Did you know that almost one third of American kids and teens are considered either overweight or obese? We've read all the warnings that the long-term consequences of obesity are very serious. Not only does that child have much higher likelihood of having a hypertension, stroke, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, asthma, and sleep apnea, but he also faces higher rates of peer rejection, low self-esteem, and depression.

Of course we know that we need to help that child lose weight and eat healthier, but what is a parent to do if only one child in the family is overweight? Do you single out just the overweight child or put everyone on a diet? How do you handle the inevitable sibling resentment ("Why does she get to have a soda and I can't"?) Do you serve the overweight kid carrots while the other gets Twinkies? Those are the questions I was asked by a mother of two tween-aged daughters: One thin and the other overweight. The "overweight issue" was causing family life to no longer feel like Home Sweet Home.

Here are the parenting solutions I shared to help this family not only one member shed weight but bring them closer together:

1. Start teaching healthier habits now. Young girls are more likely to become overweight in the ages of 9 to 12 than in their teens so the best time to focus on healthy eating habits is sooner than later. These are also the years to help children develop more sensible eating habits, becoming involved in learning how to choose food wisely, get adequate exercise so they learn lifelong habits. Don't wait!

2. Boost self-esteem. Your role is not only to help an overweight child control her weight and learn healthier eating habits, but also help her feel accepted and loved for who she is and not for the size you hope she becomes. Don't overlook the possibility that there may be an emotional trigger to your child's overeating--a distressing issue or a need for attention.

3. Don't nag about weight! Studies show that for both genders, being encouraged to diet by a parent roughly triples the likelihood of the child still overweight five years later. So switch your focus from calories, diet, or dress size to food choices, eating habits and exercise.

4. Don't compare. A key parenting commandment is: "Thou shall not compare." Doing so only increases sibling resentment especially when it comes to dress size and weight.

5. Find each child's unique strength. Any family with more than one kid is bound to have one who excels over the other be it in sports, school, music, the friendship arena, etc. The trick is to find a legitimate and unique strength for each sibling so each has a chance to shine.

6. Hide that scale. Constant emphasis on weight only boosts sibling rivalry and will backfire. A study of more than 2000 teens, who weighed themselves frequently, found that instead of losing weight, they gained nearly twice as much as those kids who didn't weigh in.

7. Aim for more relaxed family meals. Halting the talk about food actually helps kids eat more vegetables and develop more positive attitudes about food. And it makes for happier family memories. So focus on family members around the dining table and not on food.

8. Change your entire family's eating habits. Change is more likely if the whole family eats the same healthy foods. So switch your emphasis from "calories" to a "healthier life style." Start by trashing the junk food and stocking the fridge with healthier foods. Limit fast-food intake as a family. Involve your kids in meal planning.

9. Get active as a family! One study found that overweight kids who lost weight were successful because they participated in vigorous physical activity. So find an active hobby you can do together as a family. A mother-daughter exercise club, buy pedometers for family walks, or try an exer-gaming system. Research finds that activity-oriented video games that require kids to walk on a treadmill while dancing, kicking and dodging triples the energy expenditure of mildly obese kids.

10. Limit TV time. One study found that the single most influential factor that helps kids lose weight is reduced TV viewing time.

The Key Parenting Solution: Research finds that the most effective weight loss problems involve the whole family in diet change, developing an exercise plan and setting more realistic goals. The trick is to learn the new habits together instead of singling out the overweight member. The result: less sibling resentment, better family memories and a great likelihood of adopting healthy eating habits that will last a lifetime. Not only will it help your kid grow to be healthier, but also happier, emotionally healthier and even do better in school. So what are you waiting for?


Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

I'm sure your reaction to the death of former heavyweight world champion Mike Tyson's four-year old daughter was the same as mine: just profound sadness. But for her seven-year-old brother to find his little sister with an exercise cord from the treadmill wrapped around her neck is absolutely horrific! We know that the death of a loved one is one of the most stressful events that a youngster can ever face, and even more so when it's a violent death.

Late-breaking research reveals that certain parenting techniques will help youngsters deal with profound loss as well as regain hope for their future. How parents respond can have a powerful impact on the child's emotional health and life outlook. Here are some suggestions for the Tyson family, with points every parent should consider if someone especially close to your child dies.

Give permission to grieve. Let your child know that his emotions are normal. Accept his regressions or emotional outbursts. Agree that losing a loved one is not fair. Affirm that crying and sadness or any other emotion are all part of grieving and that it may take some time for him to feel happy or like his old self again.

Don't hide your feelings. It's okay to show sadness, shock, and anger and express how you feel. Shed your tears but remember that your child is also looking to you to help guide him through the process. You might also share your memories with pictures[i] and stories about the loved one. Research shows that doing this can help reduce your child's sense of isolation.

Be supportive. Don't assume your child can deal with grief without help and support. Be lavish with your hugs and your love. This is a tough time for both of you. Let your child know that you're available for anything he needs.

Encourage expressive experiences. Many kids have trouble verbalizing their feelings about death and loss. Think about providing an outlet for your child that helps her express her grief. Younger children might draw or paint their intense feelings; older children may wish to write their feelings in a diary, journal or notebook or even compose a letter to the deceased expressing things she never got to say.

Suggest positive outlets for the grief. Some families help their child start a memorial fund or activity to honor their loved one. Others find some kind of healthy physical activity that your child can do to work off tension and sadness: bike ride, jog, do yoga, shoot baskets, visit a friend or have a friend over to play.

Keep to normal routines whenever possible. Routines and rituals, especially during times of trauma, create security for children. Whenever possible keep some semblance of the child's normal schedule intact (bedtime, evening meals, etc.).

Pass on your religious or cultural customs. Whether your custom is to light a candle, say a rosary, sit on a hard stool to receive mourning visitors' condolences, offer special prayers, or go to a religious service, teach them to your child and do them together. Doing this can be comforting - and a way to help your child learn a lifelong coping strategy.

Monitor your child closely. Watch her to ensure that there is a gradual diminishment of grief. An absence of grief after only a short time probably isn't authentic or healthy. And if some form of the grief continues to affect her daily life or if the child has trouble eating, concentrating, sleeping, or appears depressed, please seek the help of a mental health professional. Also note that some symptoms of grief can continue or re-emerge after many weeks and even months.

Take care of yourself. Your child needs you or some other adult to help guide him through the process. If the deceased was close to you -- your spouse, child or parent -- you may wish to consider seeking counseling for yourself. You don't want your child to worry about you as well.

My thoughts and prayers go to the Tyson family.


Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Without Scaring the Pants Off of Them

Every time I read the news I come away with a different account of the swine flu and whether or not all of humanity is doomed. Last week I was ready to duct-tape my house from incoming germs and buy cases of protective masks. Then NBC's Brian Williams announced that we could take those initial doom-and-gloom reports down a notch or two. The flu strain isn't nearly as fatal or severe as those first late-breaking news reports warned. Schools are reopening and those kids (at least in my area) who were affected are recovering. We can breathe a bit easier, but there's still concerning news: though milder, this flu strain is clearly spreading rapidly and is now tagged as the "disease of young people."

Meanwhile our kids' worry radars are up -- and rightly so. Hearing about a "pandemic of far-reaching proportions that could potentially impact all humanity" is alarming enough to a kid, but when they hear those reports on the playground without a reassuring adult perspective, it can be downright terrifying. Then they turn on the news just in time to see fancy maps with color-coded states indicating that the "strain is rapidly moving at an epidemic level." When reports come in about "invisible germs mutating from animal to human" -- well, there's the making of a Stephen King novel and a kid's worse nightmare.

This is why we need to talk to our kids about the swine flu - not only to reassure them, but also to be sure they hear the right facts. But there's another plus: we can use our talks to teach our kids habits that will keep them healthier now, and for a lifetime.