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Q&A: 5 Tips to Help a Shy Child
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
Hi - I have a 4-year-old who is very shy in new situations. He is great at home or in places he knows, but around new kids, people, and situations he shuts down for quite a while. We try to encourage him and tell him we know it can be a little intimidating, and that may or may not help. What can I do to help him? Thank you!
--Lindsey
Thank you for your question. Here are a few tips from my book Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, to help your shy kid gain confidence in social settings. I have one of these critters myself so I know where you’re coming from. Hope these help.
All the best!
Michele Borba
Have a parenting question for Michele Borba? Leave a comment below and your question may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.
Hi - I have a 4-year-old who is very shy in new situations. He is great at home or in places he knows, but around new kids, people, and situations he shuts down for quite a while. We try to encourage him and tell him we know it can be a little intimidating, and that may or may not help. What can I do to help him? Thank you! --Lindsey
Thank you for your question. Here are a few tips from my book Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, to help your shy kid gain confidence in social settings. I have one of these critters myself so I know where you’re coming from. Hope these help.- Give warm up time. Shyer kids need more time to warm up. They usually hang back at first and “watch” so let him. He’s soaking up the information and gaining confidence. Don’t push. Big mistake. Instead show him the “first thing he can do.” (Like go to the puzzle, find the swing, walk to one friend). And don’t (please don’t) label your child shy. Studies at Stanford University found that though shyness is usually the temperament our kids are born with, LABELING them shy can become self-fulfilling. (One of my kids was shy and whenever someone used the term in front of him I switched it. “No, he’s very cognitive.” Everyone begin to think he was in the genius category – but it saved his self-esteem
- Encourage eye contact. A simple but important skill to teach a shy child is eye contact. First, because it will make your child appear more confident (shyer kids generally hang their heads down and look timid—because they are) and second, because it’s a skill that well-liked kids use. It will help your child gain social confidence. As you’re talking with your child teach one rule, “Always look at the color of the talker’s eyes.” By consciously reinforcing the skill and modeling it regularly, your child will soon be using eye contact. Tip: If your kid is uncomfortable about using eye contact, tell him to look at the bridge of the speaker’s nose. With a few practices, she usually no longer needs the technique, and will look more confidently into the speaker’s eyes.
- Rehearse social situations. Prepare your kid for an upcoming social event by describing the setting, expectations, and the attendees. Shy kids are more anxious. Their little hearts are beating and the fear factor is high. Then help him practice the FIRST thing he can do when he goes into the birthday party (give the present to the mom; say hi to the birthday boy) etc. Later you can add how to meet others, table manners, basic conversational skills, and even how to say good-bye gracefully. Just remember kids learn new skills best by SHOWING not TELLING. So role play over and over and over the skill.
- Practice skills with younger peers. Try pairing your child with a younger child for brief play periods (a younger cousin, neighbor, or one of your friend’s younger kids). It will help your child feel more comfortable and practice new skills that can be intimidating with more “mature” kids.
- Arrange one-on-one play opportunities to build social confidence. This is a time when your kid invites only one child over for a couple of private play hours to get to know one another and practice friendship-making skills. Siblings should not be included and television viewing should not be a play option.
All the best!
Michele Borba
Have a parenting question for Michele Borba? Leave a comment below and your question may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.
my grandson is 9 years old and having problems at school he is in a behavior class and has frequent outbursts of anger. he yells,swears,throws things etc. this behavior is totally different from his behavior at home. we have tried medication, counselling,modifying his routine at school and home and nothing seems to work. mom and dad are separated and he has had a rough life but no worse than a lot of kids. do you have any ideas of wht we can try.
My son Michael is now 21 years old, but when he was very young he was extremely shy about looking people in the face unless he knew them well. I told him that when someone spoke to him or asked him a question he needed to look them in the face, or else it seems very rude. Our rule was that Michael better be able to tell me what color eyes the person has that spoke to him. He thought it was so goofy, but it worked wonders.
My 6 year old son has been saying he hates me. He also pushed and hit me. He does this when we have to leave his friend's house. I always give him a 5 minute warning before we leave to help with the transition. He is also misbehaving at school, camp when I'm not there, and piano lessons. He called someone fat at camp, his piano teacher won't let him participate in the receital because he was slacking off at his lesson. He threw a fit at his lesson after she said he couldn't attend and then proceeded to tell me he hates me. The teacher was getting him to rehearse what he will say before he plays his piano piece. I feel that he may have been nervous and this is why he acted out. It was to be his first receital. His sister also takes lessons from the same teacher. Any help will be very appreciated.