Dr. Michele Borba's Parenting Solutions

It's Time to Talk to Your Kid About Drinking

2009-11-17T00:00:00Z

Now is exactly when you should talk to your kid about alcohol. In fact, the earlier the better. And here's why. Kids are having their first drink three-and-a-half years earlier than kids from the baby-boomer generation. Seven percent of fourth graders and more than 8 percent of fifth graders have drunk beer, liquor, or wine coolers in the past year; and 27 percent of sixth graders have used alcohol at least once this past year. One-out-of-six eighth graders are current drinkers. Some reports say that girls are binge drinking as frequently (or even more) as boys.52 Kids form beliefs about alcohol very early in life, even before they start elementary school.Parents also have far more influence on their children's attitudes when the kids are young. Children nine or under generally perceive drinking as negative, but around thirteen their views change and become more positive.

]]> These statistics give you all the reason you need to start those "drinking talks" by the fourth grade at the very latest. There is one additional irrefutable research-based finding you can't ignore:the earlier kids start to drink, the more likely they are to have alcohol problems later in life. Children who start to drink before the age of fifteen are four times more likely to report the criteria for alcohol dependence. Research shows that thirteen thousand kids will take their first drink today. Underage drinking is clearly a problem.

Here are solutions to prepare you for that critical must-have ongoing parenting talk with your child about drinking:

Take a reality check. Please don't hold on to a "not my kid" attitude. Underage drinking is a growing problem that we simply can't ignore. Here are signs that your child may be drinking:
- Slurred or slowed speech, lack of coordination, difficulty carrying on a conversation
- Efforts to mask his breath (such as using mouthwash, gum, or mints)
- Hanging around a group of much older kids, sneaking out or not telling you where he was or going
- Mysteriously dwindling home liquor supply; hidden liquor bottles
- Unaccounted charges on your credit card from Web sites, pharmacies, or grocery or liquor stores
- Bloodshot eyes, sleeping in, or trouble waking
- Use of names of drinking games, such as Century Club, Power Hour, Quarters, Flippy Cup

Be a good model. Kids get their views about alcohol from watching your behavior and listening to your comments. So watch your own party scene. Forget trying to tell your teen to be a responsible driver later on if you're not one now. Don't glamorize alcohol or say you're using it as a way to unwind; for example, never say "I sure could use a drink!" Instead, show kids other ways you relax. If you're not an example of responsible behavior, don't expect your kid to act responsibly. Your actions speak louder than your words.

Set clear rules against drinking. Feel free to be puritanical and strict. Consistently enforcing those rules and monitoring your kid's behavior will help reduce the likelihood of underage drinking. A study of over a thousand teens found that kids with "hands-on" parents who establish clear behavior expectations, monitor their comings and goings, and aren't afraid to say no are four times less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking. Be a parent, not a pal. (By the way, don't believe the myth that you should let your underage kid learn to drink in the comforts of home because "youngsters in countries with a lower legal age drink more moderately." There is no scientific proof of this claim.)

Start early and talk often. This point cannot be overstated: you must talk to your child about drinking, and the earlier the better. Before age nine, kids usually perceive alcohol negatively and see drinking as "bad" with negative consequences. By around the age of thirteen, kids' views of alcohol shift toward the positive and become harder to change. Some kids are experimenting with drinking as young as ten or eleven. It's never too early to start this talk, so don't put it off.

Look for teachable moments. Lectures and stern warnings are kid turnoffs, but you still need to share information about alcohol and its potential dangers. So look for ways to weave the topic naturally into everyday moments. Here are a few ways:

Talk about popular song lyrics. You may not have to look too far -- pull those earphones out of your kid's ear and listen to the lyrics. One out of every three popular songs has a reference to substance abuse -- and alcohol is the substance most frequently mentioned.

Show them news clippings. If you read about an accident caused by a teen drunk driver, cut it out and use it to discuss how drinking not only affects judgment and the ability to perform everyday tasks but also destroys lives -- including your kid's, if he were that driver.

Emphasize the short-term downside. Kids live in the here and now, so it's often a hard sell to try to convince them of the long-term risks: "You'll get cirrhosis of the liver thirty years from now!" You may have better luck stressing the short term: "Your brain is still developing and is more susceptible to damage than adult brains," or "Alcohol affects your central nervous system faster because of your smaller body size, so you are more likely to make serious judgment errors and sustain injuries that could even be life threatening." If that doesn't work, try "You'll be grounded and miss most of your seventh-grade year."

Avoid or utilize alcohol advertising. Long-term studies show that kids who see, hear, and read more alcohol ads are more likely to drink and to drink more heavily than their peers. A study with third, sixth, and ninth graders found those kids who thought alcohol ads were desirable are also more likely to view drinking more positively. Use those frequently aired beer and vodka commercials during those ball games you're watching together as opportunities to discuss your values, concerns, and rules about drinking.

Forbid drinking and driving. It makes no difference that your child does not have a driver's license, let alone a car. Now is the time to stress one emphatic rule: "Never, ever drink and drive."

Get on board with other parents. Know your kid's friends and their parents. Call any parent hosting a party to ensure that they are really supervising those sleepovers or birthday parties. Most kids take their first drink in their own home or at the home of their friends. In fact, 60 percent of eighth graders say it is fairly or very easy to obtain alcohol -- and the easiest place is in their own home. Count those bottles in your liquor cabinets. Lock up your liquor supply (and don't tell your kids where the key is). And watch your credit card: the hottest new place kids buy alcohol is on the Internet. Just a word to the wise: 99 percent of parents say they would not be willing to serve alcohol at their kid's party, but 28 percent of teens say they have been at supervised parties where alcohol is available. In the same survey, 98 percent of parents say they are present at teen parties at their home, but 33 percent of teens say parents are rarely or never at teen parties. Although the teen party scene may be several years away for you, get to know those parents now. They will be hosting those parties your child may be attending in just a few short years.

Give strategies for avoiding trouble. Forty percent of tweens say they feel pressure from peers to smoke, drink, or take drugs, starting around the age of nine. So teach your child how to buck peer pressure. For example, help your kid come up with reasons that he feels comfortable saying to a peer: "My mom would kill me if she found out -- and she always finds out." "I have a big test on Monday, and I need to study." "I promised my parents I wouldn't drink until I graduate." Let your kids know it's always okay to use you as an excuse ("My mom will ground me for life"). Then be sure to role-play different situations so he's ready to use that line with buddies. Emphasize that anytime he is in a situation where there is alcohol, he should call you and you'll come pick him up -- no questions asked.

Drinking is a serious health problem with devastating consequences for tweens. Research shows that today's kids are drinking at younger ages. The reason most frequently cited by kids for not drinking is their desire not to harm the relationship they have with their parents. A parent's caring, involved relationship with their child is the best way to prevent underage drinking. Stay involved -- you do make a difference!

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including her latest, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

When Your Child and His Teacher Just Can't Get Along

2009-11-11T03:44:38Z

What should you do when your child doesn't like his teacher? Should you call the principal or sit in on the class? Or should you brush it off as a normal childhood grievance and move on? Here are the steps to take to help you navigate this tricky teacher trouble:

]]> ISSUE: Your child complains, "I hate my teacher!"

STEP 1: At some point, most kids are going to come home complaining that they hate their teacher. So don't be too alarmed when you hear those first complaints as you are pulling out of the carpool line after school. It's completely normal for children to feel frustrated with their teachers at some point during their school years so don't fly off the handle.

