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How To Stop Your Child From Whining
Whining - that pitiful, loud, grating sound - is one of the most irritating of kid behaviors. The pitch is an exasperating blend of crying and nagging that’s annoying as nails on a chalkboard. If that’s not enough, whiners have this amazing ability of stretching syllables so they almost slap you back in your face: “Pleeeeeeease” or “Daaaaad!”
Rest assured, all kids whine occasionally, but the surest way to turn this grating attention-getter into a full-fledged habit is to give in, and let your little nagger “win.” Take heed: once you back down and surrender, kids usually continue using the technique as a way to get what they want. Worse yet, if not stopped, whining often escalates to back talk, arguing, and tantrums. So the bottom line is: don’t let your kid think it works.
Watch the segment from TODAY
Here are the four steps to stop your little whiner...
Rest assured, all kids whine occasionally, but the surest way to turn this grating attention-getter into a full-fledged habit is to give in, and let your little nagger “win.” Take heed: once you back down and surrender, kids usually continue using the technique as a way to get what they want. Worse yet, if not stopped, whining often escalates to back talk, arguing, and tantrums. So the bottom line is: don’t let your kid think it works.
FOUR STEPS TO SQUELCH WHINING
Step 1. Establish a Zero Tolerance for Whining
The best way to stop the behavior is to flat-out refuse to listen to nagging requests unless it’s spoken with a polite tone. At the first whimper of a whine, firmly say: “Stop! I don’t listen to whining voices. Tell me what you want with a nice tone.” Then walk away or turn around and ignore your kid. Turn back when the whining stops (even for a few seconds) and say: “I do listen to a nice voice. Can I help you now?” The trick is to not to look irritated or to react. Hmmm. Easier said than done, right?
Step 2. Demonstrate Appropriate Voice Tone
Next, show your child what a more acceptable voice sounds like. Please don’t assume he knows the correct way to get your attention. Whining may have become such a habit that he simply isn’t aware of his annoying tone. Take a moment to ensure your child knows what kind of a voice you expect. For example: “Here’s my whining voice: ‘I don’t wanna do this.’ Here’s my polite one: ‘Can you please help me?’ When you want something, make your voice sound like my polite voice. Now you try.” Be careful not to mimic your child: your goal is to be instructional so he understands your expectations without ridiculing.
Step 3. Lay Down Your Rules
Announce that from now on he should expect an automatic “no” any time he whines. Then just flatly refuse to listen to even the first note of a whine uttered from your kid’s lips. Usually whining stops when kids realize it’s getting them nowhere, so your child has to realize that your rule is non-negotiable.
Step 4. Set a Consequence If Whining Continues.
You may be wondering: “What happens if my kid still whines?” The answer is simple: you must set an immediate consequence so your kid knows you won’t tolerate it. And it’s the same for back talk, hitting, spitting, or arguing. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can wait until you’re home to correct your kid’s misbehavior. Wherever the whining occurs is where the consequence must be administered. That may mean the huge inconvenience of changing plans when your kid starts up his whining routine during a shopping outing. But if you really want to end the behavior, you’ll calmly say on the spot: “That’s whining, and you know the rule. We’re leaving now.” Consequences stop bad behaviors, only if they’re used every time the behavior occurs. Take heed: if you don’t follow through, the whining usually increases. That’s because your child has learned you just might give in.
By the way, if you’re on the road, the best consequence is to use the brakes. Just pull over to the side (when safe) and don’t move. Bring a supply of water and a good book, but pretty soon your kids will know you are serious. Also, please remember to praise your kid when he uses the right voice tone. Breaking a habit takes time, so always encourage his good efforts. Above all: don’t give in.
I’d love to hear your ideas! What’s the most creative way you’ve stopped your little whiner? Some moms swear that recording their kid secretly then playing it back so he can “hear” the tone, does the trick. What works for you?
If you have individual questions about your child, please post them. Though I can’t get to them all, I will try to answer as many as I can.
Best to you and your family!
Michele Borba
More from Michele Borba:
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Step 1. Establish a Zero Tolerance for Whining
The best way to stop the behavior is to flat-out refuse to listen to nagging requests unless it’s spoken with a polite tone. At the first whimper of a whine, firmly say: “Stop! I don’t listen to whining voices. Tell me what you want with a nice tone.” Then walk away or turn around and ignore your kid. Turn back when the whining stops (even for a few seconds) and say: “I do listen to a nice voice. Can I help you now?” The trick is to not to look irritated or to react. Hmmm. Easier said than done, right?
Step 2. Demonstrate Appropriate Voice Tone
Next, show your child what a more acceptable voice sounds like. Please don’t assume he knows the correct way to get your attention. Whining may have become such a habit that he simply isn’t aware of his annoying tone. Take a moment to ensure your child knows what kind of a voice you expect. For example: “Here’s my whining voice: ‘I don’t wanna do this.’ Here’s my polite one: ‘Can you please help me?’ When you want something, make your voice sound like my polite voice. Now you try.” Be careful not to mimic your child: your goal is to be instructional so he understands your expectations without ridiculing.
Step 3. Lay Down Your Rules
Announce that from now on he should expect an automatic “no” any time he whines. Then just flatly refuse to listen to even the first note of a whine uttered from your kid’s lips. Usually whining stops when kids realize it’s getting them nowhere, so your child has to realize that your rule is non-negotiable.
Step 4. Set a Consequence If Whining Continues.
