Dr. Michele Borba's Parenting Solutions

It's Time to Talk to Your Kid About Drinking

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 19:00:00 -0500

Now is exactly when you should talk to your kid about alcohol. In fact, the earlier the better. And here's why. Kids are having their first drink three-and-a-half years earlier than kids from the baby-boomer generation. Seven percent of fourth graders and more than 8 percent of fifth graders have drunk beer, liquor, or wine coolers in the past year; and 27 percent of sixth graders have used alcohol at least once this past year. One-out-of-six eighth graders are current drinkers. Some reports say that girls are binge drinking as frequently (or even more) as boys.52 Kids form beliefs about alcohol very early in life, even before they start elementary school.Parents also have far more influence on their children's attitudes when the kids are young. Children nine or under generally perceive drinking as negative, but around thirteen their views change and become more positive.

When Your Child and His Teacher Just Can't Get Along

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:44:38 -0500

What should you do when your child doesn't like his teacher? Should you call the principal or sit in on the class? Or should you brush it off as a normal childhood grievance and move on? Here are the steps to take to help you navigate this tricky teacher trouble:

Q&A: When Discipline Is Too Strict

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:00:00 -0500

I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along, but I feel as though my boyfriend doesn't have the same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son--especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. He can not color, can not read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the TV he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying.

My son is a good kid, he doesn't misbehave, doesn't have fights in school, he doesn't talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesn't focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is: Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe a little and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.

-Jessica Diaz

I read your note and I am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severely damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.

Your boyfriend is threatening your child ("I will hit you."). The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week--and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)

Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple"--it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "forgive and forget." The parent and child relationship remains intact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that's fair and reasonable.

PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

How to Turn Pessimistic Kids into Optimistic Thinkers

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 10:23:59 -0500

"Why should I bother? You know they won't choose me."
"What's the point? I'll never make the team."
"Why are you making me go? You know I won't have fun."

Let's face it: Kids with pessimistic attitudes are among the most frustrating breeds. They give up easily, believe anything they do won't make a difference, and assume they won't succeed. Sadly, they rarely see the wonderful things in life. They dwell instead on the negative, bad parts, and often find only the inadequacies in themselves: "I'm so dumb, why study?" "Nobody's going to like me, why bother?" (The trend is increasing: a child today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century.) So what's a parent to do?

First, do know that I empathize if you have one of these little critters. I know this is troubling stuff, and at times even heartbreaking. After all, the hardest parts of being a parent are the times when your child isn't happy. But there is one point you must keep in mind: Kids are not born pessimistic. Research shows a large part of this attitude is learned along the way. So take heart: research at Penn State University concludes that parents can help their kids become more optimistic. Doing so will dramatically increase the likelihood of your son or daughter's long-term happiness. So roll up your sleeves, and let's get started. Here are secrets that will make a real difference in your child's life, from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

High School "Slut List of 2010": A Wake-Up Call for Parents

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0500

A high school "Slut List of 2010" is causing nationwide concern amongst educators and parents. The list, featuring almost two dozen names of 13 and 14-year-old freshman girls, was widely circulated amongst students at Millburn High School in New Jersey.

Among the sexually explicit details and highly derogatory comments (supplied by Millburn-Short Hills Patch) are:

"My friends practice giving head on me because I'm a man."
" I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you [drugs] for free if you get with me."
"I want it so bad I'll beg you to stick it in."
"I (censored) like I blow the candles out on the menorah."
"Keeping up with the family tradition, [blank] me.... and knock me up."

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:17:45 -0500

Watch Michele Borba talk about her new book:

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

How to Teach Our Kids the Skills of Self-Defense

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 11:03:44 -0500

Kidnappings and sexual abuse have always been a parent's worst nightmare. This week our hearts go out to Jaycee Dugard and her parents. We can only imagine a smidgeon of their suffering.

Our instinct is to keep our kids inside and watch them like a hawk, but it's crucial to keep things in perspective. The fact is, our kids are more likely to die in our bathtubs than be abducted.

Only one in 500,000 children¹ are abducted by a stranger. Most kidnappers are someone the child personally knows. In fact, research shows that 85 percent² of kids found alive after being abducted did not consider their kidnapper to be a stranger.

