iVillage - Michele Borba Parenting Secrets

Q&A: Teenage Friends & Driving

2008-05-23T18:00:00Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

For the last several years my son has been hanging out with a boy in the neighborhood that is 2 years older than he is. They have always just played basketball, ridden 4 wheelers and participated in sports together. My son is now 14 and is in the 7th grade and the boy he hangs out with is 16 and in the 10th grade. His friend just got his driver's license and my son wants to ride in the car with him. Although they are only 2 years apart in age, they are 3 years apart in grade. He can't understand why his Dad and I won't let him ride in the car with his friend and why we don't think it is appropriate for him to be in 10th grade social activities. They are both good kids who do not get into any trouble which makes it more difficult to explain to him why he can't do this. Any suggestions?
--Elizabeth

I can see your dilemma and understand your concern about your son driving in a car with an inexperienced driver. I can also see why your son is having a tough time buying into your decision. The problem is he’s a good kid and he’s been friends with this boy for while, and they’re never in trouble. (Everyone should have such problems eh?) The boys have shared a lot of memories and interests together. So telling your son he can’t hang around with this kid now—after all this time together—is going to be a hard sale. Their “two year” age difference isn’t going to fly with your kid.

But you still have big time grounds as to why you should not let your son drive in the car with his friend who just got his driver’s license. Here’s your argument, Mom:

This year the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia revealed disturbing study results after analyzing hundreds of data on kids and driving:

Car crashes are the leading cause of death for tweens and teens.
Nearly 10,000 youths have died as passengers in car crashes. Of those crashes, 54% were riding with a teen driver.
The most dangerous driving circumstances for youth are driving with inexperienced, than-a-year-male drivers on high-speed roads.
Most crashes happen from 6am to 10pm.

“Safety” (and your child’s life) is the reason you Do NOT let your son drive with his friend—or any other kid who has less than a year’s driving experience. Make that your basic house rule regardless of who the other driver is and stick to the safety rule.

I predict the three-year grade spread difference is going to pull these two kids apart over the next year. But meanwhile use the summer as an opportunity to look for avenues that will help your son find other friends. A camp? Another sport? Inviting other kids over?

One hint: Teens find friends based on the “similarity principle” (the other kid shares the same interests and values, which is probably why your son is so attracted to his older friend). The trick is to figure out your son’s natural passions and interests and find kids (or activities) who are similar.

Meanwhile, stick to your guns. Don’t let your son get in the car with a new driver. California (where I live) passed a law that a new licensed driver may not have a passenger who is not related to him for several months.

I’ll add a personal note to this: Over the past years I’ve had five friends living in different parts of the country lose their incredible, loving, good and glorious sons to driving accidents. No parent should have to endure such a loss.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.

Q&A: When Discipline Is Too Strict

2008-05-05T21:00:00Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along but I feel as though my boyfriend doesnt have that same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son... Especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. Cannot color, cannot read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the tv he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying... My son is a good kid, he doesnt misbehave, doesnt have fights in school, he doesnt talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesnt focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is; Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe alittle and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.
--Jessica Diaz

I read your note and am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severly damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.

Your boyfriend is threatening to your child ("I will hit you.") The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week - and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)

Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple" - it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "Forgive and Forget." The parent and child relationship remains entact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that is fair and reasonable.

PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being. I am also concerned about you. Are you safe? Are you being threatened? Do not show this note to your boyfriend if you feel at all threatened. Probably best not to anyway. Get help. If you need to know what to do next, please write me again and I'll direct you further. I cannot stress the long-term affect how your child is being treated will have on his life.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

Are You (And Your Kids) Ready For Summer Vacation?

2008-04-28T19:16:03Z

Summer is just around the corner and that can mean new challenges for parents! Many parents are faced with new issues as school lets out. From what to do with your kids while you're at work to keeping them busy without school, there are lots of issues that come up during the summer months.

Should they go to a summer camp?
How early should they play sports?
Are they old enough for swimming lessons?
How can you keep them un-bored during time off?
Are there ways to keep their minds sharp while school is out?

I want to hear YOUR questions about summer parenting for an upcoming segment on NBC's Today show. Leave your biggest parenting query as a comment below and your question may be answered here on the blog or live on the Today show!

