A high school "Slut List of 2010" is causing nationwide concern amongst educators and parents. The list, featuring almost two dozen names of 13 and 14-year-old freshman girls, was widely circulated amongst students at Millburn High School in New Jersey.

Among the sexually explicit details and highly derogatory comments (supplied by Millburn-Short Hills Patch) are:

"My friends practice giving head on me because I'm a man."
" I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you [drugs] for free if you get with me."
"I want it so bad I'll beg you to stick it in."
"I (censored) like I blow the candles out on the menorah."
"Keeping up with the family tradition, [blank] me.... and knock me up."

All teens can be irritable, want to be secretive, and appear and even act alien- like. But when should a parent worry--really worry about their child? Did you know that one in 12 teens suffered at least one episode of major depression in the last year? Of those, a full 60 percent are not getting treatment.

That question has caused many a sleepless night for moms and dads. The more you understand typical adolescent behavior and the signs of depression, the better you'll be at tailoring your parenting to this "new tenant" of yours and getting your teen the help he or she may need.

I'm concerned that many parents are missing those crucial warning signs and too many of our teens are suffering needlessly from depression. Depression is a serious disease that affects approximately 2 million adolescents in the United States. Depression is treatable. I'm so concerned that I've partnered with Forest Laboratories to help educate parents about teen depression.

A recent survey of parents of adolescents (aged 13-17) found that parents are missing the symptoms of depression. Of parents who said they were at least somewhat knowledgeable about the symptoms of depression, 89 percent claimed they would be able to tell if their son or daughter was exhibiting symptoms. However, when asked to identify the symptoms, only 44 percent of parents were able to correctly identify the majority of them (5 out of 9).

Any new social scene can be really tough. Having all new classmates, joining a brand-new group of kids on a soccer team, transferring to a new school, going away to camp alone and most of all moving isn't easy. And oh how kids can pour on the guilt to remind us they're not happy campers: "You're ruining my life!" "Why do I have to go to this new school?" "Why can't we move back to our old neighborhood? Do you have any idea how unhappy you made me?"

Knowing that our kids are lonely, feel left out, and desperately miss their old group is tough. As much as we'd love to, we can't instantly wipe away our their pain because their best friends are left behind and they can't fit in with the new crowd. But we can ease their discomfort by making the transition a bit smoother. We can help them find ways to make new friends. And we even can teach them new friendship making skills that actually may be ones they can use in other social arenas. So think positively, and stay focused on what you can do to boost your child's friendship quotient and get him through this tough time. Here are a few parenting solutions to help your child get started fitting into any new social scene.

Acknowledge feelings. If your child doesn't share her feelings, you can help her recognize how she feels: "You must be feeling lonely and miss your old group." "I can you're worried." It's tough to join a new team when you don't any of the kids. Let her know such feelings are normal.

Be reassuring. "It may take time to meet new kids and make new friends. Many of these kids have been friends with one another for quite a while, and may not be too receptive to a new person joining in." "Remember way back when you didn't know anybody--even Kevin, and then you became great friends. It will take time, but you'll make new friends just like you did at our other home."

Become acquainted with other parents. Be a room parent, offer to carpool, sign up to coach, be the team mom, meet other camper parents, and attend PTA meetings and other school functions. Getting to know parents of your child's potential friends is often a great way to invite the families over, giving your child the opportunity to have a new playmate. Also, introduce yourself to the neighbors: sometimes our kid's best friends can be literally next door. Find out who amongst your work colleagues has children: it's a way to learn not only about available kid activities, but also to arrange play dates for younger children (or find a babysitter!).

After all the test-taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring and acceptance-waiting, the big event is almost here.  Your child will soon be leaving for college.  But is your teen really ready to handle life away from home sweet home?

If you've suddenly realized that your same high school grad who passed those SATs with flying colors can't change a light bulb or balance a checkbook, believe me you're not alone. Many parents are dealing with those same anxiety pangs. The good news is there are still a few weeks left before those final goodbyes.

Here are four steps you can use to help your college bound teen really be ready to handle life solo style. Just keep in mind that the move in date is quickly approaching so best to start this one ASAP.