While there are no guarantees for our children's health and well-being, research shows that we can help kids learn simple safety tips so they will be less likely to be harmed. Though you may fear that talking about such frightening issues will scare the pants off your kids, not doing so is a big mistake. The secret is bringing up such topics in a relaxed way (just as you discuss other daily matters) and not to cover too many skills at once (as well as, of course, the kinds of safety know-how he needs at that point in his life).

Here are a few safety strategies from my book, Big Book of Parenting Solutions, you can review with your child.

Parents Guide To Handling Homework Headache

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:16:57 -0500

According to a survey by Public Agenda almost half of all parents of school-age students said they have arguments involving tears or yelling with their kids about homework. And one third of parents admit those school assignments cause repeated kid meltdowns. There's been some controversy lately about homework that some say isn't necessary, assigned by an administrative policy that's trying to make the parents feel the school is serious about education, or being sure their attendees pass standardized tests. Research says that the right kind of homework assignments enhances children's learning as well as helping them acquire the essential skills for success in school and life (such as organization, self-pacing, problem solving, internal motivation, concentration, memory, goal setting, good old "stick-to-it-ness") and don't forget, they might learn something!

So here are a few tips to help parents weigh the battle versus the learning. The key is a bit of organization from the start.

Make homework mandatory, not a choice. From the beginning maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Your kid needs to know that homework is not an option. Enforce the "work before play" rule.

Your role is guider, not doer. While you need to make sure they understand the concepts and are capable of the assignments, once they do, step back! Use the mantra: "Never do for your child, what your child can do for himself." It may take a bit of adjustment, but hang tight until you reach the desired change: independent, self-motivated learners.

Know the teacher's expectations. Be clear as to expectations and homework policy so you are all on the same page. If your child is in middle school she probably has a number of teachers, so you will have to do the same query per teacher. Many teachers prefer an email query- find out how the teacher prefers to be contacted. Most important: Find out on an average, how long should the homework take per night? That answer will help your determine if your child has too much work, is a procrastinator, has a learning disability or lacks study skills. Talk with your child so he knows you are not only aware of those expectations but support them

Don't Miss Signs of Teen Depression

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:13:29 -0500

All teens can be irritable, want to be secretive, and appear and even act alien- like. But when should a parent worry--really worry about their child? Did you know that one in 12 teens suffered at least one episode of major depression in the last year? Of those, a full 60 percent are not getting treatment.

That question has caused many a sleepless night for moms and dads. The more you understand typical adolescent behavior and the signs of depression, the better you'll be at tailoring your parenting to this "new tenant" of yours and getting your teen the help he or she may need.

I'm concerned that many parents are missing those crucial warning signs and too many of our teens are suffering needlessly from depression. Depression is a serious disease that affects approximately 2 million adolescents in the United States. Depression is treatable. I'm so concerned that I've partnered with Forest Laboratories to help educate parents about teen depression.

A recent survey of parents of adolescents (aged 13-17) found that parents are missing the symptoms of depression. Of parents who said they were at least somewhat knowledgeable about the symptoms of depression, 89 percent claimed they would be able to tell if their son or daughter was exhibiting symptoms. However, when asked to identify the symptoms, only 44 percent of parents were able to correctly identify the majority of them (5 out of 9).

10 Tips to Keep Your Kids Safe Online

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:05:05 -0500

Cyber-bullying is whenever kids deliberately harass someone (peers or adults) and involves any electronic technologies such as email, cell phones, page text messages, instant messaging (IM), blogs or websites. The intention is always to harm others. I'm writing today as part of a series so that parents can help their kids deal with this troubling new trend. The first step is to stop and take time to know what's happening in your child's world. The second step is to teach online safety tips to kids.

Two great sites that offer advice to parents and kids are:

http://www.WiredKids.org
http://StopCyberbullying.org

Here are few of many tips from my book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions to help you keep your kids safe online.

Hold a media talk. If your child isn't talking about cyber-bullying, don't assume he hasn't been affected. Let him know you're aware of the darker side of Cyberspace. Start the discussion: "What have you heard about..." "What are the other kids saying?" Let your child know from the start using your family computer is a privilege and comes with responsibility. That privilege will be removed immediately if your child abuses your family's rules.

