Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com
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Michele Borba Answers Reader Questions
Yesterday Michele Borba wrote about when you should really worry about your kids, and when to know things are "just a phase".
Today she answers two questions from readers which relate to yesterday's post.
I have a 10 year-old son that has been claiming all sorts of medical problems. One minute he has a headache, then the next he can't breathe, then the next his heart is beating too fast, then too slow. It's obvious that he's not actually having these issues because he will also be playing and running around at the same time. When he's distracted it doesn't bother him. He seems to worry far too much about being sick. He also has taken to reading the warning labels on everything and asking if it's OK to eat some foods (is the expiration date OK, etc.). One day he even asked me if it was OK to eat his sandwich because the hand soap he just used said "do not ingest" on it. What can I do to make him understand that he doesn't need to worry about such things? Or is this just a phase he's going through?
-- Malissa
No, this is not a phase your child is going through and will not go away by itself. Your son is worrying too much and it is impacting too many other parts of his life. He is not doing this intentionally and his obsessive behavior is something that should be addressed. Please seek the help of an adolescent and child psychologist. There are coping strategies your child can learn now that will help him for the rest of his life. He also should be evaluated to see if something else could be triggering this behavior. He is struggling too much. Hang in there! And do not give up.
All the best to you and your family,
Michele Borba
My son is 8 years old and he still has problems with potty training. If he is engaged in an activity, he will go in his pants rather than stop playing. Even if he is at home, watching tv or playing video games, he will, if he chooses, go in his pants rather than go to the restroom. He has been punished for it in various ways over the last 2 years and I have taken him to see a therapist, who said he is bright and healthy, just lazy. Could that be all there is to it? Last week I had a very serious talk with him (after he'd been grounded for a week) and he said he just doesn't like to go in the bathroom. What should I do next?
-- Kim
My answer is: Find another therapist. Pronto. I don’t buy the “he’s lazy” diagnosis. I think that’s a cop out when we can’t find a reason for what’s really at the basis of a problem. Oh sure, some kids want to get out of doing work, but not when it comes to an eight year old who doesn’t want to use the bathroom. You’ve punished him, tried all other variations, talked to him, and tried a therapist. (You have ruled out all physical reasons, right? And there is nothing that could be causing stress or an extreme craving for attention, right??)
You then have two alternatives: A therapist who can dig deeper to find out if this is triggered by an emotional cause (early trauma, stress that you may or may not be aware of, severe pressure or frustration of some kind) or a psychologist trained in behavior modification (a consistent approach in reinforcing appropriate behavior with a darn good plan).
Weigh your “mommy instinct” – which of the two is the more likely approach that will work for your child? Then you find the best therapist for that approach. Go to the apa.org website (it will provide a list of trained psychologists in your area), go to the nearest large university with a medical center and ask them for recommendations, ask the school psychologist and/or your pediatrician. Get a list of recommendations, and then see if the same name keeps coming up. That’s bingo! Even then a good therapist has to have a relationship with your child. So you may have to go outside your area. This is not normal behavior. Your relationship with your child, his self-esteem, and certainly his social development are at stake. Get the right help please.
Best of luck to you!
Michele Borba
Got a parenting question for Michele Borba? Ask it here!
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
More from Michele Borba:
Today she answers two questions from readers which relate to yesterday's post.
I have a 10 year-old son that has been claiming all sorts of medical problems. One minute he has a headache, then the next he can't breathe, then the next his heart is beating too fast, then too slow. It's obvious that he's not actually having these issues because he will also be playing and running around at the same time. When he's distracted it doesn't bother him. He seems to worry far too much about being sick. He also has taken to reading the warning labels on everything and asking if it's OK to eat some foods (is the expiration date OK, etc.). One day he even asked me if it was OK to eat his sandwich because the hand soap he just used said "do not ingest" on it. What can I do to make him understand that he doesn't need to worry about such things? Or is this just a phase he's going through?
-- Malissa
No, this is not a phase your child is going through and will not go away by itself. Your son is worrying too much and it is impacting too many other parts of his life. He is not doing this intentionally and his obsessive behavior is something that should be addressed. Please seek the help of an adolescent and child psychologist. There are coping strategies your child can learn now that will help him for the rest of his life. He also should be evaluated to see if something else could be triggering this behavior. He is struggling too much. Hang in there! And do not give up.
All the best to you and your family,
Michele Borba
My son is 8 years old and he still has problems with potty training. If he is engaged in an activity, he will go in his pants rather than stop playing. Even if he is at home, watching tv or playing video games, he will, if he chooses, go in his pants rather than go to the restroom. He has been punished for it in various ways over the last 2 years and I have taken him to see a therapist, who said he is bright and healthy, just lazy. Could that be all there is to it? Last week I had a very serious talk with him (after he'd been grounded for a week) and he said he just doesn't like to go in the bathroom. What should I do next?
-- Kim
My answer is: Find another therapist. Pronto. I don’t buy the “he’s lazy” diagnosis. I think that’s a cop out when we can’t find a reason for what’s really at the basis of a problem. Oh sure, some kids want to get out of doing work, but not when it comes to an eight year old who doesn’t want to use the bathroom. You’ve punished him, tried all other variations, talked to him, and tried a therapist. (You have ruled out all physical reasons, right? And there is nothing that could be causing stress or an extreme craving for attention, right??)
You then have two alternatives: A therapist who can dig deeper to find out if this is triggered by an emotional cause (early trauma, stress that you may or may not be aware of, severe pressure or frustration of some kind) or a psychologist trained in behavior modification (a consistent approach in reinforcing appropriate behavior with a darn good plan).
Weigh your “mommy instinct” – which of the two is the more likely approach that will work for your child? Then you find the best therapist for that approach. Go to the apa.org website (it will provide a list of trained psychologists in your area), go to the nearest large university with a medical center and ask them for recommendations, ask the school psychologist and/or your pediatrician. Get a list of recommendations, and then see if the same name keeps coming up. That’s bingo! Even then a good therapist has to have a relationship with your child. So you may have to go outside your area. This is not normal behavior. Your relationship with your child, his self-esteem, and certainly his social development are at stake. Get the right help please.
Best of luck to you!
Michele Borba
Got a parenting question for Michele Borba? Ask it here!
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
More from Michele Borba:
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