Q&A: When Discipline Is Too Strict

Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!

I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage.  We pretty much all get along but I feel as though my boyfriend doesnt have that same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son...  Especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. Cannot color, cannot read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the tv he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying... My son is a good kid, he doesnt misbehave, doesnt have fights in school, he doesnt talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesnt focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is; Am I overreacting?  To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe alittle and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.
--Jessica Diaz

I read your note and am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severly damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.

Your boyfriend is threatening to your child ("I will hit you.") The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week - and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)

Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple" - it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "Forgive and Forget." The parent and child relationship remains entact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that is fair and reasonable.

PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being.  I am also concerned about you. Are you safe? Are you being threatened? Do not show this note to your boyfriend if you feel at all threatened. Probably best not to anyway.  Get help. If you need to know what to do next, please write me again and I'll direct you further.  I cannot stress the long-term affect how your child is being treated will have on his life.

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1 Comments

PB said:

I always thought that when you have blended family situations, the discipline was left up to the biological parent.

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Michele Borba

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Author of books like No More Misbehavin' and Don't Give Me That Attitude!, parenting expert, educational psychologist, Today show contributor and mom Michele Borba is here to help you.

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