What do you do with your kids during the summer months?

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions.

Q&A: Handling Tantrums

2008-04-28T16:00:00Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

How do i stop my 2 year old tantrums? She likes to scream, get on the floor, the whole works. In public it is hard to deal with. What do I do to train her not do deal with her frustrations in this way?
--Anna

My 6 year old daughter has some annoying habits. If things aren't going her way she gets the worst attitude. One that sometimes includes refusing to do things and having temper tantrums.What do I do?
--Chrissy Mealy

Ahha! Tantrums!!! Rest assured this is one of the most annoying kid behaviors. I get more questions about tantrums then just about any other topic. But there is one huge parenting secret: A tantrum is a device kids use to get what they want because they've learned it works. The secret to stopping them is don't ever give in to the outburst. That said, here are a few tips to start reducing those tantrums.

Step 1. Anticipate the Tantrum to Prevent the Outburst
The biggest mistake we make is waiting until our kids are in full meltdown to deal with their out-of-control behavior. Your best bet is to anticipate its onset before the explosion. Watch for your child's unique tantrum pre-signs-tension, antsy, the first whimper-and immediately redirect his behavior: “Look, at that little boy over there.” “Want to get out of the stroller and push it with Mommy?” Sometimes it helps pointing out your kid's frustration signs: “Looks like you're getting tired. Let's take a walk.” Little tykes don't yet have the maturity to gauge their emotions, so you'll need to be their self-regulator at first. If you see your youngster getting frustrated, that's the time to try calming down techniques to help her stay in control. Get eye to eye and talk soothingly to her: rub her back, hold her gently or hum a relaxing song. Sometimes putting what your child feels into words can stop an explosion: “Waiting is hard, especially when you want to go home right this minute.” She might not have the language to express his frustrations, so hearing you say them can be reassuring. Once you figure out what works best for your child's temperament, use it quickly. Kids' behavior can turn into a full-blown tornado in record time.

Step 2. Set a Zero Tolerance Policy for Tantrums
Once your child explodes, absolutely refuse to interact with your child until the tantrum subsides. She needs to know this behavior will not be tolerated. Don't coax, yell, spank, or try to reason with your kid: it usually never works. Besides, she won't hear you above her screams. Do not respond in any way. Don't even make eye contact. It's sometimes necessary to gently hold a really out-of-control kid to keep him from hurting himself or others, but once he's at a safer point, go about your business.

Step 3. Consistently Use the 'No Tantrum' Policy Everywhere
Once your establish your behavior policy, it's critical that you use the same response every time she acts out so he knows you mean business. That also means when you're in public. Remove your kid from the scene: find a private area or go to the car until she acts right, or leave altogether. Yep, it's inconvenient, but you can't tolerate her inappropriate behavior. Consistency is critical in squelching out-of-control behaviors.

Step 4. Teach Positive Alternatives to Losing Control
When you're both calm, talk about appropriate ways to handle frustrations. Teach her a few feeling words--such as angry, mad, sad, tired or frustrated--then encourage him label how he feels: “I'm mad” or “I feel really cranky.” Though tantrums are never pleasant, you can use them to teach important lessons on communicating needs and handling frustrations appropriately.

Step 5. For Kid OLDER Than Three
The best consequence for persistent tantrums is time out but it generally isn't advisable until around 3 years old. Handle the tantrum the minute it occurs-don't wait to deal with it later. Calmly move your kid to a secluded spot or selected “time out” area. Make sure no TV, toys, or other kids are around. The time out is one minute per age of the child--and time starts once the child is CALM. This must be enforced everyplace and anytime. You should see a gradual diminishment in the behavior. Gradual. BE CONSISTENT.

Hang tough Moms!

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

Sanity savers for raising teens

2008-04-24T23:15:07Z

Let's face it, parenting a teen is sometimes like walking through a minefield. They're usually moody, stressed and sleep deprived. Then add those hormones kicking in and it's enough to throw up your hands. Well, don't. Teens do need your connection. And they desperately need guidance. The secret is picking your battles and upgrading your strategies. After all, almost eight tenths of their childhood is over. In a few years--or months--they'll be gone. Watch the segment from TODAY

Meanwhile here are a few of the key tips to help you and your teen survive one of the most important periods of your child's life.