Don't be too tough. This one sounds contradictory but here's the low down: A study at Clemson University found that kids often did not tell their parents about cyberbullying for fear of losing online privileges. One study found that almost 60 percent of kids did not tell their parents when someone was abusive to them online. So don't overreact or ban him from using the Internet altogether.

Monitor your computer. Do you know what your child is doing online? Does she have a Xanga, use instant messaging, have a blog, visit chat rooms, frequent game rooms? Does your kid really need that fancy cell phone with all the attachments allowing straight Internet access?

Help Your Child Make New Friends and Fit into a New Social Scene

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:27:39 -0500

Any new social scene can be really tough. Having all new classmates, joining a brand-new group of kids on a soccer team, transferring to a new school, going away to camp alone and most of all moving isn't easy. And oh how kids can pour on the guilt to remind us they're not happy campers: "You're ruining my life!" "Why do I have to go to this new school?" "Why can't we move back to our old neighborhood? Do you have any idea how unhappy you made me?"

Knowing that our kids are lonely, feel left out, and desperately miss their old group is tough. As much as we'd love to, we can't instantly wipe away our their pain because their best friends are left behind and they can't fit in with the new crowd. But we can ease their discomfort by making the transition a bit smoother. We can help them find ways to make new friends. And we even can teach them new friendship making skills that actually may be ones they can use in other social arenas. So think positively, and stay focused on what you can do to boost your child's friendship quotient and get him through this tough time. Here are a few parenting solutions to help your child get started fitting into any new social scene.

Acknowledge feelings. If your child doesn't share her feelings, you can help her recognize how she feels: "You must be feeling lonely and miss your old group." "I can you're worried." It's tough to join a new team when you don't any of the kids. Let her know such feelings are normal.

Be reassuring. "It may take time to meet new kids and make new friends. Many of these kids have been friends with one another for quite a while, and may not be too receptive to a new person joining in." "Remember way back when you didn't know anybody--even Kevin, and then you became great friends. It will take time, but you'll make new friends just like you did at our other home."

Become acquainted with other parents. Be a room parent, offer to carpool, sign up to coach, be the team mom, meet other camper parents, and attend PTA meetings and other school functions. Getting to know parents of your child's potential friends is often a great way to invite the families over, giving your child the opportunity to have a new playmate. Also, introduce yourself to the neighbors: sometimes our kid's best friends can be literally next door. Find out who amongst your work colleagues has children: it's a way to learn not only about available kid activities, but also to arrange play dates for younger children (or find a babysitter!).

9 Tips for Saying Goodbye to Your College-Bound Kid

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:18:05 -0500

After all the test taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring, and acceptance waiting, the big event is almost here: Dropping teens off at college. You'd think that would be the easy part, but move-in day on college campuses is actually a high anxiety, emotionally draining affair (so says the voice of experience! Believe me, you're never prepared enough.) There are boxes to unload, roommates to meet, dorms to find. And there's also that final moment when you know you have to say goodbye to your child who may be leaving home for the first time.

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Here are a few strategies to give your college bound freshman a positive send off the right way...

1. Be Prepared. Letting go is going to be different than you expected and far more emotionally charged. After all, we've been so involved in our kids' lives and have been determined to give them the best. And frankly this is a huge economic investment. So recognize your feelings and sort out your emotions before the big departure. This is the time to use restraint. It's probably best not to say, "What am I going to do without you?"

2. Have the Significant Talk Before the Drop Off. Don't count on having a momentous goodbye once you get to campus. The day is guaranteed to be hectic and stressful and not the best time to air your list of parental concerns. Instead have the meaningful talk or one last big lecture to discuss those things that could become areas of contention a few days before you leave home. You might want to make a list of things you want to discuss: Financial matters (like spending money and that credit card); your expectations; how you'll stay in touch; when you'll see each other next; and those safety issues like binge drinking and date rape (most parents say safety is their biggest concern). A prior talk (if you think it is needed) will let you and your kid focus on move-in day and have a more positive departure.

3. Simplify the Move. Most kids are embarrassed pulling up in a big moving van. So think of boxes that are easy to pack (and throw away). Or a wardrobe already on hangers that can quickly be put into the closet. Bring a few things in one box you know your kid will not have packed: a First-aid care package (plastic container with bandages, gauze, adhesive tape, antibiotic ointment, an ice pack, thermometer, medicines for upset stomach, headache, cold or flu, sore throat lozenges or spray), a just-in-case phone card, a surprise batch of homemade cookies or nibbles for the dorm.

