Now is exactly when you should talk to your kid about alcohol. In fact, the earlier the better. And here's why. Kids are having their first drink three-and-a-half years earlier than kids from the baby-boomer generation. Seven percent of fourth graders and more than 8 percent of fifth graders have drunk beer, liquor, or wine coolers in the past year; and 27 percent of sixth graders have used alcohol at least once this past year. One-out-of-six eighth graders are current drinkers. Some reports say that girls are binge drinking as frequently (or even more) as boys.52 Kids form beliefs about alcohol very early in life, even before they start elementary school.Parents also have far more influence on their children's attitudes when the kids are young. Children nine or under generally perceive drinking as negative, but around thirteen their views change and become more positive.

What should you do when your child doesn't like his teacher? Should you call the principal or sit in on the class? Or should you brush it off as a normal childhood grievance and move on? Here are the steps to take to help you navigate this tricky teacher trouble:

 

I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along, but I feel as though my boyfriend doesn't have the same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son--especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. He can not color, can not read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the TV he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying.

My son is a good kid, he doesn't misbehave, doesn't have fights in school, he doesn't talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesn't focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is: Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe a little and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.

-Jessica Diaz

I read your note and I am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severely damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.

Your boyfriend is threatening your child ("I will hit you."). The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week--and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)

Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple"--it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "forgive and forget." The parent and child relationship remains intact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that's fair and reasonable.

PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

"Why should I bother? You know they won't choose me."
"What's the point? I'll never make the team."
"Why are you making me go? You know I won't have fun."

Let's face it: Kids with pessimistic attitudes are among the most frustrating breeds. They give up easily, believe anything they do won't make a difference, and assume they won't succeed. Sadly, they rarely see the wonderful things in life. They dwell instead on the negative, bad parts, and often find only the inadequacies in themselves: "I'm so dumb, why study?" "Nobody's going to like me, why bother?" (The trend is increasing: a child today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century.) So what's a parent to do?

First, do know that I empathize if you have one of these little critters. I know this is troubling stuff, and at times even heartbreaking. After all, the hardest parts of being a parent are the times when your child isn't happy. But there is one point you must keep in mind: Kids are not born pessimistic. Research shows a large part of this attitude is learned along the way. So take heart: research at Penn State University concludes that parents can help their kids become more optimistic. Doing so will dramatically increase the likelihood of your son or daughter's long-term happiness. So roll up your sleeves, and let's get started. Here are secrets that will make a real difference in your child's life, from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

I don't know about you, but I'm suffering from a bad case of only what I can call "Shudder Syndrome", and it seems to be worsening. It's a relatively new ailment, but it always materializes when I read those disturbing statistics about young girls. I'm sure you know the ones about anorexia, depression, cutting, date rape, binge drinking, aggression, and bulimia. The list goes on and on. The minute I hear one, my ailment flares up: it always starts with a bad feeling deep down, and then my whole body just shudders. There has to be other parents like me who are shaking with worry. And I'm the mom of three boys! I can only imagine your symptoms if you're raising daughters. This is scary stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that our girls are doomed. And certainly boys have their own share of problems as well. I'm just saying we need to keep a closer eye on those trends and realize leading experts are concerned about the young female gender (and with quite valid reasons). We are seeing a rise in depression, eating disorders and low self-esteem. Most experts agree that it's due to continual negative messages that happiness comes from the outside (being a particular dress size, wearing designer labels, or getting liposuction or breast implants (I kid you not. The increase of plastic surgery among young women is frightening!) Robbed is that great notion that real happiness comes from the inside.

So how do we counter those constant negative media continually bombard our girls? How do we help young girls realize that there are other ways to be happy than by being rich, famous, or pencil-thin? What are ways for parents to help their daughters learn to feel comfortable in their own skin without having to copy "the look" of this week's Hollywood idol? And just how do we turn these troubling trends around and help our girls grow to be strong, confident and happy?

"Mooooommmm, Jacob's touching me!"
"Can't we give Jennifer away?"
"I hate my brother!"
"Why can't Sara find her own friends?"

Ahhhhhhh the blissful sounds of siblings struggling to get along. Most of us have such visions of our offspring being the world's best buddies, but with kids living under the same roof some bickering is bound to be the outcome. The closer your kids are in age, the more likely the squabbles. While you can't force your kids to like each other, there are ways to fend off some of those battles and some skills you can teach that will minimize jealousies, help them appreciate one another, so they are more apt to get along (and just maybe learn to like each other). Here are a few solutions:

Expect it! Studies show that one third of adults admit to having a rivalous relationship with their sibs. Those squabbles are normal and healthy to a certain extent. Investigations now show that minor sibling tiffs actually help kids learn to handle conflicts and deal with the outside world better.

Tune into your parenting responses. Be honest. Might you be playing favorites or putting too much pressure on one kid or another? Do you: Expect more of one child? Give one kid more attention? Take sides? Encourage rivalry in academics, sports, or popularity by acknowledging one kid over another? Pay equal attention to each child's hobbies, friends, school, and interests? Distribute chores, rewards, and opportunities fairly?

