Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com
- Pregnancy & Parenting
- Parenting Secrets
Q&A: Handling Tantrums
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
How do i stop my 2 year old tantrums? She likes to scream, get on the floor, the whole works. In public it is hard to deal with. What do I do to train her not do deal with her frustrations in this way?
--Anna
My 6 year old daughter has some annoying habits. If things aren't going her way she gets the worst attitude. One that sometimes includes refusing to do things and having temper tantrums.What do I do?
--Chrissy Mealy
Ahha! Tantrums!!! Rest assured this is one of the most annoying kid behaviors. I get more questions about tantrums then just about any other topic. But there is one huge parenting secret: A tantrum is a device kids use to get what they want because they've learned it works. The secret to stopping them is don't ever give in to the outburst. That said, here are a few tips to start reducing those tantrums.
Step 1. Anticipate the Tantrum to Prevent the Outburst
The biggest mistake we make is waiting until our kids are in full meltdown to deal with their out-of-control behavior. Your best bet is to anticipate its onset before the explosion. Watch for your child's unique tantrum pre-signs-tension, antsy, the first whimper-and immediately redirect his behavior: “Look, at that little boy over there.” “Want to get out of the stroller and push it with Mommy?” Sometimes it helps pointing out your kid's frustration signs: “Looks like you're getting tired. Let's take a walk.” Little tykes don't yet have the maturity to gauge their emotions, so you'll need to be their self-regulator at first. If you see your youngster getting frustrated, that's the time to try calming down techniques to help her stay in control. Get eye to eye and talk soothingly to her: rub her back, hold her gently or hum a relaxing song. Sometimes putting what your child feels into words can stop an explosion: “Waiting is hard, especially when you want to go home right this minute.” She might not have the language to express his frustrations, so hearing you say them can be reassuring. Once you figure out what works best for your child's temperament, use it quickly. Kids' behavior can turn into a full-blown tornado in record time.
Step 2. Set a Zero Tolerance Policy for Tantrums
Once your child explodes, absolutely refuse to interact with your child until the tantrum subsides. She needs to know this behavior will not be tolerated. Don't coax, yell, spank, or try to reason with your kid: it usually never works. Besides, she won't hear you above her screams. Do not respond in any way. Don't even make eye contact. It's sometimes necessary to gently hold a really out-of-control kid to keep him from hurting himself or others, but once he's at a safer point, go about your business.
Step 3. Consistently Use the 'No Tantrum' Policy Everywhere
Once your establish your behavior policy, it's critical that you use the same response every time she acts out so he knows you mean business. That also means when you're in public. Remove your kid from the scene: find a private area or go to the car until she acts right, or leave altogether. Yep, it's inconvenient, but you can't tolerate her inappropriate behavior. Consistency is critical in squelching out-of-control behaviors.
Step 4. Teach Positive Alternatives to Losing Control
When you're both calm, talk about appropriate ways to handle frustrations. Teach her a few feeling words--such as angry, mad, sad, tired or frustrated--then encourage him label how he feels: “I'm mad” or “I feel really cranky.” Though tantrums are never pleasant, you can use them to teach important lessons on communicating needs and handling frustrations appropriately.
Step 5. For Kid OLDER Than Three
The best consequence for persistent tantrums is time out but it generally isn't advisable until around 3 years old. Handle the tantrum the minute it occurs-don't wait to deal with it later. Calmly move your kid to a secluded spot or selected “time out” area. Make sure no TV, toys, or other kids are around. The time out is one minute per age of the child--and time starts once the child is CALM. This must be enforced everyplace and anytime. You should see a gradual diminishment in the behavior. Gradual. BE CONSISTENT.
Hang tough Moms!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
How do i stop my 2 year old tantrums? She likes to scream, get on the floor, the whole works. In public it is hard to deal with. What do I do to train her not do deal with her frustrations in this way?--Anna
My 6 year old daughter has some annoying habits. If things aren't going her way she gets the worst attitude. One that sometimes includes refusing to do things and having temper tantrums.What do I do?--Chrissy Mealy
Ahha! Tantrums!!! Rest assured this is one of the most annoying kid behaviors. I get more questions about tantrums then just about any other topic. But there is one huge parenting secret: A tantrum is a device kids use to get what they want because they've learned it works. The secret to stopping them is don't ever give in to the outburst. That said, here are a few tips to start reducing those tantrums. Step 1. Anticipate the Tantrum to Prevent the Outburst
The biggest mistake we make is waiting until our kids are in full meltdown to deal with their out-of-control behavior. Your best bet is to anticipate its onset before the explosion. Watch for your child's unique tantrum pre-signs-tension, antsy, the first whimper-and immediately redirect his behavior: “Look, at that little boy over there.” “Want to get out of the stroller and push it with Mommy?” Sometimes it helps pointing out your kid's frustration signs: “Looks like you're getting tired. Let's take a walk.” Little tykes don't yet have the maturity to gauge their emotions, so you'll need to be their self-regulator at first. If you see your youngster getting frustrated, that's the time to try calming down techniques to help her stay in control. Get eye to eye and talk soothingly to her: rub her back, hold her gently or hum a relaxing song. Sometimes putting what your child feels into words can stop an explosion: “Waiting is hard, especially when you want to go home right this minute.” She might not have the language to express his frustrations, so hearing you say them can be reassuring. Once you figure out what works best for your child's temperament, use it quickly. Kids' behavior can turn into a full-blown tornado in record time.