Best Parent Response:

Listen calmly to complaints and be reassuring. The best policy is to be patient. A child's complaints could be the result of a particularly bad day, her frustration with a difficult test or assignment, or embarrassment over being called down in front of the class. Just listen. Bite your tongue and be reassuring.

Pose "What", not "Why" questions. Asking your child "Why" questions will typically reveal little, so pose "What" queries instead. "What did the teacher do that upset you?" "What time of day did this happen?" "What could your teacher do to make it better?" The answers will help you figure out if this is your child's problem or a conflict with the teacher. (Most common reasons kids say "I hate my teacher": 1. Humiliation because they've been punished, reprimanded or made fun of; 2. Mimicking other kids' comments; 3. Can't meet teacher expectations (which may be too high or too strict); 4. Personality or style clash with the teacher.) You're just gauging if the complaint is really justified. See if your child repeats it -- or if it's just a one-time occurrence.

Watch for your kid's ability to bounce back. Your child may be upset now, but the key is to watch to see how long it takes for him to bounce back. Is he still upset an hour later? Does he have trouble going to sleep? Does he say he doesn't want to go to school the next day? The longer the complaint lasts or the more intense the stress, the more you should pay attention. If complaints cease or your child skips off to play video games ten minutes later, great -- move on. If he doesn't, and the stress lasts (or becomes more intense) it's time to go to Step Two. (For severe stress, go straight to Step Three.)

Warning: Be careful not to badmouth the teacher in front of your child. If the problem miraculously disappears within a day or two, you will run the risk of tainting her view for the rest of the year.

ISSUE: Complaints continue -- but there's no evidence of a clear problem

STEP 2: If complaints continue, seem justified, or your child can't shrug off intense feelings, then it's time to take the next step. Your goal is to see if you can form a plan for resolving whatever issue is as hand. Get to the heart of the matter. Is there a quick resolution?

Warning: Don't be too quick to call the principal and demand that your child be reassigned a new teacher. Doing so only sends your kid the message that you are going swoop in and solve every little problem for her -- and she does need to learn how to get along with all kinds of people.

(If you've identified the problem or see a noticeable unhealthy change in your child's behavior, skip Step 2. Go to Step 3.)

Best Parent Response:

Help your child find a simple solution to resolve the problem at the core of the complaints. For example, if he has poor grades because he can't recall homework assignments, provide a notebook to put inside that backpack so he can write down the assignments. If he gets in trouble for talking to a chatty classmate, tell him to ask the teacher if he can move his seat.

Get perspective from others parents. Talk to some of the other parents to see if their children have expressed similar concerns. Is your child alone with his complaints? Are the complaints justified? Eavesdrop on the carpool conversations. Perhaps the teacher yells at everyone or picks certain children to frequently or assigns too much homework. It's important that you don't just jump to conclusions -- and into action -- before you get the story from all sides.

Visit the classroom. Go to open house night at the school and listen to the teacher's expectations and watch her style so that you can get a feel for how she may interact with the students and run her classroom. Plant yourself outside the classroom door as if you're there to pick your child up early, so that you can watch how they relate to one another. Or just pop in (with the principal's okay).

If what you hear is in line with the complaints you've been hearing at home, then it may be time to take action. If not, then it may call for a little more investigation before you stage a teacher takeover

ISSUE: You've identified the problem. It's time to make a date with the teacher.

STEP 3: If the complaints last at least a week or if you see a sudden change in your child's behavior (i.e., he becomes more anxious and clingy, has trouble sleeping, or starts refusing to go to school) set up a conference ASAP with the teacher. The goal in the meeting is to see if your child and teacher are able to talk through their differences and come up with a positive solution.

Best Parent Response:

Call the teacher. Set up an appointment. Let her know that you have some concerns that you want to share and that you hope you can resolve them together.

Start on a positive note. Briefly describe the problem and stick to the facts as you know them. Use caution and listen to the teacher's side. Once you've laid it on the line, ask her what the two of you can do to solve the problem. Letting the teacher know that you are willing to work with her, and not against her, will go a long way towards garnering results.

Bring your child to the meeting. If your child is older, have him attend the meeting with you and let him do the speaking. Explain to the teacher that you are there to support your child but that he needs to try and work things out on his own. Once there, watch the teacher's interaction with your child. Are you catching positive vibes and a genuine concern? Is your child more anxious or relaxed? The goal in the meeting is to see if your child and teacher are able to talk through their differences and come up with a positive solution.

Clue your child in to the consequences. Let your child know he may not be able to transfer classes before you go into the meeting. It's important that he understands that a positive resolution with that particular teacher is the best solution in the likely event that he will remain in the same classroom for the rest of the school year.

By the end of the meeting, you and the teacher should come up with a positive solution. If not (or if you see things are tense) go to Step 4.

ISSUE: No resolution with the teacher. It's time to take your issue to the higher-ups.

STEP 4: If things continue to be tense despite the meeting, if the teacher refuses to meet with you or if your child's behavior or learning begins to slide, set up a meeting with the principal or counselor immediately. It's important that you get someone involved who is in a position to address your concerns about the teacher with some action.

Stay calm and stick to facts. Tell your side of the story from a factual point of view. It may also be helpful to have a written record of the complaint and any steps or actions (like the previous teacher conference) that you have taken up to that point.

Meet with superintendent or school board. If there's no resolution, request a meeting with the superintendent or school board.

Realize you may have to switch schools. Keep in mind that you may end up having to switch schools, but a positive learning experience is crucial for your child's education. In the end, you just want to find the solution that provides the safest, healthiest environment for your child to learn and grow.

Like any other parenting problem, the key to solving this one is patience. In most cases, our children are spending their days with qualified educators who will help them to grow and prosper as the school year progresses. If there truly is a problem that needs to be solved, it will benefit both you and your child if you handle it in a calm, respectful way that isn't accusatory or attacking. After all, you are your child's teacher outside of the classroom...so always keep in mind that those little eyes will be watching!

Q&A: When Discipline Is Too Strict

2009-10-15T21:00:00Z

I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along, but I feel as though my boyfriend doesn't have the same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son--especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. He can not color, can not read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the TV he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying.

My son is a good kid, he doesn't misbehave, doesn't have fights in school, he doesn't talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesn't focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is: Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe a little and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.

-Jessica Diaz

I read your note and I am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severely damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.

Your boyfriend is threatening your child ("I will hit you."). The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week--and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)

Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple"--it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "forgive and forget." The parent and child relationship remains intact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that's fair and reasonable.

PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being.

Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.

How to Turn Pessimistic Kids into Optimistic Thinkers

2009-09-25T14:23:59Z

"Why should I bother? You know they won't choose me."
"What's the point? I'll never make the team."
"Why are you making me go? You know I won't have fun."

Let's face it: Kids with pessimistic attitudes are among the most frustrating breeds. They give up easily, believe anything they do won't make a difference, and assume they won't succeed. Sadly, they rarely see the wonderful things in life. They dwell instead on the negative, bad parts, and often find only the inadequacies in themselves: "I'm so dumb, why study?" "Nobody's going to like me, why bother?" (The trend is increasing: a child today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century.) So what's a parent to do?

