What parent doesn't hope their kids achieve and do well in life? But how do you know when you're pushing your kids too much? How do you tell when your expectations are unrealistic or just plain not right for your children? A big secret of good parenting is to know how to set expectations that gently stretch your children's abilities without snapping their spirits. To make sure your expectations are ones that stretch your children's potential without unintentionally zapping their self-worth ask yourself these four questions:

Are my expectations:

1. Developmentally Appropriate. Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I'm requiring or am I pushing him beyond his internal timetable? Learn what's appropriate for your child's age, but still keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. It's always best to start from where your child is.

2. Realistic. Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Be careful of setting too high of standards. Putting your child in situations that are too difficult, puts him in the risk of failing and lowering his feelings of competence.

3. Child Oriented. Is what I'm expecting something my child wants, or is it something I want more for myself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to constantly be wary of setting goals for our kids that are our dreams, and not those of our kids.

4. Success Oriented. Am I sending the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe he's responsible, reliable, and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best, so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves. Is that accelerated class too hard? Is the soccer coach too demanding? Are you too critical of his grades? Is that clique you've encouraged your kid to join too upscale? Talk to your spouse, the teacher, or your best friend to help you score yourself.

If your child is bullied it means that peers are intentionally causing her pain. If this is happening to your child, please know that your son or daughter is not alone. By some estimates, one in seven American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is far more frequent and aggressive than ever before.

While you can't always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. I reviewed hundreds of articles on bullying to find tips to pass onto parents. I also wrote a proposal to end school bullying and violence that became SB1667 and passed into law.

Here are some of those solutions to help your child navigate a vicious social jungle and deal with bullies:

Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school. So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem.

Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.

Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.

If your child has experienced a serious trauma don't overlook the possibility of PTSD

You may have read about the recent Toys R Us shooting in my hometown of Palm Springs. The 911 tapes on the tragedy were released this week. Horror. Sheer horror! Our community is reeling, but now we worry about the children who witnessed absolute terror. Can you imagine? Here's a recap:

It was Black Friday and parents--many with kids in tow--waited long hours for those great toy sales. A mid-morning an argument broke out at our local Toys"R" Us between two young women. Suddenly one women's male companions drew weapons and opened fire in the middle of the store aisles. Within minutes the men lay dead in the aisle. Words can't describe the shock of such an event. A gun battle in the middle of a toy store during the Christmas holidays filled with kids and their parents. But concern is now turning to those terrified children who watched this debacle as they clung to their parents and feared for their lives.

I've spent the last days doing media interviews about how to help children deal with the aftermath of such a trauma. I discovered that many parents assumed that, because their children didn't say anything about shooting or appeared to be handling things "well", there was no need to worry. That perception has me greatly concerned. While I don't want to fuel any anxiety, I do want to alert you: Any child experiencing such trauma is at risk for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has been in the news a lot these days because of our military returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, but PTSD isn't just for adults. Each year over 3 million children are diagnosed with PTSD. Children or adolescents who have experienced a very stressful event could be at risk. The stressful event is one in which someone's life has been threatened or a serious injury has occurred.

Dr. Michele Borba and Dr. Melvin Oatis talk about why kids today are so stressed out, and tips for understanding on how you can help them unwind.

Watch the segment from TODAY


What do you think about this hot-button issue? Leave a comment!

Related Content:

• What really makes teens happy?
• More from Michele Borba about stress
• More from Michele Borba about school
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know.

Halloween always has been at the top of kids' "fun holidays." And why not? Playing dress up, asking for candy and getting it, staying out a bit late and carving pumpkins--it's all the stuff kids love. But there's also the scarier side of October 31 that can take the fun out of that big night and provoke anxiety, especially for little ones.

Watch the segment from TODAY Fears are a normal part of child development, but some kids are a lot more fearful and anxious than others. Halloween sure can bring out the "fear factor" in younger children because of their stage of cognitive development. Younger kids can't yet distinguish between make-believe and reality, so their active imaginations help fuel fears. Everything about Halloween--from eerie eyeballs, sticky hanging cobwebs, to ghosts, goblins and things that go bump into the night--play right into their imaginations. It isn't until around the beginning of school-age when kids start realizing they can handle their fears by working through them, or by using coping strategies Mom and Dad may have taught them.

Fears are a certainly a normal part of childhood, but there are a few mistakes parents can make that can exacerbate the fear. Here are four things to avoid while trick-or-treating (or any other time your child shows a bit of anxiety).

Mistake 1: Trying to use logic to talk the child out of the fear. As trivial or unfounded as a child's worry may seem, the fear feels real to your child and it's causing him or her to feel anxious and afraid. Lecturing, ignoring or trying to use logic with your child will not help.

