Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com
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Tips for Deprogramming a Materialistic Child
Here are a few of the best parenting secrets to help you succeed.
Just say no! Always giving in to your kid's materialistic desires doesn't do her any favors. Say no to unending whims and consumer demands, even if that provokes tantrums at first. And do so without feeling guilty. Then simply explain your concerns and the reason for your new policy, but, most importantly, do not give in!
Watch those TV commercials! Research shows that the fewer commercials kids see, the less materialistic they become. When kids' TV viewing was cut by one-third; they were 70 percent less likely than their peers to ask parents for a toy the previous week. So hit the mute button on your television remote and talk whenever those commercials are on. Turn your child toward more commercial-free television shows or Tivo his “have-to-see” favorite so he can cut out the commercials all together.
Spend more time than money on your kids. Materialistic kids go on more shopping outings with their parents. So be honest: How many of your outings stress non-material values? Make a conscious effort to spend time together doing things that don't cost a dime: Go to the park and the museum, talk, take bike rides, build forts, bake cookies, watch the clouds, and play Monopoly. Show your kid the “other” side of life.Boost self-esteem. Research at the University of Minnesota shows the more materialistic the kid, the lower their self-esteem. All those clothes and electronics they own actually suppress their self-regard by sending the superficial message: “Your identity is what you have -- not who you are.” But you can turn that belief around by giving well-earned compliments that focus on your kid's inner qualities such as “smart” or “fun.” That research showed that doing so immediately reduced tween-aged kids' materialistic tendencies.
Rotate stuff. Instead of letting your child view his stockpile of matchbox cars, action figures, CDs or whatever, store some away in a closet for a week or month. Your new rule: when stowed items are distributed for play, others are stored in their place. The simple solution of rotating stuff makes bedroom cleanups easier, and helps kids learn they don't need so much to have a good time. Best yet, the returned items are more appreciated and treated like new.
Curb those rewards. “I'll do it if you'll buy me those jeans.” “How much will you give me?” “But I wanted the X-Box!” If you've heard those words from your kid, chances are he's been reward with monetary prizes and material possessions for behaving, working or just plain breathing. And materialistic kids who keep upping the ante want more. From this moment on your new response is to just expect your child to do the job or behave without compensation. Instead, give praise, hugs and pats on the back whenever they are earned.
Stop hoarding. Materialistic kids tend to be pack rats and the more stuff the better. To break your child's hoarding habit, provide three boxes labeled with one of these words: “Trash” (for ripped, torn, or broken items); “Memories” (items with special meaning); and “Charity” (gently used toys, accessories or clothing that other kids may appreciate). Then encourage him to go through his drawers, closets, and shelves. Explain that he should keep what he really needs, uses and wears, and put the rest into the specified box. Make sure that he helps you take the “Charity” box to an organization such as Goodwill or Red Cross to help him realize that not everyone is so fortunate.
Teach “Needs” vs. “Wants.” Materialistic kids often want things “N.O.W.” and don't stop to consider if the item is even necessary. So whenever your kid pleads for some nonessential thing he just “must have”, ask him: “Is it something you really need or just want?” Then outlaw nonessential, “have to have it now” spending.
Teach the habit of “giving” not “getting.” “Hands on” giving helps counter materialism more powerfully than almost anything else. So take your kids with you to bring dinner to a sick neighbor or to volunteer in a soup kitchen. Require your kids to give part of a weekly allowance to needy children. Choose a cause as a family: adopting an orphan through Save the Children; befriending the lonely neighbor. Let your kid feel the power of giving.
Model restraint. Research shows that parents who are materialistic raise the most materialistic kids. You're the best role model for helping your child cope with our complicated material world, so what kind of example are you setting?
So how are you doing? I'd love to hear from you. Leave a comment below.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
Adolescents are excessively egoistic, regarding themselves as the centre of the universe and the sole object of interest, and yet are also capable of so much self-sacrifice and devotion.
I always find it interesting that its the "kid" that needs to be changed or de-programmed! Childrens' is part of their emotional development and this needs to be encouraged rather than discouraged. eg. Rather than saying "no" (which they hear all the time), help them to find gratification through earning and learning about money, and building their self-esteem. Re-direct gratification rather than deny.
Your message is to try and discourage those "instant gratification needs" and yet what you are encouraging is instant parenting! All situations need to be carefully assessed, as each child and home environment is unique.
I am a (psychoanalytically based) child and adolescent development specialist and I believe that all these quick solutions offer little in the way of effective parenting and attachment.
I AGREE WITH THE COMMENT ABOVE ABOUT RE-DIRECTING GRATIFICATION IN THAT WE (AS PARENTS) NEED TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN ABOUT BEING SELF-SUFFICIENT SUCH AS KNOWING HOW TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION TO GET A JOB AND GRADUATING FROM HIGH SCHOOL TO DEVELOP PROPERLY AS A PERSON BECAUSE I BELIEVE THIS WILL HELP OUR CHILDREN TO DEVELOP SELF-ESTEEM AND ALSO SELF-EFFICIENCY IN THE WORLD AS A WHOLE. THESE TEENAGERS TODAY NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO EARN MONEY AND OPEN A CHECKING ACCOUNT AND TO SAVE FOR THEIR FUTURE WHETHER THAT MAY BE SOMETHING THEY WANT OR POSSIBLY NEED FOR THEIR FUTURE CHILD(REN) OR FAMILY LATER ON IN THEIR LIFE(PREPARING FOR THEIR FUTURE).
The sense of entitlement in kids today is astonishing. Love and Logic has some tips to help parents:
1. Hold tight to the belief that kids need to learn how to get what they want through their own personal effort and struggle. After all, finding success after such efforts builds positive self-esteem.
2. Develop skills for setting and enforcing limits and boundaries.
3. Surround themselves with like-thinking friends so that they don't have to listen to the mistaken beliefs of those who are busy creating entitled children.
Check out "Parenting with Love and Logic" at www.loveandlogic.com.
What I find most interesting about this article is the article directly below it in the list of parenting articles on the iVillage page: "Score Style Points for a Designer Diaper Bag." Seriously, one can hardly expect children to behave any differently than those whose behavior they model. How about turning off the TV altogether? Play a board game, put together a puzzle or read a book that doesn't involve a princess (gasp!). Last I checked, the only books that would expose a child to commercialism are the ones that have been made into movies.
You talk about "deprogamming" the child as if it were a robot or as if its mind was a computer. Every child needs to be taught high standards and excellent morals. These can only be instilled by parents who have the same qualities. Therefore concentrate on making sure that you as a parent has the right morals and values to instill into your child. Teach them to love and obey. By teaching your child Christian values and by treating your child as a gift from God will really help the child as it grows older. Teach your child the value of giving to those who have not. Talk about loving your neighbor as yourself and then practice this. Simply going with the child to donate gently used clean clothes and toys to appropriate agencies and by allowing the child to see how these are being put to good use will build up the child's character. Letting the child donate of his/her own money to a worthy cause will also allow him/her to develop a heart for others especially those in need. Maybe he or she can support or help support another child in a third world country. This will also allow the child to develop an appreciation of the needs of others and give them a love for others. Above all teach your children that they are not their own but that we all belong to God.
Dear Michele, praseworthy as your intentions are, i must say something about your GRAMMAR. Actually the whole English speaking world has a big problem with the gender and number indicating pronouns, but using them ever more incorrectly doesn't solve the problems! In the very top line of your Tips you used "her" in reference to "your kid's", whose sex was not indicated in any way. Using the correct word, "him", in that case might rightly be called sexist, but "her" was simply incorrect grammar. Ofcourse "they" (as so many people would say) would also have been wrong, as a singular pronoun was indicated. What this language obviously needs is a family of neuter pronouns. Let's FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY SHALL BE, instead of continuing to force our strictly square language into the very round apretures. Please? R. Stanton
Wow some people can really miss the point and bark their own agenda! Your points are all great. I believe the biggest problem is the materialistic parents setting really bad examples. The designer bags,the spa trips, the highlighted hair, video this, ipod that -resulting in severe credit card debt. Our whole society is focused on making themselves happy by accumulating things. Parents work excessive hours to buy more things. I have a blog in which I try to teach the principle of spending TIME with your daughter to improve your relationship. So many Moms just don't get this concept. Once that selfish kid hits the teen years there is no taming the greedy monster- and Moms are shocked -"Why is my kid like this?"
I am lucky to have a child that is not so materialistic yet. At an age when other kids wanted tech toys and expensive items for gifts, the only thing she asked from me in the past Christmas was jars of pickles....
With her simple request, I ended up buying her a dozen and a few other things. She's a teen ager, I am so lucky to realize that she has everything that she wants.
I stopped watching TV because the shows they produce aren't worth the time spent watching them. They are not worth zero dollars. Only after a few months of not watching TV did I realize how little I crave snack foods, desire new objects, and consider my material wealth in general.
TV isn't always bad. Ads are. They make you do things you wouldn't otherwise do. Think about it: if they didn't have an effect on you, why would companies spend millions in advertising every year?
I'm 24, but it's not a huge logical leap to apply the same hypothesis to a child: fewer advertisements viewed correlates to a decrease in materialism. I agree with the suggestion to TIVO shows or watch them online - if you never watch another commercial again you have succeeded. This isn't a dramatic parenting practice, it's just common sense. And it's something that can have an impact far beyone the (quite little) effort required for implementation.