First, do know that I empathize if you have one of these little critters. I know this is troubling stuff, and at times even heartbreaking. After all, the hardest parts of being a parent are the times when your child isn't happy. But there is one point you must keep in mind: Kids are not born pessimistic. Research shows a large part of this attitude is learned along the way. So take heart: research at Penn State University concludes that parents can help their kids become more optimistic. Doing so will dramatically increase the likelihood of your son or daughter's long-term happiness. So roll up your sleeves, and let's get started. Here are secrets that will make a real difference in your child's life, from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

]]> Eliminate the negatives you can. Start by doing what you can do: Cut the sources that might be exacerbating your kid's pessimism. Why not reduce the terrifying news on CNN; stop talking about the bad stuff on the front page; listen to your own negative talk and curb it; monitor the cynical musical lyrics your kid is hearing? Where once those tragic and terrifying world events seemed so far, far away or only printed words in the newspaper, they are now 24/7 on our TVs and Internet screens. So be more vigilant and turn off what you can control. Enough!

2. Look for the positive. Consciously stress a more optimistic outlook in your home so your child sees the good parts of life instead of just the down side. For instance, start nightly "Good News Reports": each family member can report something good that happened that day to him or her. Or share optimistic stories. The world is filled with examples of individuals who suffered enormous obstacles, but didn't cave in to pessimistic thinking. Instead they remained optimistic, and kept at their dreams until they succeeded. Look for those examples to share with your kids.

• Institute goodness reviews. Each night start a new ritual with your child of reviewing all the good parts about her day. Your child will go to sleep remembering the positives about life. If you do it often enough, it will become a routine that she will do on her own.

3. Confront pessimistic thinking. Don't let your child get trapped into "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Help him tune into his pessimistic thoughts and learn to confront them. You could point out cynicism by creating a code (pulling on your ear or touching your elbow) that only you and your kid are aware of. The code means he's uttered a cynical comment. Encourage your kid to listen to his own cynical comments and maybe count them for a set time period: "For the next few minutes listen to how many times you say downbeat things." A young kid can count comments on his fingers. An older kid can use coins, moving one from his left to right pocket.

4. Balance pessimistic talk. One way to thwart your kid's pessimistic thinking is by providing a more balanced perspective. If you use the strategy enough, your child will use it herself. Suppose she won't go to her friend's birthday, thinking no one likes her. Offer a more balanced view: "If Sunny didn't like you, you'd never have been invited." Or if your kid blows her math test, exclaiming that she's stupid, you can say: "Nobody can be good at everything. You're good in history and art. Meanwhile, let's figure out how to improve your math."

5. Deal with mistakes optimistically. Pessimists often give up at the first sign of difficulty, not recognizing that mistakes are a fact of life. Stress that it's okay to make mistakes. Give kids permission to fail so they can take risks. Admit your mistakes. It helps when kids understand that mistake-making happens to everyone. Or even call it another name. Optimists call mistakes by other names--glitch, bug, etc.--so rename it!

6. Encourage positive speculation. Help your child think through possible outcomes of any situation so he'll be more likely to have a realistic appraisal before making any decision--and less likely to utter a pessimistic one. Ask him "what if" kinds of questions to help him think about potential consequences. List pros and cons of any choice to help him weigh the positive and negative outcomes. Or name the worst thing that could happen if he followed through, so he can weigh if it's all that bad.

7. Acknowledge a positive attitude. Do be on the alert for those times your child does utter optimism. If you're not looking for the behavior, you may well miss those moments when she's trying a new approach. "Kara, I know how difficult your spelling tests have been. But saying you think you'll do better was being so optimistic. I'm sure you'll do better because you've been studying so hard."

Face it, this is a troubling time to be growing up, and cynical kids tune into the bad times, often seeing only the down side of any situation. The world really is a wonderful and hopeful place. We just need to take the time and point out all the goodness in it to our kids. After all, this is their world, and the habits they learn now will last them a lifetime. Let's make sure that one of those habits is optimistic thinking.

High School "Slut List of 2010": A Wake-Up Call for Parents

2009-09-25T05:00:00Z

A high school "Slut List of 2010" is causing nationwide concern amongst educators and parents. The list, featuring almost two dozen names of 13 and 14-year-old freshman girls, was widely circulated amongst students at Millburn High School in New Jersey.

Among the sexually explicit details and highly derogatory comments (supplied by Millburn-Short Hills Patch) are:

"My friends practice giving head on me because I'm a man."
" I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you [drugs] for free if you get with me."
"I want it so bad I'll beg you to stick it in."
"I (censored) like I blow the candles out on the menorah."
"Keeping up with the family tradition, [blank] me.... and knock me up."

]]> In addition to the "slut list" there are other allegations, including stories of freshmen being slammed into lockers and seniors blowing loud whistles into the targeted girls' faces. The "prank" was made public after half a dozen parents complained (thank heavens) to school officials. School superintendent Richard Brodow e-mailed parents, saying that hazing was not only against school policy, it was "just plain wrong." (Interesting thing is that apparently this "slut list" is a high-school tradition that has "welcomed" incoming freshmen for the last 10 or 15 years. My, my, wouldn't that make any kid feel welcome and safe?)

So what's going on? It's clear that it's sexual harassment--intentional, mean, and aggressive behavior which can cause a victim (any girl on that list) severe anxiety and distress. But such an incident affects not only those victims, but an entire student body.

Such insidious incidents break down the foundation of a "safe and caring learning environment" and destroy the fiber that creates a moral community. It creates a hostile atmosphere for its victims and for bystanders.

But there are also a few parenting wake-up calls here -- lessons you should learn because these incidents are not just happening at this high school. So let's take a look at a few more details in order to recognize a few disturbing youth trends:

Wake-Up Call #1: The infamous "slut-list" was generated by senior girls at a "sleep-over." Girls also distributed the list and senior girls on the soccer team blew the whistles in the freshmen's faces and pushed them into lockers.
Parenting Lesson: Research finds that the "sugar and spice" gender is not only no longer always "nice" but also becoming more violent and aggressive. This is a growing and disturbing trend that is not just happening at this high school. Let's raise our daughters to be assertive -- but respectfully so.

Wake-Up Call #2: Many of the students at that high school reported to the press that the incident is getting far too much press and has been blown "way out of proportion." The whole slut-list thing, they said, was just meant to be "fun." Oh really? Fun? Slamming younger girls into lockers? Blowing whistles in their faces? Making them wear stickers on their backs that read: "Whore" or "Slut"? Fun?
Parenting Lesson: Watch out. Cruelty is learned and slowly becomes "acceptable" if it's allowed to continue. Each cruel act becomes easier, and here I see some of these students adopting the belief that "it's cool to be cruel" as they lose touch with the feelings of those victims. There's nothing fun about peer intimidation or being slammed into a locker. How do you ever feel safe in such a school again?

Wake-Up Call #3: Millburn High School is a top-ranked school that was selected by Newsweek as one of the most prestigious high schools in the United States. It's also in Essex County township, one of those Norman Rockwell kind of places where you want to raise a family.
Parenting Lesson: Moral intelligence that helps our kids become compassionate, respectful, good citizens who know right from wrong is a separate ability from mental aptitude. Make sure you are stressing both commodities. What good is a high SAT score or attending one of the top-ranked high schools in the nation if you graduate with only a strong mind void of a caring heart? My definition of a safe and caring school is straight from the TV show Cheers: it's "a place where everyone knows your name, and everyone's glad you came." I just can't imagine any student -- regardless of those high-ranking and multiple AP class options, saying, "Yep, that's my school."

Let's wise up folks and keep our eye on these trends. They are learned and can be turned around. This is not the way to raise future citizens and it should be a wake-up call for us all.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of 23 parenting books, including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries which includes dozens of practical, research-based ways to turn troubling trends such as insensitivity, bullying, and aggressiveness around.

