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Q&A: Calming a Child's Anger
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We have an almost 10 year old girl who is our only child. I'm 54 and my wife is 52. She's a wonderful child but is having a hard time stopping herself from "hitting, kicking, and/or biting" her mother, and sometimes me. We let her get away with it when she was small by not punishing her enough. Now that behavior is still with her, though it has improved considerably. Our daughter is a rather impulsive child, too. We're at our wits end and I don't want to hit her back to make her stop the hitting. But fear is a good teaching tool at times even though I seldom use it. I want to protect her self-esteem and tell her she's a good girl even though she sometimes does bad things. She knows we love her and she herself wants to stop the behavior but is having a hard time. -Anonymous
Let's go straight to curbing your daughter's anger outbursts. Allowing a ten year old to continue biting and hitting is disastrous to your family's harmony and her self-esteem. This appears to be a habit since you're saying this started at a young age.
Just make sure there isn't anything else fueling the anger (stress, overscheduling, illness, ADHD). Once those are ruled out there are the seven steps to change inappropriate anger displays. This takes consistent commitment on your part and it is doable. but just know the change will happen gradually. She has been using this behavior so long it's now going to take a lot of "erasing" and re-framing. So here ya go...
Hang in there. New behaviors generally take a minimum of 21 days of repetition to kick in. You must be consistent so track your own responses on a calendar. Above all stay calm with her and don't give up! I would only take on the anger challenge now. Forget other issues. This is where to put your energy.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
We have an almost 10 year old girl who is our only child. I'm 54 and my wife is 52. She's a wonderful child but is having a hard time stopping herself from "hitting, kicking, and/or biting" her mother, and sometimes me. We let her get away with it when she was small by not punishing her enough. Now that behavior is still with her, though it has improved considerably. Our daughter is a rather impulsive child, too. We're at our wits end and I don't want to hit her back to make her stop the hitting. But fear is a good teaching tool at times even though I seldom use it. I want to protect her self-esteem and tell her she's a good girl even though she sometimes does bad things. She knows we love her and she herself wants to stop the behavior but is having a hard time. -AnonymousLet's go straight to curbing your daughter's anger outbursts. Allowing a ten year old to continue biting and hitting is disastrous to your family's harmony and her self-esteem. This appears to be a habit since you're saying this started at a young age. Just make sure there isn't anything else fueling the anger (stress, overscheduling, illness, ADHD). Once those are ruled out there are the seven steps to change inappropriate anger displays. This takes consistent commitment on your part and it is doable. but just know the change will happen gradually. She has been using this behavior so long it's now going to take a lot of "erasing" and re-framing. So here ya go...
- Commit to change. You MUST (both of you) decide to stop this ASAP. You must stay on the same page and be consistent. If not, you can actually increase the hitting. But with this kind of behavior you must respond every time the same way.
- Respond calmly. Do not hit her. Please. It is not effective in reducing anger (or any other behavior). It will only enforce the message that this is acceptable. Instead say calmly, "You are angry but you may not hit."
- Apply a consequence every single time she hits. You've allowed it in the past and she's learned she can get away with it. So no more! "That's hitting. Please go to time out." (Notice I said, "please.") Say it firmly, then do not argue with her. You need to set up a place for her to go. Her bedroom is too distracting with things to do so try sitting at the kitchen table or a place there is no TV or cell phones etc. Think about ten minutes max. She is impulsive and this will be hard. If she sits do not talk to her. Ignore her. Don't plead or threaten. The time (set a timer) starts when she calms down. (A timer is great because it will reduce a power struggle. You need to control the timer). If she doesn't go to time out don't pull her or force it Just say firmly, "You need to go to time out." If she still doesn't comply (she gets two tries) it's an automatic loss of a privilege (something she really cares about. Toys, TV, etc)."You didn't go to time out like I asked so there is no TV this evening." Walk away and enforce the privilege removal. If you find taking away a privilege is more effective than time out than do that instead. The trick is to let her know you're not tolerating the behavior.
- Reinforce using control. The fastest way to shape behavior is to acknowledge when a child is uses the right behavior. So whenever she is making an effort to display self control reinforce it. Try to aim for 5 positives to every 1 negative. It may take a while, but that's the goal. Only praise when deserved. If a reward system works- try it. I just don't want you doing too many things and overwhelming yourself, but once you get time out down then you can add a reward approach. A certain specified number of good displays of self control per day--say five--earns her a privilege. Add them up each week and it's a bigger prize. Keep track on a chart on the refrigerator. It must be clearly spelled out ahead.
- Teach a replacer behavior. This one is critical. You want her to stop hitting and biting, so what do you want her to do instead? You must teach a substitute behavior or she will only continue the inappropriate behavior. Teach her to name her feelings. Teach her to walk away (take her own time out). Teach her 1 + 3 + 10 (First say "I'm mad." Then take 3 slow deep breaths. Then count slowly to 10. There are a number of good anger management techniques (my book Parents Do Make a Difference lists a few and the 1 + 3 + 10) just teach only one and nor more than two.
- Rehearse the replacer. Change comes through practice. So practice, practice, practice the new replacer behavior when she is calm. It's the only way the replacer will kick in when she's angry.
- Rebuild your relationship. You are all stressed and frustrated. That can increase the anger. Find fun ways to reconnect. No cost ways. A walk. A movie rental. Baking cookies- whatever, but rebuild connection and if you don't see change in two weeks it's time to seek the help of a trained mental health professional.
Hang in there. New behaviors generally take a minimum of 21 days of repetition to kick in. You must be consistent so track your own responses on a calendar. Above all stay calm with her and don't give up! I would only take on the anger challenge now. Forget other issues. This is where to put your energy.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
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My 4 yr old love to provoke me and play my husband and I against each other. She is very sweet most of the time but I noticed that she will not follow directions when I tell her not to do something. She tells me that she does not like me and then she will say she loves me the next. This behavior started after her 4th birthday.
My 4 yr old love to provoke me and play my husband and I against each other. She is very sweet most of the time but I noticed that she will not follow directions when I tell her not to do something. She tells me that she does not like me and then she will say she loves me the next. This behavior started after her 4th birthday. She seems to want my attention all the time. IF I am on the phone or behind the computer like now she acts up.
My son is 7 and he gets frustrated very easily. When he gets in trouble he goes to his room and hits himself. It worries me tremendously. I will then go to his room and tell him not to hit himself because that scares me. When his 4mth old sister cries he cannot handle it. He literally freaks out, and says he can't handle it. He is not violent with anyone and he doesn't hit or bite. He lies about everything. Please give some advise before this gets out of hand.
When my 5 year old son gets in trouble lately he has started telling me he is going to hurt himself and it is my fault because I hurt his feelings getting on to him. Last night my daughter had spend the night company and he acted so badly with them I put him to bed early. As I was in his room tucking him in he told me that I did not want him anymore and he was going to kill himself. Now lately he has been very interested in God and Heaven and we have talked about going to heaven and not coming back, etc. His father also left 4 weeks ago to do contract work in Afghanistan and will be home in 4 more weeks. He has missed his Dad I know and does not have a concept of time and how much longer he will be gone. This has just started recently and his behavior has been worse since his Dad has been gone, even my husbands sister's have commented on it. He is usually a very sweet and loving boy and gets along well with everyone. This hurting himself thinkin is just worrying me and I am not sure how to handle it correctly, do not want to make it worse.