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Are You A Lonely Mom? Time To Start A Momtourage
Well ladies, the data is in and it appears that American moms aren’t faring so well. Oh, we’re doing just fine in our mothering... Our kids adore us and choose us as the person they admire most. Their test scores are up, and spending time with us is what makes them the happiest. What we are flunking is a critical subject: “How to take care of ourselves.” This should come as little surprise, but a whopping 96% of moms feel they are far more stressed than their own mothers. Reports say moms today are constantly sleep-deprived, caffeine addicted, chronically fatigued, and lonely.
Watch the segment from TODAY
So what’s causing this new Lonely Mother’s Club trend? Here are a few changes over these last years that have reduced our crucial mommy support systems, leaving us feeling more alone and stressed:
The truth is we devote so much time to our families, we forget to take time for our social needs. Sure, we love to be with our men and our kids, but we also need women companionship. Girlfriends really help reduce our stress, restore balance and serve as the support system we need to reduce our loneliness. Think of these women as your Momtourage. Best yet, joining other mothers can also save you money and time!
- Moms working at home. More moms work at home to be with kids, but there goes the co-workers
- Single moms. 4 in 10 moms are “single” parents; 36% of all births are from unmarried women
- Divorce. 1 in 2 kids will live with a single-parent family at some point in their childhood
- Military deployment. More parenting partners are now deployed than in last 40 years
- Time. We spend more time per week with kids: 14.1 hours in 2007 vs. 10.2 hours in 1965
- Working dads. Longer hours away, business travel
- Mobility. “The job search” uproots families further away from grandparents and relatives
- Crunched economy. Moms cut back as finances get tighter
- Less female support. At the end of the 19th century nearly 50% of mothers lived with another female, such as a mother or sister, who helped with housework and child rearing. That number is now down to 20%.
The truth is we devote so much time to our families, we forget to take time for our social needs. Sure, we love to be with our men and our kids, but we also need women companionship. Girlfriends really help reduce our stress, restore balance and serve as the support system we need to reduce our loneliness. Think of these women as your Momtourage. Best yet, joining other mothers can also save you money and time!
Here are the five steps to start your own momtourage:
A momtourage can meet just about any motherly need... it's just about actually getting up and putting one together. Take a look at some of these common bonds that can bring your momtourage together:
Exercise groups. Put your toddler in a stroller and walk each morning with other women. Join a mother-daughter yoga class or have your girlfriend come over each day, pop in that "Buns of Steel" tape and go girl!
"Mommy and Me" groups. Find one mom and plan little outings. It doesn’t have to cost a dime and it’s healthy company for you as well as your kids.
Book clubs. If you and your kids like to read, why not start a mother-daughter (or mother-son) book club? Instead of reading apart, you can enjoy the company of each other.
Mom chat groups. Online chat groups are so hot these days. Why not set up a time for a 20-minute chat with your girlfriends? You can stay connected without leaving your house.
Carpooling. Coordinating any carpooling saves you time and gas. Find just one mom who needs to drive her child somewhere on a regular basis. The kids in your car pool do not have to be friends or even the same age. The only criterion is that everyone is going to a nearby area. Just add ten minutes onto the car pool for the other mom to stop in for coffee.
Babysitting co-op. My sanity saver was a babysitting program amongst a group of ten moms. We watched each other’s kids and kept track of our hours. The kids loved playing with their friends and the mothers loved having the few hours to go shopping or out to lunch with a girlfriend, the gym or a date with their husband.
Nag partner. Need encouragement to lose weight, exercise more or eat healthier? Just ask a girlfriend to “gently” remind you of your intention by giving you a once-a-day call.
Meal planning. Plan weekly meals together, swap recipes, or cook meals and freeze a few.
Mommy hobbies. Want to learn to knit, garden, paint, write, scrapbook? Join another mom and learn the craft together!
Coffee clutch. Going out to lunch may be tough, but why not rotate morning coffees at each other’s homes? Each mom can even bring her own snack, coffee cup and kid.
