Dr. Michele Borba's Parenting Solutions

Keep Childhood Carefree: 7 Ways to Help Kids De-Stress

2010-01-20T20:42:28Z

AS SEEN ON THE TODAY SHOW

It's no secret that kids feel stressed just as often as adults do. At school, on the ball field, and even at home, they face pressure to be the best, or at least never, ever come in last. In a competitive world where it's important to meet the status quo, our kids are feeling the heat in ways that we may never have experienced when we were young.

A recent American Psychological Association survey confirmed that parents not only underestimate their children's stress levels, but may also fail to recognize the impact stress can have on their kids' physical and psychological health. Studies find that eight to ten percent of American kids are seriously troubled by stress and the symptoms associated with it. In fact, kids are now suffering from stress as early as three years old--a shocking reality that's sadly going mostly undetected by parents.

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If all this talk about youth stress is starting to stress you out, you may be wondering what you can do to help your child. Here's the good news: you can teach kids to manage their stress. Even better news? Teaching your children these strategies can give you some peace of mind as well.

1. Blow your worries away. When they're stressed, kids often take quick, fast breaths from their chest instead of their stomach. As an alternative, teach young children to pretend to "blow up a balloon" in their tummy. Then have them exhale as you slowly count to three. As they exhale, have them use an exaggerated "ahhh" sound like they use at the doctor's office. Place your child's hands on his stomach so he can feel his breaths. Say, "Taking a slow, deep breath can reduce your stress and let your worries out." Kids can also practice taking slow, deep breaths using a pinwheel or bubble blower until they get the right "feel." Tell very young children to pretend that the bubbles are their worries blowing away!

2. Melt the tension. Tell your child to make his body feel stiff and straight like a wooden soldier so that every bone from his head to toes is tense (or "stressed"). Then, tell him to make his body limp (or "relaxed") like a rag doll or windsock. Once he realizes he can make himself relax, he can find the spot in his body where he feels the most tension; perhaps it's his neck, shoulders, or jaw. Then, ask him to close his eyes, concentrate on the spot--tensing it up for three or four seconds--and then let it go. While doing so, tell him to imagine the stress slowly melting away from the top of his head and out his toes until he feels relaxed.

3. Use a positive phrase. Teach your child to say a comment inside her head to help her handle stress. She can say something like, "Calm down," "I can do this," "Stay calm and breathe slowly," or "It's nothing I can't handle."

4. Visualize a calm place. Ask your child to think of a place where he feels peaceful. For instance: the beach, his bed, grandpa's backyard, a tree house. When stress kicks in, tell him to close his eyes and imagine that spot while breathing slowly.

5. Teach the stress-buster formula. It's as simple as 1 + 3 + 10. Print this formula on a large piece of paper and hang it in your child's bedroom or on the fridge. Then tell the child how to use the formula. Say the following: "As soon as you feel your body getting tense, do three things. First, stop and tell yourself, 'Be calm.' That's 1. Second, take three deep slow breaths from your tummy. That's 3. Now count slowly to ten inside your head. That's 10."

6. Make a stress box. Fill a shoebox or other container with proven stress-reducers such as a notepad and pencil (to draw or write out frustrations); a small stress ball, Play-Doh or clay to work stress out; or a music player loaded with relaxation sounds. You can add new stress-reducers to the box based on your child's preferences, and then encourage him to go to the container when the need arises.

7. Learn relaxation and breath control with yoga. Yoga can be a great way for your teen or pre-teen to sneak some relaxation into her day. In fact, many high schools are now offering yoga classes as an alternative to physical education. Purchase a yoga DVD that you can do at home together. Even better: invite another mom and daughter to join you and make yoga a weekly routine.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including her latest, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

10 Easy Parenting Resolutions That Can Make Big Differences for Your Family

2010-01-08T21:10:23Z

While some of us watched the ball drop in Times Square and set New Years resolutions to lose weight or eat better in 2010, others undoubtedly resolved to be better parents. After all, parenting is the most important role many of us will ever have. But how many of us achieve success and see real changes in our families? And how many of those New Years resolutions are we willing to actually keep?

Here are a few simple, practical resolutions to raise happy, healthy kids this year. Worried about sticking to them? Here's a good tip: Choose only one or two resolutions to increase your chances of success. Then, use the same strategy consistently every day, even for just a few minutes at a time. Your resolutions will become a family routine, and will greatly improve your relationship with your kids. Of course, these ideas are just to get you thinking. Adapt them, or come up with better ones that will work for your family! ]]> 1. Resolution: To find more time for to be with your child.
Solution: Identify the time and place your child is most receptive to listening and talking and plant yourself there each day. In my house, it was 5 pm around the refrigerator. (That's where my youngest was at that time of day--so that's where I'd be). Another way to find time: Utilize the car pool. Turn off the radio and talk.

2. Resolution: To find more quality time to be with your child.
Solution: Research has shown that our kids are most receptive to us five minutes before they go to sleep. Create a bedtime ritual, and use that time to convey your love for your child. You could review the day or hold a "strength talk" where you hold your child's hand and tell him five special things you love about him--one for each finger.

3. Resolution: To manage your schedule better so you can be less stressed around your kids.
Solution: For parents who always say "I don't have enough time to get everything done" or "I feel like a taxi service," here is a quick solution. Write the following on an index card and tape it to your phone: "Say no to any requests, or say, 'I'll get back to you.'" This gives you time to check your calendar, and consider whether the request is worth your time and energy. Say no to commitments that don't directly involve your family or that you know will boost your stress. This tip really worked for me. It got me in the habit of not being so quick to agree to every request.

4. Resolution: To send kids off to school on a positive note.
Solution: Parents often say that mornings are the most stressful time of the day. Identify your one recurring stress trigger (or pinpoint the time you are most likely to lose patience around your kids) and then come up with a simple solution. For example, let's say that you lose your car keys every morning and go bonkers trying to find them. Put a hook right by the door and always leave your keys there. If your kids are forever misplacing their homework or school supplies, put a catch-all box by the front door where they place their backpacks, and anything else they need for school. Make sure they do this the night before--not in the morning. Or have your little dawdler lay out his school clothes the night before, and teach him to set his own alarm clock.

5. Resolution: To put an end to sibling bickering.
Solution: If you're always playing negotiator between your squabbling kids, teach them simple strategies to work out problems on their own. For example, if your kids have trouble taking turns with toys or video games, teach them how to use a stop watch or your kitchen timer. When the timer goes off, the child pass it to another sibling, who then sets it for the same amount of time. It keeps you out of the argument and gives your kids a strategy to use with their friends, too.

6. Resolution: To reduce parent-kid stress.
Solution: Is your family on edge because you just can't find time for exercise or relaxation? Find one activity to do with your kids each week or each day. Put your infant in a stroller and walk, ride a bike with your preschooler, do an exercise video with your teen daughter, shoot hoops with your son, or start a book club with your child. The trick is to do it together.

7. Resolution: To wean kids off of rewards.
Solution: Is your kid always asking for praise or approval--or worse, presents? If so, put away your wallet and just change your pronoun in your praise from "I" to "you." For instance, instead of saying "I'm really proud of you" change it to "You should be really proud of yourself." That simple switch--consistently verbalized--puts emphasis on the child, builds his internal motivation, and weans him from always needing your approval. Love that one!