STEP 1: IDENTIFY "AWAY FROM HOME" NEEDS
Over the next days/weeks tune into your teen and determine which life skills he can and can't do without your help. Then create a list of what your teen needs to learn like changing a tire, making a doctor's appointment, using a microwave, paying a bill, using a fire extinguisher, writing down appointments, balancing a savings account or doing laundry. Keep adding to that list of what life skills you think your teen needs for the environment he'll be living in.

STEP 2: MAKE A REALISTIC PLAN
Look over that list and prioritize what your teen really needs to learn and what is realistic to teach in the time you have left. Get your teen involved by asking what she feels she lacks in the "handling life" department. Then use a calendar to create your teaching plan. Write a different life lesson you plan to review before your teen leaves home for each week.

STEP 3: TEACH SKILLS FOR INDEPENDENCE
Zero in on one area each week before those college doors open. The goal is to ensure mastery so your teen can do the task without you. First teach by going through the task together and explaining each step so that she knows what to do. Only use real life examples. For instance, if you're teaching her to write a check, go to the bank and set up a real checking account, then require her to use that checkbook from now until school starts. Finally supervise to ensure that she can handle the job solo.

STEP 4: START BACKING OFF
Once your teen knows how to do the task alone, then back off. No more rescuing. Instead, begin to teach another skills. Your new parenting mantra to follow is: Never do for your child what he can do for himself. This is also the time to slowly start expanding that curfew and his responsibilities.

Of course, the real secret is not waiting until that move out day to teach these critical life lessons. So roll up your sleeves and start in. There's a wonderful Navaho proverb that says, "We raise our kids to leave us." Turn these next weeks in parenting to achieve that goal.

So what are you waiting for? The clock is ticking and the big count down is on. GO!


Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Let's face it, most parents are traumatized by the idea of dating and teens. That's why I love Sarah O'Leary Burningham's great new book, Boyology.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Though written as a crash course for girls about dating, it's a great source to help parents understand that dating can be unsettling for teens, too. The book is filled with stories from real teen stories across the country, and gives parents an insider's look at what their teens are experiencing and thinking.

It also will help parents get back in to the teen frame of mind, so they can remember how they felt about their first crush or getting dumped, and better relate to what their kids are going through.

Here a few take aways from Boyology:

Don't encourage pairing up too soon. A safer approach is to ease your teen into the dating scene by first sticking with groups (which is "in" these days - yes!). So open your home so teens have safe turf. You'll get to know your daughter's friends and boyfriends, and keep an eye on things. It's ok to check every once in a while but there's a fine line between being there and actually hanging out with the kids.

Insist on a meet and greet. Once your teen is dating do insist on personally meeting each first date and ideally in your home. Though most parents-especially dads-would like to curtail dating until around 35 the average age is 15 or 16 though many start dating as young as 13 or 14. The actual age isn't the issue: a teen's maturity level and self-esteem (especially a girls) matter more.

Talk R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Discuss appropriate dating behavior and how dates should treat each other.

Set a curfew that must be followed. A brief one-liner in front of the date is sufficient. You should talk about curfew BEFORE he comes to get her and then all you have to do is tell him "Kelly's planning to be home at 11." And if it's a special date or the prom, consider extending the curfew (trustworthy teens need a few perks!)

Stress that No means NO! Most important do stress in your daughter that NO means NO! Then review when and where they are going with the date. This is the one time to let your kid borrow a cell phone for "just in case" scenarios.

Be her excuse. A lot of the teenagers I interviewed used their parents as excuses to get out of uncomfortable situations, from just wanting to go home to having a weird feeling.

Be there when she gets home. Your teenager counts on you. She might not act like it all the time, but she does.

Know your influence. Don't underestimate how much your opinion about sex matters. Studies show that daughters whose moms talk with them about sex and express disapproval over their teen's having sex are much less likely to have sex than peers. So TALK! (and talk and talk).

You can click here to buy Sarah O'Leary Burningham's book Boyology today.


Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Earth to parents: Are you aware of the energy drink called, "Blow?" If not you should be.

The drink is available for kids to buy online and will be coming to a store near you. The product is causing an uproar amongst the medical profession, substance abuse counselors as well as parents and for good reason. Here is why I'm concerned and want you to be aware of the product.

My biggest concern is that the product imitates the look and feel of cocaine. It comes as a white powder in a vial. The actual kit is packaged in a Styrofoam container so it is made to look like a block of cocaine. Blow is the street name for cocaine. This is all about glorifying cocaine and criminal-like behavior to our kids.

