Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

How can I motivate my 17 year old daughter to get a job? She makes half-hearted attempts to find something, and then plenty of excuses why she can't find one. I need help getting her off the couch and into the workforce. -Get A Job


You've hit on the essential parenting query that goes beyond just helping your kid get a job. This is really about "How do you motivate my kid?" And that's a great question because it will impact ever aspect of her life.

There are two kinds of motivation: Outside-In Motivation and Inside-Out Motivation. Your first parenting task is to determine your child's motivation source, then you can create a plan to help her get that job. So think of your daughter and how she handles most aspects of her life. Which of these is most like her?

Outside-in Motivation: Is when the parent pushes the child to do the work, arranging the interviews, circling the want ads, and praising the kid when she makes any attempt or gets that job. The problem here is that the kid ends up relying on the parent to do, push, arrange, praise and basically rescue. The danger is that the child never develops an "I did it!" attitude. After all, somebody else is always going to do, solve, rescue, create, finish for her.

Inside-out Motivation: Is when the child is self-motivated to look through those want-ads, make those phone calls, and develop a job check list. The child's motivation comes from the inside and the parent needs only to stand to the side. This type of motivation evolves over time but you can see remnants way back when your kid did homework in grade school or practiced violin without being asked. An inside-out kid doesn't need mom or dad to praise, push or encourage because she has developed skills such as goal-setting, time management, and prioritizing to go alone.

I'm gathering from your query that "Inside-Out" isn't the best descriptor of your child. If so, don't despair. This can be turned around. In fact, I'm convinced one of our most important parenting tasks is cultivating "inside-out" motivation. Though not easy, it has to be done if our kids are going to survive without us someday, and especially in these tough economic times. You're helping prepare your child for life and is one skill all our kids need.

I'm sure you've read those dismal reports about job insecurities: The U.S. unemployment rate is now at the highest level since 1993. In fact, more jobs were lost in 2008 than in any year since the end of World War II. We are stressed and worried and rightly so, but so too are our kids.

I've received a number of email queries lately from parents asking for guidance. Today's tough financial times are forcing many parents to answer very tough questions from their children.

"Why did you lose your job? Will we be able to eat out? What will I tell my friends? Will we still be able stay in our house? How can I go to college if you don't have a job?"

Parents tell me they are trying to avoid those heart-wrenching questions. They just can't face telling their kids they lost their job, may have to give up their house or can't go to college.

But keeping kids in the dark about something so serious as a job layoff is a huge mistake. First, children come equipped with built-in radar and notice those hushed conversations and pick up on your tension. They may even feel they somehow caused your stress. And hearing such an immensely personal family problem from anyone other than you is plain unfair and could well break down the trust between you and your child. Believe me, your children are far better off hearing this news straight from your mouth. Regardless of how difficult this is, the truth must be told.

These are tough times for us all, but they can be especially hard if you have kids.  After all, a big part of parenting is about wanting our children to be happy and shielding them from the more painful parts of life. So when our child’s face crumbles because we can’t afford their birthday party, it’s hard. When our kids tear up because we have to say "no" to the sports gear, instrument or shoes they wanted, it’s tough. But when you lose your job, car, home, savings, or your child’s college education, it’s heart breaking because you know that your kids’ lives will change, too.

This financial crisis will affect each family a bit differently, but the key concern is: How will these tough times affect our kids? And for that we need to look at research:

Rond Conger, a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis and others conducted a 20 year study of 450[i] families with school-age kids hit hard by the severe Farm Belt Recession in 1980. They found that the emotional affects of financial woes on children can be considerable triggering depression, anxiety, adjustment problems and poorer peer relationships in the kids. But the researchers also found one critical nugget:

The parents’ constant conflicts, irritability and hostile exchanges over money matters was what greatly increased the likelihood of their children's emotional and behavior problems.[ii] The parents’ constant stress over their money matters also reduced their parenting abilities so the kids’ problems remained with them through adulthood.

There is an important parenting secret here: Recognize that how you act and what you say these next days, weeks or even months can affect your children’s emotional well-being not only now but long-term. While you may not be able to save your job or house, there are ways to help your family get through these tough times.

Here are my 10 Secrets to help your children handle this financial crisis:

Back to school this year is especially tough because many budgets may be feeling squeezed. But we still want to get our kids what they need and the fun, fashionable supplies they want. As an educator and a mom of three, I think back-to-school shopping is a great time to teach your child how to be a smart spender. Here are 10 ways to do that last-minute school shopping so that everyone ends up in a win-win situation.

1. Make a shopping list. Involve your kids in developing their own shopping lists. Start by having your kid list his or her teacher’s required school supplies. (If you haven’t received “the list,” check the school’s website.)

2. Create a realistic budget. Set a budget that works for your family and share that with your child. Establish wants versus needs. Give your young child a few index cards. He or she can cut a few desired items from ads, and glue them onto the cards. Now, each kid takes his or her list when you head to the store.

3. Do one-store shopping. Choose only one store to shop. It’s not so overwhelming for you going store to store, you’ll use less gas in the process, and you'll cut back on kid bickering. I’m partial to Office Depot because things are affordable and it has everything needed for the little kids who need backpacks, crayons and glue, as well as the teens who need technology.