. A bullied child cannot solve this problem on her own.

Here are nine things to do if your previous efforts fail and bullying intensifies.

Thinking of having your kid fly alone to visit someone this summer? After this week's news you just may want to rethink your plans.

It seems yet another unaccompanied minor flying to visit Grandma and Grandpa was someone "misplaced" by an airline and landed in not only in the wrong city, but the wrong state! I'm well aware that airlines frequently misplace luggage (why I've learned long ago to never ever check a bag), but I'm still baffled as to how it is that airplane employees can misplace a ten-year-old child.

In this case Dad did all the "right" things to ensure that his ten-year-old daughter was delivered safely to her grandparents. Dad filled out the required airline paperwork for Continental Airlines, walked his daughter to the gate at Logan International Airport with an airline employee, and even watched his child board the plane while his parents waited patiently at the Cleveland gate for her arrival. Despite all those efforts, the daughter landed in Newark, NJ leaving two grandparents and her dad frantically trying to track her whereabouts for 45 minutes. (Can you imagine the terror?) All because the flight crew of the connecting flight failed to check the young girl's paperwork (which was hanging prominently around her neck) and escorted her to the wrong aircraft.

The good news is that the ten-year-old is safe and sound and with her grandparents. Meanwhile I'm sure most parents hearing this are in full panic mode about letting their kids fly solo anytime in the near future - if ever.

So what 's a parent to do? In divorced families there isn't always an option when it comes to kids visiting their other parent. And spending a summer with grandparents is many a kid's fondest memory. My advice:  Don't be too quick to cancel your child's flight reservation --just yet anyway.

I know from personal experience that there are hundreds of kids who fly alone and really do land in the right city. I've also watched dozens of responsible airline employees help kids board planes, review their paperwork, give out individual safety instructions, and firmly let those minors know they are "not to move" until they are personally escorted to the next plane by a designated employee. Still there are always stories like this one that remind us that the unaccompanied minor system is not fail-proof. The parenting solution for this dilemma involves five quick tests to help assess whether your kid is really ready to fly alone in the friendly skies.

Excessive clinginess is a common phase in a child's early years. It usually starts around 8 or 9 months, peaks at 18 months, and then usually becomes less and less intense, ending around 2 years of age. It is also common around preschool age (the first separation from home) but sometimes is even present in young adolescents in certain anxiety-provoking situations. Though common, it still can be quite unsettling for a parent.

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Each child handles stress differently, so the causes of clinginess will be different for each child. A parent's job is to play detective and figure out what's causing clinginess. Typical causes include:

• Unsettling or traumatic experience: Bullying, hospitalization, fear of failure, death or illness of a parent, divorce, natural disaster, attachment gone awry


• Sudden transition: Moving, arrival of a new sibling


• A distressing separation: Long separations from a parent, threats of abandonment ("I will leave you if you don't come along.")


• Temperament: Some kids are more like tumbleweeds and roll with the punches; others are like orchids, more sensitive, less adaptable and more tightly strung. Twenty percent of 4-month-olds have a biological "nudge" in the direction of increased fearfulness and are a slower-to-warm child.

Typically a younger child will cling more towards their primary caregiver, which is normally mom, and can be quite unsettling for the other parent - usually dad. It's why it is helpful to understand child development and know that such behavior is normal and will pass.

Americans spend $60 billion a year on diets, pills and programs in the hope they will shed those unwanted pounds. Chances are, most people on any one of those diets are parents. What you may not realize is that secrets of effective diets also apply to effective parenting.

Those same proven methods that help drop pounds also can be used to make a happier family and change annoying kid behaviors. Parents already know these strategies, so now they just need to apply them to their family.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Choose a Plan That Fits Your Lifestyle
Just like in dieting, if you don't choose the right plan you'll fall off track. Effective parenting, like dieting, is always tailored to your child. Before you make any progress, just like anything else, you have to know thy child and know thyself with this one.

A good plan is always fueled by a strong reason as to why you should change, and how doing so will help your child and your family. It keeps you motivated. One trick is to push the fast-forward button and look ahead. If you don't create a plan for change what is the long-term outcome for your child?


Announce Your Intentions
Announcing your intentions is a strategy proven to actually help you stick to your plan. Researchers found that when people announce what they plan to change, they follow through more, since the last thing they want to be seen as is a hypocrite. So tell your best friend, spouse, child's teacher or your kid your parenting intentions. Always preach what you plan to practice. The guilt of not sticking to your plan can be deadly.

