Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

We have an almost 10 year old girl who is our only child.  I'm 54 and my wife is 52.  She's a wonderful child but is having a hard time stopping herself from "hitting, kicking, and/or biting" her mother, and sometimes me.  We let her get away with it when she was small by not punishing her enough.  Now that behavior is still with her, though it has improved considerably.  Our daughter is a rather impulsive child, too.  We're at our wits end and I don't want to hit her back to make her stop the hitting.  But fear is a good teaching tool at times even though I seldom use it.  I want to protect her self-esteem and tell her she's a good girl even though she sometimes does bad things.  She knows we love her and she herself wants to stop the behavior but is having a hard time.  -Anonymous


Let's go straight to curbing your daughter's anger outbursts. Allowing a ten year old to continue biting and hitting is disastrous to your family's harmony and her self-esteem. This appears to be a habit since you're saying this started at a young age.

Just make sure there isn't anything else fueling the anger (stress, overscheduling, illness, ADHD). Once those are ruled out there are the seven steps to change inappropriate anger displays. This takes consistent commitment on your part and it is doable. but just know the change will happen gradually. She has been using this behavior so long it's now going to take a lot of "erasing" and re-framing. So here ya go...

1. Commit to change. You MUST (both of you) decide to stop this ASAP. You must stay on the same page and be consistent. If not, you can actually increase the hitting. But with this kind of behavior you must respond every time the same way.


2. Respond calmly. Do not hit her. Please. It is not effective in reducing anger (or any other behavior). It will only enforce the message that this is acceptable. Instead say calmly, "You are angry but you may not hit."


3. Apply a consequence every single time she hits. You've allowed it in the past and she's learned she can get away with it. So no more! "That's hitting. Please go to time out." (Notice I said, "please.") Say it firmly, then do not argue with her. You need to set up a place for her to go. Her bedroom is too distracting with things to do so try sitting at the kitchen table or a place there is no TV or cell phones etc. Think about ten minutes max. She is impulsive and this will be hard. If she sits do not talk to her. Ignore her. Don't plead or threaten. The time (set a timer) starts when she calms down. (A timer is great because it will reduce a power struggle. You need to control the timer). If she doesn't go to time out don't pull her or force it Just say firmly, "You need to go to time out." If she still doesn't comply (she gets two tries) it's an automatic loss of a privilege (something she really cares about. Toys, TV, etc)."You didn't go to time out like I asked so there is no TV this evening." Walk away and enforce the privilege removal. If you find taking away a privilege is more effective than time out than do that instead. The trick is to let her know you're not tolerating the behavior.


4. Reinforce using control. The fastest way to shape behavior is to acknowledge when a child is uses the right behavior. So whenever she is making an effort to display self control reinforce it. Try to aim for 5 positives to every 1 negative. It may take a while, but that's the goal. Only praise when deserved. If a reward system works- try it. I just don't want you doing too many things and overwhelming yourself, but once you get time out down then you can add a reward approach. A certain specified number of good displays of self control per day--say five--earns her a privilege. Add them up each week and it's a bigger prize. Keep track on a chart on the refrigerator. It must be clearly spelled out ahead.


5. Teach a replacer behavior. This one is critical. You want her to stop hitting and biting, so what do you want her to do instead? You must teach a substitute behavior or she will only continue the inappropriate behavior. Teach her to name her feelings. Teach her to walk away (take her own time out). Teach her 1 + 3 + 10 (First say "I'm mad." Then take 3 slow deep breaths. Then count slowly to 10. There are a number of good anger management techniques (my book Parents Do Make a Difference lists a few and the 1 + 3 + 10) just teach only one and nor more than two.


6. Rehearse the replacer. Change comes through practice. So practice, practice, practice the new replacer behavior when she is calm. It's the only way the replacer will kick in when she's angry.


7. Rebuild your relationship. You are all stressed and frustrated. That can increase the anger. Find fun ways to reconnect. No cost ways. A walk. A movie rental. Baking cookies- whatever, but rebuild connection and if you don't see change in two weeks it's time to seek the help of a trained mental health professional.

