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Q&A: Children and Funerals
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I am wondering what your opinion is on young children attending funerals. My children's Grandmother is passing away and my ex-wife wants them to attend but I feel that they should not. They are 12 and 14 and have only seen them 1 to 2 times a year for the past 5 years. And they are already dealing with many life issues etc... Thanks a lot.
First, my sympathies to you and your family about your loss. It is hard to predict how a child responds to grief so keep a closer eye on your children during these times to continually assess they are coping. Bedtime is particularly difficult for kids who have just lost a loved one. Also identify any specific fears or worries your children may have so you can alleviate any misconceptions about death.
As for your children attending a funeral this is of course a personal choice, but most grief counselors actually encourage kids to attend a service because it provides closure, a way for the child to “let go” or say goodbye, celebrate the memory of the deceased, and be part of a community grieving process.
That said, you still have to consider the child’s age and maturity, length of the service, receptivity to attend, and whether it is to be an open or closed casket.
Whatever your decision, do know that many grief counselors say that children are more upset if they are not allowed to attend and regret not going to say their goodbyes. A lot depends on how close they are to the deceased.That’s something I’m not clear about from your note. Regardless of distance or not being in contact with their grandmother personally, they still might feel close. Have you considered just asking your kids what they would like to do or at least feel about the issue? They are old enough to have strong views and make a choice. Would that work?
If the kids are at all close to their grandmother you could also find ways to involve your kids in the grieving process. They could create a photo album or video presentation about the life of the deceased, write a note or make a floral bouquet. Helping children find a way to contribute often helps them feel release their grief in a proactive way. You might also encourage them to commemorate the loss in some concrete way (such as planting a tree or giving a favorite object). Research shows that such acts help the child feel more included in the grieving process as well as create positive memories.
My only red flag here is that you said your kids were going through other kinds of stress. So the counselor in me would ask: What kind of stress? How severe is the stress? Are they already seeing a counselor? Would an incident like this cause an emotional setback? In those cases use your“ Dad Instinct.” I don’t have enough of the facts there.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
I am wondering what your opinion is on young children attending funerals. My children's Grandmother is passing away and my ex-wife wants them to attend but I feel that they should not. They are 12 and 14 and have only seen them 1 to 2 times a year for the past 5 years. And they are already dealing with many life issues etc... Thanks a lot.
First, my sympathies to you and your family about your loss. It is hard to predict how a child responds to grief so keep a closer eye on your children during these times to continually assess they are coping. Bedtime is particularly difficult for kids who have just lost a loved one. Also identify any specific fears or worries your children may have so you can alleviate any misconceptions about death.As for your children attending a funeral this is of course a personal choice, but most grief counselors actually encourage kids to attend a service because it provides closure, a way for the child to “let go” or say goodbye, celebrate the memory of the deceased, and be part of a community grieving process.
That said, you still have to consider the child’s age and maturity, length of the service, receptivity to attend, and whether it is to be an open or closed casket.
Whatever your decision, do know that many grief counselors say that children are more upset if they are not allowed to attend and regret not going to say their goodbyes. A lot depends on how close they are to the deceased.That’s something I’m not clear about from your note. Regardless of distance or not being in contact with their grandmother personally, they still might feel close. Have you considered just asking your kids what they would like to do or at least feel about the issue? They are old enough to have strong views and make a choice. Would that work?
If the kids are at all close to their grandmother you could also find ways to involve your kids in the grieving process. They could create a photo album or video presentation about the life of the deceased, write a note or make a floral bouquet. Helping children find a way to contribute often helps them feel release their grief in a proactive way. You might also encourage them to commemorate the loss in some concrete way (such as planting a tree or giving a favorite object). Research shows that such acts help the child feel more included in the grieving process as well as create positive memories.
My only red flag here is that you said your kids were going through other kinds of stress. So the counselor in me would ask: What kind of stress? How severe is the stress? Are they already seeing a counselor? Would an incident like this cause an emotional setback? In those cases use your“ Dad Instinct.” I don’t have enough of the facts there.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
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I totally feel that children attend funerals or memorial services from a young age. I was raised that way although at age five I lost my beloved grandfather and the family decided I was too young to attend. To this day, 57 years later, I regret that was their choice. I did attend a number of funerals as a child and found they had a place in life and also taught me respect of the survivors and today attending a funeral as support and respect is easy. My close friend whose first funeral was at 35 when her father died was totally distraught at the very thought of a funeral and it was a very traumatic time for her. We accept what we know and there is no better time to learn than as a child.