1. Know Thyself. Take a moment to think through what you really stand for and identify the values that matter most to you and your family. Ask yourself: when your teen leaves the nest what values do you want her to take with her. Those are your nonnegotiables. Those issues are the ones to talk about most. Those are also ones she is most likely to adopt

2. Stick to That Curfew. I'm a firm believer in curfews for three reasons:

Teens need an excuse (mom will ground me for life if I don't get home).
They need sleep and if they stay out too late on a weekend they're jet-lagged and worthless in that classroom the next days.
It will help reduce risks.

Teens brains need an external regular. Let it be you. Create curfews in phases -- early teens don't need to stay out past ten. Then mid-teen, go for eleven, until a teen can finally demonstrate the responsibility to stay out to twelve.

Then set two key rules:

You must know where your child is going and who he is with at all times.
Your child must check in with you when home. (And then after you hug him check his eyes and smelll his breath)

3. Don't Worry Too Much About Clothes. Teens want and need to develop their own identity and fit in One way to do so is through their clothing. So establish what you absolutely won't tolerate your kid wearing in public (please read the school handbook and adhere to those rules). Do talk about "image" and how it does matter. Don't use the word "reputation.". Teens generally hate it. For what they're worth, here are my Three B Rules for clothing that seem to cover the basics: No bottoms, boobs or belly buttons may show in the clothing you wear. It's clear and helps beat the "street walker" look and reduces battles. Use them if you like.

4. Privacy. This is always an issue with parents. We have that secret deep fear that our kids may turn out like the next Columbine killers. But here's'the problem: teens need their privacy. Just as you're not going to share everything, nor will they. Nor should they. They are struggling to find independence and identity. So my basic rule is let your child know you will honor that privacy. No reading her diary or going through her drawers. Or eavesdropping on a conversation. Those rules are immediately broken if you have any founded concern (that means probable cause) that your child's' safety is in jeopardy. That means drugs, illegal activities, or suicidal thoughts. Be concerned if your teen becomes suddenly secretive or withdrawn or shows unusual amunts of anger or aggression. Pick the locks and strip search the room. You could be dealing with a life and death issue.

Of course we love our kids and worry. But we also have to keep a little perspective here. Study after study proves that the best protective action you can take as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open with your child. Studies also show that parents who are most successful at raising kids who have strong identity, self-control, self-esteem and character are parents who provide less permissive environments. Those rules do matter.

The vast majority of our teens turn out just fine, thank you. The path to getting there isn't always smooth, but stay the course. Don't give up. Stick to what matters most. And if you do need help, pick up the phone!

All the best!

Michele Borba

10 Behavior Principles Parents Need To Know

2008-04-24T16:07:01Z

The most common questions I am asked by parents regards discipline include, "What's the best way to change my child's behavior?" "Why does he keep misbehaving?" and "How harsh do you have to be?"

While I will keep answering the individual questions you post, I want to also give you a list of 10 behavior principles. Here is your crash course in Behavior Makeovers 101 from one of my books, No More Misbehavin'. I hope they help. If you have a question of your own please click here and leave a comment and it may be answered right here on my blog.

10 Behavior Principles Parents Need To Know

Most behaviors...

Are learned. Some behaviors may be influenced by biological factors, but most are learned. For instance, the shy kid can learn social skills to become more confident in groups; the aggressive kid can learn anger management skills; the impulsive kid can learn skills and techniques to stop and think before he acts.

Can be changed. Most behaviors can be changed by using proven research-based techniques.

Need intervention. Don't expect your kid to change on his own. His behavior will most likely only get worse without your intervention. Also, don't think poor behavior is “just a fad that he'll outgrow.” You're just providing more time for your kid's bad behavior to become a habit. And then it will be even tougher to change.

Take time to change. Behavior change takes time. Don't think your thirty-minute Saturday night lecture to make more than a dent in your kid's behavior on Sunday. Give you and your kid time. Remember, new behavior habits generally take a minimum of 21-days of repetition.