Mistake 2: Belittling the fear. Telling your child "Don't be silly! There are no ghosts under your bed!" won't make the fear go away. Be clear that you, too, accept even an unrealistic fear producer as real, but you do not believe it will really hurt you.

Mistake 3: Pushing the fear too fast. Pushing the child into the fear (insisting he go into that haunted house or putting his hand into that jar with the eerie eyeballs) can increase the fear factor as well as breakdown your child's trust with you. If you know that Mr. Jones is going to jump out of the bushes and scare the bejeepers out of the kids, then best to avoid that house altogether.

Mistake 4: Overprotecting. Studies find that kids whose parents try to shield them from stressful events wind up more fearful. Protecting too much in childhood produces adults with unusually high portions of panic attacks.[i] So don't be so quick to protect your child from scary Halloween. You may do more harm than good.

The teacher in me always kicks in before the start of a new school year. Though it should be exciting, I often hear moms describe frantic mornings, hectic evenings, and plain bad memories: homework wars, lost library books, last-minute assignments, missed buses, forgotten lunches, late starts, etc.

Back-to-school doesn’t have to be that way—nor should it be. There are simple and practical solutions to those common hot-button back-to-school parenting hassles. Not only will they make the upcoming school year more positive and less stressful for the whole family, but they’ll teach kids to be more responsible (which just happens to be an essential trait of a successful student).

Here are the six "mommy hassles" that happen around back-to-school time and simple solutions to save your sanity!

Watch the segment from TODAY
HASSLE #1: Late Starts & Sleepyheads

Sanity Savers:

• Have children lay out clothes the night before
• Teach your child to set his or her own alarm clock and stick to it.
  

Products to try:

Clocky ($50 at stores like Wal-Mart)
If you've ever had a child have trouble waking up with a regular alarm clock, it's time to meet Clocky: a mobile alarm clock that is guaranteed to get your kids on their feet. It gives you one chance to get up, but if you snooze, Clocky will jump off of your nightstand and wheel around your room looking for a place to hide.

GrooveToons Clock ($50 at Cygnett.com)
Sound the alarm for Cygnett's GrooveToons clock. It works with any generation iPod nano. The speakers pack a punch for the price and will help get a dawdler out of bed.

HASSLE #2: Missing & Lost School Supplies

Sanity Savers:

• Use a closet organizer as a place for school supplies, teacher notes, school notices, or conference schedules.
  
• Place a basket near the door where children can put their notices and school paperwork to be signed.
• Have children pack backpacks before they go to bed and place them near the front door for the morning.
  

Product to try:

Closet Clothing Organizers ($25 at TheOrganizedParent.com)
Hang it near a back door so that each child puts his or her school supplies in one section.

Earlier, I wrote about the troubling epidemic of stressed-out kids and urged us all to look closer at our children. Since each child displays stress a bit differently, the secret is to look for change in your child's normal coping pattern and watch your child carefully to identify his unique stress signs. Here are a few places to start:

(Special Note to Parents: It’s Time to Step Up to the Plate!)

Picture a high school gym where dozens of students lay on foam mats taking deep relaxing breaths to the cadence of their teacher’s voice. The class is Yoga 101 and it is the hot subject being taught from preschool to high school.

Educators are becoming increasingly concerned about how high stress levels affect students' emotional health and their ability to concentrate. They say students today are the most achievement-oriented batch yet. "Generation Stress" (as they’ve been nicknamed) is full of students that strive to be perfect, internalize everything, and don't know how to reduce their stress loads. To address these concerns, educators are offering stress reducers, such as yoga class, to help their students learn coping strategies.

But why are schools taking on the responsibility of teaching stress-reducers? Isn’t that the parents' job? Educators heartily concur, but are also quick to add a sad truth: Too many parents fail to recognize how just overwhelmed their children are.

Find out if your child is stressed.

...or What Parents Can Do During the Holiday Break To Tune in to Their Teen’s Emotional Needs and Prevent a Tragedy

Your teen spent months studying for those SATs, filling out college applications and agonizing. Then came the acceptance letter! So he moves into the dorm, you hug goodbye and drive away assuming that the stress is over and his new life has begun. Right?

(More students are leaving during the second semester of their first year. Parenting expert Michele Borba tells parents how they can help. Watch the video.)

Not according to the latest statistics from university counseling centers. Stress and pressure in teens has reached epidemic levels. In fact, the freshman year dropout rate has reached an all-time high at more than 26 percent (that’s one out of every four students). Plus, four out of ten students report feeling depressed to the point that it was difficult to function.

Depression, stress, and drop-outs peak during the second half of the first year. College counselors are aware of these troubling stats and are making changes on campuses to try to better meet kids’ emotional needs. Meanwhile, thousands of college students are home for the holidays, back to family and friends. And it’s over this holiday break when parents play a critical role in making sure that second semester goes smoother and safer.

Here are seven things you can do: