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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

What parent doesn't hope their kids achieve and do well in life? But how do you know when you're pushing your kids too much? How do you tell when your expectations are unrealistic or just plain not right for your children? A big secret of good parenting is to know how to set expectations that gently stretch your children's abilities without snapping their spirits. To make sure your expectations are ones that stretch your children's potential without unintentionally zapping their self-worth ask yourself these four questions:

Are my expectations:

1. Developmentally Appropriate. Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I'm requiring or am I pushing him beyond his internal timetable? Learn what's appropriate for your child's age, but still keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. It's always best to start from where your child is.

2. Realistic. Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Be careful of setting too high of standards. Putting your child in situations that are too difficult, puts him in the risk of failing and lowering his feelings of competence.

3. Child Oriented. Is what I'm expecting something my child wants, or is it something I want more for myself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to constantly be wary of setting goals for our kids that are our dreams, and not those of our kids.

4. Success Oriented. Am I sending the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe he's responsible, reliable, and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best, so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves. Is that accelerated class too hard? Is the soccer coach too demanding? Are you too critical of his grades? Is that clique you've encouraged your kid to join too upscale? Talk to your spouse, the teacher, or your best friend to help you score yourself.

"Mooooommmm, Jacob's touching me!"
"Can't we give Jennifer away?"
"I hate my brother!"
"Why can't Sara find her own friends?"

Ahhhhhhh the blissful sounds of siblings struggling to get along. Most of us have such visions of our offspring being the world's best buddies, but with kids living under the same roof some bickering is bound to be the outcome. The closer your kids are in age, the more likely the squabbles. While you can't force your kids to like each other, there are ways to fend off some of those battles and some skills you can teach that will minimize jealousies, help them appreciate one another, so they are more apt to get along (and just maybe learn to like each other). Here are a few solutions:

Expect it! Studies show that one third of adults admit to having a rivalous relationship with their sibs. Those squabbles are normal and healthy to a certain extent. Investigations now show that minor sibling tiffs actually help kids learn to handle conflicts and deal with the outside world better.

Tune into your parenting responses. Be honest. Might you be playing favorites or putting too much pressure on one kid or another? Do you: Expect more of one child? Give one kid more attention? Take sides? Encourage rivalry in academics, sports, or popularity by acknowledging one kid over another? Pay equal attention to each child's hobbies, friends, school, and interests? Distribute chores, rewards, and opportunities fairly?

Never compare! Research repeatedly finds that the top reason for sibling rivalry is when parents compare their children. Make this be your sacred vow: Avoid comparisons and emphasize each child's individual strengths instead.

Find time alone for each child. Depending on your schedule, set aside blocks of time when each of your children can have your attention, exclusively. While the other siblings are gone or another adult watches them, take turns taking each of the children on special outings, such as shopping, seeing a movie, or getting ice cream.

Acknowledge cooperation. When you notice your children sharing or playing cooperatively or trying to resolve issues peacefully, let them know you are proud of their behavior. If the children know you appreciate their efforts, they are more inclined to repeat them. "I really appreciate how you two worked things out calmly this time. Good for you." "I noticed how you both made an effort to help each other figure out how to put the DVDs away. Nice job."

Stay neutral. Most research finds that the more involved you get in those tiffs, the more likely the sibling rivalry. Siblings need to learn how to work problems out on their own. So intervene when emotions are high, before an argument escalates. If the conflict does get heated, stay neutral and make suggestions only when your kids seem stuck.

Let each kid tell the story. In the case of hurt feelings or a battle, ask each kid to take turns explaining what happened. Doing so helps each child (especially a younger or less verbal one) feel they have been heard. No interrupting is allowed, and everyone gets a turn. You might need to set a timer for "equal talking time." When the sibling is finished, briefly restate her view to show you do understand.

Teach kids problem solving skills. Do teach your kids simple ways to solve their problems. Some of the best are "oldie but goodie" techniques that reduce squabbles such as: rock, paper, scissors; drawing straws, tossing a coin, oven timers ("You can use it until the timer goes off, then it's my turn"), tossing a dice ("Highest number chooses first"). They are great sanity savers for now, but also teach beginning negotiation skills our kids will need for later.

Start family meetings. Don't let animosity build up amongst siblings. It only lead to more conflicts and resentment. Instead, provide the opportunity for each child to be able to express their feelings and concerns and work through issues considered unfair such as in Family meetings. Some families set up a "Concern Box" where kids can request a "mediation" with the family member and parent present to help them work things out.

The secret is to find a way for kids to vent their feelings in a healthy way and not let them build into rivalry.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

If your child is bullied it means that peers are intentionally causing her pain. If this is happening to your child, please know that your son or daughter is not alone. By some estimates, one in seven American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is far more frequent and aggressive than ever before.

While you can't always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. I reviewed hundreds of articles on bullying to find tips to pass onto parents. I also wrote a proposal to end school bullying and violence that became SB1667 and passed into law.

Here are some of those solutions to help your child navigate a vicious social jungle and deal with bullies:

Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school. So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem.

Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.

Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.