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions

2009-09-10T15:17:45Z

Watch Michele Borba talk about her new book:

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

How to Teach Our Kids the Skills of Self-Defense

2009-09-03T15:03:44Z

Kidnappings and sexual abuse have always been a parent's worst nightmare. This week our hearts go out to Jaycee Dugard and her parents. We can only imagine a smidgeon of their suffering.

Our instinct is to keep our kids inside and watch them like a hawk, but it's crucial to keep things in perspective. The fact is, our kids are more likely to die in our bathtubs than be abducted.

Only one in 500,000 children¹ are abducted by a stranger. Most kidnappers are someone the child personally knows. In fact, research shows that 85 percent² of kids found alive after being abducted did not consider their kidnapper to be a stranger.

While there are no guarantees for our children's health and well-being, research shows that we can help kids learn simple safety tips so they will be less likely to be harmed. Though you may fear that talking about such frightening issues will scare the pants off your kids, not doing so is a big mistake. The secret is bringing up such topics in a relaxed way (just as you discuss other daily matters) and not to cover too many skills at once (as well as, of course, the kinds of safety know-how he needs at that point in his life).

Here are a few safety strategies from my book, Big Book of Parenting Solutions, you can review with your child.

]]> Keep close tabs. Know where your kids are. Period. Know their friends and their friend's parents. Have your tween get into the habit of checking in with you so you know where he is at all times. Consider purchasing an inexpensive cell phone with a GPS tracking device for a younger child, or a simple no-frills phone for your tween so you can monitor his comings and goings.

Teach "not okay" touching. Teach "private" body parts and the difference between "okay" and "not okay" touches. Then help your child to say "No!" if someone tries to touch him, or makes him feel afraid, uncomfortable or confused, and that he needs to get away as quickly as possible. Practice saying "no" using a firm and determined voice.

Emphasize, "No secrets allowed." Set a rule: "If any adult tells you to keep a secret, tell me right away." Discussion starters: "You can tell me anything, so don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed." "Remember our rule: we don't keep secrets if someone could be hurt. If any adult tells you to keep a secret, come and tell me right away."

Help your child recognize suspicious behavior. Instead of scaring (and possibly even confusing) your kids with the "Stranger = Danger" approach, experts suggest that a better approach is to teach kids to recognize suspicious situations. Here are a few adult behaviors to teach your kids to be aware of:

• An adult asking for help to find his child or puppy.
• Someone who offers you a treat or present.
• Someone who feigns an emergency and says Mommy or Daddy is hurt.
• Someone who fakes being a friend of Mom or Dad.

Remind your child he can always ask a stranger for help but a stranger does not ask kids for help. Role-play suspicious situations such as these with your child, so he'll become more alert and can respond quicker if the real issue ever arises.

Establish a family secret code. Choose some simple, memorable phrase like "geronimo" and then stress that the code must remain secret. The only ones who know are your family, a designated family friend or relative who is your emergency contact, or trusted individuals (such as a nanny or ongoing babysitter). When I deal with children I am picking up for rescue and escort them to a shelter, the first thing I tell the child is the secret code the child's mother gave me. I then instruct the child to not get in the car with me until he calls his mother on my phone, standing several yards from my car to verify this is the mother's request. Tell your child the same rule.

Create a code via text. Create a secret message via text that your older child can use on his cell to reach you. It should be simple and short (123 or ABC) and should never be used for anything but a real emergency. A young girl two weeks ago in California was able to text her mother that she was in danger and needed help. Her mother called the police, had that phone traced and saved her daughter from a potential tragedy.

Emphasize never meeting someone you met online. Forbid your child to ever divulge personal information such as his name (or yours), address, birthday or phone number online. Emphasize that your child should never, under absolutely any circumstances, meet anyone he has connected with by phone or online. Explain that someone posing as an 11-year old online could actually be a 30-year-old child molester.

Teach: "Drop, yell and run." If your child needs to get away quickly, teach him to drop whatever he is carrying (you run faster if you're not carrying something), yell and make a loud scene, and run. If possible, run toward an adult and yell, "Help! This is not my dad!" If he is grabbed he should fight back, scream and hold on to anything -- such as his bicycle handles or car door -- to make it more difficult for an abductor to take him. Emphasize that you never will be upset if your child loses something or hurts someone if he's trying to protect himself.

Review "trusted" caregivers. Encourage your child come to you and tell you anything. Also name specific caregivers your child should go to in case you are not available (a specific teacher, a relative, a neighbor).

Teach 9-1-1. Make sure your child knows how to dial 9-1-1 for help and that your phones are programmed with your number so your child can reach you. Remind your child repeatedly to never open your house door to a stranger. Never tell someone your parents are not home. If your child has a cell phone, program the speed dial for 9-1-1.

Any tough topic should never be a one-time discussion but an ongoing conversation. The key point to make is always: "Remember, I love you no matter what." Your child needs to know you are always there to help him whatever the situation may be. Now go hug your child.

¹One in 500,000 abductions are by complete strangers: P. Statman, On the Safe Side, NY HarperCollins, 1995, p. 21.

²National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) research found 85 percent of kids found alive after being abducted did not consider their kidnapper to be a stranger: Nancy Huehnergarth, "Danger Zone," Parents, Jan 2005, p. 155.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today show, and mom of three.

Parents Guide To Handling Homework Headache

2009-08-27T15:16:57Z

According to a survey by Public Agenda almost half of all parents of school-age students said they have arguments involving tears or yelling with their kids about homework. And one third of parents admit those school assignments cause repeated kid meltdowns. There's been some controversy lately about homework that some say isn't necessary, assigned by an administrative policy that's trying to make the parents feel the school is serious about education, or being sure their attendees pass standardized tests. Research says that the right kind of homework assignments enhances children's learning as well as helping them acquire the essential skills for success in school and life (such as organization, self-pacing, problem solving, internal motivation, concentration, memory, goal setting, good old "stick-to-it-ness") and don't forget, they might learn something!

So here are a few tips to help parents weigh the battle versus the learning. The key is a bit of organization from the start.

Make homework mandatory, not a choice. From the beginning maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Your kid needs to know that homework is not an option. Enforce the "work before play" rule.

Your role is guider, not doer. While you need to make sure they understand the concepts and are capable of the assignments, once they do, step back! Use the mantra: "Never do for your child, what your child can do for himself." It may take a bit of adjustment, but hang tight until you reach the desired change: independent, self-motivated learners.

Know the teacher's expectations. Be clear as to expectations and homework policy so you are all on the same page. If your child is in middle school she probably has a number of teachers, so you will have to do the same query per teacher. Many teachers prefer an email query- find out how the teacher prefers to be contacted. Most important: Find out on an average, how long should the homework take per night? That answer will help your determine if your child has too much work, is a procrastinator, has a learning disability or lacks study skills. Talk with your child so he knows you are not only aware of those expectations but support them

]]> Develop a weekly homework reminder. Teach your child to create a simple reminder of daily or weekly assignments as well as a long-term projects and reports. A white board or chalkboard is preferable because it is reusable. With a permanent marker list the days of the week or month and then note regular daily or weekly assignments (Monday: sharing; Wednesday: library; Friday: spelling test) as well as practice dates, scout meetings, tutoring, etc. Use a different color to represent each kid (John is blue; Sally is green). The goal is for your child to be able to do this on her own.

Create a special homework spot. Involve your child in the selection and stock it with necessary school supplies. It helps your kid get organized and saves time wasters: "I can't find a ruler!" The general rule is the younger the child, the closer that spot will be near you. Put the computer in a place where you can carefully view what your child is doing online. Background noise from TV is distracting. Turn it off.

