Dr. Michele Borba's Parenting Solutions

Anger Management Tips for Kids

2009-07-02T14:18:49Z

Over the years I've received hundreds questions from parents, but by far the largest number deal with how to help kids handle anger. Here is just one of those queries:

Dear Dr. Borba,
My son has such a good heart, but what a temper! He has all this excess energy and whenever he's upset, he kicks and punches anyone or anything in sight. We've tried time outs, withholding privileges, and even spanking, but it's not working. How can I help him handle his anger?
- Pam W., a concerned mom from Tampa, Florida

If you want your kid to handle anger more appropriately then he must learn substitute behaviors to relieve that pent-up energy. Some parents swear that learning the deep breathing yoga techniques helped their kids manage their anger. The trick is to find what works for your child so he can learn how to take control of his temper. And then you must help your child practice that technique over and over until it finally becomes a habit and your child can use it without your guidance. That may take time, so hang in there. You should see a gradual diminishment of the anger as your child gains self-control and applies the "anger replacer" skill.

Each child is different so it's best to use the trial and error approach: teach a strategy and then watch to see how your child responds. If the strategy and your child seem to "click" then focus on that one technique by practicing it again and again until your child can use it alone.

Here are a few other solutions that help kids handle their hot feelings in healthier ways:

]]> Develop a feeling vocabulary. Many kids display aggression such as kicking, screaming, hitting, biting because they simply don't know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotional vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your kid develop one. Here are a few words to start with: angry, upset, mad, frustrated, agitated, furious, apprehensive, tense, nervous, anxious, irritated, furious, ticked off, irate. Once your child learns emotion words, encourage him to "talk out his anger." Beware: Your child might yell, "I'm really angry!" Or blurt out: "You make me so mad." Do not discipline him. It's exactly what you want him to do so he learns to express his anger instead of lashing out or holding the anger in.

Use self-talk. Teach a simple, positive message your child can say to himself in stressful situations. For example: "Stop and calm down," "Stay in control," "I can handle this."

Pound it out. Pound clay, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, punch a punching bag, throw rocks at a wall (away from people), hit a wall with a foam bat. Help your child find the most effective way to calm his temper, and then encourage him to use the technique.

Go to a calm spot. Ask your child to help you set up a place where he can go to gain control. Put a few soothing things such as books, music, pens, and paper, and then encourage him to use the spot to cool down.

Tear your anger into little pieces. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper. Then tear it into little pieces and "throw the anger away." He can also use the concept by imaging that his anger is slowly leaving him in little pieces.

Teach: "Stop and breathe." Show your child how to inhale slowly to a count of five, pause for two counts, and then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation and reduces stress that can turn into anger.

Teach "1 + 3 + 10". Explain the formula: "As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you're losing control, do three things. First, stop and say: 'Be calm.' That's 1. Now take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That's 3. Finally, count slowly to ten inside your head. That's 10. Put them all together and you have 1 + 3 + 10, and doing it helps you calm down and get back in control."

Imagine a calm place. For instance: the beach, his bed, grandpa's backyard, a tree house. The second your child feels his body warning signs kick in, tell him to close his eyes and imagine the spot, while breathing slowly.

Calming a hot-temper is not only teachable, but also essential for growing up in a sometimes violent, unpredictable world. Besides, eliminating this behavior will do absolute wonders in creating not only a child who is far more enjoyable to be with, but also a more peaceful family. If you're consistent you'll be able to help your kid learn a healthier way to handle his anger. So don't wait and don't give up!

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

How to Talk to Kids About the Deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett

2009-06-26T19:04:18Z

Many parents say that explaining death to children is one of the toughest topics. So if you haven't had that talk, are you ready this afternoon? Chances are highly likely that your child will ask you about death -- if not today, then sometime soon. After all, the passing of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett is not only front page news, but also the hot playground topic.

When kids are the ones delivering the news, chances are also high that the facts about death will be wrong. Now is the time to open up the discussion, explain death to your child in terms he understands, and answer any questions. Children's understanding of death differs vastly from adults, so here are a few points to review before you have that conversation.

Describe death in physical terms. Clarify that death means that life stops, the deceased cannot return, and the body is buried: "Farrah Fawcett stopped breathing, eating, walking and so she is no longer feeling pain, worrying or hungry." "Michael Jackson died because his heart stopped beating." Anything less simple and explicit can cause confusion and be misinterpreted by the child.

Be honest, open, and direct. Clear up any misunderstandings about death your child may have. Give the details your child needs to know. Withhold those facts that are not in your child's best interests. If you don't have an answer just admit you don't know.

Be prepared for tough questions. The American Academy of Pediatrics says kids are most likely to ask these five questions: "What is death?" "What made the person die?" "Where is the person now?" "Can it happen to me?" "Who will take care of me?"

Avoid euphemisms. Keep in mind that your child may not grasp the concept of death and take your comments literally. So refrain from statements like: "He is in a deep sleep." "She was laid to rest." "He slipped away." "She is resting peacefully." "She was very sick and the illness made her die." "God took her away." Such comments are often confusing and can cause children worry that the same thing may happen to them as well: ("If I'm sick I may die, too." "If I go to sleep, I will go to heaven.")

Be prepared for tough questions. Michael Jackson was 50 and a father of younger children. Your child may ask: "Will you die?" It's fine for you to answer, "Not for a long time. I'm taking care of myself and I'm just fine."

Your child may ask the same question over and over. That's just how children process information. Encourage those questions and tell your child to come to you anytime. You want this information to come from you so your child gets the right facts about death as well as any other topic. A child's understanding of death varies by different ages and stages.

]]> The Big Book of Parenting Solutions:

Preschool: Think death is only temporary like going to sleep (the dead might or might not wake up after a while). Difficulty separating real from fantasy so they often believe their thoughts or actions may have caused the death (especially if they were "bad). "Wishing hard enough" or "acting right" might bring the deceased back. Abstract concepts such as heaven are difficult to grasp Most assume they personally will not die: it happens only to others.

School Age: Gradually begin to understand death is final (the dead stay dead and aren't just sleeping), but still need perspective. May think of death as a person or ghostly figure such as a clown, shadowy death-man, or skeletal figure. Believe thoughts can make things happen so some see the possibility of escaping from death if they are clever or lucky enough. May fear that death is contagious and other loved ones (themselves included) will "catch it" and die as well. Abstract concepts (heaven, an "after live" and spirituality) are still difficult to comprehend.