Regularly tracking progress increases motivation. You'll see successes that you may have overlooked and that proof pushes you to keep going. The trick is to find a simple way to track your plan, like electronically or in a journal. You'll then be able to review and see what's working and what's not. That way you can refine your response.


Eliminate One "Problem Area" at a Time
Only target one behavior at a time to change. Your chances of success are higher because you'll be able to better focus your efforts. One tip is to "chunk" the change into smaller manageable parts. You may want to stop your kid from being so rude: "This week Kevin will say thank you. Next week: please. The following week: excuse me." Little steps can make big differences.


Find Support in Others
It's much easier to succeed when you have others cheering you on. The best person is your partner or spouse, but your best friends can also help. You could also find an online support group or form a mommy group. Change is more likely if you have a support system to talk to about your successes or setbacks.

You need someone who encourages you to keep on, understands where you're coming from and is unconditionally supportive. This person is your personal cheerleader and that personality type helps you succeed. Leaning on someone that is too critical is a setup for failure. The person is like a gentle nag partner to keep you on course when you sway or help you troubleshoot a problem when the going gets tough.


Stick to the Plan
Any lifestyle change generally takes at least 21 days to come to fruition, but it will be different for each parent and child. Just beware of the "behavior backslide": Just when you thought you curbed that annoying behavior, you may see a sudden increase. It's common and is a sign to hang in there a little longer. A big mistake is giving up too soon.


Remember to celebrate those little successes and kid efforts along the way. Above all, don't give up!

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know 

When it comes to teens, parents sometimes feel like they're dealing with a different species all together.  Things like raging hormones, stress, sleep deprivation, growth spurts, self-consciousness and neurological wiring make teens super sensitive, moody and irritable. They're stuck in the middle of childhood and adulthood with the an urge to be independent. More physical changes are happening to their bodies that at any other developmental period in their life. Research confirms that their brains are wired differently so expect them to be a uniquely difficult species.

Watch the segment from TODAY

The secret is to "know thy teen" because no two are alike. Once you know what's "normal" for your teen, look for anything that deviates too much from the standard. That's why it's important to tune into your child to understand what's going on at this critical stage of development. Most parents are experts in those baby years, but are not as knowledgeable about those crucial teen years.

The top reasons that your teen might be giving you the cold shoulder are:

1. Stress: School, schedules, tests, worrying about the future, college acceptances, sleep deprivation

2. Peer pressure and the social scene: Girlfriends/boyfriends, fitting in, peer pressure

3. Substance abuse: Don't overlook drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs

4. Hormonal changes:  A growth spurt and adolescence

5. Your attitude: Use the "friend test": Would you talk to a friend the way you relate to your teen? If your friend won't tolerate it, it's time to be honest and change your attitude.

6. A bad habit: One you've allowed to continue.

So, why is it so important for parents to know their teen and develop their relationship? Because you can really spot the difference between "normal" and something else more serious that may be triggering a cold shoulder. Don't underestimate your influence on your teen. Though peers may influence a teen's behavior more, parents influence attitudes more than peers. Attitudes are far more long-term and significant.

Let's face it. It's a tougher time to be growing up, and the data confirms it. Bullying is fiercer. Peer pressure is tougher. Kids are also more aggressive at younger ages. Girls are meaner. Of course we can't always be there to pick up the pieces or help our kids stand up for themselves, nor should we. After all, the more our children see us as their rescuers, the more they learn to rely on us to solve their problems. The secret is help our kids learn how to be more assertive and speak up for themselves.

Here are seven ways to help your child learn to be respectfully assertive.

1. Model assertiveness. Be the model you want your child to copy. Don't be meek. Stand up for your views even if they may not be unpopular. Let your kids know that even though you might feel uncomfortable, you always feel it's best to stand up for your rights or the rights of others.
   


2. Be a democratic household. Hold debates. Use family meetings. Listen to each child (it doesn't mean you agree with them). When kids know their opinions count they are more likely to speak out and feel comfortable doing it.


3. Acknowledge your child's assertiveness. Let your child know you value people who speak their mind. Reinforce your child's assertiveness. "I like how you spoke up!" Reinforce those behaviors in your child and let her know you honor her opinions.


4. Find less domineering friends. If your child is a bit more timid and always hangs around a bossy playmate, provide him the opportunity to find a less domineering pal so he will be more likely to speak up and gain confidence.


5. Provide early leadership opportunities. New research from the Girl Scouts of America says kids say their confidence in speaking up and leading others dwindles by the fifth grade. Kids also tell us they gain that confidence is by entering into activities, clubs, team building, etc. and the earlier the better. So provide opportunities for your child to be a member of a team, take charge of a project or lead others. You might enroll your child in public speaking or theatre to build confidence in speaking in front of others.