Require commitment. Long-term commitment is necessary for any meaningful and permanent change. There's no getting around it: parenting is tough work.

Must have a substitute. No behavior will change permanently unless you teach your kid another behavior to replace it. Think about it: if you tell your kid to stop doing one behavior, what will he do instead? Without a substitute behavior, chances are he'll revert to using the old misbehavior.

Require a good example. Behaviors are learned best by seeing it done right. So make sure your behaviors or examples you provide are ones that you want your kid to emulate. I call that the “Boomerang Effect”: what you throw out to your kid is like a boomerang that comes back to hit you in the face.

Demand practice. Behavior change requires practice. You'd never tell a kid to go out to throw a pass at a game by just handing him a football when the game is just starting. You would first have helped him practice for weeks before that. The same is true for learning any new behavior, so practice, practice, practice until he can do the new behavior on his own.

Benefit from encouragement. Encourage every step along the way. The willingness to try, the first efforts and small successes, the recoveries from setbacks to the maximum amount of improvement. Behavior change is hard and deserves to be encouraged, acknowledged and celebrated.

Are never too late to change. Even if the problem has been going on a long time, don't despair. Help is on the way.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

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Q&A: The Secrets Of Effective Discipline

2008-04-21T16:47:34Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I am divorced with three kids, ages 3, 5, 7. I have been dating a man for about eight months and we live together. He gives me a hard time, saying that I don't know how to take care of my kids every time they act up even the slightest bit. I do timeouts, I have a "tally" system to reward their good behavior and help control their naughty behavior and try to do everything I can to raise my kids right. However, he is constantly telling me that I don't make my timeouts long enough (I go by their age- 3 minutes for the 3-year-old, etc.) and that I'm too lenient with their discipline. He tells me that I need to take parenting classes even though he's never been around children before mine. Am I really too lenient? Should I be doing more? Or is there a way for me to show him that I'm doing it the best I can and he's the one that needs to get more experience, without causing a fight between us? For the record, I get compliments about my kids from everyone else; people always compliment me about how well they behave.
-- Krista

There are two secrets of good discipline: it should be EASY and EFFECTIVE. It need not be harsh (nor should it) to get results. But it always should be dealt in a calm and consistent manner.

Each parent is going to vary his or her approach (which is fine) because you need to find the approach that works best for you and your child.

And there is one test to see if the discipline is effective: Is the child learning from the discipline so the inappropriate behavior is decreasing?

Reread the letter you wrote me. I see all of those elements of effective discipline.

You found what works for you and it seems easy enough.
You are consistent in your attempt to raise good kids.
You are not too harsh. In fact the time out length (one minute per age of the child) is appropriate.
You are also reinforcing good behavior with a system you find effective for you.
And -- best yet--your discipline is effective!!! If you are getting compliments from other parents that your kids are well-behaved then you get the gold ring.

So no, Mom, I do not think you need to go to a parenting class. My only concern is that you and your boyfriend are clearly not on the same page or philosophy when it comes to parenting. If you wanted to do a parenting class you might consider taking one together.

Mothering is hard enough but if you're always being told that your approach is inadequate it will take a toll on your self-esteem. Don't let it, Krista. Stay true to your instincts--they're sound and your kids will benefit.

The one true gauge of good parenting is: "Do my kids act right without me?" You're headed on the right course. Stay the path!

All the best,

Michele Borba

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.

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Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

Q&A: Letting 15-Year-Old Daughter Date 18-Year-Old?

2008-04-18T17:28:39Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have a daughter who just recently turned 15 and wants to date a boy who is 18 years old, going to college, and has a car. My sister, who is a police officer, says I shouldn't let them date, but I don't seem to think it's such a bad thing to let her date a college boy. He comes from a very good family and wealthy, too. Should I let her go out with the boy or not? Please tell me what to do, because all my family has made such a big issue over it and now my sister is barely talking to us.
-- Mom

Letting your 15-year-old daughter date an 18-year-old college student just spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Here's why I say no.

