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Q&A: The Secrets Of Effective Discipline
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I am divorced with three kids, ages 3, 5, 7. I have been dating a man for about eight months and we live together. He gives me a hard time, saying that I don't know how to take care of my kids every time they act up even the slightest bit. I do timeouts, I have a "tally" system to reward their good behavior and help control their naughty behavior and try to do everything I can to raise my kids right. However, he is constantly telling me that I don't make my timeouts long enough (I go by their age- 3 minutes for the 3-year-old, etc.) and that I'm too lenient with their discipline. He tells me that I need to take parenting classes even though he's never been around children before mine. Am I really too lenient? Should I be doing more? Or is there a way for me to show him that I'm doing it the best I can and he's the one that needs to get more experience, without causing a fight between us? For the record, I get compliments about my kids from everyone else; people always compliment me about how well they behave.
-- Krista
There are two secrets of good discipline: it should be EASY and EFFECTIVE. It need not be harsh (nor should it) to get results. But it always should be dealt in a calm and consistent manner.
Each parent is going to vary his or her approach (which is fine) because you need to find the approach that works best for you and your child.
And there is one test to see if the discipline is effective: Is the child learning from the discipline so the inappropriate behavior is decreasing?
Reread the letter you wrote me. I see all of those elements of effective discipline.
Mothering is hard enough but if you're always being told that your approach is inadequate it will take a toll on your self-esteem. Don't let it, Krista. Stay true to your instincts--they're sound and your kids will benefit.
The one true gauge of good parenting is: "Do my kids act right without me?" You're headed on the right course. Stay the path!
All the best,
Michele Borba
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
More from Michele Borba:
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
I am divorced with three kids, ages 3, 5, 7. I have been dating a man for about eight months and we live together. He gives me a hard time, saying that I don't know how to take care of my kids every time they act up even the slightest bit. I do timeouts, I have a "tally" system to reward their good behavior and help control their naughty behavior and try to do everything I can to raise my kids right. However, he is constantly telling me that I don't make my timeouts long enough (I go by their age- 3 minutes for the 3-year-old, etc.) and that I'm too lenient with their discipline. He tells me that I need to take parenting classes even though he's never been around children before mine. Am I really too lenient? Should I be doing more? Or is there a way for me to show him that I'm doing it the best I can and he's the one that needs to get more experience, without causing a fight between us? For the record, I get compliments about my kids from everyone else; people always compliment me about how well they behave.-- Krista
There are two secrets of good discipline: it should be EASY and EFFECTIVE. It need not be harsh (nor should it) to get results. But it always should be dealt in a calm and consistent manner.
Each parent is going to vary his or her approach (which is fine) because you need to find the approach that works best for you and your child.
And there is one test to see if the discipline is effective: Is the child learning from the discipline so the inappropriate behavior is decreasing?
Reread the letter you wrote me. I see all of those elements of effective discipline.
- You found what works for you and it seems easy enough.
- You are consistent in your attempt to raise good kids.
- You are not too harsh. In fact the time out length (one minute per age of the child) is appropriate.
- You are also reinforcing good behavior with a system you find effective for you.
- And -- best yet--your discipline is effective!!! If you are getting compliments from other parents that your kids are well-behaved then you get the gold ring.
Mothering is hard enough but if you're always being told that your approach is inadequate it will take a toll on your self-esteem. Don't let it, Krista. Stay true to your instincts--they're sound and your kids will benefit.
The one true gauge of good parenting is: "Do my kids act right without me?" You're headed on the right course. Stay the path!
All the best,
Michele Borba
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
More from Michele Borba:
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
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I have a two year old son who will the three in August, and he still will not go to bed on his own. I have to hold him every night. It is not nice and quiet, he fights me every night. Kicking screaming and even hitting me. Please Help.
My advise would be watch Supernanny. It may seem pathetic but they have really great parenting advise. They also have quite a few episodes on how to put your child to sleep without a fight.