My second concern is about our kids' health. We're already seeing that too many of our kids are using caffeine as an energy source. One can of Blow has the equivalent of three cups of coffee. Medical professionals warn parents that too much caffeine increases blood pressure, and causes heart palpitations. That's also more sleepless nights for too many sleep-deprived kids.

My third concern is that product developers are making no apologies for the product and are clearly marketing the energy drink to adolescents. In fact, they also claim that there is "zero evidence" to prove that using Blow will cause kids to start using drugs. Oh really?

Why then does research show that kids who see those drinking advertisements are more likely to drink at a younger age?

Why then does research show that young girls who view repeated images of pencil-thin models are more likely to develop eating disorders?

Why then does research show that kids whose parents smoke are more likely to take up smoking themselves?

Why then does research show that kids whose parents tell them repeatedly that they want them to abstain from sex until marriage are more likely to do so?

I beg to differ. Children are influenced by what they see, hear and copy.

Don't let your kids think there is anything cute about this product. Speak up!

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

Research on romantic feelings in younger children is scant, however, studies have shown that it's normal for children in even the middle school years, around grade six, to develop very strong feelings for the opposite sex. Though we may not consider these feelings as "love" your child does.

Tips for parents on handling the first real love:

1. Stay connected Don't dismiss your child's "I'm in love" comments as nonsense. New research confirms that teen feelings are just as strong--and more--as adults.


2. Hold the "big talk" again. Don't you think it's better that your child gets this information from you than from his friends or the media?


3. Bedrooms off limits. Set a rule that your kid may not entertain in his bedroom.


4. Communicate your family's values about sexuality so your child hears your view about intimacy, commitment and love. It doesn't mean that your child is going to necessarily adopt your values, but he needs to hear what you stand for to help guide his own behaviors.


5. Stress that promiscuity does not make you popular. Reputations stay long afterward.

More Young Love "Firsts"

• First Puppy Love
• First Crush
• First Steady
• First Breakup
• First Date
• First Real Love
• First Time

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know.

A first date is going out "one on one." Though most parents (especially fathers of daughters) would like to hold this rite of passage until around 35, polls say a first date is around fifteen.  Before the age of about 15 or 16 most dating is done in groups--boys and girls go together to a movie, a sports game or a mall--and all get to know each other.

Getting those car keys puts a whole different spin on the dating scene. Dating rules are different for each family which could range from disallowing it completely or allowing it only after your child reaches a certain age.

Tips for parents for handling the first date:

1. Set clear dating age rules.


2. Set a curfew and review them with the date. Know where they are going.


3. Personally meet. Insist on personally meeting each date ideally in your home.


4. Beware of "too big of age differences" in dating.


5. Don't push too early. Studies show that early dating leads to early sexual activity. Waiting to pair off until age 16 or older tends to slow down the rush to sex.


6. Encourage involvement in groups that are adult supervised.

More Young Love "Firsts"

• First Puppy Love
• First Crush
• First Steady
• First Breakup
• First Date
• First Real Love
• First Time

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know.

Middle school and even into high school is generally where those first heartbreaks in head over heels relationship end. Regardless of age, first love and then first rejection can be traumatic and a big blow to self-esteem.

We know life will go on and there will be others, but a kid doesn't have that perspective. The parent's job is to find ways to support your child and help her cope through that first big heartbreak.

Tips for parents on handling the first breakup

1. Listen and acknowledge. Be an attentive, sympathetic ear or shoulder.


2. Share your experiences to help normalize it. Give some perspective that's he's not alone: "I remember when I was 13 there was this guy I really liked..."


3. Fill her social calendar and boost her self-worth. Self-esteem may take a nose-dive.


4. Don't dismiss the pain by saying things like,"Don't worry, there will be other boys." Even though there will be, no rejected kid wants "others" at the moment.


5. Watch for red flags. Your kid is grieving so it's normal for her to cry, mope and withdraw. You should see a gradual return to her old self. If not, get help.


6. Caution against retaliation and baring her feelings online for the entire world to read.

More Young Love "Firsts"

• First Puppy Love
• First Crush
• First Steady
• First Breakup
• First Date
• First Real Love
• First Time

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know.