Never compare! Research repeatedly finds that the top reason for sibling rivalry is when parents compare their children. Make this be your sacred vow: Avoid comparisons and emphasize each child's individual strengths instead.

Find time alone for each child. Depending on your schedule, set aside blocks of time when each of your children can have your attention, exclusively. While the other siblings are gone or another adult watches them, take turns taking each of the children on special outings, such as shopping, seeing a movie, or getting ice cream.

Acknowledge cooperation. When you notice your children sharing or playing cooperatively or trying to resolve issues peacefully, let them know you are proud of their behavior. If the children know you appreciate their efforts, they are more inclined to repeat them. "I really appreciate how you two worked things out calmly this time. Good for you." "I noticed how you both made an effort to help each other figure out how to put the DVDs away. Nice job."

Stay neutral. Most research finds that the more involved you get in those tiffs, the more likely the sibling rivalry. Siblings need to learn how to work problems out on their own. So intervene when emotions are high, before an argument escalates. If the conflict does get heated, stay neutral and make suggestions only when your kids seem stuck.

Let each kid tell the story. In the case of hurt feelings or a battle, ask each kid to take turns explaining what happened. Doing so helps each child (especially a younger or less verbal one) feel they have been heard. No interrupting is allowed, and everyone gets a turn. You might need to set a timer for "equal talking time." When the sibling is finished, briefly restate her view to show you do understand.

Teach kids problem solving skills. Do teach your kids simple ways to solve their problems. Some of the best are "oldie but goodie" techniques that reduce squabbles such as: rock, paper, scissors; drawing straws, tossing a coin, oven timers ("You can use it until the timer goes off, then it's my turn"), tossing a dice ("Highest number chooses first"). They are great sanity savers for now, but also teach beginning negotiation skills our kids will need for later.

Start family meetings. Don't let animosity build up amongst siblings. It only lead to more conflicts and resentment. Instead, provide the opportunity for each child to be able to express their feelings and concerns and work through issues considered unfair such as in Family meetings. Some families set up a "Concern Box" where kids can request a "mediation" with the family member and parent present to help them work things out.

The secret is to find a way for kids to vent their feelings in a healthy way and not let them build into rivalry.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

It's been ten years, but I am still haunted by the memory. It was in Ottawa, Canada. I had just finished giving a keynote address on bullying to a large group of educators in Ottawa. A gentleman was quietly waiting by the stairs to speak with me. As I approached him, he silently handed me a picture of an adorable eleven-year old boy. With tears in his eyes, the man explained that the photo was his son who had hung himself because he was bullied. He said he had to talk to me. He'd listened to my speech and knew that if people had only listened to what I said about bullying, his son would be alive today. He asked me to please keep warning parents of the consequence, and then he hugged me quietly walked away.

I've carried that child's photo in my purse and shared it with hundreds of parents and educators everywhere I speak. It's my reminder that adults need to take bullying far more seriously, tune into our children closer, and step in so a child does not have deal with cold-blooded cruel attacks alone. It has got to stop and it is not.

Studies find that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. And this cruel behavior is only increasing with age. A recent study prepared for the American Psychological Association showed that 80 percent of middle school students admitted to bullying behavior in the prior 30 days. Research shows bullying is escalating and bullies are more likely to be aggressive and could carry a weapon.

There is also another danger as well. The United States Secret Service studied over 30 school shootings. Could they determine a profile of a school shooter? The answer was no, but they did find one commonality: each shooter had been bullied intensely by peers, and no adult ever intervened. Bullied children can become bullies.

So what do you do if your child is repeatedly bullied and your previous efforts fail and worse yet the bullying intensifies? You may have done everything you can to try and help, but the bullying does not stop. Do know that is sadly predictable. Bullying is almost always a repeated behavior. That means once a child is targeted she usually continues to be targeted. If this is your child, you must intervene. A bullied child cannot solve this problem on her own.

Here are nine things to do if your previous efforts fail and bullying intensifies.

If your child is bullied it means that peers are intentionally causing her pain. If this is happening to your child, please know that your son or daughter is not alone. By some estimates, one in seven American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is far more frequent and aggressive than ever before.

While you can't always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. I reviewed hundreds of articles on bullying to find tips to pass onto parents. I also wrote a proposal to end school bullying and violence that became SB1667 and passed into law.

Here are some of those solutions to help your child navigate a vicious social jungle and deal with bullies:

Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school. So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem.

Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.

Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.

Kate Gosselin of the infamous Jon & Kate Plus 8 was photographed spanking her child. Oh my! I know this is probably "old news"--every media outlet from here to Cape Town probably covered it, but with all the flurry that Kate herself succumbed to that ancient parenting tool, my email box is suddenly loaded with "spanking" queries. It seems good 'ol Mommy Guilt is alive and churning in the U.S.A.

Well, "why not spank?" you wonder. It's quick, it's familiar (at least to parents who were themselves spanked as children) and it usually gets kids to stop the offending behavior-at least temporarily. And data shows 70% of Americans do spank. So let's get two things straight: First, a swat or two is not going to psychologically damage your kid for life. Nor will a spank cause your little munchkin to become the next Hannibal Lecter. Relax.

