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10 Ways to Bully-Proof Your Child
If your child is bullied it means that peers are intentionally causing her pain. If this is happening to your child, please know that your son or daughter is not alone. By some estimates, one in seven American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is far more frequent and aggressive than ever before.
While you can't always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. I reviewed hundreds of articles on bullying to find tips to pass onto parents. I also wrote a proposal to end school bullying and violence that became SB1667 and passed into law.
Here are some of those solutions to help your child navigate a vicious social jungle and deal with bullies:
Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school. So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem.
Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.
Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.
While you can't always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. I reviewed hundreds of articles on bullying to find tips to pass onto parents. I also wrote a proposal to end school bullying and violence that became SB1667 and passed into law.
Here are some of those solutions to help your child navigate a vicious social jungle and deal with bullies:
Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school. So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem.
Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.
Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.
Find a supportive companion. Kids who have even one friend to
confide in can deal with bullying better than those on their own. Is
there one kid your child can pair up with? Is there a teacher, nurse,
or neighbor he can go to for support?
Take your child seriously. Reassure your child that you believe him, and stress that you will find a way to keep him safe. 49 percent of kids say they've been bullied at least once or twice during the school term but only 32 percent of their parents believed them.
Determine if it's bullying. Bullying is always intentional, mean-spirited, rarely happens only once and the victim cannot hold his own. It is not teasing. Establish this is bullying then gather the facts to help your kid create a plan to stop it.
Offer specific tips. Most kids can't handle bullying on their own: They need your help, so provide a plan. For instance, if bullying is happening on the bus tell your child to sit behind the bus driver on the left side where the driver can see passengers in the mirror, ask an older kid to "watch out" for your child, or offer to pick your child up from school.
Don't make promises. You may have to protect your child, so make no promises to keep things confidential. You may have to step in and advocate.
Teach assertiveness. Kids who use assertive posture are less likely to be picked on. Stress to your child that he should stand tall and hold his head up to appear more confident and less vulnerable.
Stress: Stay calm. Bullies love knowing they can push other kids' buttons, so tell your child to try to not let his tormentor know he upset you.
Teach a firm voice. Stress to your child that if he needs to respond, simple direct commands work best delivered in a strong determined voice: "No." "Cut it out." "No way." "Back off." Then walk away with shoulders held back.
Get help if needed. Tell your child to walk towards other kids or an adult.
Boost self-confidence. Research finds that arming your child with confidence is one of the best defenses against bullying. A few self-confidence boosters include learning martial arts, boxing, or weight-lifting, finding an avenue--such as a hobby, interest, sport or talent--that she enjoys and can excel, giving her opportunities to solve her problems and speak up for herself.
Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
Take your child seriously. Reassure your child that you believe him, and stress that you will find a way to keep him safe. 49 percent of kids say they've been bullied at least once or twice during the school term but only 32 percent of their parents believed them.
Determine if it's bullying. Bullying is always intentional, mean-spirited, rarely happens only once and the victim cannot hold his own. It is not teasing. Establish this is bullying then gather the facts to help your kid create a plan to stop it.
Offer specific tips. Most kids can't handle bullying on their own: They need your help, so provide a plan. For instance, if bullying is happening on the bus tell your child to sit behind the bus driver on the left side where the driver can see passengers in the mirror, ask an older kid to "watch out" for your child, or offer to pick your child up from school.
Don't make promises. You may have to protect your child, so make no promises to keep things confidential. You may have to step in and advocate.
Teach assertiveness. Kids who use assertive posture are less likely to be picked on. Stress to your child that he should stand tall and hold his head up to appear more confident and less vulnerable.
Stress: Stay calm. Bullies love knowing they can push other kids' buttons, so tell your child to try to not let his tormentor know he upset you.
Teach a firm voice. Stress to your child that if he needs to respond, simple direct commands work best delivered in a strong determined voice: "No." "Cut it out." "No way." "Back off." Then walk away with shoulders held back.
Get help if needed. Tell your child to walk towards other kids or an adult.
Boost self-confidence. Research finds that arming your child with confidence is one of the best defenses against bullying. A few self-confidence boosters include learning martial arts, boxing, or weight-lifting, finding an avenue--such as a hobby, interest, sport or talent--that she enjoys and can excel, giving her opportunities to solve her problems and speak up for herself.
Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
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What I found worked best when I was a kid and bullied was to punch the bully as hard as I could and then run away laughing maniacally. Bullies pick on weak kids, not psychos.
How was this remotely helpful? In an ideal world, going over these things with your kid is fine, but pep talks don't really work when (as in my experience):
-child is very sensitive, shy - basically bully-bait
-bullying is girl-style: furtive, sneaky, verbal, invisible to school staff
-yes, having a buddy helps, but when friends are also bullied (if you talk to HER, I won't be your friend, you can't be in my club, etc.), finding this buddy is hard.
-non-responsive, tenured teacher
-non-responsive, new principal doesn't know how to deal with above teacher
I wound up moving my child to private school. I do like Adubs advice! Unfortunately, these days defending child would get expelled! And even oral defensives can become tattle-telling ammunition for bully to use against defender.
Sadly, the idea of bullying is reinforced (most often than not) by responses of "stand up for yourself" because this means that the victim is "to blame" if he is weak and afraid. Your son may learn karate, but bullies often learn it too. I have seen constant fighting (more than once) when the child tries to fight back, and no, the bully will not back off if he feels he can and now have to beat your child up- often the bully is in advantage; Bullies are not necessarily stupid people, but their very act may hurt their potential for emotional intelligence.The ideal situation imply a cooperation from many people to instruct the bully that bullying behavior is a shame for him (not for the victim). If kids knew how equally vulnerable they are in today's world, with the smaller, smarter one's succeeding, then the bully will need to adopt ways that imply cooperation, not insult, harassment or violence- the school, parents, community must focus on telling kids that real life success is much more than the ability of hitting and insulting others, and one key for success is to know to behave with negotiation and knowing limits, The kids should enter a state of game in which such a game consist in being like adults- even if they still can play like children. Sit the bullies around... teach them about how smaller children who couldn't fight back killed another. Tell bullies about being capable of some math and physics, some engineering with other kids, also about law suits, about how previously weak youngsters became CEO and now decide who will get the best job (and who will not)and tell kids how cooperation in many cases gets you further. Some cultures reduce the violence rate by puttying shame onto such a behavior (much an insult as being called an idiot or a sissy)... Sadly we don't live in such a culture, but we could...