I totally agree. My father's family also decided that anyone under the age of 8 was too young to attend my grandfather's funeral. We were all left with a babysitter. Those of us who were old enough to understand what we were missing were very upset. Those who were too young, still regret the loss now. Later when I was 15 my maternal grandmother died, my mother insisted that we all attend the funeral and the viewing. I was upset and did not want to say goodbye. But I will forever be grateful that I had a wise parent who gave me that chance anyway. My sister was only 5 and patted my grandmother's face very lovingly. I was horrified at the time, but I look back on it now as one of the most beautiful, tender moments of the day.
I think you should bring your children to funerals it is a part of life - I have brought my kids since they were 5 and 3. I did not want their first experience with death to be a close relative. My son was only asked one question the whole day, Mommy is that how Auntie is going to heaven? - (Incense used in a church) He was looking at this through his eyes a child on an adult. Death is a part of life, everyone has to deal with it. Why not expose them early? They will not be so afraid of him at more impressionable ages. 12, 13, 14 etc.
I have been raised in the funeral business for 30 years, since the age of 12. My father had always been very upfront regarding children attending funerals. As a funeral director when questions were posed to him about children attending, he would ask - do they go to the post office? the drug store? etc. Going to the funeral home should be a part of everyday life-just like going to the doctor. Sometimes we don't like it, sometimes we don't like what happens there, but dying is part of living, and you haven't lived until you understand loss and grief. I am not a psychologist, however, I did choose to raise my children while working in this business. I now have a 10 year old son and 6 year old daughter. Anytime they have wanted to ask a question, I have given them an answer. They have asked to touch someone's hand, to look at them, etc. Children are curious beings, if we downplay their curiosities we are placing our feelings/insecurities on them. Anytime a child who visits our funeral home has a question I am eager to answer. One child asked if his grandfather had on pants since all he could see was from the waist up, and while we were alone I showed him his grandfather was fully dressed. I would never want a child to leave thinking any different. There are also lots of circumstances with dying, but even the most tragic of deaths should be discussed and children should not be sheltered. As a generation trying to teach the next, we want them to understand, they are not invincible. Death can happen to anyone at anytime - and yes it is sad, but we learn, we heal and we LIVE!
I have been raised in the funeral business for 30 years, since the age of 12. My father had always been very upfront regarding children attending funerals. As a funeral director when questions were posed to him about children attending, he would ask - do they go to the post office? the drug store? etc. Going to the funeral home should be a part of everyday life-just like going to the doctor. Sometimes we don't like it, sometimes we don't like what happens there, but dying is part of living, and you haven't lived until you understand loss and grief. I am not a psychologist, however, I did choose to raise my children while working in this business. I now have a 10 year old son and 6 year old daughter. Anytime they have wanted to ask a question, I have given them an answer. They have asked to touch someone's hand, to look at them, etc. Children are curious beings, if we downplay their curiosities we are placing our feelings/insecurities on them. Anytime a child who visits our funeral home has a question I am eager to answer. One child asked if his grandfather had on pants since all he could see was from the waist up, and while we were alone I showed him his grandfather was fully dressed. I would never want a child to leave thinking any different. There are also lots of circumstances with dying, but even the most tragic of deaths should be discussed and children should not be sheltered. As a generation trying to teach the next, we want them to understand, they are not invincible. Death can happen to anyone at anytime - and yes it is sad, but we learn, we heal and we LIVE!
When my husband passed away from cancer my son was 4 years old. My son had been in the house with his dad during the illness. It would have been sad for him to not go through the service to be able to experience the cycle of life. I also had a daughter who was 6 months old who did not attend the service. I now have 4 children ages 27, 23, 20, 19. All have been included in family and friends funerals. They have been a great comfort to other family and friends who have not attended a service. They all asked questions, and I have always answered them truthfully. Children need to see life and experience it. All of them have told me how they have appreciated being able to have the knowledge of what will happen and have even spoke about what they would like to have at thier own services. A child should never be excluded from this important time in life.
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