Preteens: Ten and up: Most understand that death is an irreversible and inescapable part of life and now aware of the possibility of their own death. More aware how their world will change and impact of losing a loved one has on their future ("Who will go with me to the football banquet?" "Who will walk me down the aisle at my wedding?") Curiosity about the process of death develops and may ask for more specific details such as: "Is the body cold?" "Where does the body go?"

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

What to Do If Your Child Is Seriously Bullied

2009-06-25T15:46:56Z

It's been ten years, but I am still haunted by the memory. It was in Ottawa, Canada. I had just finished giving a keynote address on bullying to a large group of educators in Ottawa. A gentleman was quietly waiting by the stairs to speak with me. As I approached him, he silently handed me a picture of an adorable eleven-year old boy. With tears in his eyes, the man explained that the photo was his son who had hung himself because he was bullied. He said he had to talk to me. He'd listened to my speech and knew that if people had only listened to what I said about bullying, his son would be alive today. He asked me to please keep warning parents of the consequence, and then he hugged me quietly walked away.

I've carried that child's photo in my purse and shared it with hundreds of parents and educators everywhere I speak. It's my reminder that adults need to take bullying far more seriously, tune into our children closer, and step in so a child does not have deal with cold-blooded cruel attacks alone. It has got to stop and it is not.

Studies find that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. And this cruel behavior is only increasing with age. A recent study prepared for the American Psychological Association showed that 80 percent of middle school students admitted to bullying behavior in the prior 30 days. Research shows bullying is escalating and bullies are more likely to be aggressive and could carry a weapon.

There is also another danger as well. The United States Secret Service studied over 30 school shootings. Could they determine a profile of a school shooter? The answer was no, but they did find one commonality: each shooter had been bullied intensely by peers, and no adult ever intervened. Bullied children can become bullies.

So what do you do if your child is repeatedly bullied and your previous efforts fail and worse yet the bullying intensifies? You may have done everything you can to try and help, but the bullying does not stop. Do know that is sadly predictable. Bullying is almost always a repeated behavior. That means once a child is targeted she usually continues to be targeted. If this is your child, you must intervene. A bullied child cannot solve this problem on her own.

Here are nine things to do if your previous efforts fail and bullying intensifies.

]]> 1. Be ready to advocate. If there's ever the possibility your child could be injured--step in. Don't assume this is a "phase" that will go away by itself. If this behavior continues your child needs help and cannot handle this on his or her own.

2. Notify authorities and gather support. Tell those directly responsible for your child (his teacher, coach, pediatrician, day-care worker). A multidisciplinary approach in which all adults in your child's life are involved to find a solution is best. Talk to the school nurse: victims often go to the nurse's office complaining of physical complains as an escape.

3. Mobilize support. Get other parents on board with you. If your child's school is not taking this seriously, go to the superintendent and to the board of education. Don't stop. Keep going up the ladder and takes responsibility. And do not let anyone tell you that bullying can't be prevented. Hogwash! Check out Dan Olweus' research in Norway. Over 650 schools were able to reduce bullying by over 50 percent in three years, which is significant. Worksheets and assemblies don't stop bullying. But systemic change in the school culture and getting everyone on board does.

4. Keep records. You may need proof so keep evidence such as torn clothing, threatening emails, witnesses' names, phone numbers and details.

5. Demand confidentiality. You don't want retaliation. So limit number you tell wherever possible.

6. Expect protection. Get specifics: "What will you do to ensure my child's safety?" If you do not get support go up a level: call the principal, superintendent, school board or the police.

7. No face-to-face contact. Distance your child from the bully: class, lunch, bus, team. Ideally the bully should not come within a certain number of feet of your child. Don't allow a child who is bullied to be put in a "conflict resolution" situation to "air out differences" with a bully. This is not the bullied child's problem nor is it a "conflict." This is cold-blooded, one-way intentional cruelty on the part of the bully.

8. Be prepared for resistance. Don't be surprised if you are told to "toughen your kid up." And don't be shocked if the bully's parent is a bully herself. In a national PTA survey found only one fourth of parents support contacting other parents to deal with bullying. A bully's parent usually denies their kid is guilty and may blame your child as well as feel you are criticizing her parenting. You may need to get an objective outsider like a principal or day care supervisor to mediate. A diplomatic: "I'm concerned about the relationship between our kids" may be your best opener. And if you get a call accusing your kid, listen. He just may be less innocent than you think.

9. Remain vigilant. You may need to change your child's classes, team, or in some cases even schools to protect your kid. You may also need to go to the police and even hire an attorney. Do whatever you must, but advocate for your child's safety.

Repeated bullying causes severe emotional harm and erode your child's fragile self-esteem and cause high levels of emotional distress and loneliness as well as anxiety and depression. If you see these changes happening in your child then do not wait.. Think of the picture of that precious little boy. His father would urge your to call for help.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

10 Ways to Bully-Proof Your Child

2009-06-24T15:07:02Z

If your child is bullied it means that peers are intentionally causing her pain. If this is happening to your child, please know that your son or daughter is not alone. By some estimates, one in seven American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is far more frequent and aggressive than ever before.

While you can't always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. I reviewed hundreds of articles on bullying to find tips to pass onto parents. I also wrote a proposal to end school bullying and violence that became SB1667 and passed into law.

Here are some of those solutions to help your child navigate a vicious social jungle and deal with bullies:

Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school. So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem.

Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.

Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.

]]> Find a supportive companion. Kids who have even one friend to confide in can deal with bullying better than those on their own. Is there one kid your child can pair up with? Is there a teacher, nurse, or neighbor he can go to for support?

Take your child seriously. Reassure your child that you believe him, and stress that you will find a way to keep him safe. 49 percent of kids say they've been bullied at least once or twice during the school term but only 32 percent of their parents believed them.

Determine if it's bullying. Bullying is always intentional, mean-spirited, rarely happens only once and the victim cannot hold his own. It is not teasing. Establish this is bullying then gather the facts to help your kid create a plan to stop it.