A three year age spead is way too broad at this point of your child's life . Your daughter is still a kid. An 18-year-old college student is now a man. High school is history. He's already done the light-weight dating scene stuff. Your daughter is just starting. Let's take a reality check: Most guys have their first sexual encounter at 16 or 17 (if not before). Are you reading between the lines, Mom? This will instantly fast-forward your daughter. Enough on that one. There is a huge (huge) consequence here.
She will miss the high school experience. He's done that. What 18-year-old is going to want to hang around with her friends? I'd be concerned if he did. These years can never be redone. Games. Dances. Hanging out with other kids. Learning about life . You'll be pushing her three years ahead to a very different scene -- college. Do you want that? If so, why?
The car. That should say it all. 15-year-olds don't drive (in most states). They hang out. Their parents drive them. Once that car scene enters the picture your control is over. Seriously.
Your rationale. Okay, even if you disagree with the top three reasons, please reread your letter to me. The reason you say you should allow the dating basically comes down to "He's wealthy." Not a good enough reason, Mom. So what? Not once did you mention he's a good kid, or that he has goals, he's responsible, he has character.

Childhood is so precious. It goes so quickly. I don't think teens should exclusively date until 16. I know. Old-fashioned. But the teen scene is changing. Teens are actually doing more hanging out (or hooking up, but don't get me started on that) these days.

Think this one through very carefully. This is one of those parenting choices where there's no turning back.

I hate to butt into a family conflict, but I have to side with your sister on this one. NO!

Best!

Michele Borba

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

Turning the Florida Teen Beating Into a Teachable Moment

2008-04-16T15:41:08Z

There is one cardinal rule about children that law enforcement and mental health professionals are well aware: Do not ever give notoriety to a teen-initiated crime, suicide, school shooting or homicide. Ever.

Front-page coverage to such a tragedy actually increases the odds that an emotionally fragile teen (or teens) will duplicate the act. It’s called the "The Copycat Effect." The threat is so high that most press (or those with a conscience,anyway) prints such tragedies only on back pages to reduce "glorifying" the catastrophe. Notoriety is exactly what those kids crave. But imagine if the event was posted on YouTube or shown on national TV. It’s immediate immortality and the child wins.

And that’s why I was aghast to read this week that Dr. Phil had apparently planned to do a story on the eight Lakeland, Florida teens arrested for their brutal beating of a classmate (I posted about the story here). Keep in mind these are the same teens that videotaped their 30-minute premeditated beating to post on the Internet. Dr. Phil pulled the segment only after learning that members of his staff helped one of the eight suspects post bond. A spokesman stated: “We have decided not to go forward with the story as our guidelines have been compromised.” So that means they would have otherwise proceeded with a nationally syndicated show about teens facing kidnapping and misdemeanor battery charges as well as a felony charge of witness tampering? Come on!

Can we please, oh please, get beyond the ratings game and focus instead on the possible consequences to our children?

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So, parents, here are a few “take aways” from all this:

Please keep that “Copycat Effect” etched in your memory. Knowing it just might help you prevent a tragedy in your own community.
Hold a media talk. Reinforce your rules about using the Internet. Never put anything in writing that you would not want said about you. Do not click that mouse and send anything in anger or to seek revenge.
Use news stories as teachable moments. Talk to your kids about the Florida teens or other such tragedies. (There have been several just this week). Express your horror. Talk about your values. Emphasize the victims. And stress the consequences of such horrific acts. Turn those tragic stories into conscience-stretching lessons for your children.
Hold the media accountable. If any media outlet (be it newspaper, Internet, radio, or television) gives front-page coverage about a teen suicide, homicide or brutal beating write a letter or voice your objections.

Stay alert to news stories and use them as teachable moments with your kids. Don’t assume your kids aren’t talking about such incidents. They do. Make sure they are getting those facts straight.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.