Here's the bottom line: Don’t lose sight of your own social needs, Mom. What your kids really need is a genuine, healthy, and energized woman who enjoys not only her family, but also herself. Let me know what way you’ve joined up with other mothers to form your own momtourage. I’d love to hear your ideas!
- Identify your momtourage need. Exercising, losing weight, learning a hobby (like knitting or gardening), a book club, meal planning, kid advice. What kind of support do you need?
- Find at least one mom who shares your need. A neighbor, relative, church group member, or the mom from your kid’s playgroup, T-ball team, or school. Start the search!
- Designate a convenient meeting spot. Your home, her home, the library, a playground, the gym, the Internet, or via phone text. (A momtourage does not have to meet face to face.)
- Set a consistent meeting time. Try cutting just one activity (that’s an hour a week) that isn’t that crucial. Or do something you already do with another mom. Cook a weekly meal with a mom. Ride bikes with your kids and her kids. Practice T-ball together with your sons.
- Do it! Meet for the first time together via phone, Internet, or face to face and start planning!
A momtourage can meet just about any motherly need... it's just about actually getting up and putting one together. Take a look at some of these common bonds that can bring your momtourage together:
Exercise groups. Put your toddler in a stroller and walk each morning with other women. Join a mother-daughter yoga class or have your girlfriend come over each day, pop in that "Buns of Steel" tape and go girl!
"Mommy and Me" groups. Find one mom and plan little outings. It doesn’t have to cost a dime and it’s healthy company for you as well as your kids.
Book clubs. If you and your kids like to read, why not start a mother-daughter (or mother-son) book club? Instead of reading apart, you can enjoy the company of each other.
Mom chat groups. Online chat groups are so hot these days. Why not set up a time for a 20-minute chat with your girlfriends? You can stay connected without leaving your house.
Carpooling. Coordinating any carpooling saves you time and gas. Find just one mom who needs to drive her child somewhere on a regular basis. The kids in your car pool do not have to be friends or even the same age. The only criterion is that everyone is going to a nearby area. Just add ten minutes onto the car pool for the other mom to stop in for coffee.
Babysitting co-op. My sanity saver was a babysitting program amongst a group of ten moms. We watched each other’s kids and kept track of our hours. The kids loved playing with their friends and the mothers loved having the few hours to go shopping or out to lunch with a girlfriend, the gym or a date with their husband.
Nag partner. Need encouragement to lose weight, exercise more or eat healthier? Just ask a girlfriend to “gently” remind you of your intention by giving you a once-a-day call.
Meal planning. Plan weekly meals together, swap recipes, or cook meals and freeze a few.
Mommy hobbies. Want to learn to knit, garden, paint, write, scrapbook? Join another mom and learn the craft together!
Coffee clutch. Going out to lunch may be tough, but why not rotate morning coffees at each other’s homes? Each mom can even bring her own snack, coffee cup and kid.
Here's the bottom line: Don’t lose sight of your own social needs, Mom. What your kids really need is a genuine, healthy, and energized woman who enjoys not only her family, but also herself. Let me know what way you’ve joined up with other mothers to form your own momtourage. I’d love to hear your ideas!
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Yes - I quit my job after 17 years and know exactly what you're talking about. I have one son and spend most of my time with him. My husband works late, I don't see my friends anymore because 99% of them work, my co-workers keep in touch once in a while, we just moved into a new area, and I am lost.
Hi all!!!
I gave up every thing years ago to be a wife and mother I love both but too look back know I gave up so much of me for my family.
Husband is in law enforecment works long hours my oldest son is 17 years old does his own thing and my youngest son is 8 he is growing fast before our eye's.
I have not worked for about 13 years I love to stay home but it seems like the T.V. is my only friend... I am not much in to the mom thing where we just hang out and talk about kids... Just want a friend and some one to talk to from to time..