Offer specific tips. Most kids can't handle bullying on their own: They need your help, so provide a plan. For instance, if bullying is happening on the bus tell your child to sit behind the bus driver on the left side where the driver can see passengers in the mirror, ask an older kid to "watch out" for your child, or offer to pick your child up from school.

Don't make promises. You may have to protect your child, so make no promises to keep things confidential. You may have to step in and advocate.

Teach assertiveness. Kids who use assertive posture are less likely to be picked on. Stress to your child that he should stand tall and hold his head up to appear more confident and less vulnerable.

Stress: Stay calm. Bullies love knowing they can push other kids' buttons, so tell your child to try to not let his tormentor know he upset you.

Teach a firm voice. Stress to your child that if he needs to respond, simple direct commands work best delivered in a strong determined voice: "No." "Cut it out." "No way." "Back off." Then walk away with shoulders held back.

Get help if needed. Tell your child to walk towards other kids or an adult.

Boost self-confidence. Research finds that arming your child with confidence is one of the best defenses against bullying. A few self-confidence boosters include learning martial arts, boxing, or weight-lifting, finding an avenue--such as a hobby, interest, sport or talent--that she enjoys and can excel, giving her opportunities to solve her problems and speak up for herself.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

How Will the Gosselin Kids Handle Divorce?

2009-06-23T13:52:57Z

So Jon and Kate finally made the big announcement last night and will be going their separate ways. Tweets overloaded, bloggers went into high gear and every talk show host asked the same questions: "Will the show go on?" "How will Kate manage alone?" "Will Jon marry his girlfriend?" "How will they handle the finances?"

But in the next few days and weeks the real focus needs to be on these eight children and helping them cope. After all, one of the most stressful events in a child's life is the news that mom and dad are divorcing--only the death of a parent is ranked higher. And the truth is there is no telling how a family breakup affects a child. Factors involved include: age and gender (adolescents and boys seem to suffer the most), if there are other disruptions such as changes in home or school, the degree they were brought into the conflict, the quality of the relationship they had with each parent, the child's temperament, and the degree of parental conflict before and after the divorce. In this unique situation the media frenzy and hype can only increase anxiety.

There is no predicting how a child will respond to a family breakup, but here are common symptoms to watch for in their children: Five-year-olds often have difficult time expressing concerns about parental conflict divorce so they may be confused and anxious. They sometimes feel responsible and may believe that if they are really good (or stop "misbehaving") their parents will stop fighting. Nightmares, behavioral regressions, anger or defiance are common. Slightly older children may respond with sorrow, embarrassment, resentment, regression or anger and may act out, display regression, clinginess, insecurity or seek a lot of attention.

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Anger: Defiance, uncooperative, refuses to comply, quicker-fuse, impulsivity

Shame: Embarrassment about the divorce, embarrassed to be seen with you

Anxiety: Stress, tension, trouble sleeping, nightmares

Peer interaction: Withdraws from peers, more conflict or retreats to the home of the peer

Self-care: Poor grooming, excessive disorder in a formerly neat bedroom, poor hygiene

Dependence: Clingy, won't let you out of sight, regression

Academic problems: Trouble in school, work or grades decline, trouble focusing

Parent-child conflict: Breakdown of your relationship, blaming or criticizing one parent

Life view: Discontent, feel betrayed, rejection, turns off to the institution of marriage

Low self-esteem: Feeling of worthlessness, comments about being stupid or unimportant

Sadness: A profound sense of loss, cries or sobs frequently, depression

Guilt: Assuming that they or a sibling are to blame for the breakup especially if one child's behavior was a point of contention: "If Kevin behaved better mom and dad wouldn't fight." "They were always unhappy because of me." "If I got better grades they would be happier." Parents need to stress that the kids were not responsible for the separation and that there is nothing they can do to "fix" things and may have to repeatedly assure your kids that your decision is not about them.

The majority of kids view a divorce as the "most devastating event of their childhoods, if not their lives" and say it generates a range of painful emotions from sad, confused, angry, guilty and ashamed. Those raw emotions can easily turn discussions into yelling matches and destroy family relationships. It's why parents are advised to help their kids find healthy ways to release negative feelings. And if things get too tense, they should seek the help of a counselor trained in communication skills.

There's no doubt that this going to be a rough ride for these children, but how Jon and Kate handle this situation now will have a lot to do with how their kids fare both today and tomorrow. The best predictor of how kids cope with the stress of a divorce is the way their parents handle it. It's why And that's the same advice I give to any parent in a hard situation such as this.

Kids are sometimes more apt to talk about their feelings and concerns if they hear a story about someone going through a similar ordeal. Here are books about divorce to use with kids at different stages and ages:

Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families by Laurene Krasney Brown and Marc Brown

It's Not Your Fault, KoKo Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce by Vicky Lansky

The Divorce Helpbook for Kids by Cynthia MacGregor

What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce?: A Survival Guide for Kids by Kent Winchester and Roberta Beyer

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

10 Reasons to Not Spank Your Child

2009-06-19T18:01:44Z

Kate Gosselin of the infamous Jon & Kate Plus 8 was photographed spanking her child. Oh my! I know this is probably "old news"--every media outlet from here to Cape Town probably covered it, but with all the flurry that Kate herself succumbed to that ancient parenting tool, my email box is suddenly loaded with "spanking" queries. It seems good 'ol Mommy Guilt is alive and churning in the U.S.A.

Well, "why not spank?" you wonder. It's quick, it's familiar (at least to parents who were themselves spanked as children) and it usually gets kids to stop the offending behavior-at least temporarily. And data shows 70% of Americans do spank. So let's get two things straight: First, a swat or two is not going to psychologically damage your kid for life. Nor will a spank cause your little munchkin to become the next Hannibal Lecter. Relax.

The key question is whether spanking is really the best discipline method. And here's the research every parents should know: In June 27, 2002 The Associated Press released Columbia University's analysis of six decades of research on corporal punishment. Results linked spanking to ten negative behaviors including aggression, anti-social behavior and mental health problems. Although many parents are unaware of it, continual spanking can have long-term negative effects. Plus it doesn't work that well in stopping bad behaviors. Really. Honest.