8. Resolution: To reduce family yelling or bickering.
Solution: Start a no-yelling policy in your home. The second anyone's voice goes up a decibel, use a designated time out signal to show that your little screamer needs a minute to get himself under control. Everyone in the family must respect the signal. The family member can then walk away until he's calm enough to come back and talk. This one will take consistently, but it really helps to restore family harmony. Don't give up!

9. Resolution: To find time to connect as a family, despite your hectic schedules.
Solution: We all know those family meals are important, but sometimes it's impossible to gather everyone around the table. Set a time each evening when everyone stops what they're doing and takes just 20 minutes to connect in the kitchen (or another part of your home). The whole family can touch base, have a snack, debrief the day, and say goodnight. It may be the alternative you're looking for, particularly if you have teens.

10. Resolution: Nurturing your children's self-esteem.
Solution: If you've noticed that you're getting into a bit of a negative rut around your kids (which we all do), then it's time to focus on the positives. Research shows that random, sugar-coated praise does not work to increase self-esteem. Specific praise does help, so your child understands which of his actions deserve approval. Acknowledge one thing each day that your child did well. Point it out, but also use the word "because." That single word takes your praise up a notch and makes your statement more specific. The child understands what you approved of, and is more likely to repeat the deed. For instance, you should say something like, "You were so kind because you shared your toys with your friends."

All the best in 2010!

Teaching Kids to Be Appreciative (Even When They're Really Disappointed)

2009-12-09T17:10:41Z

Here's a question to ponder as the holidays approach: How well do your kids handle disappointment? If you're worried about what will happen when that greatly-anticipated DVD player from grandma turns out to be a pink cashmere sweater, consider the following scenarios. They will help you assess how your kids may respond: • If your teen is dying for a digital music player--and expects it--and then opens the package from Great Aunt Edna and discovers shaving cream and an electric razor, how do you think he'll react?
• If your lovely three-year-old has been begging for a fancy dollhouse for weeks, and then rips open grandma's gift and finds a winter coat and boots, how do you think she will react? Remember: your mother is watching and anticipating your daughter's joy over that London Fog coat and boots she spent hours shopping for.
• Think back to your child's last birthday party. How grateful did your child seem when she opened each gift from a friend or relative?

If your blood pressure is accelerating as you imagine a potentially embarrassing moment on Christmas morning, don't despair. And remember that tact and gracefulness are learned skills. There is still time to teach your kids how to appear appreciative.

Of course, it's easy for kids to look grateful about receiving gifts they like, and much harder for them to accept an unappealing gift with grace. That's why I strongly recommend having a little rehearsal before the actual gift-giving exchange. Believe me, this skill will come in handy the rest of our children's lives. Here's how to do it:

1. Rehearse appreciation. Rehearse polite comebacks prior to the event. A few gracious responses might include, "Thank you for this. I really appreciate it," or "Thanks. That was nice of you." Sometimes "Thank you so much!" might be best. Younger kids can practice saying those responses with their teddy bears or dolls. But remember, repeated practice is critical in mastering this skill. Just don't wait until the night before to start rehearsals.

2. Help your child imagine the recipient's feelings. Think up a few different gift-giving scenarios and then role play with your child. Say something like: "Suppose Aunt Helen was here right now. She spent a lot of time shopping for your gift because she loves you and hopes you're happy when you open it. Pretend she's watching you open that package. What can you say and do to let her know you appreciate her effort?"

3. Stress appreciation. Emphasize to your child that he doesn't have to like a gift, but he must show his appreciation for the thought that went into choosing and buying it. It will take a lot of little chats, and not a marathon lecture, to get that point across. So start the little reminders now.

Hint: If you've rehearsed and you still experience one of those embarrassing kid blunders during a gift-exchange, remember that thank you cards are always an option!

Happy holidays!

Have your kids ever had a mortifying holiday gift moment? How did you handle it? Share your stories below.

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Stopping Violence, Nurturing Tolerance in Kids

2009-12-07T15:50:24Z

A twelve-year-old redheaded boy was recently assaulted by a group of middle school classmates in Calabasas, California. As many as fourteen students participated in the attack at A.E. Wright Middle School. The Los Angeles County Sheriff reported that the attack may have been motivated by a Facebook post announcing "Kick a Ginger Day," which urged readers to beat up redheads.

Troubling as this is, it is not the only such incident. In fact, schools around the world have experienced similar attacks in the past few years. In each case, a judge, sheriff or school official declared that the attack was promoted by a Facebook group urging members to kick people with red hair and support "Kick a Ginger Day." Here are a few related incidents:

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- Two teens in Alberta, Canada were charged for attacking a red-headed tenth-grade boy in the locker room of St. Francis High School.

- A girl in Alberta, Canada claimed that she and her 13-year-old redheaded sister were punched and kicked by classmates at their middle school.

- A 13-year-old Vancouver boy was assaulted over 80 times. He said of the incident, "I was amazed by the amount of people who kicked me."

Where do kids get such horrific ideas? It appears that the motivation for "Kick a Ginger Day," comes from the animated cartoon series South Park. One episode focused on prejudice against "gingers" (a term given to people with red hair, fair skin and freckles). The young character called Cartman described those with red hair as "evil" and "soulless." Nearly 5,000 people are said to have joined an online Facebook campaign this year urging members to "Get them steel toes ready" for a day of kicking redheaded kids. Dozens of kids have left messages on the page claiming to have complied with the request.

But this trend doesn't stop at targeting redheaded classmates:

Ten Florida students were recently given in-school suspensions for participating in a slightly different event, which they called, "Kick a Jew Day." This time, Jewish students were targeted and attacked at a North Naples middle school.

How do we make sense of these vicious acts by children? Let's start by looking at what these attacks have in common:

- All are hate crimes
- All involved middle-school-age students
- All were motivated by a single media incident
- All were organized on Facebook
- All incidents involved "mobbing" -- a group of kids who encouraged each other

Have you heard about incidents like this at your kid's school? Here's what to do.

5 Lessons to Learn From This Incident

1. Limit or prohibit Facebook for tweens. Many middle school students are too young for Facebook. Research already shows that cyberbullying and bullying peaks when kids are in their tween years, and peer pressure also peaks during these ages. When it comes to Facebook, don't be afraid to set clear limits -- or just say no!

2. Watch your child's media diet. Media does influence children. If you had any doubt, these incidents should be proof. Watch your children's media diet carefully. Put firm limits on what your family views on television and on the internet, and voice your concerns to anything objectionable.

3. Boost empathy and tolerance at younger ages. Tolerance is learned, and so is hate. One-time talks about empathy, respect and kindness don't cut it. These lessons must be woven into our children's daily lives by respectful, caring adults.

4. Talk to your children about these incidents and voice your objections. Believe me, kids are hearing about "Kick a Ginger" and "Kick a Jew" from their peers. Don't be afraid to push your values. Voice your objections over and over.

5. Hold kids accountable for cruelty. Hate as well as unkindness should never be tolerated. There is no excuse for cruelty. Ever!

It's important to remember that children aren't born hateful. Hate and intolerance are learned. If today's children are to have any chance of living harmoniously in this world, it is critical that adults nurture it. It is also critical that we tune into adolescent psychology so we can respond accordingly.

