Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com
- Pregnancy & Parenting
- Parenting Secrets
Talking to Kids About the Sandra Cantu Murder
5 Key Discussion Points to Help Parents
Sandra Cantu's kidnapping and brutal murder is all the news these days. Our hearts go out to this family. This tragedy is particularly troubling to parents. After all, we tell our kids to be weary of strangers, but in this case it appears that this precious 8-year-old knew her alleged killer--and a Sunday school teacher at that.
The majority of parent blog posts advise families to keep their kids inside and watch them like a hawk. Kidnappings have always been a parent's worst nightmare. And while we certainly should be cautious, it's also crucial that we keep things in perspective. There is a sad lesson here about "stranger danger" and it is this: Only one in 500,000 children are abducted by a stranger. Most kidnappers are someone the child personally knows. In fact, research shows that 85 percent of kids found alive after being abducted did not consider their kidnapper to be a stranger. All the more reason to review those critical safety tips with your children. A parent's primary goal, of course, is to keep a child from harm's way. But we also need to boost our children's "Safety Smarts" so they will know what to do to possibly prevent a tragedy.
Here are 5 important points to address with your child as well as discussion starters to use in your talks.
1. Provide accurate information. News is a 24-hour cycle these days and Sandra's kidnapping and murder will be played and replayed. Unless your child is very young, chances are he will hear about this tragedy (peers do talk) and more often than not those facts won't be accurate. That's why you need to clarify those facts and make sure the information about this or any tough topic come from you. Always tailor the facts to your child's understanding and give only those details that he really needs to know.
Discussion starters: "What have you heard?" or "What are your friends saying?" or "Let's talk about what you just saw on the news."
2. Review safety precautions. Use the news as a teachable moment to review age-appropriate safety measures. Pose "what if" scenarios about potentially dangerous situations with your child, then talk through possible solutions.
Discussion starters: "Let's talk about things you can do to stay safe. What if... you notice a car following you? ...a stranger asks you for help? ...a stranger tells you Mom or Dad has been in an accident and wants you to go with him to the hospital?"
Sandra Cantu's kidnapping and brutal murder is all the news these days. Our hearts go out to this family. This tragedy is particularly troubling to parents. After all, we tell our kids to be weary of strangers, but in this case it appears that this precious 8-year-old knew her alleged killer--and a Sunday school teacher at that. The majority of parent blog posts advise families to keep their kids inside and watch them like a hawk. Kidnappings have always been a parent's worst nightmare. And while we certainly should be cautious, it's also crucial that we keep things in perspective. There is a sad lesson here about "stranger danger" and it is this: Only one in 500,000 children are abducted by a stranger. Most kidnappers are someone the child personally knows. In fact, research shows that 85 percent of kids found alive after being abducted did not consider their kidnapper to be a stranger. All the more reason to review those critical safety tips with your children. A parent's primary goal, of course, is to keep a child from harm's way. But we also need to boost our children's "Safety Smarts" so they will know what to do to possibly prevent a tragedy.
Here are 5 important points to address with your child as well as discussion starters to use in your talks.
1. Provide accurate information. News is a 24-hour cycle these days and Sandra's kidnapping and murder will be played and replayed. Unless your child is very young, chances are he will hear about this tragedy (peers do talk) and more often than not those facts won't be accurate. That's why you need to clarify those facts and make sure the information about this or any tough topic come from you. Always tailor the facts to your child's understanding and give only those details that he really needs to know.
Discussion starters: "What have you heard?" or "What are your friends saying?" or "Let's talk about what you just saw on the news."
2. Review safety precautions. Use the news as a teachable moment to review age-appropriate safety measures. Pose "what if" scenarios about potentially dangerous situations with your child, then talk through possible solutions.
Discussion starters: "Let's talk about things you can do to stay safe. What if... you notice a car following you? ...a stranger asks you for help? ...a stranger tells you Mom or Dad has been in an accident and wants you to go with him to the hospital?"
3. Empower your child by telling him what to do. Teach your
child to be assertive and fend for herself in dangerous situations.
Telling kids how to handle a difficult situation actually boosts their
confidence. Just make sure you role play scenes together. Your one
essential family rule is: "Never leave with anyone who can't tell you
our family's secret code."
Discussion starters: "I give you permission to scream, kick, bite, and make a scene anytime you're in a situation where you think you could be hurt." "I want you to stand up for yourself and yell for help: 'This isn't my parent. I'm being kidnapped.'" "This is the one time you don't have to be polite. You won't be in trouble if you are wrong."
4. Reassure safety and give a reality check. Some kids will be more affected by this tragedy than others; especially those who are more sensitive or have had previous trauma. So check in and take your kid's "worry temperature" to see how she is doing. Your child takes cues from you so don't let your fears seep into your child. Also, offer perspective to a pessimistic child (and to yourself as well) that this is a remote incident.
Discussion starters: "I know you're feeling a little worried but you'll be fine. The police caught the bad person who did this." "I'm not the only one watching over you: the police, neighbors with the symbols on their windows, and teachers are all going to make sure you stay safe." "Did you know there are 61 million kids 14 years or younger living in the United States? The news is going to keep showing stories about Sandra but remember 61 million other kids are safe."
5. Review "trusted" caregivers. Encourage your child come to you and tell you anything. Also name specific caregivers your child should go to in case you are not available (a specific teacher, a relative, a neighbor). Make sure your child knows how to dial 9-1-1 for help and that your phones are programmed with your number so your child can reach you. Remind your child she can always ask a stranger for help but a stranger does not ask kids for help.
Discussion starters: "You can tell me anything so don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed." "Remember our rule: we don't keep secrets if someone could be hurt. If any adult tells you to keep a secret, come and tell me right away." "Remember the difference between "OK" and "Not OK touches? If someone tries to touch you makes you feel at all afraid, uncomfortable or confused get away as quickly as possible and come and tell me."
Then keep the conversation going. Any tough topic should never be a one-time discussion but an ongoing conversation. The key point to make is always: "Remember, I love you no matter what." Your child needs to know you are always there to help him whatever the situation may be.
Now go hug your child.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
Discussion starters: "I give you permission to scream, kick, bite, and make a scene anytime you're in a situation where you think you could be hurt." "I want you to stand up for yourself and yell for help: 'This isn't my parent. I'm being kidnapped.'" "This is the one time you don't have to be polite. You won't be in trouble if you are wrong."
4. Reassure safety and give a reality check. Some kids will be more affected by this tragedy than others; especially those who are more sensitive or have had previous trauma. So check in and take your kid's "worry temperature" to see how she is doing. Your child takes cues from you so don't let your fears seep into your child. Also, offer perspective to a pessimistic child (and to yourself as well) that this is a remote incident.
Discussion starters: "I know you're feeling a little worried but you'll be fine. The police caught the bad person who did this." "I'm not the only one watching over you: the police, neighbors with the symbols on their windows, and teachers are all going to make sure you stay safe." "Did you know there are 61 million kids 14 years or younger living in the United States? The news is going to keep showing stories about Sandra but remember 61 million other kids are safe."
5. Review "trusted" caregivers. Encourage your child come to you and tell you anything. Also name specific caregivers your child should go to in case you are not available (a specific teacher, a relative, a neighbor). Make sure your child knows how to dial 9-1-1 for help and that your phones are programmed with your number so your child can reach you. Remind your child she can always ask a stranger for help but a stranger does not ask kids for help.
Discussion starters: "You can tell me anything so don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed." "Remember our rule: we don't keep secrets if someone could be hurt. If any adult tells you to keep a secret, come and tell me right away." "Remember the difference between "OK" and "Not OK touches? If someone tries to touch you makes you feel at all afraid, uncomfortable or confused get away as quickly as possible and come and tell me."
Then keep the conversation going. Any tough topic should never be a one-time discussion but an ongoing conversation. The key point to make is always: "Remember, I love you no matter what." Your child needs to know you are always there to help him whatever the situation may be.
Now go hug your child.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Talking to Kids About the Sandra Cantu Murder.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://micheleborba.ivillage.com/system/mt-tb.cgi/38454
Leave a comment