Here are ten reasons I'd advise you to consider using another discipline technique other than spanking to curb your kids' bad attitudes or troublesome behaviors:

1. Spanking stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kid doesn't know how to act differently.

2. Spanking teaches the child not how to act right, but how not to get caught when the parent is around. He becomes a champion in manipulation.

3. The child is much more likely to remember the punishment than why he was punished. He behaves out of fear instead of because he wants to act right.

4. It teaches that hitting solves problems. Kids must learn acceptable, nonviolent alternatives to solve problems.

5. Spanking teaches children to behave through "external control" (the punishment). It does not teach kids self-control-or "internal control."

6. Spanking sends a huge mixed message: "It's fine for adults to hit, but not kids."

7. Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.

8. Spanking squelches empathy. Empathy-being considerate to another's needs and feelings-is the cornerstone of moral growth. Studies find that children's empathy is diminished when their parents control their kids through anger.

9. Spanking exposes children to violence. Learning comes through example. Spanking is an aggressive act, showing children their parents acting in an out-of-control manner.

10. Spanking doesn't teach new behavior. Spanking teaches not how to behave right, but how to shout, hit, manipulate, and control others through fear. It also fails to teach a critical discipline lesson: "So why should I behave?"

There are many ways to effectively discipline children without resorting to corporal punishment. Withhold privileges, grounding, assign extra chores, require restitute or use time-out are a few options. The important thing is to set the consequence ahead of time, make it fit the crime, and then carry through with it every time your child misbehaves.

The goal of all discipline is to teach your child to take responsibility for his choices-it's part of helping him grow into a healthy, self-reliant and decent human being.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Is Your Kid Really Ready to Fly Alone?

2009-06-18T13:31:15Z

Thinking of having your kid fly alone to visit someone this summer? After this week's news you just may want to rethink your plans.

It seems yet another unaccompanied minor flying to visit Grandma and Grandpa was someone "misplaced" by an airline and landed in not only in the wrong city, but the wrong state! I'm well aware that airlines frequently misplace luggage (why I've learned long ago to never ever check a bag), but I'm still baffled as to how it is that airplane employees can misplace a ten-year-old child.

In this case Dad did all the "right" things to ensure that his ten-year-old daughter was delivered safely to her grandparents. Dad filled out the required airline paperwork for Continental Airlines, walked his daughter to the gate at Logan International Airport with an airline employee, and even watched his child board the plane while his parents waited patiently at the Cleveland gate for her arrival. Despite all those efforts, the daughter landed in Newark, NJ leaving two grandparents and her dad frantically trying to track her whereabouts for 45 minutes. (Can you imagine the terror?) All because the flight crew of the connecting flight failed to check the young girl's paperwork (which was hanging prominently around her neck) and escorted her to the wrong aircraft.

The good news is that the ten-year-old is safe and sound and with her grandparents. Meanwhile I'm sure most parents hearing this are in full panic mode about letting their kids fly solo anytime in the near future - if ever.

So what 's a parent to do? In divorced families there isn't always an option when it comes to kids visiting their other parent. And spending a summer with grandparents is many a kid's fondest memory. My advice: Don't be too quick to cancel your child's flight reservation --just yet anyway.

I know from personal experience that there are hundreds of kids who fly alone and really do land in the right city. I've also watched dozens of responsible airline employees help kids board planes, review their paperwork, give out individual safety instructions, and firmly let those minors know they are "not to move" until they are personally escorted to the next plane by a designated employee. Still there are always stories like this one that remind us that the unaccompanied minor system is not fail-proof. The parenting solution for this dilemma involves five quick tests to help assess whether your kid is really ready to fly alone in the friendly skies.

]]> 1. Airline Test: Are you clear about the airline policy about unaccompanied minors? Do you know exactly what they will or won't do for your child? Never make assumptions! (I'd still take a marking pen and boldly print my child's destination on that hanging ticket pouch).

2. Responsibility Test: Is your kid responsible enough to fly without you? Can he spend a night away without a problem? Can he carry his backpack, cell phone and spending money on a field trip, play-date or sleepover without losing them? Does he listen and follow directions? Your child's age here isn't nearly as important as his maturity level. I've met seven-year-olds who are far more responsible than many 14-year-olds.

3. Independence Test. Can he entertain himself for a few hours? Can he stay seated for the duration of a flight? Is he capable of asking an adult for help or to use the restroom? Can he be left alone the length of the flight time? Is he assertive enough to speak up and say he getting on is on the wrong plane? Does he feel secure about taking this jaunt?

4. Phone Test. It so happens I'm writing this blog as I'm flying home. So I used the four hours as an opportunity to get the flight attendants' perspective about unaccompanied minors. Their advice: Make sure your child has a cell phone with him, knows how to contact you or his designated pickup and use it in an emergency. Does your child have that skill down pat?

5. Gate Test. Can your child read his destination and gate number on an airline ticket? Can he also read the monitor that lists departures and arrivals and match those to his ticket? Even if you say, "Yes" to all five tests, your child still should have flown in your company until he feels comfortable flying. He should also know how to use the lavatory, seat belt, store items under the seat in front of him and put away and lock his tray. This is when you can teach your child how to check the monitor and find the gate. (Except of course in Atlanta where I'm still having problems). And he should be able to do all those tasks without assistance. Of course flying is much easier when there are no connections. When changing planes is required, the scale of each of these five tests goes up a notch.

So now do you think your kid is still ready to fly alone? (By the way, at what age do you think kids are ready to fly alone?)

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

9 Sure-Fire Ways To Fight the Summer Reading Slump

2009-06-16T18:51:53Z

Are you aware of that kids can lose an upward of three month's worth of reading progress during this summer break? The famous "summer reading slide" is well documented and shows that learning declines in all kids during these lazy, crazy days, but especially in reading. Kent State education professor, Timothy Rasinski , points out that this can mean a loss of one-and-a-half years of reading achievement through the sixth grade!

But don't despair. The reverse is also possible. Reading just a few books before school starts can save kids from the summer reading loss. Studies also show that parents play a crucial role particularly on their older kids' reading attitudes and behaviors, as well as helping to find the right book to capture their interest.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Here are nine parenting solutions to get kids reading, beat that dreaded summer reading slump, and hopefully even rekindle that great love of the printed page.