Around the eighth grade or early adolescence many kids have their first steady relationship, "hanging out" with one another almost exclusively. Clues that they are an "item" include seeing a certain name being doodled over and over on school papers or folders or finding hearts drawn on bedroom mirrors or under pillows.

The key difference between a "steady" and a "crush" is the "quality of the attraction." Intense feelings are now "sexualized" and a parent's worst fears begin.

Tips for parents on handling first crush:

1. Insist your kid strike a balance between the "boyfriend" and other friends


2. Watch out for a sudden grade drop, overly secretive (such as closing the computer or turning off a cell phone) or an obsessive-type relationship (calling 12 times a day, writing multiple messages or insists your child be exclusive to him)


3. Set limits on using phone, Internet or IM'ing with this kid.


4. Monitor internet and voice messages. Tell him you will peruse messages.


5. Caution your kid not to send self photos in various stages of undress to the steady

More Young Love "Firsts"

• First Puppy Love
• First Crush
• First Steady
• First Breakup
• First Date
• First Real Love
• First Time

---

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know.

It's been a tough few days for the swimming great, Michael Phelps. First, a photo of him inhaling marijuana from a pipe at a fraternity party surfaced on the Internet, and it immediately hit every news agency from here to Timbuktu. Next, Kellogg announced it would not renew its sponsorship contract with the swimmer due to the controversy, and now he's been suspended from USA Swimming for three months. Who knows what's in store next for this acclaimed athlete?

I'm a huge Michael Phelps fan and cheered him on every moment he was in that Bejing swimming pool. I'm an even bigger fan of his mom, Debbie Phelps (don't you love her?), so this week's news hit me hard. But I also wonder about all those kids who are his fans and how they are taking this.

Have you talked to your children about this Michael Phelps moment? I hope you're using this saga as one of those great teaching moments. After all, children are talking about this on the playground with their peers, so why not add a little of your perspective? Here are a few talking points to discuss with your kids:

Think before you act. Conscience is a powerful motivator, but it must be cultivated--especially with teens because their impulsiveness takes over. "What's wrong with one little inhale?" they'll say. "Who will ever know?" Stress there are "no take backs," and tell your kid if they even have the slightest doubt that something is wrong, they shouldn't do it!

Use your conscience. A simple conscience test to teach your kid is the Newspaper Test: "How would you feel if your action made the headlines and everyone could read it?" It's a test I'm sure Michael wished he would have used.

There is no privacy. Stress how camera phones can make every private moment very public. The photo of Phelps is there for eternity. This Facebook generation better "know thy electronic consequences."

Actions have consequences. Many kids--not yours, but the neighbor kid next door, right?--think they can get away with bad behavior. The lesson here is this: No matter who you are or how many gold medals you earn, there are consequences to bad behavior. You will be accountable.

Actions impact others. Kids often are self-centered and don't see that their behavior is far-reaching. Use these empathy-stretching questions: "How do you think Michael's mother and sister feel right now?" Discuss the effect one bad move has had on Michael, as well as his family.

Apologize when you err. I wish every kid could see the tape of Michael Phelps apologizing last night on TV. It was a sincere "I'm sorry." Stress to your child that though you can never take back any action, you need to do what Michael did--apologize, and try to make amends for the pain you caused (which he did beautifully).

Just turn to the sports page, cut out the story, and put it on the dinner table so you're ready for your discussion tonight. What are you going to say?

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

When it comes to teens, parents sometimes feel like they're dealing with a different species all together.  Things like raging hormones, stress, sleep deprivation, growth spurts, self-consciousness and neurological wiring make teens super sensitive, moody and irritable. They're stuck in the middle of childhood and adulthood with the an urge to be independent. More physical changes are happening to their bodies that at any other developmental period in their life. Research confirms that their brains are wired differently so expect them to be a uniquely difficult species.

Watch the segment from TODAY

The secret is to "know thy teen" because no two are alike. Once you know what's "normal" for your teen, look for anything that deviates too much from the standard. That's why it's important to tune into your child to understand what's going on at this critical stage of development. Most parents are experts in those baby years, but are not as knowledgeable about those crucial teen years.