6. Teach your child C.A.L.M. assertion. There are four steps that help kids stand up and speak up for themselves or others. Here are the four steps to C.A.L.M.
   

C - Stay Cool. If you get upset, ticked off, cry, pout you don't appear as confident.
A - Assert yourself. Teach your child a few comeback lines to say in different situations.
L - Look the person in the eye. The best way to appear more confident is by using eye contact.
M - Mean it. Teach your child the difference between how a wimpy and a strong voice sound. Then encourage your child to assert himself using a strong and firm tone--but not yelling tone--to get his point across.

7. Role-play assertive posture, assertive phrases and a firm-sounding tone until your child has the confidence to hold his own without you. And when he does, congratulate yourself. You will have taught your child a critical skill that he will need to use in every arena of his life but now and forever.

Do you have thoughts or questions on helping your child become more assertive?  Leave a comment below!

Related Content:

• 5 Tips for Helping Shy Kids
  
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

It's Thanksgiving Day and your family and guests are at your festive table, ready for the meal to begin, but you first want folks to share their Thanksgiving blessings. Be honest: Which scenario would best depict your reaction when it's your children's turn to count their blessings with the group?

Would you...

A: Beam with pride as they describe their gratitude for their life blessings?
B: Gently remind them of things they could share?
C: Want to die from embarrassment since your kids can't think of anything to say?

If your kids need reminders to say "thank you," show appreciation, or take thoughtful gestures for granted, then it may be time for a gratitude makeover. Studies prove that the happiest kids feel an appreciation for life, and that's regardless of their wealth or personal circumstances. They are also more joyful, determined, optimistic, resilient, less stressed and even healthier. So if you're a tad concerned that your kids' attitude of gratitude needs a little boost, the good news is that science also proves there are simple strategies to do it. One of the easiest ways is by establishing family rituals where kids count their everyday blessings. Here are a few to get you started:

Thank You ABCs. This one is great for younger kids to do at the dinner table. You and your kids say the alphabet together but for each letter include something you are grateful for: A, Aunt Helen; B, my brother; C, my cat, and so on. Take it up a notch by explaining why they are grateful. Families with small kids rarely get beyond H, but the point is you're having fun together and your kids are also learning to be appreciative.

Thanksgiving blessings. Say a prayer of thanks together before meals. Some families take turns so that each night a different member leads the prayer. Or, do bedtime blessings when each child exchanges messages of appreciation for one another followed by a goodnight hug and kiss.

Gratitude letters. Your child writes a letter to someone who has made a positive difference in his life, but has probably not thanked properly in the past (such as his teacher, coach, scout master or grandparent). To maximize the impact, research says that your child should read the letter to the person face-to-face.

Gratitude journals. Another proven way to boost gratitude is by having your kids write something they feel grateful for, ideally four times a week, and continue for at least three weeks. Younger kids can draw or dictate things they are most grateful for; older kids can write in a diary or on a computer. Why not do so as a family?

Thank your kids. Don't overlook your kids' daily thoughtful deeds. Just be sure to tell them what they did that you appreciate so they are more likely to copy your example and send their own "appreciation messages" to others.

Set limits. Having too much of anything squelches appreciation. So fight the tendency to overindulge your child with too many things. Giving kids what they want all of the time does not help them learn to be grateful and appreciative of what they have.

Expose your kids to the less fortunate. Face-to-face experiences can go a long way in helping kids appreciate their blessings. So find ways for you and your child to do charitable work (playing with kids in a homeless shelter, reading to the blind, building a low-cost home or delivering meals for the bed-ridden).

Remember, change is a process; not a one-time activity. Stick to your commitment and find simple ways to help your child practice gratitude. Reinforce any efforts and don't give up until you get the desired change.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

November 4 is Election Day, the moment that defines who we are as a democracy. It's easy to overlook how significant voting is--especially when the Election-Day coverage has been going nonstop for what seems like over two years. But this is it, folks. November 4 is also the day to teach your child about citizenship, democracy and the importance of voting. 

The percentage of youth who vote has been dismal. This is the first in a long time that kids are even showing an interest in the democratic process. For shame! Kids learn attitudes and behaviors early in life and they learn them best from parents. So here are ways to turn Election Day into not just a learning process, but also a fun family tradition.

1. Take your child to the polls. If you haven't voted early, bring your kids to the polls. Show the booth and ballot. My girlfriend's kids said their mom always did this, stressing it was her obligation as an American citizen to vote. Her adult kids have never missed voting in an election since.