1. Let them pick. A study by Scholastic found that 89% of kids say their favorite books are the ones they pick. Kids also say a big reason they don't read is that they don't like what we selected for them. So get your child involved in the selection. If he has difficulties finding the right book, talk to a children's librarian, check into a resource on great books kids like to read, or ask other kids for ideas. Or check out iVillage's best series reads for tweens.

2. Find the right level. The big trick is finding reading material appropriate to your child's reading level--not too high or not too low. Check your child's last report card or reading achievement scores, which may give you a clue as to what is appropriate for your kid.

3. Think outside the book. Don't be too picky as to what your kid reads: Cereal boxes, cartoons, the sports page, baseball cards, those new graphic comic book novels are fine. Find what piques your kid's interest. What are his hobbies? What are other kids reading? Remember, the literary merit is trivial--getting your kid to feel comfortable with reading is what matters.

4. Set aside time to read. Kids say the biggest reason they don't read for fun is there isn't just enough time, so carve out a few minutes a day. Hint: Eliminating just one TV show or activity will free up 30 minutes a week to read. Set aside a time where everyone reads and make it a family routine. Encourage your older kid to read to a younger sibling.

]]> 5. Make reading material available. Be sure reading material is easily accessible. Stash books in backpacks, bathrooms, cars or on the dining table for those "just-in-case" lulls. Here's a sure-fire tip: Give your kid the option of doing the dishes or reading the book. I'm betting on the book.

6. Start a summer book club. Find other kids your child can read with or join with a few parents to start a kid-parent book club. Suggest they pick from their required school reading list (check the bottom of your kid's backpack) or allow them to choose their own.

7. Become movie critics. Read a book, and then watch the movie together. (Harry Potter, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or Hatchet are a few favorites). Then become movie critics and debate if the book or movie was better.

8. Read out loud. Around the age of eight is when studies say kids stop reading for enjoyment. It's also the same age we usually stop reading to our kids. So find one book to read out loud this summer. Reading out loud increases comprehension, vocabulary, imagination and attention, but also fond family memories. Consider listening to books on tape during those long car rides. Make sure to keep it fun and set the listening time to your child's attention span.

9. Read together. Dig through the bottom of your kid's backpack for their school required reading list. Then get two copies of each requirement: one for you and the other for your kid. You can each read alone, but it's a great way to open up a dialogue with your child about a great book. J.K. Rowling proved that kids do read, but it certainly didn't hurt that many parents and kids read the series together.

Studies show the more books in your home, the greater the chance your kid will become a reader (as well as obtain higher math, science, civics, and history scores). So dig out that library card. Go to library sales or book fairs. Stop at those garage sales. Subscribe your kid to a magazine. Set up a book exchange with the neighbors. You don't have to break the bank, but do have material available and carve out that time so your child -and you--reads and reads and reads!

Both parents and kids say a big part of the problem is trouble finding enjoyable books. So treat yourself to a great source that listing kids' top reading choices.

Here are a few favorites:

The New Read-aloud Handbook by Jim Trelease
How to Get Your Child to Love Reading by Esme Raji Codell
Best Books for Kids Who (Think They) Hate to Read by Laura Backes
Great Books for Boys or Great Books for Girls by Kathleen Odean
The Mother-Daughter Book Club by Shireen Dodson
The Kids' Book Club Book by Judy Gelman and Vicki Levy Krupp

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Get Your College-Bound Teen Ready for Solo Living

2009-06-15T14:22:52Z

After all the test-taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring and acceptance-waiting, the big event is almost here. Your child will soon be leaving for college. But is your teen really ready to handle life away from home sweet home?

If you've suddenly realized that your same high school grad who passed those SATs with flying colors can't change a light bulb or balance a checkbook, believe me you're not alone. Many parents are dealing with those same anxiety pangs. The good news is there are still a few weeks left before those final goodbyes.

Here are four steps you can use to help your college bound teen really be ready to handle life solo style. Just keep in mind that the move in date is quickly approaching so best to start this one ASAP.

STEP 1: IDENTIFY "AWAY FROM HOME" NEEDS
Over the next days/weeks tune into your teen and determine which life skills he can and can't do without your help. Then create a list of what your teen needs to learn like changing a tire, making a doctor's appointment, using a microwave, paying a bill, using a fire extinguisher, writing down appointments, balancing a savings account or doing laundry. Keep adding to that list of what life skills you think your teen needs for the environment he'll be living in.

STEP 2: MAKE A REALISTIC PLAN
Look over that list and prioritize what your teen really needs to learn and what is realistic to teach in the time you have left. Get your teen involved by asking what she feels she lacks in the "handling life" department. Then use a calendar to create your teaching plan. Write a different life lesson you plan to review before your teen leaves home for each week.

STEP 3: TEACH SKILLS FOR INDEPENDENCE
Zero in on one area each week before those college doors open. The goal is to ensure mastery so your teen can do the task without you. First teach by going through the task together and explaining each step so that she knows what to do. Only use real life examples. For instance, if you're teaching her to write a check, go to the bank and set up a real checking account, then require her to use that checkbook from now until school starts. Finally supervise to ensure that she can handle the job solo.

STEP 4: START BACKING OFF
Once your teen knows how to do the task alone, then back off. No more rescuing. Instead, begin to teach another skills. Your new parenting mantra to follow is: Never do for your child what he can do for himself. This is also the time to slowly start expanding that curfew and his responsibilities.

Of course, the real secret is not waiting until that move out day to teach these critical life lessons. So roll up your sleeves and start in. There's a wonderful Navaho proverb that says, "We raise our kids to leave us." Turn these next weeks in parenting to achieve that goal.

So what are you waiting for? The clock is ticking and the big count down is on. GO!

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

7 Secrets to Nurturing Tolerance in Our Kids

2009-06-11T17:51:59Z

A Response to the Tragic Holocaust Museum Shooting

I'm sure you read the news about how a man opened fire with a rifle inside the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum packed with children killing a security guard. Law enforcement officers identified the suspect as James Wenneker von Brunn, an 88 year-old white supremacist and author of the book, "Kill the Best Gentiles." According to FBI statistics, 7,624 hate crime incidents were reported in 2007. The Southern Poverty Law Center reports that those stats are "severely flawed" and much higher. But here' the real cause for alarm...