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Q&A: Letting Your Child Sleep In Your Bed

2008-04-14T21:00:00Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have a 8-year-old son that still sleeps with me. I started it when he was 2 years old. He had exema and was up about every 2 hours and I had to go to work the next day. It was easier to roll over and put the cream on and go back to sleep then to get out and go to his bed and do it. I have tried everything to get him in his bed. Bought him a new bed and redid his room twice. It is up staris from my room. He has a night light and can spend all day up there playing video games and watching cartoons... even into the evening. But when bed time comes in in bed with mom. My husband sleeps on the couch since the bed is not big enough for the 3 of us. HELP!!!!!!
--Ginger

I wish I had an easy solution but then that's not how parenting goes, right? So here's the long and the short. He's eight years old and it's inappropriate for your son to be sleeping in a bed with you. Period. You already know this but I want to reinforce your instinct. Second this is the age when sleepovers start and for other kids to hear about your sleeping arrangements can cause major damage on the social scene. But most important--this is going to (if not already) cause a major wedge in your marriage. Your husband belongs beside you in that bed. Not your son

You've tried all the "nice" options. You're left with one solution. Tell your son clear and simple that from this moment on he belongs in his bed. That's it. Expect resistence. Expect a fight. And expect him to test you. He'll gradually give up the fight as long as you DO NOT GIVE IN. Your son has to know you are serious.

You and your husband plan your "united front.". If you need to warn the neighbors that there may be a bit of a rucus in the evening they will understand

No guilt. No second thoughts. Just do it, Mom! I'm cheering you on. (And do it tonight--you owe it to your child, yourself and your marriage). Do it!

Stay tough!

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

Mean Girls Get Meaner

2008-04-12T16:28:22Z

Watch out for the new trend of physically aggressive girls

A disturbing video of a violent physical attack on a teen girl hit the wires this week. Her assaulters were six teenage girls—cheerleaders at the local high school—and their actions were calculated and animalistic. In case you missed what happened in Lakeland, Florida here’s the recap:

On March 30 six teenage girls lured a 16-year-old former friend to a home with a phone call. She was met at the door by one girl while five others hid in another room. As she walked into the trap two teens began viciously attacking her, slamming her head against the wall, punching her in the face, and basically beating her body to a pulp. When the ambushed girl regained consciousness six of the girls took turns pounding her body, all the while laughing, cheering one another on and videoing the thirty-minute attack. One voice is heard yelling: “There is only 17 seconds left, make it good.” Two boys waited outside as lookouts. All eight teens have been arrested for assault. Their motive was apparently pure revenge. The victim apparently posted something against one of the girls on MySpace. According to her attackers the girl deserved the treatment and showed no remorse for their deeds.

While the public response has been shock (and rightly so), it’s also time for a reality check. This disturbing incident is not an isolated affair. Physical aggression amongst girls is a quickly growing trend that knows no boundaries. Rural or urban, rich or poor, the fact is “Sugar and spice and no longer nice” is no more.

Troubling statistics reveal that our new American girl is becoming as prone to violent behavior as boys. Want proof? Read on:

Twenty years ago roughly ten boys were arrested for assault for every one girl. That ratio is now four to one.
Girls in gangs are just as likely to participate in beatings as boys.
U.S. Department of Justice shows that in 1990 one in 50 juvenile arrests for all crimes is a girl. In 2003 one in three juvenile arrests for violent crimes is a girl.
More than one in every four teens aged 13 to 15 who are arrested for aggravated assault is a girl.

But even more disturbing: The greatest increase in overall percentages of violent crime arrests is among younger girls.

Aggressive behavior is unconscionable. There is no excuse. But also remember that the first step to change is awareness. Please beware of this trend. Violence is learned. Our kids deserve better lessons, folks.

Are you seeing this trend? What do you think is causing it?

Please feel free to leave comments or questions below.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.

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Q&A: Handling Kids and Pets

2008-04-07T20:30:50Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have a 20-month-old boy and a 6-year-old dachshund. He will not leave her alone. I have tried everything from redirection to timeout, but he continuously tries to hit, poke, and throw things at her. No matter how many times he's corrected, he goes right back to it. I'm at a loss for how to keep peace between my boy and my dog. Some suggestions would be great.
-- Carrie

You win on most original question I think I've ever had. I hope I'm the right person to send this to (dog trainer might be another bet). Other than fencing the dog and child apart, here are my two cents.

You've done everything right, Mom. (Spa day!). Using timeout for a 20-month old generally has no benefit. He's too young to understand "cause and effect." In a few months it will kick in and it may work but for now it's not helping.