The top reasons that your teen might be giving you the cold shoulder are:

1. Stress: School, schedules, tests, worrying about the future, college acceptances, sleep deprivation

2. Peer pressure and the social scene: Girlfriends/boyfriends, fitting in, peer pressure

3. Substance abuse: Don't overlook drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs

4. Hormonal changes:  A growth spurt and adolescence

5. Your attitude: Use the "friend test": Would you talk to a friend the way you relate to your teen? If your friend won't tolerate it, it's time to be honest and change your attitude.

6. A bad habit: One you've allowed to continue.

So, why is it so important for parents to know their teen and develop their relationship? Because you can really spot the difference between "normal" and something else more serious that may be triggering a cold shoulder. Don't underestimate your influence on your teen. Though peers may influence a teen's behavior more, parents influence attitudes more than peers. Attitudes are far more long-term and significant.

Dr. Michele Borba and Dr. Melvin Oatis talk about why kids today are so stressed out, and tips for understanding on how you can help them unwind.

Watch the segment from TODAY


What do you think about this hot-button issue? Leave a comment!

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• What really makes teens happy?
• More from Michele Borba about stress
• More from Michele Borba about school
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know.

The report card on our children's character is just in, and it appears many are flunking. The Josephson Institute of Ethics just released survey results of over 30,000 high school students involving over 100 high schools--both private and public--show dismal results: Cheating is rampant in schools, and is only getting worse. 64 percent of students admit to cheating on a test in the past year, and 38 percent did so two or more times. (That's up 60% and 35% from the 2006 survey). 36 percent say they used the Internet to plagiarize an assignment (that's up 33 percent since 2004). Another survey found that 95 percent of kids say they're never been caught.

But there is another troubling trend as well: Stealing is increasing (30 percent of all students surveyed admitted they stole at least once from a store) and their student attitudes about their deceptions are even more disturbing. Over 93 percent of students say they are satisfied with their personal ethics. We need to turn this trend around and ASAP.

Watch the segment from TODAY


There is no one reason kids cheat, but here are the usual causes:

1. Laziness: Cutting corners so you don't have to study. It's the shortcut to success.


2. Pressure: Competitiveness in a very high-stakes testing environment


3. Fear of failure: Fear of letting down a parent or not getting that scholarship


4. Truncated "honesty" quotient: The expectation for honesty isn't emphasized


5. Ease & efficiency: The Internet makes it so much easier just to cut and paste.  Over 3000 YouTube videos are up right now teaching kids how to cheat!


6. Time Famine: Over-scheduled kids with no time to study


7. Peer Pressure: Tough to stand alone if everybody else is cheating
   


8. Modeled behavior:  Coaches who push "score" at any cost, teachers who look the other way, helicopter parents who want the "grade" at any cost. It goes all the way up to Wall Street, NFL players, Senators, etc.

Though there are a number of reasons kids cheat, the key to stopping it is to determine why your child is resorting to using this behavior. Here are a few of the main reasons:

• Weak conscience or honest quotient: Character is taking a backseat


• Stress: The push and pressure to excel is huge


• No time: The child so over-scheduled that there is no time for homework


• Low skill level: Academic expectations are too high or the child is incapable of work


• Peer pressure: Your child is in with a group that eggs him or her on, or the other kids cheat


• Laziness: Allowed to get away with it.

I'm a big believer in the idea that it's never too early to be alarmed. Cheating and deception are learned early and become entrenched as a habit of "acceptability." It begins in earnest around the ages of 10 to 14, which is when we need to tune in a lot closer. Make no mistake, every time your child is allowed to get away with cheating, the child's conscience takes a ding. Though every kid will try it, the key is to nip it before it becomes "acceptable."

So how do you stop cheating before it becomes rampant?  Read my post on How to Stop the Cheating Epidemic for tips.

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• How to Stop the Cheating Epidemic
  
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them.

In an earlier post--Help! My Kid is a Cheater!--I explained the warning signs to tell if your child is cheating, and some of the reasons why cheating has become such an epidemic.  Now that you've assessed the situation here some steps you can take to curb those cheating behaviors:

Watch the segment from TODAY

1. Breathe: Know that these days most kids admit they do cheat. How you respond will make a difference if he or she continues or not. Often the highest achieving kids are the students under the greatest pressure to cut corners.


2. Find out what's really going on: Why is your child resorting to using this behavior? Are the expectations too high? Is he over-scheduled? Is he not capable of the work? Does he lack good study habits? Is everyone else in the class cheating or peer pressure is too high?