Of course, the best way to teach children tolerance is not through lectures but through our example. Be a living textbook of tolerance for your children and for all other children. Hatred and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy and tolerance. Although it's certainly never too late to begin, the sooner we start, the better the chance we have of preventing insidious, intolerant attitudes from taking hold. And there has never been a more important time to nurture tolerance.

It's Time to Talk to Your Kid About Drinking

2009-11-17T00:00:00Z

Now is exactly when you should talk to your kid about alcohol. In fact, the earlier the better. And here's why. Kids are having their first drink three-and-a-half years earlier than kids from the baby-boomer generation. Seven percent of fourth graders and more than 8 percent of fifth graders have drunk beer, liquor, or wine coolers in the past year; and 27 percent of sixth graders have used alcohol at least once this past year. One-out-of-six eighth graders are current drinkers. Some reports say that girls are binge drinking as frequently (or even more) as boys.52 Kids form beliefs about alcohol very early in life, even before they start elementary school.Parents also have far more influence on their children's attitudes when the kids are young. Children nine or under generally perceive drinking as negative, but around thirteen their views change and become more positive.

]]> These statistics give you all the reason you need to start those "drinking talks" by the fourth grade at the very latest. There is one additional irrefutable research-based finding you can't ignore:the earlier kids start to drink, the more likely they are to have alcohol problems later in life. Children who start to drink before the age of fifteen are four times more likely to report the criteria for alcohol dependence. Research shows that thirteen thousand kids will take their first drink today. Underage drinking is clearly a problem.

Here are solutions to prepare you for that critical must-have ongoing parenting talk with your child about drinking:

Take a reality check. Please don't hold on to a "not my kid" attitude. Underage drinking is a growing problem that we simply can't ignore. Here are signs that your child may be drinking:
- Slurred or slowed speech, lack of coordination, difficulty carrying on a conversation
- Efforts to mask his breath (such as using mouthwash, gum, or mints)
- Hanging around a group of much older kids, sneaking out or not telling you where he was or going
- Mysteriously dwindling home liquor supply; hidden liquor bottles
- Unaccounted charges on your credit card from Web sites, pharmacies, or grocery or liquor stores
- Bloodshot eyes, sleeping in, or trouble waking
- Use of names of drinking games, such as Century Club, Power Hour, Quarters, Flippy Cup

Be a good model. Kids get their views about alcohol from watching your behavior and listening to your comments. So watch your own party scene. Forget trying to tell your teen to be a responsible driver later on if you're not one now. Don't glamorize alcohol or say you're using it as a way to unwind; for example, never say "I sure could use a drink!" Instead, show kids other ways you relax. If you're not an example of responsible behavior, don't expect your kid to act responsibly. Your actions speak louder than your words.

Set clear rules against drinking. Feel free to be puritanical and strict. Consistently enforcing those rules and monitoring your kid's behavior will help reduce the likelihood of underage drinking. A study of over a thousand teens found that kids with "hands-on" parents who establish clear behavior expectations, monitor their comings and goings, and aren't afraid to say no are four times less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking. Be a parent, not a pal. (By the way, don't believe the myth that you should let your underage kid learn to drink in the comforts of home because "youngsters in countries with a lower legal age drink more moderately." There is no scientific proof of this claim.)

Start early and talk often. This point cannot be overstated: you must talk to your child about drinking, and the earlier the better. Before age nine, kids usually perceive alcohol negatively and see drinking as "bad" with negative consequences. By around the age of thirteen, kids' views of alcohol shift toward the positive and become harder to change. Some kids are experimenting with drinking as young as ten or eleven. It's never too early to start this talk, so don't put it off.

Look for teachable moments. Lectures and stern warnings are kid turnoffs, but you still need to share information about alcohol and its potential dangers. So look for ways to weave the topic naturally into everyday moments. Here are a few ways:

Talk about popular song lyrics. You may not have to look too far -- pull those earphones out of your kid's ear and listen to the lyrics. One out of every three popular songs has a reference to substance abuse -- and alcohol is the substance most frequently mentioned.

Show them news clippings. If you read about an accident caused by a teen drunk driver, cut it out and use it to discuss how drinking not only affects judgment and the ability to perform everyday tasks but also destroys lives -- including your kid's, if he were that driver.

Emphasize the short-term downside. Kids live in the here and now, so it's often a hard sell to try to convince them of the long-term risks: "You'll get cirrhosis of the liver thirty years from now!" You may have better luck stressing the short term: "Your brain is still developing and is more susceptible to damage than adult brains," or "Alcohol affects your central nervous system faster because of your smaller body size, so you are more likely to make serious judgment errors and sustain injuries that could even be life threatening." If that doesn't work, try "You'll be grounded and miss most of your seventh-grade year."

Avoid or utilize alcohol advertising. Long-term studies show that kids who see, hear, and read more alcohol ads are more likely to drink and to drink more heavily than their peers. A study with third, sixth, and ninth graders found those kids who thought alcohol ads were desirable are also more likely to view drinking more positively. Use those frequently aired beer and vodka commercials during those ball games you're watching together as opportunities to discuss your values, concerns, and rules about drinking.

Forbid drinking and driving. It makes no difference that your child does not have a driver's license, let alone a car. Now is the time to stress one emphatic rule: "Never, ever drink and drive."

Get on board with other parents. Know your kid's friends and their parents. Call any parent hosting a party to ensure that they are really supervising those sleepovers or birthday parties. Most kids take their first drink in their own home or at the home of their friends. In fact, 60 percent of eighth graders say it is fairly or very easy to obtain alcohol -- and the easiest place is in their own home. Count those bottles in your liquor cabinets. Lock up your liquor supply (and don't tell your kids where the key is). And watch your credit card: the hottest new place kids buy alcohol is on the Internet. Just a word to the wise: 99 percent of parents say they would not be willing to serve alcohol at their kid's party, but 28 percent of teens say they have been at supervised parties where alcohol is available. In the same survey, 98 percent of parents say they are present at teen parties at their home, but 33 percent of teens say parents are rarely or never at teen parties. Although the teen party scene may be several years away for you, get to know those parents now. They will be hosting those parties your child may be attending in just a few short years.

Give strategies for avoiding trouble. Forty percent of tweens say they feel pressure from peers to smoke, drink, or take drugs, starting around the age of nine. So teach your child how to buck peer pressure. For example, help your kid come up with reasons that he feels comfortable saying to a peer: "My mom would kill me if she found out -- and she always finds out." "I have a big test on Monday, and I need to study." "I promised my parents I wouldn't drink until I graduate." Let your kids know it's always okay to use you as an excuse ("My mom will ground me for life"). Then be sure to role-play different situations so he's ready to use that line with buddies. Emphasize that anytime he is in a situation where there is alcohol, he should call you and you'll come pick him up -- no questions asked.

Drinking is a serious health problem with devastating consequences for tweens. Research shows that today's kids are drinking at younger ages. The reason most frequently cited by kids for not drinking is their desire not to harm the relationship they have with their parents. A parent's caring, involved relationship with their child is the best way to prevent underage drinking. Stay involved -- you do make a difference!

When Your Child and His Teacher Just Can't Get Along

2009-11-11T03:44:38Z

What should you do when your child doesn't like his teacher? Should you call the principal or sit in on the class? Or should you brush it off as a normal childhood grievance and move on? Here are the steps to take to help you navigate this tricky teacher trouble:

]]> ISSUE: Your child complains, "I hate my teacher!"

