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Q&A: Cell Phone Safety
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My thirteen year old daughter was recently asked to by a friend of hers who happens to be boy to send him a naked picture of herself over the phone. She was smart enough to tell me about it and we discussed all the reasons why someone should never ever do that, yet just last week I found out that she did send him a picture of herself in her bra and panties, which actually had her more covered than her bikini and luckily she hasn't developed yet. But I'm freaking out. I can't believe she was that stupid after all our discussions. I've taken her phone away and the boy swears he deleted the picture and didn't show anyone and I can only hope that we can trust him. Meanwhile, I haven't told my husband because I'm afraid his head would explode which I feel so guilty about, I never keep secrets from him. I'm so embarrassed at my daughter's stupidity that I can't tell anyone so that's why I guess I really needed this vent. --Tricia
I understand why you need to vent. This is scary stuff. If there's good news in this it is that you have an open relationship with your daughter. For your thirteen-year-old to tell you she sent a photo to her boyfriend in her underwear is huge. You've done something very right to create that openness. You talked about the reasons it is wrong and you took away her cell phone. You did all the right things. So I'm just going to add a few tips here:
1. Keep talking and talking. That discussion has to be an ongoing dialogue. Teens need far more than one time discussions about such serious issues.
2. Research shows the brain of a teen is still developing and those parts that help kids understand "if... then..." aren't always there. It's why you're shocked she did this (regardless of how smart she is) and it's why so many kids are doing very careless and potentially dangerous things. They don't see the consequences. Keep talking consequences about every issue so she learns to start thinking things through. ("if you did that, what could happen?")
3. You might want to cut down on phone features if/when you do decide it's time to give it back to her. No internet or picture capabilities.
4. Talk about sex, although I'm sure you're already aware of this. She is clearly engaging in promiscuous behavior. If she feels comfortable sending her boyfriend a photo of her in her underwear and he wants one of her nude- they're "fairly comfortable", mom. Time to make sure you're talking about birth control precautions.
The photo still concerns me, however. How do you know the boy destroyed it? Posting such photos on Facebook and Myspace are big these days. If these two break up and there is any animosity it's common for kids to post such a photo. That would be devastating for your daughter since the world would see it. Consider talking to that boy. Getting a copy of it. Do you trust him? You might need to get your husband involved because the potential seriousness of the issue.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
My thirteen year old daughter was recently asked to by a friend of hers who happens to be boy to send him a naked picture of herself over the phone. She was smart enough to tell me about it and we discussed all the reasons why someone should never ever do that, yet just last week I found out that she did send him a picture of herself in her bra and panties, which actually had her more covered than her bikini and luckily she hasn't developed yet. But I'm freaking out. I can't believe she was that stupid after all our discussions. I've taken her phone away and the boy swears he deleted the picture and didn't show anyone and I can only hope that we can trust him. Meanwhile, I haven't told my husband because I'm afraid his head would explode which I feel so guilty about, I never keep secrets from him. I'm so embarrassed at my daughter's stupidity that I can't tell anyone so that's why I guess I really needed this vent. --TriciaI understand why you need to vent. This is scary stuff. If there's good news in this it is that you have an open relationship with your daughter. For your thirteen-year-old to tell you she sent a photo to her boyfriend in her underwear is huge. You've done something very right to create that openness. You talked about the reasons it is wrong and you took away her cell phone. You did all the right things. So I'm just going to add a few tips here:1. Keep talking and talking. That discussion has to be an ongoing dialogue. Teens need far more than one time discussions about such serious issues.
2. Research shows the brain of a teen is still developing and those parts that help kids understand "if... then..." aren't always there. It's why you're shocked she did this (regardless of how smart she is) and it's why so many kids are doing very careless and potentially dangerous things. They don't see the consequences. Keep talking consequences about every issue so she learns to start thinking things through. ("if you did that, what could happen?")
3. You might want to cut down on phone features if/when you do decide it's time to give it back to her. No internet or picture capabilities.
4. Talk about sex, although I'm sure you're already aware of this. She is clearly engaging in promiscuous behavior. If she feels comfortable sending her boyfriend a photo of her in her underwear and he wants one of her nude- they're "fairly comfortable", mom. Time to make sure you're talking about birth control precautions.
The photo still concerns me, however. How do you know the boy destroyed it? Posting such photos on Facebook and Myspace are big these days. If these two break up and there is any animosity it's common for kids to post such a photo. That would be devastating for your daughter since the world would see it. Consider talking to that boy. Getting a copy of it. Do you trust him? You might need to get your husband involved because the potential seriousness of the issue.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
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As a Dad with a daughter, this scares me.
I hope this woman tells her husband. If I were in this situation, I would go knocking on this boys door just to be sure.
And I would replace my daughter's phone with one that doesn't have a camera.
You may want to tell your mom that what her daughter did was a sign of the times. Many young girls are doing it and don't realize what can happen. Usually the girl does not get into legal trouble, but the boy she sends the picture to does. He sends it to his friends to be cool and they in turn pass it on until it's been viewed by many. Then when the the situation gets discovered by someone at the school they must report this to the police. The boy then gets charged with distributing child porn. It's an awful mess for the families of both involved and it's a shameful situation for both children. This story is happening all over our country and while the boy is charged and then has a record the girl feels terrible and sometimes is made fun of at school. This happened to a family we know. It is horrible. The police and district attorney wanted to charge the boy with a terrible crime and he was going to have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. After thousands of dollars for an attorney that did not happen in our case, but it has in many others. I'm sure the girl had no idea what could have happend. Please make sure every girl and boy know what they can do with a cell phone and some stupid pictures.
There has been a very similar case that has made front page news of our local newspaper for the past few weeks. A girl of about the same age sent a nude picture to three friends over the summer. She did it as a joke, but once school began, it became a very hot topic and a serious issue. To date, they know that the photograph has been forwarded over 200x, many kids had their cell phones confiscated for containing a pornographic photo of a minor and other kids were suspended.
These children do need to know that this is very serious - and while they are young and think it's a joke just amongst friends - the far reaching potential is very frightening.
I think parents are getting phones for their kids way too early. I have an 8 year old and she tells me half her class has cell phones. Then I read on the internet that 35% of tweens (ages 8-12) have cell phones of their own. This is just too young. Why get them addicted to technology at such an early age? They have their whole life to be talking and texting. Let them just enjoy their childhood without all the technical gadgets.