Did you know that today's American youth are displaying intolerant actions at alarming rates-and at younger and younger ages? The FBI tells us most hate crimes are committed by youth younger than nineteen.

Remember: Kids aren't born hateful and prejudices are learned. Hatred and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy and tolerance. If today's children are to have any chance of living harmoniously in this multi-ethnic world, it is critical that parents nurture it. Here are seven parenting solutions you can use that help curtail bigotry while at the same time influence your kids to treat others with respect and understanding.

1. Confront your own prejudices. The first step to nurturing tolerance is to examine your own prejudices and reflect on how you might be projecting those ideas to your child. Chances are that you are communicating those attitudes to your child. Make a conscious attempt to temper them so that they don't become your child's prejudices.

2. Commit to raising a tolerant child. Parents who think through how they want their kids to turn out usually succeed simply because they planned their parenting efforts. So if you really want your child to respect diversity, you must adopt a conviction early on to raise him to do so. Once your child knows your expectations, he will be more likely to embrace your principles.

3. Refuse to allow discriminatory comments. When you hear prejudicial comments, verbalize your displeasure. How you respond sends a clear message to your child about your values: "That's disrespectful and I won't allow such things to be said in my house," or "That's a biased comment, and I don't want to hear it." Your child needs to hear your discomfort so that she knows you really walk your talk. It also models a response she should imitate if prejudicial comments are made in her presence.

]]> 4. Embrace diversity. From a young age, expose your child to positive images-including toys, music, literature, videos, public role models and examples from TV or newspaper reports-that represent a variety of ethnic groups. Encourage your child, no matter how young, to have contact with individuals of different races, religions, cultures, genders, abilities and beliefs. The more your child sees how you embrace diversity, the more prone he'll be to follow your standards.

5. Emphasize similarities. Encourage your child to look for what he has in common with others instead of how he is different. Any time your child points out how she is different from someone, you might say. "There are lots of ways you are different from other people. Now let's try to think of ways you are the same." Help him see how similarities outweigh differences.

6. Counter discriminatory beliefs. When you hear a child make a prejudicial comment, listen to find out why he feels the way he does. Then gently challenge his views and point out why they are incorrect. For example if your child says, "Homeless people should get jobs and sleep in their own houses." You might counter: "There are many reasons homeless people don't work or have houses. They may be ill or can't find jobs. Houses cost money, and not everyone can pay for one."

7. Live your life as an example of tolerance. The best way for your child to learn tolerance is for him to watch and listen to your daily example. So ask yourself each day one critical question: "If my child had only my behavior to copy, would he be witnessing an example of what I want him to emulate?" Make sure you are walking your talk.

Hatred, bigotry, prejudice, and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and tolerance. Although it's certainly never too late to begin, the sooner we start nurturing tolerance in our children, the better the chance we have of preventing insidious, intolerant attitudes from taking hold. There has never been a time when it is most important to do so than now.

Parenting Solution: The best secret to teaching our children tolerance is not through out lectures but through our example. So be a living textbook of tolerance for your child to copy. It's also the best way we have to create a peaceful world for our children.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

'Boyology: A Teen Girls' Crash Course in All Things Boys'

2009-06-02T17:39:23Z

Let's face it, most parents are traumatized by the idea of dating and teens. That's why I love Sarah O'Leary Burningham's great new book, Boyology.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Though written as a crash course for girls about dating, it's a great source to help parents understand that dating can be unsettling for teens, too. The book is filled with stories from real teen stories across the country, and gives parents an insider's look at what their teens are experiencing and thinking.

It also will help parents get back in to the teen frame of mind, so they can remember how they felt about their first crush or getting dumped, and better relate to what their kids are going through.

Here a few take aways from Boyology:

Don't encourage pairing up too soon. A safer approach is to ease your teen into the dating scene by first sticking with groups (which is "in" these days - yes!). So open your home so teens have safe turf. You'll get to know your daughter's friends and boyfriends, and keep an eye on things. It's ok to check every once in a while but there's a fine line between being there and actually hanging out with the kids.

Insist on a meet and greet. Once your teen is dating do insist on personally meeting each first date and ideally in your home. Though most parents-especially dads-would like to curtail dating until around 35 the average age is 15 or 16 though many start dating as young as 13 or 14. The actual age isn't the issue: a teen's maturity level and self-esteem (especially a girls) matter more.

Talk R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Discuss appropriate dating behavior and how dates should treat each other.

Set a curfew that must be followed. A brief one-liner in front of the date is sufficient. You should talk about curfew BEFORE he comes to get her and then all you have to do is tell him "Kelly's planning to be home at 11." And if it's a special date or the prom, consider extending the curfew (trustworthy teens need a few perks!)

Stress that No means NO! Most important do stress in your daughter that NO means NO! Then review when and where they are going with the date. This is the one time to let your kid borrow a cell phone for "just in case" scenarios.

Be her excuse. A lot of the teenagers I interviewed used their parents as excuses to get out of uncomfortable situations, from just wanting to go home to having a weird feeling.

Be there when she gets home. Your teenager counts on you. She might not act like it all the time, but she does.

Know your influence. Don't underestimate how much your opinion about sex matters. Studies show that daughters whose moms talk with them about sex and express disapproval over their teen's having sex are much less likely to have sex than peers. So TALK! (and talk and talk).

You can click here to buy Sarah O'Leary Burningham's book Boyology today.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

'Jon & Kate Plus 8': What About the Kids?

2009-06-02T15:23:06Z

However your feelings about Jon & Kate Plus 8 my concerns are with their kids. It's obvious that all is not well the Gosselin marriage. And both partners readily admit that their relationship is at a crossroads. While viewers sense their tension they may be unaware of how it is trickling down to the kids.

Watch the segment from TODAY

One of the most stressful events in a child's life is the news that mom and dad are breaking up-- only the death of a parent is ranked higher. Add being a multiple, camera crews invading your home 24-7, and the paparazzi (or "p people" as Kate calls them) camped outside your doorstep following your every move, and we can imagine the stress on these eight little faces.

So what are some ways parents in turmoil can help their kids? Research shows ongoing positive involvement[i] is the best way to help kids adjust. Here are some ways to help kids cope:

Get a handle on their life. The best predictor of how kids cope with the stress of a family breakup is the way their parents handle it. In a crisis, kids take cues from their parents so it's essential that Jon and Kate take care of themselves so they can better able to take care of their kids.