2. Tune up red, white and blue. Hang up an American flag. Younger kids can make a construction paper flag replica. Explain what those 13 stripes and 50 stars mean. Make cupcakes dazzled with a red or blue sprinkles or frosting.

3. Choose your candidate and make campaign posters. Little ones can cut out pictures of their candidate from newspapers. School-age kids can make campaign posters for their candidate. Tweens and teens can analyze their candidate's views online. Some families make a ballot box (a shoe box with a slit on the top) and have each member vote on a paper slip then add up them up.

4. Hold family political debates and learn to fight F.A.I.R. The primaries were interesting in the Borba household, because every one of our five family members supported a different candidate. The fun part was listening to one another's views and some of those state measures make for fascinating discussions. The trick is making heated discussions calm. Here are four fighting F.A.I.R. rules to get your opinions across:

FREEZE if anyone gets a bit hot under the collar
ASSERT yourself by stating your position
"I" MESSAGES cut down on the blaming that can heat a discussion
RESPECTFULLY listen to each other's views

5. Watch the election-night coverage. Even if it's only for a few minutes, watch the TV coverage. Explain how the commentators are reporting who will be the next president. When I was growing up, this was a big-time family event.

6. Throw in political lessons. Hang up a map of the U.S. or print one from online. Do a quick lesson on the two-party system: Obama is the Democrat and McCain is the Republican. School-age kids can color in red or blue states on the map. An older kid can add up those electoral votes on a calculator and make the democratic process come to life.

7. Save the next day's newspaper. Make sure you put the next morning's headlines announcing the new president of the United States front and center in your household. Regardless of who wins, let your child know this elected man is the leader of the free world for the next four years.

Whether or not your candidate comes out the winner, please convey to your children that there are many countries in the world that do not have the privilege of choosing a candidate. Don't ever let your children take their democracy for granted.

And, make sure you vote!

Related Content:

• Teachable moments from the election
  
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have a two-year-old son. All he wants to do is watch “Blue's Clues.” If I turn the TV off, he gets very mad and throws a fit--cries, rolls around on the floor, etc. I have tried distracting him with toys or going outside. The toys work for a few minutes, but then he loses interest. I am at my wits end because I know TV is not good for children’s eyes, brains, etc. Any suggestions would be helpful. --Kelly


So glad you wrote, Kelly. You have yourself a little TV addict, so now let's break that habit. Based on your son’s behaviors, this isn't going to be easy, so buckle up and stick to your guns. Here are my thoughts:

1. You are 100-percent right to break this habit, especially once I tell you about new research from the University of Washington that will have you breaking the TV monitor. Those quick fire images (that your son adores) are not just damaging his eyes, but also his brain development, the study finds. For every hour your child watches TV at his tender age, he is 10 times more likely to develop attention deficit problems by age seven. I started with the doom and gloom so you will stick to your plan.

2. Withdraw. You're not telling me how much TV your son watches, but the American Academy of Pediatrics says the max for kids his age should be one hour per day. Whatever he watches now, cut that time in half.

3. Find an alternative. He's addicted now, so think about what you will use to replace TV time. Find something to occupy that time, and ideally something away from the TV. Arrange a new schedule around that time slot like a walk outside, a play date or a trip to the sandbox. Occupy his time by doing something he enjoys.

4. Get earplugs. There is one part of this, Kelly, that is just going to take tenacity on your part to not give in. You firmly announce, "No more TV," and that's' it. Do not give in. This may take a few days (and warning the neighbors) but the behavior should gradually decrease.

Hang in there! These are the core years for your child to be developing language, social skills, creativity and endless other things, and excessive TV viewing will only deprive your child's development.

Worse comes to worse, take the TV and hide it. Seriously!


Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

Yelling is contagious, so if you, or another family member, have been screaming, your child may have caught the “screaming bug.” It’s time for a temper makeover. Reducing temper tantrums will take commitment, but it is doable. Helping your kids learn to handle stress in a healthy way is critical any time, but especially now. Here are seven steps to reduce the yelling, control those tempers and become a calmer and healthier family.

Watch the segment from TODAY Step 1: Take the Calmer Family Challenge. Begin by gathering the troops and convey your new “no yelling” expectations to all family members. Explain that while it's okay to be angry, they may not use a yelling voice to express their feelings. If a family member needs to take a time-out to calm down, he may do so. Everyone must know you mean business, so take a vow and sign a pledge as a family, posting it on the fridge as a concrete reminder.