3. Work out a solution: The key is for your child to know that you understand he's under pressure but cheating is not the way. So together figure out how to remedy the problem so cheating isn't your child's solution. (i.e. There's no time to do homework so he copies - then cut one of those darn activities. If he is lazy and doesn't want to do the work, then no more TV time, but create a solution so the problem doesn't solve escalate (which it will).

If you need to approach your child's teacher, do so cautiously. If your child is not cheating and you point out your concerns, the teacher will now be suspicious of your child's behavior. It's better to first approach your child to get the facts. After you hear her out you talk to the teacher if the situation warrants. A lot will depend on the seriousness of the issue, and if this is a one-time happening or a long time occurrence. If you suspect your child is cheating, you'll also want to know if this is just your child doing this or the whole class.

If you talk do to the teacher, remember you want her as an ally. Is your child turning in assignments? When are the test days? Are the tests cooperative or is each child expected to do their own work (seriously). Is your child capable of the work? Ask the teacher to clarify her expectations to your child so she is clear as to what constitutes cheating.

If cheating becomes a pattern for your child. then you must break it. Every time a child gets away with it, a little more of that honesty fiber is chipped away, which is why you must nip this behavior in the bud. Cheating is learned and so is honesty. Which means the reverse is possible. So aim for the reverse: An honest kid. Remember, cheating is a learned behavior, so it can be unlearned.

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• Help! My Kid is a Cheater!
  
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them.

November 4 is Election Day, the moment that defines who we are as a democracy. It's easy to overlook how significant voting is--especially when the Election-Day coverage has been going nonstop for what seems like over two years. But this is it, folks. November 4 is also the day to teach your child about citizenship, democracy and the importance of voting. 

The percentage of youth who vote has been dismal. This is the first in a long time that kids are even showing an interest in the democratic process. For shame! Kids learn attitudes and behaviors early in life and they learn them best from parents. So here are ways to turn Election Day into not just a learning process, but also a fun family tradition.

1. Take your child to the polls. If you haven't voted early, bring your kids to the polls. Show the booth and ballot. My girlfriend's kids said their mom always did this, stressing it was her obligation as an American citizen to vote. Her adult kids have never missed voting in an election since.

2. Tune up red, white and blue. Hang up an American flag. Younger kids can make a construction paper flag replica. Explain what those 13 stripes and 50 stars mean. Make cupcakes dazzled with a red or blue sprinkles or frosting.

3. Choose your candidate and make campaign posters. Little ones can cut out pictures of their candidate from newspapers. School-age kids can make campaign posters for their candidate. Tweens and teens can analyze their candidate's views online. Some families make a ballot box (a shoe box with a slit on the top) and have each member vote on a paper slip then add up them up.

4. Hold family political debates and learn to fight F.A.I.R. The primaries were interesting in the Borba household, because every one of our five family members supported a different candidate. The fun part was listening to one another's views and some of those state measures make for fascinating discussions. The trick is making heated discussions calm. Here are four fighting F.A.I.R. rules to get your opinions across:

FREEZE if anyone gets a bit hot under the collar
ASSERT yourself by stating your position
"I" MESSAGES cut down on the blaming that can heat a discussion
RESPECTFULLY listen to each other's views

5. Watch the election-night coverage. Even if it's only for a few minutes, watch the TV coverage. Explain how the commentators are reporting who will be the next president. When I was growing up, this was a big-time family event.

6. Throw in political lessons. Hang up a map of the U.S. or print one from online. Do a quick lesson on the two-party system: Obama is the Democrat and McCain is the Republican. School-age kids can color in red or blue states on the map. An older kid can add up those electoral votes on a calculator and make the democratic process come to life.

7. Save the next day's newspaper. Make sure you put the next morning's headlines announcing the new president of the United States front and center in your household. Regardless of who wins, let your child know this elected man is the leader of the free world for the next four years.

Whether or not your candidate comes out the winner, please convey to your children that there are many countries in the world that do not have the privilege of choosing a candidate. Don't ever let your children take their democracy for granted.

And, make sure you vote!