Step 2. Set a Zero Tolerance Policy for Tantrums
Once your child explodes, absolutely refuse to interact with your child until the tantrum subsides. She needs to know this behavior will not be tolerated. Don't coax, yell, spank, or try to reason with your kid: it usually never works. Besides, she won't hear you above her screams. Do not respond in any way. Don't even make eye contact. It's sometimes necessary to gently hold a really out-of-control kid to keep him from hurting himself or others, but once he's at a safer point, go about your business.
Step 3. Consistently Use the 'No Tantrum' Policy Everywhere
Once your establish your behavior policy, it's critical that you use the same response every time she acts out so he knows you mean business. That also means when you're in public. Remove your kid from the scene: find a private area or go to the car until she acts right, or leave altogether. Yep, it's inconvenient, but you can't tolerate her inappropriate behavior. Consistency is critical in squelching out-of-control behaviors.
Step 4. Teach Positive Alternatives to Losing Control
When you're both calm, talk about appropriate ways to handle frustrations. Teach her a few feeling words--such as angry, mad, sad, tired or frustrated--then encourage him label how he feels: “I'm mad” or “I feel really cranky.” Though tantrums are never pleasant, you can use them to teach important lessons on communicating needs and handling frustrations appropriately.
Step 5. For Kid OLDER Than Three
The best consequence for persistent tantrums is time out but it generally isn't advisable until around 3 years old. Handle the tantrum the minute it occurs-don't wait to deal with it later. Calmly move your kid to a secluded spot or selected “time out” area. Make sure no TV, toys, or other kids are around. The time out is one minute per age of the child--and time starts once the child is CALM. This must be enforced everyplace and anytime. You should see a gradual diminishment in the behavior. Gradual. BE CONSISTENT.
Hang tough Moms!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Q&A: Handling Tantrums.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://micheleborba.ivillage.com/system/mt-tb.cgi/6295
3 Comments
Leave a comment
* - mandatory fields.
** - We do not collect Emails but for verification purposes valid email must be provided
My daughter is 3,5 yr is afraid to push her stool or sit on the toilette to poo
she had constipation before and her stool was hard and painful,now with lactulose the stool is softer, but she is afraid to push and keeps it for days. The stool though comes in form of pieces in her pants and she screams and cries everytime. She pushes maybe after 3 days the big one which is then really big in her pants and the screaming is deafening.She refuses to sit on the toilet and push. When I once tried to punish her, she refused to tell me she pood in her pants, and she started lying. I am afraid to punish her, if she poos in her pants, so she stops pooing at all. What can I do, I am out of sources
Dr. Borba. I couldn't find any other way to contact you. There was an article on bullying (msn) this morning (6/24) and your name was mentioned. You are not going to believe this, but my office sounds just like that article on relational bullying. It's gotten so bad that three people have left since January, I'm the only one left among these bullies. It started with a person with some power and then she grouped others in the office around her and before long she had this gang of miscreants wreaking havoc! You couldn't join the gang it you wanted to. They had some type of criteria for each of us, I'm sure, but I can't figure out what it was/is. I run from conflict, because when I've addressed issues, it's met with temper flair ups and door slamming. So, this really is not an issue for the playground alone, you might find this to be an ongoing behaviour into adulthood.
I have 3 children, age 8, 3 3/4 (almost 4), and an 18 month old. I have a hard time dividing my attention with them and spending quality time with any of them. When I try to help one child or spend time with one, another sits on my lap or tries to distract me. The older 2 argue constantly unless they are watching t.v. and although I know I shouldn't let them sit in front of it, I do just to get some peace and some house work done. My son constantly aggravates my 3 year old who in turn aggravates him. I'm afraid my 18month old is going to follow their lead. How can I get them to get along and how can I get some quality time with them, while still getting my chores done and dinner cooked? Thanks for any advice.