Step 2: Learn your stress warning signs. Kids mirror our emotions. When you raise your voice, they raise theirs. The best way to stop yelling is to identify your own stress signs that warn you that you’re getting angry. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs he or she may have that signal a start to getting upset. For example: “Looks like you’re tense. Your hands are in a fist. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?” (Some signs of an oncoming temper tantrum are flushed checks; a pounding heart; a louder voice; clenched hands; grinding teeth; and rapid breathing.) Anger escalates very quickly. If a child waits until he is in "meltdown" mode to get in control, it’s too late.

Step 3: Identify temper triggers. Figure out when and where arguments are most likely to transpire and what they’re over. Yelling matches typically happen at the same time (such as when you get home from work, at homework time or during morning mania) so recognize that and help your family identify the temper triggers.

These are tough times for us all, but they can be especially hard if you have kids.  After all, a big part of parenting is about wanting our children to be happy and shielding them from the more painful parts of life. So when our child’s face crumbles because we can’t afford their birthday party, it’s hard. When our kids tear up because we have to say "no" to the sports gear, instrument or shoes they wanted, it’s tough. But when you lose your job, car, home, savings, or your child’s college education, it’s heart breaking because you know that your kids’ lives will change, too.

This financial crisis will affect each family a bit differently, but the key concern is: How will these tough times affect our kids? And for that we need to look at research:

Rond Conger, a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis and others conducted a 20 year study of 450[i] families with school-age kids hit hard by the severe Farm Belt Recession in 1980. They found that the emotional affects of financial woes on children can be considerable triggering depression, anxiety, adjustment problems and poorer peer relationships in the kids. But the researchers also found one critical nugget:

The parents’ constant conflicts, irritability and hostile exchanges over money matters was what greatly increased the likelihood of their children's emotional and behavior problems.[ii] The parents’ constant stress over their money matters also reduced their parenting abilities so the kids’ problems remained with them through adulthood.

There is an important parenting secret here: Recognize that how you act and what you say these next days, weeks or even months can affect your children’s emotional well-being not only now but long-term. While you may not be able to save your job or house, there are ways to help your family get through these tough times.

Here are my 10 Secrets to help your children handle this financial crisis:

Most of us who have had a second child have heard something like this bouncing of the walls at home:

"What did I do to make you want another baby?"
"Will you still have time for me?"
"Do I have to give up my stuff?"
"My friends won't come over when there's a stinking baby in the house!"

While mommy and daddy may be thrilled about a new baby, the sibling-to-be isn't always so excited. After all, they realize they are no longer exclusively yours and their world is suddenly turned upside down. So jealousy, anger, and a bit of resentment are to be expected. Each sibling will respond differently to the change. The most trying times for a new sibling are generally two weeks prior and after the birth of a new sibling and is usually the toughest on kids between 18 months and 3 + years. But have faith, there are things you can do both before and after the birth that help reduce later sibling rivalry and jealousy and help make this transition smoother so your child realizes there's always enough love.

Watch the segment from TODAY Don't just make the big news about the baby.

Make it about the big brother or big sister, too. Your older child will now have a new role in the family. Celebrate that and reference your own family. Do you have an older sister? What did she mean to you? Are you the older sibling? How did you like taking care of your younger sibling?

Be aware of common behavioral changes in the older child, like:

Regression. Acting out, attention getting, bed wetting, baby talk. Don't overreact, punish, or admonish the regression. Instead, validate the child's feelings and help him figure out ways to express them. The behavior typically fades with your reassurance, and is typically caused by too much attention about the baby. Set big changes such as potty training or having the older kid turn over his crib or bedroom, several weeks before the new baby arrives so he won't associate those events with the baby's arrival.

Clinginess. Your child suddenly becomes excessively clingy or won't let you out of sight. Recognize these are signs of insecurity and assure your child of your love.  Make sure the clinginess isn't a fear about the mother's health caused by too much talk about the "hospital" and "doctors" or uncertainty. Discuss this is a "different" kind of hospital that takes care of little babies. Let him know the length of time you'll be there and that he'll be able to visit.

Embarrassment. For some tweens and teens. There's nothing you can do, so don't worry. This is most common for tweens when they figure out "Eww, you and dad did that???" and know their friends are clued in as well. Use it as a life lesson.

Aggression. Too much attention to a new baby can escalate aggression. Most of the time those pokes and throwing a toy on a baby are just ways a younger child hopes the baby will respond. Show him how to be gentle. Explain how helpless the baby is and that he feels pain, too. Encourage your child to tell you when he feels left out or upset. A more impulsive child should be watched carefully with a new baby and never left alone.