You may be wondering: “What happens if my kid still whines?” The answer is simple: you must set an immediate consequence so your kid knows you won’t tolerate it. And it’s the same for back talk, hitting, spitting, or arguing. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can wait until you’re home to correct your kid’s misbehavior. Wherever the whining occurs is where the consequence must be administered. That may mean the huge inconvenience of changing plans when your kid starts up his whining routine during a shopping outing. But if you really want to end the behavior, you’ll calmly say on the spot: “That’s whining, and you know the rule. We’re leaving now.” Consequences stop bad behaviors, only if they’re used every time the behavior occurs. Take heed: if you don’t follow through, the whining usually increases. That’s because your child has learned you just might give in.
By the way, if you’re on the road, the best consequence is to use the brakes. Just pull over to the side (when safe) and don’t move. Bring a supply of water and a good book, but pretty soon your kids will know you are serious. Also, please remember to praise your kid when he uses the right voice tone. Breaking a habit takes time, so always encourage his good efforts. Above all: don’t give in.
I’d love to hear your ideas! What’s the most creative way you’ve stopped your little whiner? Some moms swear that recording their kid secretly then playing it back so he can “hear” the tone, does the trick. What works for you?
If you have individual questions about your child, please post them. Though I can’t get to them all, I will try to answer as many as I can.
Best to you and your family!
Michele Borba
More from Michele Borba:
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Ok. I did everything wrong and my daughter did go through all the stages Michele mentioned on the Today show. And she was right of course, it did escalate and get worse. So, now she's 14, what do I do to try to right this wrong? She is not completely out of control, she is smart, gets good grades, mannerly, and mature for her age. Bottomline though, she does talk back, can be defiant, and doesn't regard me as a authority figure. Obiviously, I know why now, but how do I fix this? Thank you for any help you can give me.
I am divorced with 3 kids ages 3, 5, 7. I have been dating a man for about 8 months and we live together. He gives me a hard time, saying that I don't know how to take care of my kids every time they act up even the slightest bit. I do timeouts, I have a "tally" system to reward their good behavior and help control their naughty behavior and try to do everything I can to raise my kids right. However, he is constantly telling me that I don't make my timeouts long enough (I go by their age- 3 min for the 3 year old, etc.) and that I'm too lenient with their discipline. He tells me that I need to take parenting classes even though he's never been around children before mine. Am I really too lenient? Should I be doing more? Or is there a way for me to show him that I'm doing it the best I can and he's the one that needs to get more experience, without causing a fight between us? For the record, I get compliments about my kids from everyone else, people always compliment me about how well they behave.
I was looking for advice on how to stop tantrums & bad behavior. This article is on whining which will be helpful in the future but right now my son is learning to talk.
What happened to the tantrum, bad behavior advice?
Just on instinct I have used the techinique of asking the kids that I baby-sit/nanny for to use a "regular voice" to ask for something rather than a "whiny voice". Every one of them has come around on the first try. Even the two and a half year old when she was not feeling well. I explained to them that I can't understand what they are saying when they use the wrong voice so they need to help me understand by using a regular voice.
Does this techinque work on toddlers? Under two years old?
Krista,
I'd say that you have a good idea on how to deal with good/bad behavior.. and that I'll have to try it with my son! I'd also say that your boyfriend doesn't really know what he's talking about! If it works for you, that's great! Not every mom/parent uses the same system... keep your head up, your kids will turn out fine!!
Erin
Krista, run as fast as you can! A lot of times the "stepdad" is simply jealous that you love your children more than him. It doesn't get any better. I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and he is still jealous. My son is a really good child, the worst problem we have is having to tell him to do something more than once. At 15, I think that is normal. I've tried over the years to appease him, but I finally told him to leave. He hates my son, and that is not acceptable to me. My children will always be first in my life. Yes, I was a good wife to him and I never tried to make a difference between the two of them. However, some men never grow up.
Yeah I hate to say it but Jenny is right. Unfortunately a lot of people with children end up with someone who wants to be first when they can never be. Especially people who have no kids and have no experience with kids, it will only get worse over time, when they are big enough to stand up for themselves there will be real trouble. Just put your foot down and let your man know your kids are just that your kids and if he can't deal hit the road Jack! It sounds like you are doing a fine job and will do a fine job with or with out this guy. Also keep in mind that if you have any kids with this guy chances are very good you will see favoring. Been there done this kicked the dude to the curb and found someone who is a stand up guy and loves my boy as much as I do. We have other kids now and they are all treated the with the same love and respect. The don't even acknowledge the biological difference. My oldest just thinks of my husband as dad like everyone else.
Krista,
It sounds like you are doing an excellent job with your children, and that you care about them deeply. And that this man is using your love and care to belittle you. Jenny is 100% right. Kick him to the curb.
To Toni:
I doubt I can help you, but: Something I like to keep in mind is that defiance and talking back are not always bad things. I'll admit though that my experience with teenagers is pretty much limited to my niece and her many friends. (In fact I don't claim to be an expert at all, most of my experience with children is from being a babysitter/nanny for 8 years. From age 13 to 21. Now that I'm a programmer, I kinda miss it actually.)
When someone argues with you, they often aren't terribly concerned with keeping up appearances, so-to-speak. Sometimes you'll get lucky and the other party will just blurt out something that's bothering them. For example: my runaway niece unintentionally told me she wasn't listening to her mother because she felt her mother did not trust her*. More often it'll only provide clues. The clues could say any number of things and it's up to you to figure them out of course, few things in life are easy. Sometimes those clues will tell you "It's time to bring down the disciplinary hammer to correct this!"
Also, now might be a good time to point out that I think almost all teenagers are like that. No matter what style of parenting you use, there is no possible way to make a person not butt heads with you at least once in a while. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I'd be worried if the children who are/were under my care didn't argue with me at least a little. Especially considering the fact that I'm sometimes the one who is in the wrong... however long it might take me to admit it.
*Footnote: Well, she didn't quite say it like that, but it was obvious from what she had said.