Hang in there. New behaviors generally take a minimum of 21 days of repetition to kick in. You must be consistent so track your own responses on a calendar. Above all stay calm with her and don't give up! I would only take on the anger challenge now. Forget other issues. This is where to put your energy.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have a 26 month old girl. She is starting to explore many things and obviously will not do as she is told. More often than not, she will be playing/touching/doing things which she is not suppose to do. The terrible two's... I also have a 8 wk old baby girl so that makes it harder for my elder child. I guess some of the things or tantrums that she throws is to seek attention. My concern is that I am getting more and more easily irritated with her behavior and in some situations, I end up being so frustrated that I end up shouting or screaming at her. I keep telling myself to remain calm but most times i end up losing my temper! What should I do? --Sue


I'm so glad you wrote! The first step to help you not yell at your children you just took. You admitted the problem and are seeking help. It's a big step. So now let's help you take step two and find ways to reduce your stress  The secret is to find one thing that works for you and repeat it until it becomes a habit.

1. Reduce stress  Stress is what fuels anger. Watch caffeine, eat nutritiously. Watch certain medications that may trigger irritability. What about an illness or hormones? Post-partum depression? Might you need a physical?

2. Take a power nap. I'm assuming you're sleep deprived with two little ones, so the moment your two kids are down for 15 minutes lie down yourself. Studies show that a short power nap can be more effective than a longer nap

3. Exercise. It reduces stress. I know you can't join a gym but maybe plop your two kids in a stroller and walk together

4. Change the scenery. The moment you feel on edge and might blow consider a change of scenery  Get yourself out of that house with your children. Do anything to break that anger cycle. Take a walk. Go to the park. Walk outside.

5. Get a support group. Is there any other woman you can connect with? Is there anyone you can open up to and confide how you're feeling?  Your mom, sister, girlfriend? Is there anyone who could watch your child for just an hour a day or week? Don't do this alone, Sue, would a counselor help? Do you have a minister you can speak with?

6. Find an online friend.  Go to iVillage.com or Momtourage.com to find other women online to share what's going on. The moment you start feeling on edge stop what you're doing and go to the computer instead. Get to a chat room or find that momtourage buddy who can help calm you down.

7. Take deep slow breaths. Stress builds into anger and it builds quickly. As soon as you feel it mount you must do something to let it out. Turn away from your children and take slow deep breaths. Keep a glass of water next to you (or a water bottle) and start taking slow sips. Sing instead of yelling.  Or just walk to another room. They will be better off if you walk to the next room. The trick is to find one thing that works to replace that anger and do the same thing every single time.

I don't want to overwhelm you with too much, I just want to offer you options. Your job is to sort things out and find something that works for you.  Please let me know how you are doing. There are ways to make things better and you owe that to you and your children.

Anyone out there willing to help Sue? An online buddy to check in? Or a strategy that's helped you stay cool when you're ready to lose it with your kids?  Please share your ideas. Moms need Moms!

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

Yelling is contagious, so if you, or another family member, have been screaming, your child may have caught the “screaming bug.” It’s time for a temper makeover. Reducing temper tantrums will take commitment, but it is doable. Helping your kids learn to handle stress in a healthy way is critical any time, but especially now. Here are seven steps to reduce the yelling, control those tempers and become a calmer and healthier family.

Watch the segment from TODAY Step 1: Take the Calmer Family Challenge. Begin by gathering the troops and convey your new “no yelling” expectations to all family members. Explain that while it's okay to be angry, they may not use a yelling voice to express their feelings. If a family member needs to take a time-out to calm down, he may do so. Everyone must know you mean business, so take a vow and sign a pledge as a family, posting it on the fridge as a concrete reminder.

Step 2: Learn your stress warning signs. Kids mirror our emotions. When you raise your voice, they raise theirs. The best way to stop yelling is to identify your own stress signs that warn you that you’re getting angry. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs he or she may have that signal a start to getting upset. For example: “Looks like you’re tense. Your hands are in a fist. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?” (Some signs of an oncoming temper tantrum are flushed checks; a pounding heart; a louder voice; clenched hands; grinding teeth; and rapid breathing.) Anger escalates very quickly. If a child waits until he is in "meltdown" mode to get in control, it’s too late.

Step 3: Identify temper triggers. Figure out when and where arguments are most likely to transpire and what they’re over. Yelling matches typically happen at the same time (such as when you get home from work, at homework time or during morning mania) so recognize that and help your family identify the temper triggers.