Keep the kids as the main focus. In any crisis, parents must be emotionally and physically available and offer their kids lots of cuddles, attention and reassurance. I'd strongly recommend cutting those book signings, extra speeches and any media ops. These kids need their parents present and accountable.

Clue the kids into what's going on. Children are always more perceptive than we give them credit for. These kids know something is up and deserve to hear from their parents what is happening and not to do so only fuels a child's anxiety. That explanation should be delivered by jointly by Jon and Kate in a calm manner tailored to their children's ages. "We know you've heard Mommy and Daddy fighting so let's talk about what's happening." "We love you very much and will help you get through this together." Too much information is confusing for younger children. If they've decided to separate than just a simple, "Mommy and Daddy are going to live in different houses so we don't fight so much." Or if parents are uncertain of their decision: "We don't know what will happen, but Daddy and Mommy are trying to work things out. So if you have questions, come and ask." The goal is to keep the emphasis on "we." "We will always be there for you." "We love you very much."

Reassure the kids that they are not to blame. Children often assume that they are to blame for a breakup and usually need repeated assurance. Kate and Jon must be clear that the children are not responsible for their conflicts and that there is nothing the kids can do to "fix" things.

Keep an eye on the children. There is no predicting how a child will respond to a family breakup, but here are common symptoms to watch for in their children: Five year olds often have difficult time expressing concerns about parental conflict divorce so they may be confused and anxious. They sometimes feel responsible and may believe that if they are really good (or stop "misbehaving") their parents will stop fighting. Nightmares, behavioral regressions, anger, or defiance are common. Slightly older children may respond with sorrow, embarrassment, resentment, regression, or anger and may act out, display regression, clinginess, insecurity or seek a lot of attention. How divorce will impacts a child depends on many factors including: age and gender, if there are other disruptions such as changes in home or school, the degree they were brought into the conflict, the quality of the relationship they had with each parent, the child's temperament, and the degree of parental conflict before and after the divorce.

Emphasize stability and warmth. The American Psychological Association combed dozens of studies and found that key factors that contribute to healthier adjustment[ii] for children during and after a family breakup include appropriate parenting, disciplining authoritatively, providing emotional support, monitoring children's activities, and maintaining age-appropriate expectations. So whatever the outcome of Jon and Kate's marriage, their focus needs now needs to be in creating a home environment of warmth, structure and consistency for their children--regardless of whether two or one parent live in that home.

Stay civil! Bickering is always difficult on kids--especially when there are cameras watching your every move and your house has been turned into a movie set. The best advice for any parents with marital troubles is to avoid arguing in front of the kid and not bad mouth the other parent.

Connect with grandparents. Find support systems for the children. A famous 25-year study of children of divorce found that a key factor[iii] that helped them fare better before, during and after the family breakup was if their grandparents provided support and stability.

Remember, most research finds it's the quality of the parents' relationship with the children that matters most in how kids fare --- not the quality of the parents relationship with each other.

[i] Ongoing positive involvement in the best way to create a healthy adjustment: Robert Bauserman, "Child Adjustment in Joint-Custody Versus Sole-Custody Arrangements: A Meta-Analytic Review, Journal of Family Psychology, 2002, Vol 16, No1, 11, 102.

[ii] Key factors for healthier kid adjustment: American Psychological Association: "Briefing Sheet: An Overview of the Psychological Literature on the Effects of Divorce on Children," Washington, D.C. May 2004 http;//www.apa.org/ppo/ssues/divorcechild.html

[iii] Critical role of grandparents during the divorce and years to follow: Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study, New York: Hyperion, 2001.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

10 Ways to Help Your Overweight Child

2009-05-29T13:36:07Z

Did you know that almost one third of American kids and teens are considered either overweight or obese? We've read all the warnings that the long-term consequences of obesity are very serious. Not only does that child have much higher likelihood of having a hypertension, stroke, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, asthma, and sleep apnea, but he also faces higher rates of peer rejection, low self-esteem, and depression.

Of course we know that we need to help that child lose weight and eat healthier, but what is a parent to do if only one child in the family is overweight? Do you single out just the overweight child or put everyone on a diet? How do you handle the inevitable sibling resentment ("Why does she get to have a soda and I can't"?) Do you serve the overweight kid carrots while the other gets Twinkies? Those are the questions I was asked by a mother of two tween-aged daughters: One thin and the other overweight. The "overweight issue" was causing family life to no longer feel like Home Sweet Home.

Here are the parenting solutions I shared to help this family not only one member shed weight but bring them closer together:

1. Start teaching healthier habits now. Young girls are more likely to become overweight in the ages of 9 to 12 than in their teens so the best time to focus on healthy eating habits is sooner than later. These are also the years to help children develop more sensible eating habits, becoming involved in learning how to choose food wisely, get adequate exercise so they learn lifelong habits. Don't wait!

2. Boost self-esteem. Your role is not only to help an overweight child control her weight and learn healthier eating habits, but also help her feel accepted and loved for who she is and not for the size you hope she becomes. Don't overlook the possibility that there may be an emotional trigger to your child's overeating--a distressing issue or a need for attention.

3. Don't nag about weight! Studies show that for both genders, being encouraged to diet by a parent roughly triples the likelihood of the child still overweight five years later. So switch your focus from calories, diet, or dress size to food choices, eating habits and exercise.

4. Don't compare. A key parenting commandment is: "Thou shall not compare." Doing so only increases sibling resentment especially when it comes to dress size and weight.

5. Find each child's unique strength. Any family with more than one kid is bound to have one who excels over the other be it in sports, school, music, the friendship arena, etc. The trick is to find a legitimate and unique strength for each sibling so each has a chance to shine.

6. Hide that scale. Constant emphasis on weight only boosts sibling rivalry and will backfire. A study of more than 2000 teens, who weighed themselves frequently, found that instead of losing weight, they gained nearly twice as much as those kids who didn't weigh in.

7. Aim for more relaxed family meals. Halting the talk about food actually helps kids eat more vegetables and develop more positive attitudes about food. And it makes for happier family memories. So focus on family members around the dining table and not on food.