Since you've tried so many options and have been so darn diligent, try focusing on the dog instead -- not your child. Really. Your son does have the beginning (way beginning) seeds of empathy. This age can recognize distress in a voice tone and on your face. So do this (every every time) and see what happens: The minute he pokes the dog, totally ignore your child and focus on the dog. Exaggerate your concern. "Oh... are you all right? Oh, do you hurt? Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you sad? What can I do to make you feel better?" Keep petting the dog (while ignoring your child). Keep talking about the hurt.

My bet is your son will come over and watch you. They are little copy cats at this age so use it to your advantage. Show all the ways to be concerned and show sympathy. The trick is to help your son realize that what he's doing "hurts"...and he can make things better. I'm also betting he will copy your behavior. Then reinforce the heck out of any little effort he makes to help the dog. You are reversing the behavior.

Let me know. Hope it works. It's a behavior trick for younger kids. And you're reframing the attention. The other way actually gives attention to your son - but in a negative way. That young age can't distinguish between the two and sometimes all the timeout and redirection is more of a game to them.

Meanwhile, please write this up in your baby book. Take photos. These are great moments to give to your son for a wedding present - at the rehearsal dinner. Save them. Meanwhile smile. It only gets better.

Hang in there!

Have a parenting question for Michele Borba? Leave a comment below and your question may be answered next week.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

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Michele Borba Answers Reader Questions

2008-04-04T17:58:47Z

Yesterday Michele Borba wrote about when you should really worry about your kids, and when to know things are "just a phase".

Today she answers two questions from readers which relate to yesterday's post.

I have a 10 year-old son that has been claiming all sorts of medical problems. One minute he has a headache, then the next he can't breathe, then the next his heart is beating too fast, then too slow. It's obvious that he's not actually having these issues because he will also be playing and running around at the same time. When he's distracted it doesn't bother him. He seems to worry far too much about being sick. He also has taken to reading the warning labels on everything and asking if it's OK to eat some foods (is the expiration date OK, etc.). One day he even asked me if it was OK to eat his sandwich because the hand soap he just used said "do not ingest" on it. What can I do to make him understand that he doesn't need to worry about such things? Or is this just a phase he's going through?
-- Malissa

No, this is not a phase your child is going through and will not go away by itself. Your son is worrying too much and it is impacting too many other parts of his life. He is not doing this intentionally and his obsessive behavior is something that should be addressed. Please seek the help of an adolescent and child psychologist. There are coping strategies your child can learn now that will help him for the rest of his life. He also should be evaluated to see if something else could be triggering this behavior. He is struggling too much. Hang in there! And do not give up.

All the best to you and your family,

Michele Borba

My son is 8 years old and he still has problems with potty training. If he is engaged in an activity, he will go in his pants rather than stop playing. Even if he is at home, watching tv or playing video games, he will, if he chooses, go in his pants rather than go to the restroom. He has been punished for it in various ways over the last 2 years and I have taken him to see a therapist, who said he is bright and healthy, just lazy. Could that be all there is to it? Last week I had a very serious talk with him (after he'd been grounded for a week) and he said he just doesn't like to go in the bathroom. What should I do next?
-- Kim

My answer is: Find another therapist. Pronto. I don’t buy the “he’s lazy” diagnosis. I think that’s a cop out when we can’t find a reason for what’s really at the basis of a problem. Oh sure, some kids want to get out of doing work, but not when it comes to an eight year old who doesn’t want to use the bathroom. You’ve punished him, tried all other variations, talked to him, and tried a therapist. (You have ruled out all physical reasons, right? And there is nothing that could be causing stress or an extreme craving for attention, right??)

You then have two alternatives: A therapist who can dig deeper to find out if this is triggered by an emotional cause (early trauma, stress that you may or may not be aware of, severe pressure or frustration of some kind) or a psychologist trained in behavior modification (a consistent approach in reinforcing appropriate behavior with a darn good plan).

Weigh your “mommy instinct” – which of the two is the more likely approach that will work for your child? Then you find the best therapist for that approach. Go to the apa.org website (it will provide a list of trained psychologists in your area), go to the nearest large university with a medical center and ask them for recommendations, ask the school psychologist and/or your pediatrician. Get a list of recommendations, and then see if the same name keeps coming up. That’s bingo! Even then a good therapist has to have a relationship with your child. So you may have to go outside your area. This is not normal behavior. Your relationship with your child, his self-esteem, and certainly his social development are at stake. Get the right help please.

Best of luck to you!

Michele Borba

Got a parenting question for Michele Borba? Ask it here!

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

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When Things Are More Than "Just A Phase..."

2008-04-03T18:07:05Z

When to Worry and Seek Help For Your Child

Of course we love our kids and worry about them. But when should we worry—really worry—enough to seek professional help? It’s a question that haunts parents. To any of you ever wondering “if your child's behavior is just a phase” here are my four rules for when to pick up the phone. (And by the way, any one rule can be enough to seek advice of a professional.)

When to pick up the phone and seek help for your child:

Not normal. The behavior is not typical or appropriate for your child’s developmental age.
Paternal instinct. You just know deep down that something is not right—despite what anyone else may say. No one –absolutely no one—knows your child better than you. If you think something is wrong, act on that instinct. Chances are you are correct even though the therapist, pediatrician, teacher, psychologist, and Dr. Spock himself said otherwise.
Daily life affected. The behavior is impacting your child’s school, social or home life. If this issue continues it stands to damage your child’s reputation, character, emotional health as well as your family life.
Your child is struggling. I deeply believe that the majority of kids don’t mean to act out or misbehave. They want to please us. So when you see a child repeatedly engaged in a destructive behavior or behavior that is not typical, something else is amiss. Meanwhile, your child is hurting. And if not helped, his self-esteem and relationship with his friends and family will suffer.

If the problem has been going on too long with no relief, and everything you’ve tried isn’t working, then it’s time. PICK UP THE PHONE. Whenever you’re in doubt, get help. Why wait? And if don’t get the right advice (you're not satisfied and it's not helping your child), then keep going and going and going until you do.

This week questions came from two different mothers about what I call “The Big Worry Factor.” Though the issues these mothers bring up are as different as night as day (from potty training at age eight to excessive worrying about illness) both have a stark commonality: A mom who is deeply concerned whether her child’s behavior is “normal” or something more. Check back tomorrow when I will answer both questions! And please: if you have a parenting question, don't hesitate to ask!

All the best!

Michele Borba

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .

Q&A: Getting Your Daycare On Board

2008-04-01T18:00:00Z

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

How do I get my child's daycare to comply with my requests? They changed her schedule, now she gets really crabby at home.
--Rachel

AHHH! I’m frustrated just reading your note. “Ideally” the daycare and home should always work together for your child’s sake. Here are my suggestions to see if you can get your child’s daycare to comply with your requests.

Your best bet is to first “respectfully” ask for a conference with the director ASAP and, if possible, your child’s lead teacher. That’s a hint. Go into that conference thinking and acting positively. Listen first. Be open. You’ll get better results.

Next, lay out your case. “Have you noticed a change in her behavior lately? I’m so concerned that she is so much crabbier at home after her schedule was changed. I’m hoping we can figure out a way to get her back on that schedule because..." Then describe what you want to happen. Your goal is to describe the exact change you see in your child after the schedule switch.

Ask if there is anything else that could be causing the behavior change at school (an aggressive new playmate, an earache, a new daycare worker). Get their input so you don’t overlook anything.

Bring a monthly calendar with you. If you can jot down a note or two on each day (“Mon: Crabby”; Tues: Cried when she came home; Wed. Didn’t want to play) noting your behavior observations it helps. Pull out the calendar pinpoint when you first noticed the crabbiness and the days after. Emphasize that there are no changes happening at home that could be causing this (right???)

Keep in mind that kids act differently at school. The teacher may not be seeing those behaviors so that’s why a logged record helps. Hopefully the daycare will offer some kind of at least compromise to accommodate your child. Keep tracking your child’s behavior even after the conference. If not (and that behavior continues) you may need to change programs.

The main point to keep in mind is that those together times with your child to be relaxed and fun. If she continues to be irritable this will hinder your relationship with your daughter as well. Hope this helps!

Best to you!
Michele Borba

Have a parenting question for Michele Borba? Leave a comment below and your question may be answered next week.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.