The key question is whether spanking is really the best discipline method. And here's the research every parents should know: In June 27, 2002 The Associated Press released Columbia University's analysis of six decades of research on corporal punishment. Results linked spanking to ten negative behaviors including aggression, anti-social behavior and mental health problems. Although many parents are unaware of it, continual spanking can have long-term negative effects. Plus it doesn't work that well in stopping bad behaviors. Really. Honest.

Here are ten reasons I'd advise you to consider using another discipline technique other than spanking to curb your kids' bad attitudes or troublesome behaviors:

1. Spanking stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kid doesn't know how to act differently.

2. Spanking teaches the child not how to act right, but how not to get caught when the parent is around. He becomes a champion in manipulation.

3. The child is much more likely to remember the punishment than why he was punished. He behaves out of fear instead of because he wants to act right.

4. It teaches that hitting solves problems. Kids must learn acceptable, nonviolent alternatives to solve problems.

5. Spanking teaches children to behave through "external control" (the punishment). It does not teach kids self-control-or "internal control."

6. Spanking sends a huge mixed message: "It's fine for adults to hit, but not kids."

7. Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.

8. Spanking squelches empathy. Empathy-being considerate to another's needs and feelings-is the cornerstone of moral growth. Studies find that children's empathy is diminished when their parents control their kids through anger.

9. Spanking exposes children to violence. Learning comes through example. Spanking is an aggressive act, showing children their parents acting in an out-of-control manner.

10. Spanking doesn't teach new behavior.  Spanking teaches not how to behave right, but how to shout, hit, manipulate, and control others through fear. It also fails to teach a critical discipline lesson: "So why should I behave?"

There are many ways to effectively discipline children without resorting to corporal punishment. Withhold privileges, grounding, assign extra chores, require restitute or use time-out are a few options. The important thing is to set the consequence ahead of time, make it fit the crime, and then carry through with it every time your child misbehaves.

The goal of all discipline is to teach your child to take responsibility for his choices-it's part of helping him grow into a healthy, self-reliant and decent human being.


Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Thinking of having your kid fly alone to visit someone this summer? After this week's news you just may want to rethink your plans.

It seems yet another unaccompanied minor flying to visit Grandma and Grandpa was someone "misplaced" by an airline and landed in not only in the wrong city, but the wrong state! I'm well aware that airlines frequently misplace luggage (why I've learned long ago to never ever check a bag), but I'm still baffled as to how it is that airplane employees can misplace a ten-year-old child.

In this case Dad did all the "right" things to ensure that his ten-year-old daughter was delivered safely to her grandparents. Dad filled out the required airline paperwork for Continental Airlines, walked his daughter to the gate at Logan International Airport with an airline employee, and even watched his child board the plane while his parents waited patiently at the Cleveland gate for her arrival. Despite all those efforts, the daughter landed in Newark, NJ leaving two grandparents and her dad frantically trying to track her whereabouts for 45 minutes. (Can you imagine the terror?) All because the flight crew of the connecting flight failed to check the young girl's paperwork (which was hanging prominently around her neck) and escorted her to the wrong aircraft.

The good news is that the ten-year-old is safe and sound and with her grandparents. Meanwhile I'm sure most parents hearing this are in full panic mode about letting their kids fly solo anytime in the near future - if ever.

So what 's a parent to do? In divorced families there isn't always an option when it comes to kids visiting their other parent. And spending a summer with grandparents is many a kid's fondest memory. My advice:  Don't be too quick to cancel your child's flight reservation --just yet anyway.

I know from personal experience that there are hundreds of kids who fly alone and really do land in the right city. I've also watched dozens of responsible airline employees help kids board planes, review their paperwork, give out individual safety instructions, and firmly let those minors know they are "not to move" until they are personally escorted to the next plane by a designated employee. Still there are always stories like this one that remind us that the unaccompanied minor system is not fail-proof. The parenting solution for this dilemma involves five quick tests to help assess whether your kid is really ready to fly alone in the friendly skies.

That old term "perfectionism" has popped up in the news lately. Here are just a brief review of the troubling headlines every parent should know and why we should be concerned...

In a study of 1,300 women, 50 percent of those with eating disorders described themselves as having been "obsessive perfectionists" as early as age eight." (Inskeep & Neighmond, 2004).

A recent Harvard Mental Health letter warned that perfectionism is linked with anxiety, depression, eating disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorders.

A recent survey cited that girls as young as five years old aspired to be thinner (Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, 2007)

Well, FINALLY a children's book that tackles head-on the growing problem of perfectionism in kids who feel that their best is never good enough. It's called, Too Perfect and it's written by one of my favorite children's author, Trudy Ludwig. She also wrote My Secret Bully, Just Kidding, Sorry!, and Trouble Talk®. Too Perfect shows girls that perfectionism has its price and tackles head-on the growing problem in kids who feel that their best is never good enough.

Trudy sheds light on the unhealthy pressure kids (and grownups!) put on themselves to look and act perfect. Best yet, she offers practical solutions to help young readers be more accepting of themselves and others. I can't recommend it enough!

I hope you have a chance to pass this wonderful book along to your daughter. What a tremendous relief it will be when our kids finally realize they don't have to be their best; they just have to try their best.

Too Perfect has just the right message to help you have those important talks with your child. It's a message today's girls can't hear enough!


Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Americans spend $60 billion a year on diets, pills and programs in the hope they will shed those unwanted pounds. Chances are, most people on any one of those diets are parents. What you may not realize is that secrets of effective diets also apply to effective parenting.

Those same proven methods that help drop pounds also can be used to make a happier family and change annoying kid behaviors. Parents already know these strategies, so now they just need to apply them to their family.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Choose a Plan That Fits Your Lifestyle
Just like in dieting, if you don't choose the right plan you'll fall off track. Effective parenting, like dieting, is always tailored to your child. Before you make any progress, just like anything else, you have to know thy child and know thyself with this one.

A good plan is always fueled by a strong reason as to why you should change, and how doing so will help your child and your family. It keeps you motivated. One trick is to push the fast-forward button and look ahead. If you don't create a plan for change what is the long-term outcome for your child?


Announce Your Intentions
Announcing your intentions is a strategy proven to actually help you stick to your plan. Researchers found that when people announce what they plan to change, they follow through more, since the last thing they want to be seen as is a hypocrite. So tell your best friend, spouse, child's teacher or your kid your parenting intentions. Always preach what you plan to practice. The guilt of not sticking to your plan can be deadly.

Regularly tracking progress increases motivation. You'll see successes that you may have overlooked and that proof pushes you to keep going. The trick is to find a simple way to track your plan, like electronically or in a journal. You'll then be able to review and see what's working and what's not. That way you can refine your response.


Eliminate One "Problem Area" at a Time
Only target one behavior at a time to change. Your chances of success are higher because you'll be able to better focus your efforts. One tip is to "chunk" the change into smaller manageable parts. You may want to stop your kid from being so rude: "This week Kevin will say thank you. Next week: please. The following week: excuse me." Little steps can make big differences.


Find Support in Others
It's much easier to succeed when you have others cheering you on. The best person is your partner or spouse, but your best friends can also help. You could also find an online support group or form a mommy group. Change is more likely if you have a support system to talk to about your successes or setbacks.

You need someone who encourages you to keep on, understands where you're coming from and is unconditionally supportive. This person is your personal cheerleader and that personality type helps you succeed. Leaning on someone that is too critical is a setup for failure. The person is like a gentle nag partner to keep you on course when you sway or help you troubleshoot a problem when the going gets tough.


Stick to the Plan
Any lifestyle change generally takes at least 21 days to come to fruition, but it will be different for each parent and child. Just beware of the "behavior backslide": Just when you thought you curbed that annoying behavior, you may see a sudden increase. It's common and is a sign to hang in there a little longer. A big mistake is giving up too soon.


Remember to celebrate those little successes and kid efforts along the way. Above all, don't give up!

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know 

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

We have an almost 10 year old girl who is our only child.  I'm 54 and my wife is 52.  She's a wonderful child but is having a hard time stopping herself from "hitting, kicking, and/or biting" her mother, and sometimes me.  We let her get away with it when she was small by not punishing her enough.  Now that behavior is still with her, though it has improved considerably.  Our daughter is a rather impulsive child, too.  We're at our wits end and I don't want to hit her back to make her stop the hitting.  But fear is a good teaching tool at times even though I seldom use it.  I want to protect her self-esteem and tell her she's a good girl even though she sometimes does bad things.  She knows we love her and she herself wants to stop the behavior but is having a hard time.  -Anonymous


Let's go straight to curbing your daughter's anger outbursts. Allowing a ten year old to continue biting and hitting is disastrous to your family's harmony and her self-esteem. This appears to be a habit since you're saying this started at a young age.

Just make sure there isn't anything else fueling the anger (stress, overscheduling, illness, ADHD). Once those are ruled out there are the seven steps to change inappropriate anger displays. This takes consistent commitment on your part and it is doable. but just know the change will happen gradually. She has been using this behavior so long it's now going to take a lot of "erasing" and re-framing. So here ya go...

1. Commit to change. You MUST (both of you) decide to stop this ASAP. You must stay on the same page and be consistent. If not, you can actually increase the hitting. But with this kind of behavior you must respond every time the same way.


2. Respond calmly. Do not hit her. Please. It is not effective in reducing anger (or any other behavior). It will only enforce the message that this is acceptable. Instead say calmly, "You are angry but you may not hit."


3. Apply a consequence every single time she hits. You've allowed it in the past and she's learned she can get away with it. So no more! "That's hitting. Please go to time out." (Notice I said, "please.") Say it firmly, then do not argue with her. You need to set up a place for her to go. Her bedroom is too distracting with things to do so try sitting at the kitchen table or a place there is no TV or cell phones etc. Think about ten minutes max. She is impulsive and this will be hard. If she sits do not talk to her. Ignore her. Don't plead or threaten. The time (set a timer) starts when she calms down. (A timer is great because it will reduce a power struggle. You need to control the timer). If she doesn't go to time out don't pull her or force it Just say firmly, "You need to go to time out." If she still doesn't comply (she gets two tries) it's an automatic loss of a privilege (something she really cares about. Toys, TV, etc)."You didn't go to time out like I asked so there is no TV this evening." Walk away and enforce the privilege removal. If you find taking away a privilege is more effective than time out than do that instead. The trick is to let her know you're not tolerating the behavior.