Empower Girls To Be Strong from the Inside Out

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 10:58:35 -0500

I don't know about you, but I'm suffering from a bad case of only what I can call "Shudder Syndrome", and it seems to be worsening. It's a relatively new ailment, but it always materializes when I read those disturbing statistics about young girls. I'm sure you know the ones about anorexia, depression, cutting, date rape, binge drinking, aggression, and bulimia. The list goes on and on. The minute I hear one, my ailment flares up: it always starts with a bad feeling deep down, and then my whole body just shudders. There has to be other parents like me who are shaking with worry. And I'm the mom of three boys! I can only imagine your symptoms if you're raising daughters. This is scary stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that our girls are doomed. And certainly boys have their own share of problems as well. I'm just saying we need to keep a closer eye on those trends and realize leading experts are concerned about the young female gender (and with quite valid reasons). We are seeing a rise in depression, eating disorders and low self-esteem. Most experts agree that it's due to continual negative messages that happiness comes from the outside (being a particular dress size, wearing designer labels, or getting liposuction or breast implants (I kid you not. The increase of plastic surgery among young women is frightening!) Robbed is that great notion that real happiness comes from the inside.

So how do we counter those constant negative media continually bombard our girls? How do we help young girls realize that there are other ways to be happy than by being rich, famous, or pencil-thin? What are ways for parents to help their daughters learn to feel comfortable in their own skin without having to copy "the look" of this week's Hollywood idol? And just how do we turn these troubling trends around and help our girls grow to be strong, confident and happy?

Have You Talked To Your Kids About Steroids?

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 17:16:51 -0500

Ramirez and Ortiz Join the Steroid-User Club

REALITY CHECK: Think steroids are for teens? Well, think again. A recent survey found that kids as young as ten (fifth graders!) are taking illegal steroids to do better in sports. And it isn't just boys who are partaking: use among middle-school girls is almost as prevalent as it is among boys (2.8 percent of boys and 2.6 percent of girls). One CNN report found that up to 7 percent of middle school girls-some as young as nine years of age-admit to using anabolic steroids as a way to lose weight. Health professionals and educators alike are alarmed, but so too should parents.

If you haven't heard, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz just joined the Baseball Hall of Shame for testing positive for using performance-enhancing drugs. They are among the 100 players that tested positive for steroids in 2003. And sports announcers caution that this issue will not go away-more announcements are yet to come.

Steroids can harm the liver, stunt growth and cause a host of other long-term ailments, but these young bodies particularly vulnerable. That's exactly why we should start talking to our kids about the dangers of steroids at a much younger age. And there is no time better than now. It's hard to read a news story these days that doesn't list yet another a pro baseball players, wrestlers, swimmers, runners, bikers found guilt of abusing performance enhancing drugs.

Do know these tainted-athletes do impact our children's beliefs and behavior. One teen survey found that 57 percent admitted that professional athletes influenced their decision to use the drugs and 63 percent of kids said pro athletes influenced their friends' decisions to use them. Recognize that your kid's sport hero may be influence his decisions.

Q&A: Helping Kids Adjust When You Go Back To Work

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 15:11:42 -0500

Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered.

I'm starting back to work a couple days a week and I'm in a panic. My toddler clings and cries so hard when I leave just to go to the grocery store that breaks my heart. Is there anyway to help my daughter feel more secure now? Thank you! --Susan M., from Reno Nevada

Leaving our children when we know they feel insecure is heartbreaking. But there are solutions you can do now to help ease the pain and help your toddler feel more secure in your absence. The key is to slowly start implementing these tips way several weeks before you have to finally go back to work. The first tip is to make sure your child has a security object of some type.

Here are a few tips to help you help your toddler feel more secure in your absence:

Step 1. PREPARE YOUR TODDLER FOR SHORT GOODBYES

Provide a "lovey." Give a security blanket, cuddly stuffed animal or some kind of "security substitute" for your baby to use in your absence. It is a way for your toddler to soothe herself when you're not there.

Create secure transitions. Start several weeks before you leave by practicing good-byes with your toddler. Start with just saying goodbye when it's just the two of you. Then just leave a bit to go to the next room and pop back in with a big hello. Your baby will begin to realize "Mommy does return."