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

My thirteen year old daughter was recently asked to by a friend of hers who happens to be boy to send him a naked picture of herself over the phone. She was smart enough to tell me about it and we discussed all the reasons why someone should never ever do that, yet just last week I found out that she did send him a picture of herself in her bra and panties, which actually had her more covered than her bikini and luckily she hasn't developed yet. But I'm freaking out. I can't believe she was that stupid after all our discussions. I've taken her phone away and the boy swears he deleted the picture and didn't show anyone and I can only hope that we can trust him. Meanwhile, I haven't told my husband because I'm afraid his head would explode which I feel so guilty about, I never keep secrets from him. I'm so embarrassed at my daughter's stupidity that I can't tell anyone so that's why I guess I really needed this vent. --Tricia


I understand why you need to vent. This is scary stuff. If there's good news in this it is that you have an open relationship with your daughter. For your thirteen-year-old to tell you she sent a photo to her boyfriend in her underwear is huge. You've done something very right to create that openness. You talked about the reasons it is wrong and you took away her cell phone. You did all the right things. So I'm just going to add a few tips here:

1. Keep talking and talking. That discussion has to be an ongoing dialogue. Teens need far more than one time discussions about such serious issues.

2. Research shows the brain of a teen is still developing and those parts that help kids understand "if... then..." aren't always there. It's why you're shocked she did this (regardless of how smart she is) and it's why so many kids are doing very careless and potentially dangerous things. They don't see the consequences. Keep talking consequences about every issue so she learns to start thinking things through. ("if you did that, what could happen?")

3. You might want to cut down on phone features if/when you do decide it's time to give it back to her.  No internet or picture capabilities.

4. Talk about sex, although I'm sure you're already aware of this.  She is clearly engaging in promiscuous behavior. If she feels comfortable sending her boyfriend a photo of her in her underwear and he wants one of her nude- they're "fairly comfortable", mom. Time to make sure you're talking about birth control precautions.

The photo still concerns me, however.  How do you know the boy destroyed it? Posting such photos on Facebook and Myspace are big these days. If these two break up and there is any animosity it's common for kids to post such a photo. That would be devastating for your daughter since the world would see it. Consider talking to that boy. Getting a copy of it. Do you trust him? You might need to get your husband involved because the potential seriousness of the issue.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

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Well, school has started and about now the “Honeymoon” is over. Assignments start to pile up and those homework battles may be starting up, too. “Homework time” can be very stressful and tension-filled for both child and parent, but research clearly says that doing homework enhances not only a child's learning but also teaches essential skills they will need to succeed in school and in life. A few of those skills include learning organization, problem solving, attention span, memory, goal-setting, responsibility and “stick-to-it-ness” as well as academic skills.

Here are just a few secrets to make homework time more successful for your child and you. The real parenting secret is to find what works best for your kid and then stick to it!

1. Recognize your role as "helper" not "doer."  Sometimes in our quest to help our kids succeed, we may get carried away providing too much help. Make sure he's doing the work- not you! One of the best self-esteem enhancers is recognizing a job we can be proud of. Offering too much help robs your child of those powerful, “I did it!” moments, and he just may be saying to himself instead, “Mom did it for me.”

2. Praise efforts and not just the “end product.” Kids needs to learn the importance of hard work and effort and homework provides a great opportunity for you to reinforce his perseverance. You might start a family motto such as “Never Give Up!” or “Don't quit until you succeed” or “In this family, we finish what we start,” Perhaps the most important trait doing homework instills in our children is perseverance. The only way they'll learn to value effort is by our steady emphasis of “it's not good enough just to start; you have to finish.”

3. Insist homework be her responsibility not yours. Resist the temptation of always sitting next to her and offer your help only when it's really needed. If your child is having difficulties, help her understand the work by making up similar problems and showing her step by step how to do it. Then watch her try to do one on her own. That way you won't be doing all the work for her. Asking her to show you her completed work at the end of each row or section is another way to ensure she's following the directions correctly but not relying on you for every detail.

4. Section the assignment in smaller chunks.  Grouping assignments into smaller chunks is often helpful for kids who have difficulty sticking to a task, have shorter attention spans, or are overly concerned with making sure “everything's right.” Then tell your child to do “one chunk at a time” You can even take a short break after completing each chunk. Gradually you can increase the size of the “work chunks” as your child's confidence increases.

5. Consider a getting a tutor. If you do find homework battles increasing, you are doing most of your child's work or your child is having a difficult time mastering the subject despite your help, consider hiring a tutor. Ask your teacher or other parents for recommendations including even a high school student. The goal of homework should always be to enhance your child's learning abilities and confidence while at the same time preserving the relationship with your child.  For more tips you can read my blog entry on hiring the best tutor.