STEP 1: At some point, most kids are going to come home complaining that they hate their teacher. So don't be too alarmed when you hear those first complaints as you are pulling out of the carpool line after school. It's completely normal for children to feel frustrated with their teachers at some point during their school years so don't fly off the handle.

Best Parent Response:

Listen calmly to complaints and be reassuring. The best policy is to be patient. A child's complaints could be the result of a particularly bad day, her frustration with a difficult test or assignment, or embarrassment over being called down in front of the class. Just listen. Bite your tongue and be reassuring.

Pose "What", not "Why" questions. Asking your child "Why" questions will typically reveal little, so pose "What" queries instead. "What did the teacher do that upset you?" "What time of day did this happen?" "What could your teacher do to make it better?" The answers will help you figure out if this is your child's problem or a conflict with the teacher. (Most common reasons kids say "I hate my teacher": 1. Humiliation because they've been punished, reprimanded or made fun of; 2. Mimicking other kids' comments; 3. Can't meet teacher expectations (which may be too high or too strict); 4. Personality or style clash with the teacher.) You're just gauging if the complaint is really justified. See if your child repeats it -- or if it's just a one-time occurrence.

Watch for your kid's ability to bounce back. Your child may be upset now, but the key is to watch to see how long it takes for him to bounce back. Is he still upset an hour later? Does he have trouble going to sleep? Does he say he doesn't want to go to school the next day? The longer the complaint lasts or the more intense the stress, the more you should pay attention. If complaints cease or your child skips off to play video games ten minutes later, great -- move on. If he doesn't, and the stress lasts (or becomes more intense) it's time to go to Step Two. (For severe stress, go straight to Step Three.)

Warning: Be careful not to badmouth the teacher in front of your child. If the problem miraculously disappears within a day or two, you will run the risk of tainting her view for the rest of the year.

ISSUE: Complaints continue -- but there's no evidence of a clear problem

STEP 2: If complaints continue, seem justified, or your child can't shrug off intense feelings, then it's time to take the next step. Your goal is to see if you can form a plan for resolving whatever issue is as hand. Get to the heart of the matter. Is there a quick resolution?

Warning: Don't be too quick to call the principal and demand that your child be reassigned a new teacher. Doing so only sends your kid the message that you are going swoop in and solve every little problem for her -- and she does need to learn how to get along with all kinds of people.

(If you've identified the problem or see a noticeable unhealthy change in your child's behavior, skip Step 2. Go to Step 3.)

Best Parent Response:

Help your child find a simple solution to resolve the problem at the core of the complaints. For example, if he has poor grades because he can't recall homework assignments, provide a notebook to put inside that backpack so he can write down the assignments. If he gets in trouble for talking to a chatty classmate, tell him to ask the teacher if he can move his seat.

Get perspective from others parents. Talk to some of the other parents to see if their children have expressed similar concerns. Is your child alone with his complaints? Are the complaints justified? Eavesdrop on the carpool conversations. Perhaps the teacher yells at everyone or picks certain children to frequently or assigns too much homework. It's important that you don't just jump to conclusions -- and into action -- before you get the story from all sides.

Visit the classroom. Go to open house night at the school and listen to the teacher's expectations and watch her style so that you can get a feel for how she may interact with the students and run her classroom. Plant yourself outside the classroom door as if you're there to pick your child up early, so that you can watch how they relate to one another. Or just pop in (with the principal's okay).

If what you hear is in line with the complaints you've been hearing at home, then it may be time to take action. If not, then it may call for a little more investigation before you stage a teacher takeover

ISSUE: You've identified the problem. It's time to make a date with the teacher.

STEP 3: If the complaints last at least a week or if you see a sudden change in your child's behavior (i.e., he becomes more anxious and clingy, has trouble sleeping, or starts refusing to go to school) set up a conference ASAP with the teacher. The goal in the meeting is to see if your child and teacher are able to talk through their differences and come up with a positive solution.

Best Parent Response:

Call the teacher. Set up an appointment. Let her know that you have some concerns that you want to share and that you hope you can resolve them together.

Start on a positive note. Briefly describe the problem and stick to the facts as you know them. Use caution and listen to the teacher's side. Once you've laid it on the line, ask her what the two of you can do to solve the problem. Letting the teacher know that you are willing to work with her, and not against her, will go a long way towards garnering results.

Bring your child to the meeting. If your child is older, have him attend the meeting with you and let him do the speaking. Explain to the teacher that you are there to support your child but that he needs to try and work things out on his own. Once there, watch the teacher's interaction with your child. Are you catching positive vibes and a genuine concern? Is your child more anxious or relaxed? The goal in the meeting is to see if your child and teacher are able to talk through their differences and come up with a positive solution.

Clue your child in to the consequences. Let your child know he may not be able to transfer classes before you go into the meeting. It's important that he understands that a positive resolution with that particular teacher is the best solution in the likely event that he will remain in the same classroom for the rest of the school year.

By the end of the meeting, you and the teacher should come up with a positive solution. If not (or if you see things are tense) go to Step 4.

ISSUE: No resolution with the teacher. It's time to take your issue to the higher-ups.

STEP 4: If things continue to be tense despite the meeting, if the teacher refuses to meet with you or if your child's behavior or learning begins to slide, set up a meeting with the principal or counselor immediately. It's important that you get someone involved who is in a position to address your concerns about the teacher with some action.

Stay calm and stick to facts. Tell your side of the story from a factual point of view. It may also be helpful to have a written record of the complaint and any steps or actions (like the previous teacher conference) that you have taken up to that point.

Meet with superintendent or school board. If there's no resolution, request a meeting with the superintendent or school board.

Realize you may have to switch schools. Keep in mind that you may end up having to switch schools, but a positive learning experience is crucial for your child's education. In the end, you just want to find the solution that provides the safest, healthiest environment for your child to learn and grow.

Like any other parenting problem, the key to solving this one is patience. In most cases, our children are spending their days with qualified educators who will help them to grow and prosper as the school year progresses. If there truly is a problem that needs to be solved, it will benefit both you and your child if you handle it in a calm, respectful way that isn't accusatory or attacking. After all, you are your child's teacher outside of the classroom...so always keep in mind that those little eyes will be watching!

Q&A: When Discipline Is Too Strict

2009-10-15T21:00:00Z

I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along, but I feel as though my boyfriend doesn't have the same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son--especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. He can not color, can not read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the TV he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying.

My son is a good kid, he doesn't misbehave, doesn't have fights in school, he doesn't talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesn't focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is: Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe a little and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.

-Jessica Diaz

I read your note and I am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severely damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.

Your boyfriend is threatening your child ("I will hit you."). The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week--and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)

Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple"--it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "forgive and forget." The parent and child relationship remains intact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that's fair and reasonable.

PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

How to Turn Pessimistic Kids into Optimistic Thinkers

2009-09-25T14:23:59Z

"Why should I bother? You know they won't choose me."
"What's the point? I'll never make the team."
"Why are you making me go? You know I won't have fun."

Let's face it: Kids with pessimistic attitudes are among the most frustrating breeds. They give up easily, believe anything they do won't make a difference, and assume they won't succeed. Sadly, they rarely see the wonderful things in life. They dwell instead on the negative, bad parts, and often find only the inadequacies in themselves: "I'm so dumb, why study?" "Nobody's going to like me, why bother?" (The trend is increasing: a child today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century.) So what's a parent to do?