4. Reinforce using control. The fastest way to shape behavior is to acknowledge when a child is uses the right behavior. So whenever she is making an effort to display self control reinforce it. Try to aim for 5 positives to every 1 negative. It may take a while, but that's the goal. Only praise when deserved. If a reward system works- try it. I just don't want you doing too many things and overwhelming yourself, but once you get time out down then you can add a reward approach. A certain specified number of good displays of self control per day--say five--earns her a privilege. Add them up each week and it's a bigger prize. Keep track on a chart on the refrigerator. It must be clearly spelled out ahead.


5. Teach a replacer behavior. This one is critical. You want her to stop hitting and biting, so what do you want her to do instead? You must teach a substitute behavior or she will only continue the inappropriate behavior. Teach her to name her feelings. Teach her to walk away (take her own time out). Teach her 1 + 3 + 10 (First say "I'm mad." Then take 3 slow deep breaths. Then count slowly to 10. There are a number of good anger management techniques (my book Parents Do Make a Difference lists a few and the 1 + 3 + 10) just teach only one and nor more than two.


6. Rehearse the replacer. Change comes through practice. So practice, practice, practice the new replacer behavior when she is calm. It's the only way the replacer will kick in when she's angry.


7. Rebuild your relationship. You are all stressed and frustrated. That can increase the anger. Find fun ways to reconnect. No cost ways. A walk. A movie rental. Baking cookies- whatever, but rebuild connection and if you don't see change in two weeks it's time to seek the help of a trained mental health professional.

Hang in there. New behaviors generally take a minimum of 21 days of repetition to kick in. You must be consistent so track your own responses on a calendar. Above all stay calm with her and don't give up! I would only take on the anger challenge now. Forget other issues. This is where to put your energy.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

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The report card on our children's character is just in, and it appears many are flunking. The Josephson Institute of Ethics just released survey results of over 30,000 high school students involving over 100 high schools--both private and public--show dismal results: Cheating is rampant in schools, and is only getting worse. 64 percent of students admit to cheating on a test in the past year, and 38 percent did so two or more times. (That's up 60% and 35% from the 2006 survey). 36 percent say they used the Internet to plagiarize an assignment (that's up 33 percent since 2004). Another survey found that 95 percent of kids say they're never been caught.

But there is another troubling trend as well: Stealing is increasing (30 percent of all students surveyed admitted they stole at least once from a store) and their student attitudes about their deceptions are even more disturbing. Over 93 percent of students say they are satisfied with their personal ethics. We need to turn this trend around and ASAP.

Watch the segment from TODAY


There is no one reason kids cheat, but here are the usual causes:

1. Laziness: Cutting corners so you don't have to study. It's the shortcut to success.


2. Pressure: Competitiveness in a very high-stakes testing environment


3. Fear of failure: Fear of letting down a parent or not getting that scholarship


4. Truncated "honesty" quotient: The expectation for honesty isn't emphasized


5. Ease & efficiency: The Internet makes it so much easier just to cut and paste.  Over 3000 YouTube videos are up right now teaching kids how to cheat!


6. Time Famine: Over-scheduled kids with no time to study


7. Peer Pressure: Tough to stand alone if everybody else is cheating
   


8. Modeled behavior:  Coaches who push "score" at any cost, teachers who look the other way, helicopter parents who want the "grade" at any cost. It goes all the way up to Wall Street, NFL players, Senators, etc.

Though there are a number of reasons kids cheat, the key to stopping it is to determine why your child is resorting to using this behavior. Here are a few of the main reasons:

• Weak conscience or honest quotient: Character is taking a backseat


• Stress: The push and pressure to excel is huge


• No time: The child so over-scheduled that there is no time for homework


• Low skill level: Academic expectations are too high or the child is incapable of work


• Peer pressure: Your child is in with a group that eggs him or her on, or the other kids cheat


• Laziness: Allowed to get away with it.

I'm a big believer in the idea that it's never too early to be alarmed. Cheating and deception are learned early and become entrenched as a habit of "acceptability." It begins in earnest around the ages of 10 to 14, which is when we need to tune in a lot closer. Make no mistake, every time your child is allowed to get away with cheating, the child's conscience takes a ding. Though every kid will try it, the key is to nip it before it becomes "acceptable."

So how do you stop cheating before it becomes rampant?  Read my post on How to Stop the Cheating Epidemic for tips.

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• How to Stop the Cheating Epidemic
  
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them.

In an earlier post--Help! My Kid is a Cheater!--I explained the warning signs to tell if your child is cheating, and some of the reasons why cheating has become such an epidemic.  Now that you've assessed the situation here some steps you can take to curb those cheating behaviors:

Watch the segment from TODAY

1. Breathe: Know that these days most kids admit they do cheat. How you respond will make a difference if he or she continues or not. Often the highest achieving kids are the students under the greatest pressure to cut corners.


2. Find out what's really going on: Why is your child resorting to using this behavior? Are the expectations too high? Is he over-scheduled? Is he not capable of the work? Does he lack good study habits? Is everyone else in the class cheating or peer pressure is too high?