8. Change your entire family's eating habits. Change is more likely if the whole family eats the same healthy foods. So switch your emphasis from "calories" to a "healthier life style." Start by trashing the junk food and stocking the fridge with healthier foods. Limit fast-food intake as a family. Involve your kids in meal planning.

9. Get active as a family! One study found that overweight kids who lost weight were successful because they participated in vigorous physical activity. So find an active hobby you can do together as a family. A mother-daughter exercise club, buy pedometers for family walks, or try an exer-gaming system. Research finds that activity-oriented video games that require kids to walk on a treadmill while dancing, kicking and dodging triples the energy expenditure of mildly obese kids.

10. Limit TV time. One study found that the single most influential factor that helps kids lose weight is reduced TV viewing time.

The Key Parenting Solution: Research finds that the most effective weight loss problems involve the whole family in diet change, developing an exercise plan and setting more realistic goals. The trick is to learn the new habits together instead of singling out the overweight member. The result: less sibling resentment, better family memories and a great likelihood of adopting healthy eating habits that will last a lifetime. Not only will it help your kid grow to be healthier, but also happier, emotionally healthier and even do better in school. So what are you waiting for?

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Tips for the Tyson Family: How to Help A Young Child Grieve

2009-05-27T20:04:48Z

I'm sure your reaction to the death of former heavyweight world champion Mike Tyson's four-year old daughter was the same as mine: just profound sadness. But for her seven-year-old brother to find his little sister with an exercise cord from the treadmill wrapped around her neck is absolutely horrific! We know that the death of a loved one is one of the most stressful events that a youngster can ever face, and even more so when it's a violent death.

Late-breaking research reveals that certain parenting techniques will help youngsters deal with profound loss as well as regain hope for their future. How parents respond can have a powerful impact on the child's emotional health and life outlook. Here are some suggestions for the Tyson family, with points every parent should consider if someone especially close to your child dies.

Give permission to grieve. Let your child know that his emotions are normal. Accept his regressions or emotional outbursts. Agree that losing a loved one is not fair. Affirm that crying and sadness or any other emotion are all part of grieving and that it may take some time for him to feel happy or like his old self again.

Don't hide your feelings. It's okay to show sadness, shock, and anger and express how you feel. Shed your tears but remember that your child is also looking to you to help guide him through the process. You might also share your memories with pictures[i] and stories about the loved one. Research shows that doing this can help reduce your child's sense of isolation.

Be supportive. Don't assume your child can deal with grief without help and support. Be lavish with your hugs and your love. This is a tough time for both of you. Let your child know that you're available for anything he needs.

Encourage expressive experiences. Many kids have trouble verbalizing their feelings about death and loss. Think about providing an outlet for your child that helps her express her grief. Younger children might draw or paint their intense feelings; older children may wish to write their feelings in a diary, journal or notebook or even compose a letter to the deceased expressing things she never got to say.

Suggest positive outlets for the grief. Some families help their child start a memorial fund or activity to honor their loved one. Others find some kind of healthy physical activity that your child can do to work off tension and sadness: bike ride, jog, do yoga, shoot baskets, visit a friend or have a friend over to play.

Keep to normal routines whenever possible. Routines and rituals, especially during times of trauma, create security for children. Whenever possible keep some semblance of the child's normal schedule intact (bedtime, evening meals, etc.).

Pass on your religious or cultural customs. Whether your custom is to light a candle, say a rosary, sit on a hard stool to receive mourning visitors' condolences, offer special prayers, or go to a religious service, teach them to your child and do them together. Doing this can be comforting - and a way to help your child learn a lifelong coping strategy.

Monitor your child closely. Watch her to ensure that there is a gradual diminishment of grief. An absence of grief after only a short time probably isn't authentic or healthy. And if some form of the grief continues to affect her daily life or if the child has trouble eating, concentrating, sleeping, or appears depressed, please seek the help of a mental health professional. Also note that some symptoms of grief can continue or re-emerge after many weeks and even months.

Take care of yourself. Your child needs you or some other adult to help guide him through the process. If the deceased was close to you -- your spouse, child or parent -- you may wish to consider seeking counseling for yourself. You don't want your child to worry about you as well.

My thoughts and prayers go to the Tyson family.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

6 Ways to Get Kids Into the Spelling Bee Spirit

2009-05-27T01:28:03Z

The Scripps National Spelling Bee is upon us again, and I'm hoping you can share this learning experience with your kids. It's a great opportunity for them to witness tenacity, learn vocabulary and even observe different learning styles!

Tell your kid to watch 13-year-old Kavya Shivashankar use her index finger to write her words on her palm before she gives her answer. There is your teachable moment to help your child identify what helps him learn his school spelling words.

Here are a few other fun ideas to capture the spelling bee spirit both before and after the competition. Some of these I've adapted from suggestions straight from the National Spelling Bee.

Tune into updated competition results at SpellingBee.com and at twitter.com/scrippsbee.

Link onto www.spellingbee.com/sample-test to check your spelling skills as a family with words from the 2008 preliminaries.

Host a spelling bee party at your house tonight or tomorrow (or TiVo the event so kids can view it on the weekends).

Keep the spelling bee momentum going after Thursday's competition by setting out your Scrabble or Bananagrams to play as a family.

Hang up a piece paper to add a new spelling or vocabulary words. Set a vocabulary book on your dining table to learn a word a day as a family. Or subscribe free to the Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day.

Watch Akeelah and the Bee or the documentary Spellbound with your older kids on your family movie night.

This is one television event I'd hope every American kid watches. Make sure you have your Webster's dictionary handy because you and the kids may need to look up some of these words. (For starters try "Weissnichtwo" or "humuhumunukunukuapuaa." I had to check that one three times just to make sure I put all the letters in the right spot, and I had the correct spelling in front of me!)

Children need to recognize that a key reason those 293 spelling bee champs made it to Washington DC was due to the hours and hours of practicing and extraordinary tenacity. Each contestant studied over 472,000 words in the official spelling bee dictionary. Amazing, eh? No wonder we're cheering these kids on!

P.S. In case you're wondering, a humuhumunukunukuapuaa is a small Hawaiian triggerfish. Weissnichtwo means an indefinite, unknown or imaginary place. They were voted as this year's contestants' favorite words. What can I say?

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.