First, do know that I empathize if you have one of these little critters. I know this is troubling stuff, and at times even heartbreaking. After all, the hardest parts of being a parent are the times when your child isn't happy. But there is one point you must keep in mind: Kids are not born pessimistic. Research shows a large part of this attitude is learned along the way. So take heart: research at Penn State University concludes that parents can help their kids become more optimistic. Doing so will dramatically increase the likelihood of your son or daughter's long-term happiness. So roll up your sleeves, and let's get started. Here are secrets that will make a real difference in your child's life, from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

]]> Eliminate the negatives you can. Start by doing what you can do: Cut the sources that might be exacerbating your kid's pessimism. Why not reduce the terrifying news on CNN; stop talking about the bad stuff on the front page; listen to your own negative talk and curb it; monitor the cynical musical lyrics your kid is hearing? Where once those tragic and terrifying world events seemed so far, far away or only printed words in the newspaper, they are now 24/7 on our TVs and Internet screens. So be more vigilant and turn off what you can control. Enough!

2. Look for the positive. Consciously stress a more optimistic outlook in your home so your child sees the good parts of life instead of just the down side. For instance, start nightly "Good News Reports": each family member can report something good that happened that day to him or her. Or share optimistic stories. The world is filled with examples of individuals who suffered enormous obstacles, but didn't cave in to pessimistic thinking. Instead they remained optimistic, and kept at their dreams until they succeeded. Look for those examples to share with your kids.

• Institute goodness reviews. Each night start a new ritual with your child of reviewing all the good parts about her day. Your child will go to sleep remembering the positives about life. If you do it often enough, it will become a routine that she will do on her own.

3. Confront pessimistic thinking. Don't let your child get trapped into "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Help him tune into his pessimistic thoughts and learn to confront them. You could point out cynicism by creating a code (pulling on your ear or touching your elbow) that only you and your kid are aware of. The code means he's uttered a cynical comment. Encourage your kid to listen to his own cynical comments and maybe count them for a set time period: "For the next few minutes listen to how many times you say downbeat things." A young kid can count comments on his fingers. An older kid can use coins, moving one from his left to right pocket.

4. Balance pessimistic talk. One way to thwart your kid's pessimistic thinking is by providing a more balanced perspective. If you use the strategy enough, your child will use it herself. Suppose she won't go to her friend's birthday, thinking no one likes her. Offer a more balanced view: "If Sunny didn't like you, you'd never have been invited." Or if your kid blows her math test, exclaiming that she's stupid, you can say: "Nobody can be good at everything. You're good in history and art. Meanwhile, let's figure out how to improve your math."

5. Deal with mistakes optimistically. Pessimists often give up at the first sign of difficulty, not recognizing that mistakes are a fact of life. Stress that it's okay to make mistakes. Give kids permission to fail so they can take risks. Admit your mistakes. It helps when kids understand that mistake-making happens to everyone. Or even call it another name. Optimists call mistakes by other names--glitch, bug, etc.--so rename it!

6. Encourage positive speculation. Help your child think through possible outcomes of any situation so he'll be more likely to have a realistic appraisal before making any decision--and less likely to utter a pessimistic one. Ask him "what if" kinds of questions to help him think about potential consequences. List pros and cons of any choice to help him weigh the positive and negative outcomes. Or name the worst thing that could happen if he followed through, so he can weigh if it's all that bad.

7. Acknowledge a positive attitude. Do be on the alert for those times your child does utter optimism. If you're not looking for the behavior, you may well miss those moments when she's trying a new approach. "Kara, I know how difficult your spelling tests have been. But saying you think you'll do better was being so optimistic. I'm sure you'll do better because you've been studying so hard."

Face it, this is a troubling time to be growing up, and cynical kids tune into the bad times, often seeing only the down side of any situation. The world really is a wonderful and hopeful place. We just need to take the time and point out all the goodness in it to our kids. After all, this is their world, and the habits they learn now will last them a lifetime. Let's make sure that one of those habits is optimistic thinking.

High School "Slut List of 2010": A Wake-Up Call for Parents

2009-09-25T05:00:00Z

A high school "Slut List of 2010" is causing nationwide concern amongst educators and parents. The list, featuring almost two dozen names of 13 and 14-year-old freshman girls, was widely circulated amongst students at Millburn High School in New Jersey.

Among the sexually explicit details and highly derogatory comments (supplied by Millburn-Short Hills Patch) are:

"My friends practice giving head on me because I'm a man."
" I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you [drugs] for free if you get with me."
"I want it so bad I'll beg you to stick it in."
"I (censored) like I blow the candles out on the menorah."
"Keeping up with the family tradition, [blank] me.... and knock me up."

]]> In addition to the "slut list" there are other allegations, including stories of freshmen being slammed into lockers and seniors blowing loud whistles into the targeted girls' faces. The "prank" was made public after half a dozen parents complained (thank heavens) to school officials. School superintendent Richard Brodow e-mailed parents, saying that hazing was not only against school policy, it was "just plain wrong." (Interesting thing is that apparently this "slut list" is a high-school tradition that has "welcomed" incoming freshmen for the last 10 or 15 years. My, my, wouldn't that make any kid feel welcome and safe?)

So what's going on? It's clear that it's sexual harassment--intentional, mean, and aggressive behavior which can cause a victim (any girl on that list) severe anxiety and distress. But such an incident affects not only those victims, but an entire student body.

Such insidious incidents break down the foundation of a "safe and caring learning environment" and destroy the fiber that creates a moral community. It creates a hostile atmosphere for its victims and for bystanders.

But there are also a few parenting wake-up calls here -- lessons you should learn because these incidents are not just happening at this high school. So let's take a look at a few more details in order to recognize a few disturbing youth trends:

Wake-Up Call #1: The infamous "slut-list" was generated by senior girls at a "sleep-over." Girls also distributed the list and senior girls on the soccer team blew the whistles in the freshmen's faces and pushed them into lockers.
Parenting Lesson: Research finds that the "sugar and spice" gender is not only no longer always "nice" but also becoming more violent and aggressive. This is a growing and disturbing trend that is not just happening at this high school. Let's raise our daughters to be assertive -- but respectfully so.

Wake-Up Call #2: Many of the students at that high school reported to the press that the incident is getting far too much press and has been blown "way out of proportion." The whole slut-list thing, they said, was just meant to be "fun." Oh really? Fun? Slamming younger girls into lockers? Blowing whistles in their faces? Making them wear stickers on their backs that read: "Whore" or "Slut"? Fun?
Parenting Lesson: Watch out. Cruelty is learned and slowly becomes "acceptable" if it's allowed to continue. Each cruel act becomes easier, and here I see some of these students adopting the belief that "it's cool to be cruel" as they lose touch with the feelings of those victims. There's nothing fun about peer intimidation or being slammed into a locker. How do you ever feel safe in such a school again?