3. Work out a solution: The key is for your child to know that you understand he's under pressure but cheating is not the way. So together figure out how to remedy the problem so cheating isn't your child's solution. (i.e. There's no time to do homework so he copies - then cut one of those darn activities. If he is lazy and doesn't want to do the work, then no more TV time, but create a solution so the problem doesn't solve escalate (which it will).

If you need to approach your child's teacher, do so cautiously. If your child is not cheating and you point out your concerns, the teacher will now be suspicious of your child's behavior. It's better to first approach your child to get the facts. After you hear her out you talk to the teacher if the situation warrants. A lot will depend on the seriousness of the issue, and if this is a one-time happening or a long time occurrence. If you suspect your child is cheating, you'll also want to know if this is just your child doing this or the whole class.

If you talk do to the teacher, remember you want her as an ally. Is your child turning in assignments? When are the test days? Are the tests cooperative or is each child expected to do their own work (seriously). Is your child capable of the work? Ask the teacher to clarify her expectations to your child so she is clear as to what constitutes cheating.

If cheating becomes a pattern for your child. then you must break it. Every time a child gets away with it, a little more of that honesty fiber is chipped away, which is why you must nip this behavior in the bud. Cheating is learned and so is honesty. Which means the reverse is possible. So aim for the reverse: An honest kid. Remember, cheating is a learned behavior, so it can be unlearned.

Related Content:

• Help! My Kid is a Cheater!
  
• TODAY on iVillage

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them.

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have a friend who has a three-year-old, a two-year-old and a one-year-old. The oldest has displayed the typical sibling rivalry traits, not sharing, tantrums, etc. The most disturbing behavior is that she causes considerable damage to the house, like flooding, ruining wood floors with ink, and a few other things that cost a lot of money to repair. When she is punished, she acts like she doesn't care by laughing or ignoring you. How can my friend better understand where this behavior is coming from, and how can she teach her daughter that these behaviors are wrong? Theses destructive activities are a daily event and she is desperate for help! -Christina


Wow, do I wish I could set up a video recorder in the house and watch this. You're describing very  uncommon behaviors for a three-year-old--very uncommon. And they are disturbing because they are daily and destructive. So here are six steps to turn destructive behaviors in young kids around. It will take concerted effort, patience, support and consistency (which is essential). Here ya go:

Step 1: Aim for prevention.  This child needs to be monitored much, much closer. How is a three-year-old able to flood a house? Really! That takes time and effort. The same with damaging wood floors with ink. Mom needs to keep this child in close proximity. There are also younger children involved here, and their safety may be at stake. Supervise! Block off some portions of the house. Keep this child in tow (or under toe) at all times!

Step 2: Find positive ways to keep her occupied. I'm assuming this child also is impulsive. She needs things to keep her occupied so she doesn't get into trouble. Fill a basket or bag with things to do so she doesn't get into trouble. Keep one in each part of the house and car. Simple things like erasable crayons and paper, a doll and dresses, or toys that she already owns. (Don't buy anything.) Just keep her busy. Three-year-olds have very short attention spans. Mom's goal is to stretch her attention span.

Step 3: Use the right discipline. Discipline for a three-year-old is tricky. A possible reason for her laughing after she destroys something or pretending not to care is Mom's response to how she is disciplined. Mom must be calm. Must. No yelling. No spanking. Both will backfire with this child. Seriously backfire. And that's what may be happening. Instead, she must catch her the moment she is destructive, and on the spot firmly and calmly say, "That's time out. We don't draw on the floor. Please sit in the thinking chair." Next, she sits, but not too long. A big mistake for an impulsive kid is too long of time out, so let her sit there for two or three minutes. That's it! As long as she's sitting. Once she sits, the time begins, but Mom has to ignore the child in time out, and the chair must be in a spot where there's no attention. Suppose she doesn't go to the chair? Don't drag. Stay calm. Firmly say, "Please go to the chair." If she refuses after the second time, then immediately remove a privilege that she likes. No ice cream after dinner. No TV. Something. I'm betting Mom is using the wrong way to do time out. Help her with this. Then she should thank her daughter when she completes the time out. Seriously. "Thank you for going to time out." Alan Kazdin's book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, is a great source and explains the steps thoroughly.

Step 4: Find relief. Mom needs support! An impulsive three-year-old who needs constant supervision is taxing. Two more kids in the home! Ahh! Stress is going to build. Mom has to be calm and cool with this child. A quick temper escalates an impulsive child. So what can anyone do to help out Mom? A playdate once a week? Helping her watch the kids? Making a dinner together and have one frozen to save on the witching hour? She has to carve out at least 15 minutes of downtime for herself--at least!

Step 5: Reinforce good behavior. Mom is discouraged. So is the child. Really! A three-year-old really does care. But if she only gets negative reinforcement she learns to "act bad" because she desperately needs attention. Lavish on the love and hugs and strokes when she isn't into mischief. Rebuild that bond with Mom. Catch her being good. Please! The best way to change behavior is to look for those positive moments. You will need to help Mom. Point out positives. Model how to be positive. Mom may be missing those moments because of the stress of the situation.