Lost and friendless
I quit working in a all female office. Now I stay home with my 2 kids. My husband moved jobs out of state. So I don't see my ex co-works friends or even family anymore. It seems that all the women I have met here have completly different scedules and family matters than my family and myself. It is hard to get anyone together. Mostly they say it is all good, but when it comes down to it NOTHING. It is really frusterating and I feel isolated.
This is just what I need. I do have a full time job, but the only problem is that 99% of my coworkers are men. The other 1% are not moms. I don't really have a true girlfriend who has kids and understand all the struggles and challenges I face - including zero me time.
I need girlfriends I can talk to and maybe go out for a drink or to the spa with once in a while.
This is the killer app:
Since I and most of my friends work, we did exactly this for dinner every Monday night -- when we and the kids were exhausted. We started when the babies were born and continued every Monday night for FIVE years! It really knitted us all together and helped us have something to look forward to at the beginning of a busy week (plus not having to cook...)
As the kids have gotten older (12 years old now), we no longer drag them out to every dinner. But we moms still stay in touch -- it's been wonderful.
Great column!
hi everyone!! I'm 37 and my husband & i are proud parents of a 9 month old boy!! We are foster parents but get to adopt him!!! Yea!!!!! We waited 13 years but he is worth it. The problem I'm having is that i don't want to go anywhere without him. I love him so much that i would feel guilty. I also don't work and all the I used to have work. I am trying to find friends around here but they all have older children.
I am so very lonely. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have such a hard time making or keeping friends. I work, it's a small office and I've been there for 4 years, so if it was going to happen it would have by now.
I live on a cul-de sac that consists of us and retired people with no children. I really wish there was a way to meet a friend online like online dating.
I saw the segment on TODAY this morning and the idea of identifying a need hit home. I am a 1st time stay-at-home-mom to an almost 3 month old baby boy named Roman. And although I have yearned to be right where I am I find myself missing grown up conversation and interaction. My husband is AWESOME and extremely supportive and emotionally available but it's just not the same as having girlfriends. I too have become distanced from most of my friends...either we can't align our schedules or we just don't have much in common anymore. I would love to have a friend or two to bounce things off of regarding the ups and downs of parenting and some lady friends to walk with on a regular basis would be terrific. I know that there must be a ton of women in my area that feel the same way...but I'm not sure how to find them. Maybe this will pave the way.
I too saw the segment on the TODAY show and it hit a nerve with me. i agree with you, Nikki. We live out in the country and have only two sets of neighbors. I wish I had someone too talk with. Feel free to eMail me at mash0514@att.net.
I too saw the segment on the TODAY show and it hit a 100% just like you nikki and Kristina. I love my daughter but still I wish I had someone to talk,walk,etc. Love and God bless you all
My family and I relocated out of state 18 months ago-we have a 9 year old and a 4 year old. I have a friend in my husbands wife, but they are a 20 minute commute away and she has a full plate with her two kids. Other than that, that is the only "friend" I have and I don't want to feel like the leach.
I am having the toughest time making friends that I want to be friends with. It seems as though nobody is interested in having fun! When I want to get out, I want to get away, go dancing, karaoke...fun things. Am I being too picky??
try joining a gym. I met one of my best friends ever and lots of other friends in aerobic classes.
I am really in a bad place right now.
My husband owns a restaurant and is home one day a week - Mondays. I work too so I'm not home Mondays. We never see each other.
Because of this, I am alone most of the time with my 14 month old. People don't include me when they have people over on the weekends because usually weekend things are family or couple times. I think people are uncomfortable only hanging around with me.
I cannot remember the last time I went out socially with anyone, let alone my husband. I'm afraid I'm going to turn my son into some loser freak like I am.
Please help.
The feeling is so common that a friend of mine, a comedian, actually created a character called "Lonely Mom". The character is so desperate she makes a video log. This is for a teenager, not a baby, but I think the feeling is still the same.
Anyhow, if any of you out there are lonely and bored you can check out the clips and the site. We created this because we all remembered the feelings.
www.rantingparent.com/page2/page22/lonelymomvlog.html