Wake-Up Call #3: Millburn High School is a top-ranked school that was selected by Newsweek as one of the most prestigious high schools in the United States. It's also in Essex County township, one of those Norman Rockwell kind of places where you want to raise a family.
Parenting Lesson: Moral intelligence that helps our kids become compassionate, respectful, good citizens who know right from wrong is a separate ability from mental aptitude. Make sure you are stressing both commodities. What good is a high SAT score or attending one of the top-ranked high schools in the nation if you graduate with only a strong mind void of a caring heart? My definition of a safe and caring school is straight from the TV show Cheers: it's "a place where everyone knows your name, and everyone's glad you came." I just can't imagine any student -- regardless of those high-ranking and multiple AP class options, saying, "Yep, that's my school."

Let's wise up folks and keep our eye on these trends. They are learned and can be turned around. This is not the way to raise future citizens and it should be a wake-up call for us all.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of 23 parenting books, including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries which includes dozens of practical, research-based ways to turn troubling trends such as insensitivity, bullying, and aggressiveness around.

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions

2009-09-10T15:17:45Z

Watch Michele Borba talk about her new book:

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

How to Teach Our Kids the Skills of Self-Defense

2009-09-03T15:03:44Z

Kidnappings and sexual abuse have always been a parent's worst nightmare. This week our hearts go out to Jaycee Dugard and her parents. We can only imagine a smidgeon of their suffering.

Our instinct is to keep our kids inside and watch them like a hawk, but it's crucial to keep things in perspective. The fact is, our kids are more likely to die in our bathtubs than be abducted.

Only one in 500,000 children¹ are abducted by a stranger. Most kidnappers are someone the child personally knows. In fact, research shows that 85 percent² of kids found alive after being abducted did not consider their kidnapper to be a stranger.

While there are no guarantees for our children's health and well-being, research shows that we can help kids learn simple safety tips so they will be less likely to be harmed. Though you may fear that talking about such frightening issues will scare the pants off your kids, not doing so is a big mistake. The secret is bringing up such topics in a relaxed way (just as you discuss other daily matters) and not to cover too many skills at once (as well as, of course, the kinds of safety know-how he needs at that point in his life).

Here are a few safety strategies from my book, Big Book of Parenting Solutions, you can review with your child.

]]> Keep close tabs. Know where your kids are. Period. Know their friends and their friend's parents. Have your tween get into the habit of checking in with you so you know where he is at all times. Consider purchasing an inexpensive cell phone with a GPS tracking device for a younger child, or a simple no-frills phone for your tween so you can monitor his comings and goings.

Teach "not okay" touching. Teach "private" body parts and the difference between "okay" and "not okay" touches. Then help your child to say "No!" if someone tries to touch him, or makes him feel afraid, uncomfortable or confused, and that he needs to get away as quickly as possible. Practice saying "no" using a firm and determined voice.

Emphasize, "No secrets allowed." Set a rule: "If any adult tells you to keep a secret, tell me right away." Discussion starters: "You can tell me anything, so don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed." "Remember our rule: we don't keep secrets if someone could be hurt. If any adult tells you to keep a secret, come and tell me right away."

Help your child recognize suspicious behavior. Instead of scaring (and possibly even confusing) your kids with the "Stranger = Danger" approach, experts suggest that a better approach is to teach kids to recognize suspicious situations. Here are a few adult behaviors to teach your kids to be aware of:

• An adult asking for help to find his child or puppy.
• Someone who offers you a treat or present.
• Someone who feigns an emergency and says Mommy or Daddy is hurt.
• Someone who fakes being a friend of Mom or Dad.

Remind your child he can always ask a stranger for help but a stranger does not ask kids for help. Role-play suspicious situations such as these with your child, so he'll become more alert and can respond quicker if the real issue ever arises.

Establish a family secret code. Choose some simple, memorable phrase like "geronimo" and then stress that the code must remain secret. The only ones who know are your family, a designated family friend or relative who is your emergency contact, or trusted individuals (such as a nanny or ongoing babysitter). When I deal with children I am picking up for rescue and escort them to a shelter, the first thing I tell the child is the secret code the child's mother gave me. I then instruct the child to not get in the car with me until he calls his mother on my phone, standing several yards from my car to verify this is the mother's request. Tell your child the same rule.

Create a code via text. Create a secret message via text that your older child can use on his cell to reach you. It should be simple and short (123 or ABC) and should never be used for anything but a real emergency. A young girl two weeks ago in California was able to text her mother that she was in danger and needed help. Her mother called the police, had that phone traced and saved her daughter from a potential tragedy.

Emphasize never meeting someone you met online. Forbid your child to ever divulge personal information such as his name (or yours), address, birthday or phone number online. Emphasize that your child should never, under absolutely any circumstances, meet anyone he has connected with by phone or online. Explain that someone posing as an 11-year old online could actually be a 30-year-old child molester.

Teach: "Drop, yell and run." If your child needs to get away quickly, teach him to drop whatever he is carrying (you run faster if you're not carrying something), yell and make a loud scene, and run. If possible, run toward an adult and yell, "Help! This is not my dad!" If he is grabbed he should fight back, scream and hold on to anything -- such as his bicycle handles or car door -- to make it more difficult for an abductor to take him. Emphasize that you never will be upset if your child loses something or hurts someone if he's trying to protect himself.

Review "trusted" caregivers. Encourage your child come to you and tell you anything. Also name specific caregivers your child should go to in case you are not available (a specific teacher, a relative, a neighbor).

Teach 9-1-1. Make sure your child knows how to dial 9-1-1 for help and that your phones are programmed with your number so your child can reach you. Remind your child repeatedly to never open your house door to a stranger. Never tell someone your parents are not home. If your child has a cell phone, program the speed dial for 9-1-1.

Any tough topic should never be a one-time discussion but an ongoing conversation. The key point to make is always: "Remember, I love you no matter what." Your child needs to know you are always there to help him whatever the situation may be. Now go hug your child.

¹One in 500,000 abductions are by complete strangers: P. Statman, On the Safe Side, NY HarperCollins, 1995, p. 21.

²National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) research found 85 percent of kids found alive after being abducted did not consider their kidnapper to be a stranger: Nancy Huehnergarth, "Danger Zone," Parents, Jan 2005, p. 155.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

Parents Guide To Handling Homework Headache

2009-08-27T15:16:57Z

According to a survey by Public Agenda almost half of all parents of school-age students said they have arguments involving tears or yelling with their kids about homework. And one third of parents admit those school assignments cause repeated kid meltdowns. There's been some controversy lately about homework that some say isn't necessary, assigned by an administrative policy that's trying to make the parents feel the school is serious about education, or being sure their attendees pass standardized tests. Research says that the right kind of homework assignments enhances children's learning as well as helping them acquire the essential skills for success in school and life (such as organization, self-pacing, problem solving, internal motivation, concentration, memory, goal setting, good old "stick-to-it-ness") and don't forget, they might learn something!

So here are a few tips to help parents weigh the battle versus the learning. The key is a bit of organization from the start.

Make homework mandatory, not a choice. From the beginning maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Your kid needs to know that homework is not an option. Enforce the "work before play" rule.

Your role is guider, not doer. While you need to make sure they understand the concepts and are capable of the assignments, once they do, step back! Use the mantra: "Never do for your child, what your child can do for himself." It may take a bit of adjustment, but hang tight until you reach the desired change: independent, self-motivated learners.