Step 6: Get help. If Mom doesn't see change in two weeks, or things escalate, it's time to get help. I hope she already has spoken to a pediatrician to rule out any other causes of this behavior. She also needs to think about anything else that could be triggering this behavior (an impending divorce, a financial crisis, an illness). If this is a sudden and new behavior, then something else is triggering it. Talking things through with a training specialist could help. Taking a parenting class could also be beneficial.

Please do not give up!  Doing so will be disastrous not only to your child's future, but to your family's harmony. Hang in there!

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

Let's face it. It's a tougher time to be growing up, and the data confirms it. Bullying is fiercer. Peer pressure is tougher. Kids are also more aggressive at younger ages. Girls are meaner. Of course we can't always be there to pick up the pieces or help our kids stand up for themselves, nor should we. After all, the more our children see us as their rescuers, the more they learn to rely on us to solve their problems. The secret is help our kids learn how to be more assertive and speak up for themselves.

Here are seven ways to help your child learn to be respectfully assertive.

1. Model assertiveness. Be the model you want your child to copy. Don't be meek. Stand up for your views even if they may not be unpopular. Let your kids know that even though you might feel uncomfortable, you always feel it's best to stand up for your rights or the rights of others.
   


2. Be a democratic household. Hold debates. Use family meetings. Listen to each child (it doesn't mean you agree with them). When kids know their opinions count they are more likely to speak out and feel comfortable doing it.


3. Acknowledge your child's assertiveness. Let your child know you value people who speak their mind. Reinforce your child's assertiveness. "I like how you spoke up!" Reinforce those behaviors in your child and let her know you honor her opinions.


4. Find less domineering friends. If your child is a bit more timid and always hangs around a bossy playmate, provide him the opportunity to find a less domineering pal so he will be more likely to speak up and gain confidence.


5. Provide early leadership opportunities. New research from the Girl Scouts of America says kids say their confidence in speaking up and leading others dwindles by the fifth grade. Kids also tell us they gain that confidence is by entering into activities, clubs, team building, etc. and the earlier the better. So provide opportunities for your child to be a member of a team, take charge of a project or lead others. You might enroll your child in public speaking or theatre to build confidence in speaking in front of others.


6. Teach your child C.A.L.M. assertion. There are four steps that help kids stand up and speak up for themselves or others. Here are the four steps to C.A.L.M.
   

C - Stay Cool. If you get upset, ticked off, cry, pout you don't appear as confident.
A - Assert yourself. Teach your child a few comeback lines to say in different situations.
L - Look the person in the eye. The best way to appear more confident is by using eye contact.
M - Mean it. Teach your child the difference between how a wimpy and a strong voice sound. Then encourage your child to assert himself using a strong and firm tone--but not yelling tone--to get his point across.

7. Role-play assertive posture, assertive phrases and a firm-sounding tone until your child has the confidence to hold his own without you. And when he does, congratulate yourself. You will have taught your child a critical skill that he will need to use in every arena of his life but now and forever.

Do you have thoughts or questions on helping your child become more assertive?  Leave a comment below!

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

It's Thanksgiving Day and your family and guests are at your festive table, ready for the meal to begin, but you first want folks to share their Thanksgiving blessings. Be honest: Which scenario would best depict your reaction when it's your children's turn to count their blessings with the group?

Would you...

A: Beam with pride as they describe their gratitude for their life blessings?
B: Gently remind them of things they could share?
C: Want to die from embarrassment since your kids can't think of anything to say?

If your kids need reminders to say "thank you," show appreciation, or take thoughtful gestures for granted, then it may be time for a gratitude makeover. Studies prove that the happiest kids feel an appreciation for life, and that's regardless of their wealth or personal circumstances. They are also more joyful, determined, optimistic, resilient, less stressed and even healthier. So if you're a tad concerned that your kids' attitude of gratitude needs a little boost, the good news is that science also proves there are simple strategies to do it. One of the easiest ways is by establishing family rituals where kids count their everyday blessings. Here are a few to get you started:

Thank You ABCs. This one is great for younger kids to do at the dinner table. You and your kids say the alphabet together but for each letter include something you are grateful for: A, Aunt Helen; B, my brother; C, my cat, and so on. Take it up a notch by explaining why they are grateful. Families with small kids rarely get beyond H, but the point is you're having fun together and your kids are also learning to be appreciative.

Thanksgiving blessings. Say a prayer of thanks together before meals. Some families take turns so that each night a different member leads the prayer. Or, do bedtime blessings when each child exchanges messages of appreciation for one another followed by a goodnight hug and kiss.

Gratitude letters. Your child writes a letter to someone who has made a positive difference in his life, but has probably not thanked properly in the past (such as his teacher, coach, scout master or grandparent). To maximize the impact, research says that your child should read the letter to the person face-to-face.

Gratitude journals. Another proven way to boost gratitude is by having your kids write something they feel grateful for, ideally four times a week, and continue for at least three weeks. Younger kids can draw or dictate things they are most grateful for; older kids can write in a diary or on a computer. Why not do so as a family?

Thank your kids. Don't overlook your kids' daily thoughtful deeds. Just be sure to tell them what they did that you appreciate so they are more likely to copy your example and send their own "appreciation messages" to others.

