I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along, but I feel as though my boyfriend doesn't have the same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son--especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. He can not color, can not read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the TV he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying.

My son is a good kid, he doesn't misbehave, doesn't have fights in school, he doesn't talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesn't focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is: Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe a little and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.

-Jessica Diaz

I read your note and I am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severely damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.

Your boyfriend is threatening your child ("I will hit you."). The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week--and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)

Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple"--it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "forgive and forget." The parent and child relationship remains intact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that's fair and reasonable.

PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being.

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Kate Gosselin of the infamous Jon & Kate Plus 8 was photographed spanking her child. Oh my! I know this is probably "old news"--every media outlet from here to Cape Town probably covered it, but with all the flurry that Kate herself succumbed to that ancient parenting tool, my email box is suddenly loaded with "spanking" queries. It seems good 'ol Mommy Guilt is alive and churning in the U.S.A.

Well, "why not spank?" you wonder. It's quick, it's familiar (at least to parents who were themselves spanked as children) and it usually gets kids to stop the offending behavior-at least temporarily. And data shows 70% of Americans do spank. So let's get two things straight: First, a swat or two is not going to psychologically damage your kid for life. Nor will a spank cause your little munchkin to become the next Hannibal Lecter. Relax.

The key question is whether spanking is really the best discipline method. And here's the research every parents should know: In June 27, 2002 The Associated Press released Columbia University's analysis of six decades of research on corporal punishment. Results linked spanking to ten negative behaviors including aggression, anti-social behavior and mental health problems. Although many parents are unaware of it, continual spanking can have long-term negative effects. Plus it doesn't work that well in stopping bad behaviors. Really. Honest.

Here are ten reasons I'd advise you to consider using another discipline technique other than spanking to curb your kids' bad attitudes or troublesome behaviors:

1. Spanking stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kid doesn't know how to act differently.

2. Spanking teaches the child not how to act right, but how not to get caught when the parent is around. He becomes a champion in manipulation.

3. The child is much more likely to remember the punishment than why he was punished. He behaves out of fear instead of because he wants to act right.

4. It teaches that hitting solves problems. Kids must learn acceptable, nonviolent alternatives to solve problems.

5. Spanking teaches children to behave through "external control" (the punishment). It does not teach kids self-control-or "internal control."

6. Spanking sends a huge mixed message: "It's fine for adults to hit, but not kids."

7. Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.

8. Spanking squelches empathy. Empathy-being considerate to another's needs and feelings-is the cornerstone of moral growth. Studies find that children's empathy is diminished when their parents control their kids through anger.

9. Spanking exposes children to violence. Learning comes through example. Spanking is an aggressive act, showing children their parents acting in an out-of-control manner.

10. Spanking doesn't teach new behavior.  Spanking teaches not how to behave right, but how to shout, hit, manipulate, and control others through fear. It also fails to teach a critical discipline lesson: "So why should I behave?"

There are many ways to effectively discipline children without resorting to corporal punishment. Withhold privileges, grounding, assign extra chores, require restitute or use time-out are a few options. The important thing is to set the consequence ahead of time, make it fit the crime, and then carry through with it every time your child misbehaves.

The goal of all discipline is to teach your child to take responsibility for his choices-it's part of helping him grow into a healthy, self-reliant and decent human being.


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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

The most common questions I am asked by parents regards discipline include, "What's the best way to change my child's behavior?" "Why does he keep misbehaving?" and "How harsh do you have to be?"

While I will keep answering the individual questions you post, I want to also give you a list of 10 behavior principles. Here is your crash course in Behavior Makeovers 101 from one of my books, No More Misbehavin'. I hope they help.  If you have a question of your own please click here and leave a comment and it may be answered right here on my blog.

10 Behavior Principles Parents Need To Know

Most behaviors...

1. Are learned. Some behaviors may be influenced by biological factors, but most are learned. For instance, the shy kid can learn social skills to become more confident in groups; the aggressive kid can learn anger management skills; the impulsive kid can learn skills and techniques to stop and think before he acts.


2. Can be changed. Most behaviors can be changed by using proven research-based techniques.


3. Need intervention. Don't expect your kid to change on his own. His behavior will most likely only get worse without your intervention. Also, don't think poor behavior is “just a fad that he'll outgrow.” You're just providing more time for your kid's bad behavior to become a habit. And then it will be even tougher to change.


4. Take time to change. Behavior change takes time. Don't think your thirty-minute Saturday night lecture to make more than a dent in your kid's behavior on Sunday. Give you and your kid time. Remember, new behavior habits generally take a minimum of 21-days of repetition.


5. Require commitment. Long-term commitment is necessary for any meaningful and permanent change. There's no getting around it: parenting is tough work.


6. Must have a substitute. No behavior will change permanently unless you teach your kid another behavior to replace it. Think about it: if you tell your kid to stop doing one behavior, what will he do instead? Without a substitute behavior, chances are he'll revert to using the old misbehavior.


7. Require a good example. Behaviors are learned best by seeing it done right. So make sure your behaviors or examples you provide are ones that you want your kid to emulate. I call that the “Boomerang Effect”: what you throw out to your kid is like a boomerang that comes back to hit you in the face.


8. Demand practice. Behavior change requires practice. You'd never tell a kid to go out to throw a pass at a game by just handing him a football when the game is just starting. You would first have helped him practice for weeks before that. The same is true for learning any new behavior, so practice, practice, practice until he can do the new behavior on his own.


9. Benefit from encouragement. Encourage every step along the way. The willingness to try, the first efforts and small successes, the recoveries from setbacks to the maximum amount of improvement. Behavior change is hard and deserves to be encouraged, acknowledged and celebrated.


10. Are never too late to change. Even if the problem has been going on a long time, don't despair. Help is on the way.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

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