Know the teacher's expectations. Be clear as to expectations and homework policy so you are all on the same page. If your child is in middle school she probably has a number of teachers, so you will have to do the same query per teacher. Many teachers prefer an email query- find out how the teacher prefers to be contacted. Most important: Find out on an average, how long should the homework take per night? That answer will help your determine if your child has too much work, is a procrastinator, has a learning disability or lacks study skills. Talk with your child so he knows you are not only aware of those expectations but support them

]]> Develop a weekly homework reminder. Teach your child to create a simple reminder of daily or weekly assignments as well as a long-term projects and reports. A white board or chalkboard is preferable because it is reusable. With a permanent marker list the days of the week or month and then note regular daily or weekly assignments (Monday: sharing; Wednesday: library; Friday: spelling test) as well as practice dates, scout meetings, tutoring, etc. Use a different color to represent each kid (John is blue; Sally is green). The goal is for your child to be able to do this on her own.

Create a special homework spot. Involve your child in the selection and stock it with necessary school supplies. It helps your kid get organized and saves time wasters: "I can't find a ruler!" The general rule is the younger the child, the closer that spot will be near you. Put the computer in a place where you can carefully view what your child is doing online. Background noise from TV is distracting. Turn it off.

Set a routine. Select a time that works best for your kid to do his--after school, before dinner, after dinner--then stick to it. Ask your child for his input and do try to accommodate his schedule. A set and predictable schedule helps defray the battles and gets your kid on a routine. Drawing a clock face of the set time helps younger kids. Set up a rule, "Homework first, then play."

Praise efforts! A Columbia University study found that praising your child's work effort (not inherent intelligence "You're so smart") stretches persistence, develops a positive mindset and increases grades. And restrain the urges to correct all his errors or focus on the mistakes.

Teach study skills. Usually the biggest reason for those homework battles is that kids don't have study skills. So slowly make sure your child has those skills.

Planning skills. Make a list of what needs to be done in order of priority. He then cross each off as done. A young child can draw a different task on paper strips then put them in the order he plans to complete them, and then staple the packet together. Each time a task is finished, your child tears off a strip until no more remain.

Divide the assignment into smaller parts. Breaking up homework into smaller chunks is often helpful for kids who have difficulty sticking to a task or seem overwhelmed with an assignment. Just tell your child to do "one chunk at a time." Gradually you can increase the size of the "work chunks" as your child's confidence increases.

Respect learning style. Tune into how your child learns and encourage it! Visual: Draw pictures, color code, Auditory: Hears it, plugs in music to tune out sound, hums as he reads, says words out loud. Kinesthetic: Moves - so don't stop him. If your child has trouble focusing, then suggest he work in 20 minutes bouts then take a quick refresher break.

Do the hardest first. Teach your child to do the hardest homework assignment first. It takes the most concentration (which is usually at the beginning of a study session) and the longest time.

Put away. Once done, establish a routine that she immediately puts the work in her folder or binder placed in her backpack and set by the door to find the next morning.

Set a consequence for incomplete work. If you find out the homework isn't getting done and done with the quality you expect, then announce a consequence. For instance, if work isn't finished by a predetermined time (ideally, the same time each night), your kid knows he will lose a desired privilege either that evening or the following day.

Stay in touch with the teacher, especially if you see your child is struggling. Consider a tutor! When you see your child struggling, homework becomes an ongoing battle and your relationship with your kid is taking a dive), your child continues to fall behind despite homework efforts, then consider a tutor. Consider a high school kid or even retired teacher. Then make a plan with the teacher so your child is being tutored in exact needed areas.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

Don't Miss Signs of Teen Depression

2009-08-26T19:13:29Z

All teens can be irritable, want to be secretive, and appear and even act alien- like. But when should a parent worry--really worry about their child? Did you know that one in 12 teens suffered at least one episode of major depression in the last year? Of those, a full 60 percent are not getting treatment.

That question has caused many a sleepless night for moms and dads. The more you understand typical adolescent behavior and the signs of depression, the better you'll be at tailoring your parenting to this "new tenant" of yours and getting your teen the help he or she may need.

I'm concerned that many parents are missing those crucial warning signs and too many of our teens are suffering needlessly from depression. Depression is a serious disease that affects approximately 2 million adolescents in the United States. Depression is treatable. I'm so concerned that I've partnered with Forest Laboratories to help educate parents about teen depression.

A recent survey of parents of adolescents (aged 13-17) found that parents are missing the symptoms of depression. Of parents who said they were at least somewhat knowledgeable about the symptoms of depression, 89 percent claimed they would be able to tell if their son or daughter was exhibiting symptoms. However, when asked to identify the symptoms, only 44 percent of parents were able to correctly identify the majority of them (5 out of 9).

]]> 1. Know your teen's normal. Some teens are a bit moodier, restless, or private. Your job is to discover your adolescent's typical everyday behavior. Tune in a bit closer because once you really know his personality and temperament, look for a marked change in what's typical for your adolescent.

2. Get to know the signs of teen depression. Unfortunately there really is no clear-cut "warning list" as to when we should seek professional help for our sons and daughters. But there are a few signs that can be valuable clues that all is not well. The problem is most parents appear to be missing those crucial signs so here are a few things to be on the alert for. The truth is every teen is going to feel sad or be angry, but if you see a sudden change in your son or daughter's usual behavior that lasts every day for at least two weeks then something is going on and you should look further into the cause or get help. In particular look for a depressed or irritable mood and excessive feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt.

Depressed mood. Is this energetic teen of yours suddenly lethargic? Does he sleep too much or not enough? Are you seeing a teen who is just sitting around and doesn't have the mojo?
Pulls back from interests. Those things your teen used to love to do - basketball, yoga, reading, texting - he or she does no more. Your teen pulls back from his or her interests and withdraws from what you know he or she loves.
Irritability or marked behavior change. There's a marked, sudden, or intense change in your teen's behavior such as agitation, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt or trouble in school. Is your adolescent suddenly spending more and more alone time, appear sad or have a much tougher time concentrating?
Physical changes. Are you noticing a significant weight loss or weight gain? A big change in eating habits? Other people who know your child well have shared their concerns. Don't be so quick to dismiss the comment. They might be seeing your teen in a different situation or group. Instead, ask for specifics. What exactly is the concern? How often do they see the behavior? How long has the behavior been going on? Enlist the help of those individuals who care about your teen and whose opinions you trust.

3. Get help! Yes, adolescent depression is serious but your teen does not have to suffer. Depression is a debilitating, yet a treatable illness. In fact, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recently approved another treatment option for depression in adolescents. Talk therapy also offers promising results. And a government task force recently called for routine depression screening for all teens, not just those at high-risk for depression, so expect your doctor to ask questions.

There are serious consequences for not getting a diagnosis or treatment for a teen. If you ever have a feeling that something is wrong and that your teen may be suffering from depression, then please don't wait. Pick up the phone and call your doctor. When it's about your child's well-being, nothing--absolutely nothing-- is more important than peace of mind.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

10 Tips to Keep Your Kids Safe Online

2009-08-11T16:05:05Z

Cyber-bullying is whenever kids deliberately harass someone (peers or adults) and involves any electronic technologies such as email, cell phones, page text messages, instant messaging (IM), blogs or websites. The intention is always to harm others. I'm writing today as part of a series so that parents can help their kids deal with this troubling new trend. The first step is to stop and take time to know what's happening in your child's world. The second step is to teach online safety tips to kids.

Two great sites that offer advice to parents and kids are:

http://www.WiredKids.org
http://StopCyberbullying.org

Here are few of many tips from my book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions to help you keep your kids safe online.