Kate Gosselin of the infamous Jon & Kate Plus 8 was photographed spanking her child. Oh my! I know this is probably "old news"--every media outlet from here to Cape Town probably covered it, but with all the flurry that Kate herself succumbed to that ancient parenting tool, my email box is suddenly loaded with "spanking" queries. It seems good 'ol Mommy Guilt is alive and churning in the U.S.A.

Well, "why not spank?" you wonder. It's quick, it's familiar (at least to parents who were themselves spanked as children) and it usually gets kids to stop the offending behavior-at least temporarily. And data shows 70% of Americans do spank. So let's get two things straight: First, a swat or two is not going to psychologically damage your kid for life. Nor will a spank cause your little munchkin to become the next Hannibal Lecter. Relax.

The key question is whether spanking is really the best discipline method. And here's the research every parents should know: In June 27, 2002 The Associated Press released Columbia University's analysis of six decades of research on corporal punishment. Results linked spanking to ten negative behaviors including aggression, anti-social behavior and mental health problems. Although many parents are unaware of it, continual spanking can have long-term negative effects. Plus it doesn't work that well in stopping bad behaviors. Really. Honest.

Here are ten reasons I'd advise you to consider using another discipline technique other than spanking to curb your kids' bad attitudes or troublesome behaviors:

1. Spanking stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kid doesn't know how to act differently.

2. Spanking teaches the child not how to act right, but how not to get caught when the parent is around. He becomes a champion in manipulation.

3. The child is much more likely to remember the punishment than why he was punished. He behaves out of fear instead of because he wants to act right.

4. It teaches that hitting solves problems. Kids must learn acceptable, nonviolent alternatives to solve problems.

5. Spanking teaches children to behave through "external control" (the punishment). It does not teach kids self-control-or "internal control."

6. Spanking sends a huge mixed message: "It's fine for adults to hit, but not kids."

7. Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.

8. Spanking squelches empathy. Empathy-being considerate to another's needs and feelings-is the cornerstone of moral growth. Studies find that children's empathy is diminished when their parents control their kids through anger.

9. Spanking exposes children to violence. Learning comes through example. Spanking is an aggressive act, showing children their parents acting in an out-of-control manner.

10. Spanking doesn't teach new behavior.  Spanking teaches not how to behave right, but how to shout, hit, manipulate, and control others through fear. It also fails to teach a critical discipline lesson: "So why should I behave?"

There are many ways to effectively discipline children without resorting to corporal punishment. Withhold privileges, grounding, assign extra chores, require restitute or use time-out are a few options. The important thing is to set the consequence ahead of time, make it fit the crime, and then carry through with it every time your child misbehaves.

The goal of all discipline is to teach your child to take responsibility for his choices-it's part of helping him grow into a healthy, self-reliant and decent human being.


Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Excessive clinginess is a common phase in a child's early years. It usually starts around 8 or 9 months, peaks at 18 months, and then usually becomes less and less intense, ending around 2 years of age. It is also common around preschool age (the first separation from home) but sometimes is even present in young adolescents in certain anxiety-provoking situations. Though common, it still can be quite unsettling for a parent.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Each child handles stress differently, so the causes of clinginess will be different for each child. A parent's job is to play detective and figure out what's causing clinginess. Typical causes include:

• Unsettling or traumatic experience: Bullying, hospitalization, fear of failure, death or illness of a parent, divorce, natural disaster, attachment gone awry


• Sudden transition: Moving, arrival of a new sibling


• A distressing separation: Long separations from a parent, threats of abandonment ("I will leave you if you don't come along.")


• Temperament: Some kids are more like tumbleweeds and roll with the punches; others are like orchids, more sensitive, less adaptable and more tightly strung. Twenty percent of 4-month-olds have a biological "nudge" in the direction of increased fearfulness and are a slower-to-warm child.

Typically a younger child will cling more towards their primary caregiver, which is normally mom, and can be quite unsettling for the other parent - usually dad. It's why it is helpful to understand child development and know that such behavior is normal and will pass.

And the Best Parenting Strategies to Help Your Kid Deal With Each Crucial Milestone

Think life changes are just for adults? Think again. There are seven critical milestones kids go through as well that are considered "Major Childhood Moments" because they are so instrumental in our children's development. We just may not realize how important they are, and in some cases just how much stress they can cause our kids. A big part of parenting is guiding our kids through each life change so they can learn and grow from the experience. After all, childhood is really one big preparation for the real world.

Watch the segment from TODAY So here are the 7 Big Life Changes for Kids and best parenting strategies for each crucial milestone to help your child.

Life Change 1: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Key Childhood Emotion: Separation Anxiety

Let's face it. Having our kids go off to school for the first time is a tough parent moment. We realize our babies are no more and that umbilical cord has been severed. Of course each child is different, but saying goodbye can be a frightening experience for a child as well. It's adjusting to a new place, someone else's rules, worrying about using the bathroom, and getting along with other kids. It's natural for your child to feel a little anxious. Adjustment may take from a day to several weeks, so be patient and check in with the teacher. This experience really starts kids on the path towards independence and helps shape their ability to cope and handle life without us. It's all why the first day of school is considered the first big life change for kids.