Set a routine. Select a time that works best for your kid to do his--after school, before dinner, after dinner--then stick to it. Ask your child for his input and do try to accommodate his schedule. A set and predictable schedule helps defray the battles and gets your kid on a routine. Drawing a clock face of the set time helps younger kids. Set up a rule, "Homework first, then play."

Praise efforts! A Columbia University study found that praising your child's work effort (not inherent intelligence "You're so smart") stretches persistence, develops a positive mindset and increases grades. And restrain the urges to correct all his errors or focus on the mistakes.

Teach study skills. Usually the biggest reason for those homework battles is that kids don't have study skills. So slowly make sure your child has those skills.

Planning skills. Make a list of what needs to be done in order of priority. He then cross each off as done. A young child can draw a different task on paper strips then put them in the order he plans to complete them, and then staple the packet together. Each time a task is finished, your child tears off a strip until no more remain.

Divide the assignment into smaller parts. Breaking up homework into smaller chunks is often helpful for kids who have difficulty sticking to a task or seem overwhelmed with an assignment. Just tell your child to do "one chunk at a time." Gradually you can increase the size of the "work chunks" as your child's confidence increases.

Respect learning style. Tune into how your child learns and encourage it! Visual: Draw pictures, color code, Auditory: Hears it, plugs in music to tune out sound, hums as he reads, says words out loud. Kinesthetic: Moves - so don't stop him. If your child has trouble focusing, then suggest he work in 20 minutes bouts then take a quick refresher break.

Do the hardest first. Teach your child to do the hardest homework assignment first. It takes the most concentration (which is usually at the beginning of a study session) and the longest time.

Put away. Once done, establish a routine that she immediately puts the work in her folder or binder placed in her backpack and set by the door to find the next morning.

Set a consequence for incomplete work. If you find out the homework isn't getting done and done with the quality you expect, then announce a consequence. For instance, if work isn't finished by a predetermined time (ideally, the same time each night), your kid knows he will lose a desired privilege either that evening or the following day.

Stay in touch with the teacher, especially if you see your child is struggling. Consider a tutor! When you see your child struggling, homework becomes an ongoing battle and your relationship with your kid is taking a dive), your child continues to fall behind despite homework efforts, then consider a tutor. Consider a high school kid or even retired teacher. Then make a plan with the teacher so your child is being tutored in exact needed areas.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

Don't Miss Signs of Teen Depression

2009-08-26T19:13:29Z

All teens can be irritable, want to be secretive, and appear and even act alien- like. But when should a parent worry--really worry about their child? Did you know that one in 12 teens suffered at least one episode of major depression in the last year? Of those, a full 60 percent are not getting treatment.

That question has caused many a sleepless night for moms and dads. The more you understand typical adolescent behavior and the signs of depression, the better you'll be at tailoring your parenting to this "new tenant" of yours and getting your teen the help he or she may need.

I'm concerned that many parents are missing those crucial warning signs and too many of our teens are suffering needlessly from depression. Depression is a serious disease that affects approximately 2 million adolescents in the United States. Depression is treatable. I'm so concerned that I've partnered with Forest Laboratories to help educate parents about teen depression.

A recent survey of parents of adolescents (aged 13-17) found that parents are missing the symptoms of depression. Of parents who said they were at least somewhat knowledgeable about the symptoms of depression, 89 percent claimed they would be able to tell if their son or daughter was exhibiting symptoms. However, when asked to identify the symptoms, only 44 percent of parents were able to correctly identify the majority of them (5 out of 9).

]]> 1. Know your teen's normal. Some teens are a bit moodier, restless, or private. Your job is to discover your adolescent's typical everyday behavior. Tune in a bit closer because once you really know his personality and temperament, look for a marked change in what's typical for your adolescent.

2. Get to know the signs of teen depression. Unfortunately there really is no clear-cut "warning list" as to when we should seek professional help for our sons and daughters. But there are a few signs that can be valuable clues that all is not well. The problem is most parents appear to be missing those crucial signs so here are a few things to be on the alert for. The truth is every teen is going to feel sad or be angry, but if you see a sudden change in your son or daughter's usual behavior that lasts every day for at least two weeks then something is going on and you should look further into the cause or get help. In particular look for a depressed or irritable mood and excessive feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt.

Depressed mood. Is this energetic teen of yours suddenly lethargic? Does he sleep too much or not enough? Are you seeing a teen who is just sitting around and doesn't have the mojo?
Pulls back from interests. Those things your teen used to love to do - basketball, yoga, reading, texting - he or she does no more. Your teen pulls back from his or her interests and withdraws from what you know he or she loves.
Irritability or marked behavior change. There's a marked, sudden, or intense change in your teen's behavior such as agitation, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt or trouble in school. Is your adolescent suddenly spending more and more alone time, appear sad or have a much tougher time concentrating?
Physical changes. Are you noticing a significant weight loss or weight gain? A big change in eating habits? Other people who know your child well have shared their concerns. Don't be so quick to dismiss the comment. They might be seeing your teen in a different situation or group. Instead, ask for specifics. What exactly is the concern? How often do they see the behavior? How long has the behavior been going on? Enlist the help of those individuals who care about your teen and whose opinions you trust.

3. Get help! Yes, adolescent depression is serious but your teen does not have to suffer. Depression is a debilitating, yet a treatable illness. In fact, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recently approved another treatment option for depression in adolescents. Talk therapy also offers promising results. And a government task force recently called for routine depression screening for all teens, not just those at high-risk for depression, so expect your doctor to ask questions.

There are serious consequences for not getting a diagnosis or treatment for a teen. If you ever have a feeling that something is wrong and that your teen may be suffering from depression, then please don't wait. Pick up the phone and call your doctor. When it's about your child's well-being, nothing--absolutely nothing-- is more important than peace of mind.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

10 Tips to Keep Your Kids Safe Online

2009-08-11T16:05:05Z

Cyber-bullying is whenever kids deliberately harass someone (peers or adults) and involves any electronic technologies such as email, cell phones, page text messages, instant messaging (IM), blogs or websites. The intention is always to harm others. I'm writing today as part of a series so that parents can help their kids deal with this troubling new trend. The first step is to stop and take time to know what's happening in your child's world. The second step is to teach online safety tips to kids.

Two great sites that offer advice to parents and kids are:

http://www.WiredKids.org
http://StopCyberbullying.org

Here are few of many tips from my book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions to help you keep your kids safe online.

Hold a media talk. If your child isn't talking about cyber-bullying, don't assume he hasn't been affected. Let him know you're aware of the darker side of Cyberspace. Start the discussion: "What have you heard about..." "What are the other kids saying?" Let your child know from the start using your family computer is a privilege and comes with responsibility. That privilege will be removed immediately if your child abuses your family's rules.

Don't be too tough. This one sounds contradictory but here's the low down: A study at Clemson University found that kids often did not tell their parents about cyberbullying for fear of losing online privileges. One study found that almost 60 percent of kids did not tell their parents when someone was abusive to them online. So don't overreact or ban him from using the Internet altogether.

Monitor your computer. Do you know what your child is doing online? Does she have a Xanga, use instant messaging, have a blog, visit chat rooms, frequent game rooms? Does your kid really need that fancy cell phone with all the attachments allowing straight Internet access?

]]> Provide clear electronic guidelines. "Never, ever put anything in an email, IM, blog, text-message or website that you would not everyone to see or would be hurtful. Never send anything you wouldn't want said about you." Or teach the headline test: "Would you want what you wrote printed up for all the world to read in front page headlines?" Police officers tell me that one reason cyberbullying is so rampant is that kids feel their actions can't be tracked back to sender. Not so! Stress that new software allows law enforcement to discover the sender and are taking cyberbullying very seriously.