Hold a media talk. If your child isn't talking about cyber-bullying, don't assume he hasn't been affected. Let him know you're aware of the darker side of Cyberspace. Start the discussion: "What have you heard about..." "What are the other kids saying?" Let your child know from the start using your family computer is a privilege and comes with responsibility. That privilege will be removed immediately if your child abuses your family's rules.

Don't be too tough. This one sounds contradictory but here's the low down: A study at Clemson University found that kids often did not tell their parents about cyberbullying for fear of losing online privileges. One study found that almost 60 percent of kids did not tell their parents when someone was abusive to them online. So don't overreact or ban him from using the Internet altogether.

Monitor your computer. Do you know what your child is doing online? Does she have a Xanga, use instant messaging, have a blog, visit chat rooms, frequent game rooms? Does your kid really need that fancy cell phone with all the attachments allowing straight Internet access?

]]> Provide clear electronic guidelines. "Never, ever put anything in an email, IM, blog, text-message or website that you would not everyone to see or would be hurtful. Never send anything you wouldn't want said about you." Or teach the headline test: "Would you want what you wrote printed up for all the world to read in front page headlines?" Police officers tell me that one reason cyberbullying is so rampant is that kids feel their actions can't be tracked back to sender. Not so! Stress that new software allows law enforcement to discover the sender and are taking cyberbullying very seriously.

Do NOT respond. Stress to your child that bullies seek reaction so don't give the kid what he wants. Do not respond or click. It only will intensify things. If you do, the bully wins and usually will continue. Do not forward any vicious email to another party. The email, text, or message stays in your inbox. Turn off the monitor; walk away from the computer, and tell an adult. (Don't turn off the computer. You will lose the evidence).

Block communication. If your child is victimized change your phone number, your child's password, and email account and talk to your service provider. Keep your child's account numbers and passwords handy at all times. Have the phone number to your cell phone company and the URL of your computer server handy so you can change your child's password and account in the event he is harassed.

Don't delete. You may need evidence to prove that your child is being cyberbullied. So tell your kid to not push that delete button too quickly. Instead save any evidence by printing out the message so you can use it later.

Google your child. Periodically check to see what is being said about your child online. Seriously! Just put your child's name in quotes into the search bar on your computer. How often does your child's name come up? What kinds of comments are being said about your kid?

Tell authorities. In some cases you may need to decide whether the situation warrants telling authorities or school officials. You may need to advocate for your child.

Change your password. Passwords should periodically be changed and never given out. By the way, when's the last time you changed your family's password or your child's password? Why not do so right now?

Cyberbullying is painful stuff and your child needs your empathy. So watch your child a bit closer. Tune into her emotional signs. Don't let your child be victimized. And don't let your child victimize others. In some cases, cyberbullying has caused depression and suicides amongst victims. Do what you need to do to protect your child.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

Help Your Child Make New Friends and Fit into a New Social Scene

2009-08-05T14:27:39Z

Any new social scene can be really tough. Having all new classmates, joining a brand-new group of kids on a soccer team, transferring to a new school, going away to camp alone and most of all moving isn't easy. And oh how kids can pour on the guilt to remind us they're not happy campers: "You're ruining my life!" "Why do I have to go to this new school?" "Why can't we move back to our old neighborhood? Do you have any idea how unhappy you made me?"

Knowing that our kids are lonely, feel left out, and desperately miss their old group is tough. As much as we'd love to, we can't instantly wipe away our their pain because their best friends are left behind and they can't fit in with the new crowd. But we can ease their discomfort by making the transition a bit smoother. We can help them find ways to make new friends. And we even can teach them new friendship making skills that actually may be ones they can use in other social arenas. So think positively, and stay focused on what you can do to boost your child's friendship quotient and get him through this tough time. Here are a few parenting solutions to help your child get started fitting into any new social scene.

Acknowledge feelings. If your child doesn't share her feelings, you can help her recognize how she feels: "You must be feeling lonely and miss your old group." "I can you're worried." It's tough to join a new team when you don't any of the kids. Let her know such feelings are normal.

Be reassuring. "It may take time to meet new kids and make new friends. Many of these kids have been friends with one another for quite a while, and may not be too receptive to a new person joining in." "Remember way back when you didn't know anybody--even Kevin, and then you became great friends. It will take time, but you'll make new friends just like you did at our other home."

Become acquainted with other parents. Be a room parent, offer to carpool, sign up to coach, be the team mom, meet other camper parents, and attend PTA meetings and other school functions. Getting to know parents of your child's potential friends is often a great way to invite the families over, giving your child the opportunity to have a new playmate. Also, introduce yourself to the neighbors: sometimes our kid's best friends can be literally next door. Find out who amongst your work colleagues has children: it's a way to learn not only about available kid activities, but also to arrange play dates for younger children (or find a babysitter!).
]]> Tour the new surroundings. Take your child to visit his new school and neighborhood ideally before the move. Schedule times to meet the principals and his teachers. Ask if there's anyway your child can have the phone number or e-mail addresses of another other kids. If possible watch a team practice, talk to the coach or to former members to find out what it's like to be on this team.

Find outlets for your kid that attract peers. Look for opportunities for your child to meet kids anywhere or elsewhere--for example, scouting, park and recreation programs, Boys and Girls Clubs, YMCAs, 4-H, Teen Clubs, church groups, sports teams, library programs, after-school programs, or other youth groups. Pediatricians' offices and libraries often are a good place for picking up schedules of upcoming kid events. Your goal is to help your kids find ways to meet new kids. Making the friends is her job--helping her find potential friendship possibilities is your role.

Seek activities that match your child's interests. If your child enjoys tennis, make sure she's on the courts. If he likes music, sign him up for classes. If he loves to swim, enroll him in the YMCA. If there's a particular sport or hobby that seems to be hot in town with the kids your child's age: soccer, skateboarding, roller blading, dirt biking, jazz, band, chess. The trick is to match the activity with your child's strengths and interests. Then provide lessons and help him practice so his confidence grows and hopefully he can use the new skill to meet new kids. Meeting kids with the same interests raises the chances of going from acquaintance to friend. That's because kids who share the same interests are more likely to want to be together.

Help your kid blend in. Clothes, hair-cuts, shoes styles, and accessories really do matter in helping kids gain peer approval and communities do have their own culture. So visit your kid's school (if possible even before the move) and study the appearance of the more popular kids. Does your kid dress like them? If not, help him find the styles so he blends in. Any tip is to find a store nearby the new school where kids shop. Ask a manager or clerk what the "in-colors or styles" of backpacks, shoes, clothes or accessories are for other kids your child's age.

Provide a telephone book. Provide your child with a small book (or at least a note card) to keep in his pocket or backpack. If he does meet someone new, suggest that he write the kid's name, phone number, and even e-mail address on the card.

Teach new social skills. Learning any new skill takes practice. So role-play with your child how to greet someone or ask to play a game as often as it takes for him to be comfortable using it on his own. Begin by you introducing yourself to your child so he can see what it looks like. Try to find opportunities for your child to see you using the skill in the real world: deliberately introduce yourself to as many new people as you can (in the grocery line, at school, at the park). Kids really learn new skills best by first watching, then trying. So give him plenty of opportunities to see this skill in action.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.