Best Parenting Strategy: For a few weeks prior to the sendoff have him stay with a babysitter, grandparent or friend a little more than usual and create a private "goodbye" like a secret handshake or kiss. Take him for a school visit, but don't overhype it! On the actual sendoff day, stay positive and calm. Your child reacts to your cues. Start him on an activity like a puzzle or help him find a familiar face. Put a special pebble or keychain with your photo in his pocket and explain when he touches it it means you're thinking of him. Or give him a watch to wear and mark with a marking pen the exact time you'll pick him up. Keep goodbyes short and use that secret "goodbye" ritual, but don't linger! (It just increases anxiety). And be sure to pick him up when you said. If he cries when you pick him up take it as a compliment! It usually means he's delighted to see you, not that he hates school.

Life Change 2: FIRST FAILURE
Key Childhood Emotion: Dejection

Around the age of 6 or 7 kids begin to measure themselves in relation to other peers and discover they may not be as good (a soccer player, speller, runner, reader) as others. This is also the age when peer humiliation (along with disappointing a parent) become childhood fears, so failing in front of pals can be a huge ego blow. But failure is also a blessing in disguise and an important kid milestone. It's from those failures that kids learn how to deal with setbacks, and those experiences can actually increase their resilience, coping skills and self-esteem. Far too many kids don't realize that successful people don't let setbacks derail them: they just find new routes to success.

Best Parenting Strategy: Teach your child that mistakes are how we learn, and give your child permission to make them. When you make a mistake, tell your child not only what your mistake was but also what you learned from it. ("My mistake was...I learned...and next time I'll....") And from this moment on when your child errs, be accepting but offer support only when needed. If you always rescue your child from a mistake you rob your child from figuring out the problem alone and the confidence to try the next time.

Life Change 3: FIRST NIGHT AWAY FROM HOME
Key Childhood Emotion: Homesickness

Whether it's your child's first sleepover, weekend with Grandma or that summer camp experience, kids are bound to miss something about home-sweet-home. For many kids the idea of spending time away from everything that's familiar is scary and those pangs of homesickness can range from mild to almost debilitating. But a first night away is a milestone that prepares kids for eventually moving away and living on their own.

Best Parenting Strategy: There is no magic age when a child is ready to be away from home but three good tests are:

1. Can she sleep in her own bed through the night?
2. Does she have any problems separating from you?
3. Does she want to do this?

Research shows what parents say beforehand to their kids makes a big difference on the intensity of homesickness so keep any of your concerns to yourself.

The Children's Society, a charitable group in the UK dedicated to improving childhood, released scathing survey results this week that are none too flattering: A whopping 89% of adults feel that today's youth are far more materialistic and consumer-driven at much younger ages than previous generations. That survey also finds that kids most influenced by commercial pressures suffer more mental-health problems.

Of course raising kids in such a materialistic world with advertisers taunting children to buy-buy-buy doesn't make matters easier. But let's face it, the biggest reason our kids are so darn materialistic is because we've allowed it. (Most of us anyway). We've obliged their every whim, bought them only the best name brands, and tried motivating them to “do good” by rewarding them with possessions. What's more, we aren't doing our kids any justice.

The good news is that the latest research from several universities shows there are ways to deprogram your child's materialistic streak. Using those parenting strategies will help your kid be more appreciative of those non-material everyday wonders of life, boost his self-esteem, emotional well-being and actually make him happier and more content. Best yet, you'll save yourself money and kiss away any guilt you've ever had for saying "no" to your kids. Get ready!

Watch the segment from TODAY

“Spoiled! Not my kid!” Right?

Or would you admit that your child is just a tad bit spoiled? All the polls say that most Americans feel kids today are more spoiled than ever. A TIME/CNN poll found that two out of three parents feel their kids are spoiled.
A poll by the New American Dream showed 70 percent of parents believe kids are too focused on buying things.

I have to say I agree with the polls.

(Parenting expert Michele Borba tells TODAY's Natalie Morales what parents can do to end those temper tantrums. Watch the video.)

Of course we love our kids and want the best for them. We don't want to see them unhappy for a single second. But indulging their every little whim doesn't do our kids any favors. In fact, there are a few dangers to overindulging kids:

They won't win popularity contests. Forget the birthday party invitations. Spoiled kids are not pleasant to be around. Other children don't like them because they're too bossy and selfish. Adults don't like them because they're often rude and demanding.

They have reduced perseverance. Because everything comes a bit easier, a spoiled child has a tougher time handling the downsides of life. They're used to getting their way ASAP so they not only may have reduced perseverance when it comes to schoolwork, but also a tougher time handling adversity.

They have lower self-esteem. New research shows that always getting what you want leads to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, more psychosomatic complaints, and worse relationships with parents.You're in danger of getting an always-unsatisfied kid who always wants more.

They may lack character. Watch out. Spoiled kids often measure their worth based on what they have instead of who they are.

The truth is there is no gene for spoiled. We have ourselves to blame for this one -- it's clearly a learned behavior. But how do you know if your kid is spoiled? Here is my four-word test...