Do NOT respond. Stress to your child that bullies seek reaction so don't give the kid what he wants. Do not respond or click. It only will intensify things. If you do, the bully wins and usually will continue. Do not forward any vicious email to another party. The email, text, or message stays in your inbox. Turn off the monitor; walk away from the computer, and tell an adult. (Don't turn off the computer. You will lose the evidence).

Block communication. If your child is victimized change your phone number, your child's password, and email account and talk to your service provider. Keep your child's account numbers and passwords handy at all times. Have the phone number to your cell phone company and the URL of your computer server handy so you can change your child's password and account in the event he is harassed.

Don't delete. You may need evidence to prove that your child is being cyberbullied. So tell your kid to not push that delete button too quickly. Instead save any evidence by printing out the message so you can use it later.

Google your child. Periodically check to see what is being said about your child online. Seriously! Just put your child's name in quotes into the search bar on your computer. How often does your child's name come up? What kinds of comments are being said about your kid?

Tell authorities. In some cases you may need to decide whether the situation warrants telling authorities or school officials. You may need to advocate for your child.

Change your password. Passwords should periodically be changed and never given out. By the way, when's the last time you changed your family's password or your child's password? Why not do so right now?

Cyberbullying is painful stuff and your child needs your empathy. So watch your child a bit closer. Tune into her emotional signs. Don't let your child be victimized. And don't let your child victimize others. In some cases, cyberbullying has caused depression and suicides amongst victims. Do what you need to do to protect your child.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

Help Your Child Make New Friends and Fit into a New Social Scene

2009-08-05T14:27:39Z

Any new social scene can be really tough. Having all new classmates, joining a brand-new group of kids on a soccer team, transferring to a new school, going away to camp alone and most of all moving isn't easy. And oh how kids can pour on the guilt to remind us they're not happy campers: "You're ruining my life!" "Why do I have to go to this new school?" "Why can't we move back to our old neighborhood? Do you have any idea how unhappy you made me?"

Knowing that our kids are lonely, feel left out, and desperately miss their old group is tough. As much as we'd love to, we can't instantly wipe away our their pain because their best friends are left behind and they can't fit in with the new crowd. But we can ease their discomfort by making the transition a bit smoother. We can help them find ways to make new friends. And we even can teach them new friendship making skills that actually may be ones they can use in other social arenas. So think positively, and stay focused on what you can do to boost your child's friendship quotient and get him through this tough time. Here are a few parenting solutions to help your child get started fitting into any new social scene.

Acknowledge feelings. If your child doesn't share her feelings, you can help her recognize how she feels: "You must be feeling lonely and miss your old group." "I can you're worried." It's tough to join a new team when you don't any of the kids. Let her know such feelings are normal.

Be reassuring. "It may take time to meet new kids and make new friends. Many of these kids have been friends with one another for quite a while, and may not be too receptive to a new person joining in." "Remember way back when you didn't know anybody--even Kevin, and then you became great friends. It will take time, but you'll make new friends just like you did at our other home."

Become acquainted with other parents. Be a room parent, offer to carpool, sign up to coach, be the team mom, meet other camper parents, and attend PTA meetings and other school functions. Getting to know parents of your child's potential friends is often a great way to invite the families over, giving your child the opportunity to have a new playmate. Also, introduce yourself to the neighbors: sometimes our kid's best friends can be literally next door. Find out who amongst your work colleagues has children: it's a way to learn not only about available kid activities, but also to arrange play dates for younger children (or find a babysitter!).
]]> Tour the new surroundings. Take your child to visit his new school and neighborhood ideally before the move. Schedule times to meet the principals and his teachers. Ask if there's anyway your child can have the phone number or e-mail addresses of another other kids. If possible watch a team practice, talk to the coach or to former members to find out what it's like to be on this team.

Find outlets for your kid that attract peers. Look for opportunities for your child to meet kids anywhere or elsewhere--for example, scouting, park and recreation programs, Boys and Girls Clubs, YMCAs, 4-H, Teen Clubs, church groups, sports teams, library programs, after-school programs, or other youth groups. Pediatricians' offices and libraries often are a good place for picking up schedules of upcoming kid events. Your goal is to help your kids find ways to meet new kids. Making the friends is her job--helping her find potential friendship possibilities is your role.

Seek activities that match your child's interests. If your child enjoys tennis, make sure she's on the courts. If he likes music, sign him up for classes. If he loves to swim, enroll him in the YMCA. If there's a particular sport or hobby that seems to be hot in town with the kids your child's age: soccer, skateboarding, roller blading, dirt biking, jazz, band, chess. The trick is to match the activity with your child's strengths and interests. Then provide lessons and help him practice so his confidence grows and hopefully he can use the new skill to meet new kids. Meeting kids with the same interests raises the chances of going from acquaintance to friend. That's because kids who share the same interests are more likely to want to be together.

Help your kid blend in. Clothes, hair-cuts, shoes styles, and accessories really do matter in helping kids gain peer approval and communities do have their own culture. So visit your kid's school (if possible even before the move) and study the appearance of the more popular kids. Does your kid dress like them? If not, help him find the styles so he blends in. Any tip is to find a store nearby the new school where kids shop. Ask a manager or clerk what the "in-colors or styles" of backpacks, shoes, clothes or accessories are for other kids your child's age.

Provide a telephone book. Provide your child with a small book (or at least a note card) to keep in his pocket or backpack. If he does meet someone new, suggest that he write the kid's name, phone number, and even e-mail address on the card.

Teach new social skills. Learning any new skill takes practice. So role-play with your child how to greet someone or ask to play a game as often as it takes for him to be comfortable using it on his own. Begin by you introducing yourself to your child so he can see what it looks like. Try to find opportunities for your child to see you using the skill in the real world: deliberately introduce yourself to as many new people as you can (in the grocery line, at school, at the park). Kids really learn new skills best by first watching, then trying. So give him plenty of opportunities to see this skill in action.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

9 Tips for Saying Goodbye to Your College-Bound Kid

2009-08-04T19:18:05Z

After all the test taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring, and acceptance waiting, the big event is almost here: Dropping teens off at college. You'd think that would be the easy part, but move-in day on college campuses is actually a high anxiety, emotionally draining affair (so says the voice of experience! Believe me, you're never prepared enough.) There are boxes to unload, roommates to meet, dorms to find. And there's also that final moment when you know you have to say goodbye to your child who may be leaving home for the first time.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Here are a few strategies to give your college bound freshman a positive send off the right way...

1. Be Prepared. Letting go is going to be different than you expected and far more emotionally charged. After all, we've been so involved in our kids' lives and have been determined to give them the best. And frankly this is a huge economic investment. So recognize your feelings and sort out your emotions before the big departure. This is the time to use restraint. It's probably best not to say, "What am I going to do without you?"

2. Have the Significant Talk Before the Drop Off. Don't count on having a momentous goodbye once you get to campus. The day is guaranteed to be hectic and stressful and not the best time to air your list of parental concerns. Instead have the meaningful talk or one last big lecture to discuss those things that could become areas of contention a few days before you leave home. You might want to make a list of things you want to discuss: Financial matters (like spending money and that credit card); your expectations; how you'll stay in touch; when you'll see each other next; and those safety issues like binge drinking and date rape (most parents say safety is their biggest concern). A prior talk (if you think it is needed) will let you and your kid focus on move-in day and have a more positive departure.