Set limits. Having too much of anything squelches appreciation. So fight the tendency to overindulge your child with too many things. Giving kids what they want all of the time does not help them learn to be grateful and appreciative of what they have.

Expose your kids to the less fortunate. Face-to-face experiences can go a long way in helping kids appreciate their blessings. So find ways for you and your child to do charitable work (playing with kids in a homeless shelter, reading to the blind, building a low-cost home or delivering meals for the bed-ridden).

Remember, change is a process; not a one-time activity. Stick to your commitment and find simple ways to help your child practice gratitude. Reinforce any efforts and don't give up until you get the desired change.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

My son has a best friend (they are 8 years old) that comes over for sleep overs during the weekend, and he goes over to his friend's Dad's house and sleep over there too. Is it wrong to let the two boys sleep in the same bed with each other? -Michelle Johnson


Thanks for the question, Michelle. You're talking about two second grade aged buddies sleeping in the same bed. I am reading here that you're concerned maybe of homosexuality. Is that true? If so, the medical research shows that sexuality is biologically determined, so there is no need for concern on that topic. But there are two potential red flags.

First, boys that age do "experiment". By hosting the boys you are also responsible for anything that happens in your house.

This is also the age when teasing and bullying starts escalating. Other kids hearing about these boys sleeping together could fuel a lot of taunting. Gone are the days of innocence, eh? Sad, but you asked and I wanted you to think things through.

Why not purchase two inexpensive sleeping bags and a couple of flashlights? This is the perfect age when boys love to "camp out" (even inside) or drape sheets over beds and card tables to make forts. You might just start a whole new trend.


Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .

Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

How do i stop my 2 year old tantrums? She likes to scream, get on the floor, the whole works. In public it is hard to deal with. What do I do to train her not do deal with her frustrations in this way?
--Anna

My 6 year old daughter has some annoying habits. If things aren't going her way she gets the worst attitude. One that sometimes includes refusing to do things and having temper tantrums.What do I do?
--Chrissy Mealy

Ahha! Tantrums!!! Rest assured this is one of the most annoying kid behaviors. I get more questions about tantrums then just about any other topic. But there is one huge parenting secret: A tantrum is a device kids use to get what they want because they've learned it works. The secret to stopping them is don't ever give in to the outburst. That said, here are a few tips to start reducing those tantrums.

Step 1. Anticipate the Tantrum to Prevent the Outburst
The biggest mistake we make is waiting until our kids are in full meltdown to deal with their out-of-control behavior. Your best bet is to anticipate its onset before the explosion. Watch for your child's unique tantrum pre-signs-tension, antsy, the first whimper-and immediately redirect his behavior: “Look, at that little boy over there.” “Want to get out of the stroller and push it with Mommy?” Sometimes it helps pointing out your kid's frustration signs: “Looks like you're getting tired. Let's take a walk.” Little tykes don't yet have the maturity to gauge their emotions, so you'll need to be their self-regulator at first. If you see your youngster getting frustrated, that's the time to try calming down techniques to help her stay in control. Get eye to eye and talk soothingly to her: rub her back, hold her gently or hum a relaxing song. Sometimes putting what your child feels into words can stop an explosion: “Waiting is hard, especially when you want to go home right this minute.” She might not have the language to express his frustrations, so hearing you say them can be reassuring. Once you figure out what works best for your child's temperament, use it quickly. Kids' behavior can turn into a full-blown tornado in record time.

Step 2. Set a Zero Tolerance Policy for Tantrums
Once your child explodes, absolutely refuse to interact with your child until the tantrum subsides. She needs to know this behavior will not be tolerated. Don't coax, yell, spank, or try to reason with your kid: it usually never works. Besides, she won't hear you above her screams. Do not respond in any way. Don't even make eye contact. It's sometimes necessary to gently hold a really out-of-control kid to keep him from hurting himself or others, but once he's at a safer point, go about your business.

Step 3. Consistently Use the 'No Tantrum' Policy Everywhere
Once your establish your behavior policy, it's critical that you use the same response every time she acts out so he knows you mean business. That also means when you're in public. Remove your kid from the scene: find a private area or go to the car until she acts right, or leave altogether. Yep, it's inconvenient, but you can't tolerate her inappropriate behavior. Consistency is critical in squelching out-of-control behaviors.

Step 4. Teach Positive Alternatives to Losing Control
When you're both calm, talk about appropriate ways to handle frustrations. Teach her a few feeling words--such as angry, mad, sad, tired or frustrated--then encourage him label how he feels: “I'm mad” or “I feel really cranky.” Though tantrums are never pleasant, you can use them to teach important lessons on communicating needs and handling frustrations appropriately.

Step 5. For Kid OLDER Than Three
The best consequence for persistent tantrums is time out but it generally isn't advisable until around 3 years old. Handle the tantrum the minute it occurs-don't wait to deal with it later. Calmly move your kid to a secluded spot or selected “time out” area. Make sure no TV, toys, or other kids are around. The time out is one minute per age of the child--and time starts once the child is CALM. This must be enforced everyplace and anytime. You should see a gradual diminishment in the behavior. Gradual. BE CONSISTENT.

Hang tough Moms!

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .