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Q&A: Sharing a Bed with Your Child
Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
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I created a situation. I have no idea how I am going to solve. My daughter is almost 2 years and still sleeps with me most nights. She will usually fall asleep in her crib for a couple of hours and then she is calling for me.I don't like to let her yell because she will wake up her sister. She has never been a good sleeper. Durning her first year I tried everything to get her to sleep. Finally I gave up and started bringing her to bed once I started back at work. I need a good nights sleep. She is a twister and a turner. She plays with my hair in the middle of the night if she can't sleep. Help!! -Lana
Oh, the trials and tribulations of co-sharing a bed with a 2-year-old. It always seems like such a great idea in the beginning (after all, our kids do sleep better and so do we when we're all nestled in together). The problem hits when the kiddies start becoming movers and shakers and tossers and turners (or in your case hair twirlers and pullers). Then it's the parent who loses sleep. How to get them OUT of our bed and back into their own is one of the questions I'm asked most these days.
So know there isn't an easy answer. And the "bed switch" will take fortitude on your part. You MUST stick to the plan you choose and not back down. The trick to any behavior plan is to make the child know you are serious and mean business. They will test you so don't give in.
There are two basic techniques. You choose which works best for you and your situation.
The gradual wean. Get a sleeping bag and put it on the floor next to your bed. Each night you gradually pull the bag closer to the door and out of your room until the child is finally in her bed. This one takes a while.
Cold turkey. You would need a set of ear plugs for this one. You matter-of-factly state, "You're sleeping in your own be." and then you put the child back in her own bed. Yes, you will hear her cry but what actually happens is a slow gradual decline of her crying once she knows you're serious. Do not go back into that room if she cries. Once she knows you will she wins and you lose. This is best to start on a Friday night, and not on a work night.
Some parents actually invite a sister or mother to "sit" in the house for two nights while they go and stay at a motel or the sitter's house to speed up the process.
I created a situation. I have no idea how I am going to solve. My daughter is almost 2 years and still sleeps with me most nights. She will usually fall asleep in her crib for a couple of hours and then she is calling for me.I don't like to let her yell because she will wake up her sister. She has never been a good sleeper. Durning her first year I tried everything to get her to sleep. Finally I gave up and started bringing her to bed once I started back at work. I need a good nights sleep. She is a twister and a turner. She plays with my hair in the middle of the night if she can't sleep. Help!! -LanaOh, the trials and tribulations of co-sharing a bed with a 2-year-old. It always seems like such a great idea in the beginning (after all, our kids do sleep better and so do we when we're all nestled in together). The problem hits when the kiddies start becoming movers and shakers and tossers and turners (or in your case hair twirlers and pullers). Then it's the parent who loses sleep. How to get them OUT of our bed and back into their own is one of the questions I'm asked most these days. So know there isn't an easy answer. And the "bed switch" will take fortitude on your part. You MUST stick to the plan you choose and not back down. The trick to any behavior plan is to make the child know you are serious and mean business. They will test you so don't give in.
There are two basic techniques. You choose which works best for you and your situation.
The gradual wean. Get a sleeping bag and put it on the floor next to your bed. Each night you gradually pull the bag closer to the door and out of your room until the child is finally in her bed. This one takes a while.
Cold turkey. You would need a set of ear plugs for this one. You matter-of-factly state, "You're sleeping in your own be." and then you put the child back in her own bed. Yes, you will hear her cry but what actually happens is a slow gradual decline of her crying once she knows you're serious. Do not go back into that room if she cries. Once she knows you will she wins and you lose. This is best to start on a Friday night, and not on a work night.
Some parents actually invite a sister or mother to "sit" in the house for two nights while they go and stay at a motel or the sitter's house to speed up the process.
Meanwhile for either one or two you make sure you are establishing
clear and lovely nighttime routines (like I'm sure you are, right?).
The soothing bath. The bedtime story. The massage. Research says those
rituals prepare the child for bedtime. Stick to the routine. Also, make
sure the bedroom and bed are seen as comforting and special to the
child. Play up the "big girl room." Let her "decorate" by moving things
around or add an inexpensive comforter. Reduce anything in the room
(shadows, noises, light, temperature) that may rob sleep.
Fears start up around two and many parents actually move the bedroom to a small alcove or area closer to their room if the child's room is too far from their own (and increasing the scare factor).
I'd love to hear from readers as to your best techniques for ending bed sharing. When parents aren't getting a good night sleep and that lack of sleep impacts their parenting and work day then things have to change. Stress and fatigue aren't healthy for anyone: Especially parents.
Readers- send your best tips for how you got your child to sleep in his own bed. This has always been a hot button parenting issue.
***Footnote for those of you who are going to zap me about attachment theory: I know all about attachment theory, thank you. I've keynoting national attachment conferences, devoured the research, which is often misinterpreted, and written eight books on self-esteem. My concern is the impact lack of sleep and stress in troubled times has on families. And that research is clear.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Fears start up around two and many parents actually move the bedroom to a small alcove or area closer to their room if the child's room is too far from their own (and increasing the scare factor).
I'd love to hear from readers as to your best techniques for ending bed sharing. When parents aren't getting a good night sleep and that lack of sleep impacts their parenting and work day then things have to change. Stress and fatigue aren't healthy for anyone: Especially parents.
Readers- send your best tips for how you got your child to sleep in his own bed. This has always been a hot button parenting issue.
***Footnote for those of you who are going to zap me about attachment theory: I know all about attachment theory, thank you. I've keynoting national attachment conferences, devoured the research, which is often misinterpreted, and written eight books on self-esteem. My concern is the impact lack of sleep and stress in troubled times has on families. And that research is clear.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
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I think this article is wonderful, I am in a battle myself with my daughter and getting her to stay in her bed and she's 4. Little miss independent decided around 2 years of age she was scared of the dark I brought her in my room one night because she was up sleep walking in the house and screamed her head off when she finally woke up. Since then it has been an uphill battle seeing as I was a single mother and it was me and her in our little home, anything to get peace and quiet so I could go to work refreshed the next day (14 hour days suck!!)
I'm now married she's 4 and just a few weeks ago me and her father cracked down and she sleeps in her bed at night we took some advice off another forum on ivillage created a bag of magical invisible fairy dust that makes scary stuff go away since we didn't have an empty bottle and she had a wand from halloween I told her that it was magic too when she dipped it in the bag. She still cries before bed, but we usually settle her in bed with a cute dvd such as backyardigans or ariel her bag of dust and wand and turn the hallway light on she might whine she might cry but we refuse to go back in she tries to wander out to the living room but we just turn her around and send her back to bed.
Now to break her coming into bed when daddy goes to work at 5am for PT (he's in the army) she has a bad habit as soon as he leaves coming in my bed and snuggling up for an hour until he comes back for a short break until he goes to work.
Were dealing with this right now. Its tough. I love co-sleeping with my girls but Im not getting mush sleep with the tossing and turning. And its also not good for the hubby and I becuase we end up sleeping in seperate beds. od4
When our girl was around 15 months she wouldn't lie in her crib and would scream. I placed an airmattress in her room and said that I would lie down in her room as long as she lay in her crib quietly. If she started to cry, I'd leave the room. She quickly caught on. At first I would lie there (lights off) for up to 1/2 hour b/4 she'd fall asleep, and then slip out. But sometimes if I was too tired I'd end up sleeping there all night. But at least she got the idea her bed was hers, and in her room she'd sleep. It took less than 4 weeks but she'd eventually fall asleep the minute she got placed down. It takes a lot of patience, but she's now 10y.o. and has been an independent sleeper ever since. GL to all!