6. Agree upon specific times for doing homework ahead of time and then stick to it. You may want to even post your agreement in a visible place and then sign it. Many kids need a break after school, while others like to delve right in while things are fresh in their mind. Find your child's best work time and consistently reinforce it. Drawing a clock face that shows the set homework time is helpful for younger children.

Do you have any questions or tips of your own?  Leave a comment below.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Most of us who have had a second child have heard something like this bouncing of the walls at home:

"What did I do to make you want another baby?"
"Will you still have time for me?"
"Do I have to give up my stuff?"
"My friends won't come over when there's a stinking baby in the house!"

While mommy and daddy may be thrilled about a new baby, the sibling-to-be isn't always so excited. After all, they realize they are no longer exclusively yours and their world is suddenly turned upside down. So jealousy, anger, and a bit of resentment are to be expected. Each sibling will respond differently to the change. The most trying times for a new sibling are generally two weeks prior and after the birth of a new sibling and is usually the toughest on kids between 18 months and 3 + years. But have faith, there are things you can do both before and after the birth that help reduce later sibling rivalry and jealousy and help make this transition smoother so your child realizes there's always enough love.

Watch the segment from TODAY Don't just make the big news about the baby.

Make it about the big brother or big sister, too. Your older child will now have a new role in the family. Celebrate that and reference your own family. Do you have an older sister? What did she mean to you? Are you the older sibling? How did you like taking care of your younger sibling?

Be aware of common behavioral changes in the older child, like:

Regression. Acting out, attention getting, bed wetting, baby talk. Don't overreact, punish, or admonish the regression. Instead, validate the child's feelings and help him figure out ways to express them. The behavior typically fades with your reassurance, and is typically caused by too much attention about the baby. Set big changes such as potty training or having the older kid turn over his crib or bedroom, several weeks before the new baby arrives so he won't associate those events with the baby's arrival.

Clinginess. Your child suddenly becomes excessively clingy or won't let you out of sight. Recognize these are signs of insecurity and assure your child of your love.  Make sure the clinginess isn't a fear about the mother's health caused by too much talk about the "hospital" and "doctors" or uncertainty. Discuss this is a "different" kind of hospital that takes care of little babies. Let him know the length of time you'll be there and that he'll be able to visit.

Embarrassment. For some tweens and teens. There's nothing you can do, so don't worry. This is most common for tweens when they figure out "Eww, you and dad did that???" and know their friends are clued in as well. Use it as a life lesson.

Aggression. Too much attention to a new baby can escalate aggression. Most of the time those pokes and throwing a toy on a baby are just ways a younger child hopes the baby will respond. Show him how to be gentle. Explain how helpless the baby is and that he feels pain, too. Encourage your child to tell you when he feels left out or upset. A more impulsive child should be watched carefully with a new baby and never left alone.

Let’s face it, raising teens can sometimes feel like you’re walking through a loaded minefield. Moody. Irritable. Quick-tempered. But let’s get into their shoes. At no other time in their lives will they go through so many physical, emotional and cognitive changes. It’s also exactly why communicating with teens can be so darn touchy.

Research also shows kids today are hitting puberty earlier and dealing with much tougher grown-up issues at far younger ages. Even acne – once thought to be a “teen problem” – is now common for school-age kids. And the skin condition can really pack an emotional punch on our kids, rousing those feelings of anger and frustration as well as significantly impacting their self-esteem. One survey found almost half of adolescents were too embarrassed to go to school because of their acne; one third admitted they were afraid to make friends.

Kids are stressed out enough these days, but when I discovered just how much acne added to kids’ concerns I partnered with Galderma, the maker of Differin acne products, to launch www.mychildsacne.com. Our goal was to provide parents with tips on how to talk about emotionally-charged subjects like acne. Once you open up that conversation, bridging to some of those harder topics – like drinking, sex and drugs – should be a whole lot easier. The Talking Acne with Your Teen E-Guide (which you can download from the site) includes tips to help you bridge communication gaps and stay connected with your teen, and ways to boost his or her self-esteem. It also gives mom the 411 on acne and advice on how to help teens keep their skin healthy for the long term.