3. Simplify the Move. Most kids are embarrassed pulling up in a big moving van. So think of boxes that are easy to pack (and throw away). Or a wardrobe already on hangers that can quickly be put into the closet. Bring a few things in one box you know your kid will not have packed: a First-aid care package (plastic container with bandages, gauze, adhesive tape, antibiotic ointment, an ice pack, thermometer, medicines for upset stomach, headache, cold or flu, sore throat lozenges or spray), a just-in-case phone card, a surprise batch of homemade cookies or nibbles for the dorm.
]]> 4. Take Your Child's Lead. Don't come with set expectations. Your role is to support your child. You never know how he'll respond. The same kid who was so excited may be suddenly scared to death to move. If he appears overwhelmed give him one thing to do right at that moment to get him started ("Go find your dorm room; take that box put it at door.") Don't be shocked if he wants you to leave ASAP (why it's great you already had that talk).

5. Locate Essential Places. If you haven't already done so in orientation help your child find for his sanity and safety: The pharmacy for prescription refills. (If your child is on medication, drop off the first prescription); the bank (there probably is an ATM on campus, but sometimes it may not be the same bank as your child's so set up a new bank account with a checkbook); the dorm RA (Resident Assistant) who is your kid's safety net. If you have any special medical concerns about your child, that's the person to privately discuss those needs; and the infirmary. Point it out and tell him to go there in case he's sick.

6. Don't Get Too Involved in the "Roommate" Scene. Introduce yourself, and then lay low. Your kid doesn't want you explaining your family history. If you don't like the roommate, keep a poker face. Let your kid be the one to voice his concerns - not you. This is not like a play date where you arrange everything, but a relationship your child needs to work through on his own.

7. Don't Be Too Quick to Fix Things. Use the day to start switching your role from micro-manager to mentor. It's time to gently cut the umbilical cord. Let your child know with your actions that you won't continue to be the fix things and intervene when a problem arises.

8. Think About Your Parting Message. Stay as composed as possible. (Do bring Kleenex and aspirin just in case). Your child needs to know you'll be okay without him. The final words between you and your child are key. Say whatever wisdom you have to offer, whether it is 'I love you,' 'I'm behind you,' 'I'm proud of you.' Your child really will remember those words. If you can't express yourself, write your thoughts down and mail the letter to your child immediately after you arrive home. Just don't drag out the goodbye. Your child doesn't you hugging and crying and having the long goodbye in front of their new roommate and the rest of the world.

9. Take a Second to Glance One Final Time. Recognize who he has become - he's in a whole new world now, and you've helped him become the person he is today. This is what parenting is all about. Drive off. Cry a bit. But also remember to celebrate the moment. You deserve it!

One of my favorite sayings is a Navaho proverb: "We raise our children to leave us." This is the supreme moment of parenting. Do keep in mind you're not losing a child. You're gaining an adult!

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

Empower Girls To Be Strong from the Inside Out

2009-08-03T14:58:35Z

I don't know about you, but I'm suffering from a bad case of only what I can call "Shudder Syndrome", and it seems to be worsening. It's a relatively new ailment, but it always materializes when I read those disturbing statistics about young girls. I'm sure you know the ones about anorexia, depression, cutting, date rape, binge drinking, aggression, and bulimia. The list goes on and on. The minute I hear one, my ailment flares up: it always starts with a bad feeling deep down, and then my whole body just shudders. There has to be other parents like me who are shaking with worry. And I'm the mom of three boys! I can only imagine your symptoms if you're raising daughters. This is scary stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that our girls are doomed. And certainly boys have their own share of problems as well. I'm just saying we need to keep a closer eye on those trends and realize leading experts are concerned about the young female gender (and with quite valid reasons). We are seeing a rise in depression, eating disorders and low self-esteem. Most experts agree that it's due to continual negative messages that happiness comes from the outside (being a particular dress size, wearing designer labels, or getting liposuction or breast implants (I kid you not. The increase of plastic surgery among young women is frightening!) Robbed is that great notion that real happiness comes from the inside.

So how do we counter those constant negative media continually bombard our girls? How do we help young girls realize that there are other ways to be happy than by being rich, famous, or pencil-thin? What are ways for parents to help their daughters learn to feel comfortable in their own skin without having to copy "the look" of this week's Hollywood idol? And just how do we turn these troubling trends around and help our girls grow to be strong, confident and happy?

]]>
1. Be a confident mom. Girls don't learn to love themselves by hearing our self-esteem dinner lecture, but by having confident role models to copy. Sounds so obvious, but how easily that child development tenet is overlooked. And there's proof: A famous University of California at Davis study found that a mother's working status, occupation, income, education, religious affiliation, and even IQ were no where as significant on her child's self-esteem as the mother's own confidence level.

Your self-perceptions--whether high or low--do trickle down to your child. So take care of yourself so your daughter can learn to love herself just as she is. Ask yourself one question each night: "If my daughter had only my behavior to watch today what would she have caught?" Was it independence or dependence? Confidence or insecurity? Be mindful of your influence. Model what you want your daughter to become. You do matter.

2. Stay connected to your daughter. I know those preteen and teen years can be tough on a parent's ego, but a big mistake is stepping back from our daughter's lives. Don't! One of the most comforting finding (that didn't make me shutter) was a survey conducted by the Girl Scouts of America survey. (Gotta love the Girl Scouts). Read this carefully: Ninety one percent of over 2000 girls surveyed aged eight to nine go to their mothers for advice.

Find ways to stay connected and get into her life. Granted, it may take a bit of creativity, but think! If your daughter is leaning more towards her peers, why not get a few of her friend's mothers on board? Start a mother-daughter book club or go to yoga or exercise as a group. Watch Friends or Mean Girl with her. Read and discuss Harry Potter because she loves it. Or do what one mom told me she did: read Teen People so you can get into her zone.

3. Foster her strengths and passions. Find that spark in your daughter and help nurture her passions, capabilities, and interests. Yoga, horseback riding, drawing, basketball, writing, cooking: what turns your daughter on? Always tailor your parenting towards her natural nature so she has permission to be herself. Let her know you love her for who she really is--not for what you hope she will become. Doing so is one of the best ways to nurture strong identity and self-worth.

4. Find positive, female role models. Let's offer our daughters female role models who feel comfortable in their own skin (and don't need to rely on Botox, breast implants, dieting, and designer labels to feel attractive). What about J.K. Rowling, Erin Brockovich, Michelle Wei, Anne Hathaway, Great Aunt Harriet or even the neighbor lady next door? Expose your daughter to authentic, confident women, and then tell her why you admire them. Our girls need strong, resourceful female examples to emulate. Enough of Paris, Lindsay and Britney!

Our best hope is to help daughters learn as early as possible that real happiness isn't borrowed or copied, but lies within. That's exactly why we need to help our girls become strong from the inside out. Doing so is what will help our daughters feel comfortable in their own skin. It's also the best cure for not only my shutter syndrome (and I'm sure yours), but for those troubling trends plaguing today's American young girls.

You can start by boosting your influence with your daughter and stay more connected in her life. It's the best way to counter those negative media messages and help her become her own person and enjoy who she is.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a leading educational consultant, national parenting expert, contributor to iVillage, adviser to Parents magazine, regular guest on NBC's Today Show, and mom of three.

Have You Talked To Your Kids About Steroids?

2009-07-30T21:16:51Z

Ramirez and Ortiz Join the Steroid-User Club

REALITY CHECK: Think steroids are for teens? Well, think again. A recent survey found that kids as young as ten (fifth graders!) are taking illegal steroids to do better in sports. And it isn't just boys who are partaking: use among middle-school girls is almost as prevalent as it is among boys (2.8 percent of boys and 2.6 percent of girls). One CNN report found that up to 7 percent of middle school girls-some as young as nine years of age-admit to using anabolic steroids as a way to lose weight. Health professionals and educators alike are alarmed, but so too should parents.

If you haven't heard, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz just joined the Baseball Hall of Shame for testing positive for using performance-enhancing drugs. They are among the 100 players that tested positive for steroids in 2003. And sports announcers caution that this issue will not go away-more announcements are yet to come.

Steroids can harm the liver, stunt growth and cause a host of other long-term ailments, but these young bodies particularly vulnerable. That's exactly why we should start talking to our kids about the dangers of steroids at a much younger age. And there is no time better than now. It's hard to read a news story these days that doesn't list yet another a pro baseball players, wrestlers, swimmers, runners, bikers found guilt of abusing performance enhancing drugs.

Do know these tainted-athletes do impact our children's beliefs and behavior. One teen survey found that 57 percent admitted that professional athletes influenced their decision to use the drugs and 63 percent of kids said pro athletes influenced their friends' decisions to use them. Recognize that your kid's sport hero may be influence his decisions.

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1. Open up the steroid dialogue. So don't wait for your kid to come to you. "Hey Mom, can we talk about steroids?" probably isn't going to be the reality. Open up that conversation with your child at least by fourth grade. Remember, kids as young as fifth grade are now indulging, so get a year start. Just tailor your talk to their level. Remember, one talk isn't going to do it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

2. Use real world events. Cut out an article about Ortiz or Ramirez and use it as your conversation opener: "Do you think he knows what the long-term damage could be on his body?" "What are you friends saying?" Use the issue as a bridge and cover the next few tips. Or go back to Barry Bonds: "Do you think he should make the Hall of Fame is they find out he took steroids?"

3. Do your homework. If you want to talk steroids you better be one step ahead of your kid. Read up on the dangers so you can talk facts and knowledge. If you aren't getting through enlist the help of your doctor or child's couch. Here's a great website.

4. Discuss the health dangers. There are clear health risks that your child needs to know. Here are just a few: severe acne, loss of hair, liver abnormalities (including peliosis hepatitis or blood-filled cysts), increase in the harmful kind of cholesterol, rage, angry outbursts or uncontrolled aggressive behavior, increase in blood clots, and high blood pressure. The results really aren't back yet on real long-term affects of steroid use-especially on young bodies.

5. Look for doping signs. Here are a few possible signs for boys and girls: increased acne, a deeper voice, increased facial or body hair; more aggressive behavior, a marked change in personality, a fast increase in weight and muscle mass, a preoccupation with weights and working out.

6. Monitor your computer. Did you know the majority of kids buy anabolic steroids and other so-called performance-enhancement supplements at home straight off the Internet? Set clear parameters on Internet use, and know which sites your child frequents. Many kids say that they buy drugs from local distributors at private gyms or even from youth coaches. Stay tuned to what 's going on in your kid's life.

7. Examine your kid's wallet. Steroids can be pricey-even a few hundred dollars. So check that savings account for any sudden big withdrawals. Also look to brothers and sisters (and unsuspecting grandparents) as the loan sources. And monitor your credit card activity.

8. Downplay appearance and popularity. Steroids can help enhance muscle definition (which is all the rage in those body-building magazines many of our kids devour), so downplay physical appearance in your home. Find ways to build your kid's self-image from the "inside-out" so he doesn't rely on muscle mass as his own source of personal pride.

9. Share your views. Many kids actually feel their parents are accepting of steroids. Why? Well, it seems one of the biggest reasons kids take steroids is to please their parents. If you've been stressing that college scholarship, winning at any cost, how proud you are that she's such an athlete ("Olympic are right around the corner, darling"), then bite you tongue. Your child needs to know (and pronto) why you think steroids are wrong (think this one through carefully so you do create a strong, powerful case), and what your family values are (push that this is also cheating, lying and deception).

Just as parents are the best antidotes for drugs, they are also the best hope to stopping this deadly and fast-rising trend: steroid use! Whatever your feelings about these players (a little full disclosure here- I'm a die-hard Giants fan), do use these upcoming media-moments to start the steroid talk!

So what are you waiting for?

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Q&A: Helping Kids Adjust When You Go Back To Work

2009-07-29T19:11:42Z

Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered.

I'm starting back to work a couple days a week and I'm in a panic. My toddler clings and cries so hard when I leave just to go to the grocery store that breaks my heart. Is there anyway to help my daughter feel more secure now? Thank you! --Susan M., from Reno Nevada

Leaving our children when we know they feel insecure is heartbreaking. But there are solutions you can do now to help ease the pain and help your toddler feel more secure in your absence. The key is to slowly start implementing these tips way several weeks before you have to finally go back to work. The first tip is to make sure your child has a security object of some type.

Here are a few tips to help you help your toddler feel more secure in your absence:

Step 1. PREPARE YOUR TODDLER FOR SHORT GOODBYES

Provide a "lovey." Give a security blanket, cuddly stuffed animal or some kind of "security substitute" for your baby to use in your absence. It is a way for your toddler to soothe herself when you're not there.

Create secure transitions. Start several weeks before you leave by practicing good-byes with your toddler. Start with just saying goodbye when it's just the two of you. Then just leave a bit to go to the next room and pop back in with a big hello. Your baby will begin to realize "Mommy does return."

]]> Step 2. GRADUALLY INTRODUCE THE CHILD TO THE CAREGIVER

Find a caregiver now. Help your child learn to trust the caregiver with the three of you together. Just little doses of getting to know the new giver ahead of time will help when the official goodbye finally comes. The sitter, you and toddler can do brief little activities together. Your goal is to allow the sitter to slowly have more and more alone time with your toddler.

Pass on what works to your caregiver. You know your child better than anyone. So pass on your child's special signals to that sitter. What works to soothe your child? What is your child's sleep, eating and play routine? What comforts your child? If your child speaks or uses sign, translate any words that only you know to your sitter. If you are dropping your child off to the sitter's home, bring a few of your child's comfort objects to the sitters.

Record your voice. Sing your toddler's favorite song or reading Goodnight Moon or Pat the Bunny or other favorite song so the caregiver can play it when you leave. The next time you're singing with your baby just push the record button on that tape recorder. Then leave it with baby-sitter or grandma to use. This idea works especially well if you have to leave on a longer trip.

Step 3. THE RIGHT WAY TO SAY GOOD-BYE

Don't dawdle or give in. Your toddler's tears and wails can wear you down. But studies find your toddler's anxiety will actually increase if you draw out your separation or make too big of a deal about your leaving. So be definite about leaving -and no changing your mind. Older toddlers are smart and will quickly figure out what antics will work, and will pull those next time around to make you stay.

Hold back the tears. Your distress will distress your child. A young child can read your sad concerned emotions and copy them. It's best to have a cool and confident approach (even if you have to fake it). That look will be easier on your child.

Don't sneak out. Doing so only increases your child's anxiety. Say goodbye and then do leave.

Cuddle, hug when you return. Greet your toddler when you return. "Mommy's back!" Then cuddle. Coo. Tickle. Hug. Play fingerplays. Sing. But if you stick to that same positive send off routine and then your "Mommy's back" return, your child will slowly come to recognize that you are coming back and feel more and more secure in your absence.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.