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The secret to raising honest kids
Let’s be perfectly honest: nearly all kids--from tots to teens--stretch the truth and for all sorts of reasons:
Rather disturbing trends about the state of our children’s honesty quotient wouldn’t you say? But here’s the real irony: the most accepted theory how kids develop the lying habit is from copying us. There’s one bit of good news: It seems parents still play the most significant role in whether their kids turn out honest (that is, as long as you stick to a few premises that research shows are crucial in raising honest kids).
Here are four of the key parenting secrets to raising honest kids:
- avoid punishment
- make themselves look or feel better
- get out of a task, keep their friend out of trouble
Rather disturbing trends about the state of our children’s honesty quotient wouldn’t you say? But here’s the real irony: the most accepted theory how kids develop the lying habit is from copying us. There’s one bit of good news: It seems parents still play the most significant role in whether their kids turn out honest (that is, as long as you stick to a few premises that research shows are crucial in raising honest kids).
Here are four of the key parenting secrets to raising honest kids:
1. Expect honesty. Repeatedly spell out your expectations for honesty: “Everyone in our family is always expected to be honest with one another.” Once you lay down your honesty expectations, ask your child to promise to tell you the truth (and vice versa).
2. Make it easy for your kid to open up. While you should expect honesty from your kid he also needs to feel safe enough to come to you and admit his mistakes. A “too harsh” approach creates fear and he may decide that lying is a better alternative than admitting with the truth; a “too lenient” approach can make lying become a habit he gets away with.
3. Model honesty. One way our kids learn new habits is by modeling our example. So how are you doing? Do you ever:
4. Reinforce honesty. Give your kid credit for owning up to his mistakes and having the courage to admit a lie. Behaviors that are reinforced are more likely to be repeated, and repeated behaviors are more likely to become new habits. Praise your child’s honesty.
Whenever your child lies, sit him down ASAP and use it as an opportunity to teach honesty: “I expect you to tell me only the truth and I will do the same so we can always believe each other.” The trick is to find the right balance in your response so your child knows lying is wrong but will still come to you with the truth.
More from Michele:
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
2. Make it easy for your kid to open up. While you should expect honesty from your kid he also needs to feel safe enough to come to you and admit his mistakes. A “too harsh” approach creates fear and he may decide that lying is a better alternative than admitting with the truth; a “too lenient” approach can make lying become a habit he gets away with.
3. Model honesty. One way our kids learn new habits is by modeling our example. So how are you doing? Do you ever:
- Ask your kid to tell the caller you’re not home? LIE!
- Keep the change if you’re given too much? LIE!
- Tell the cashier that your kid is younger to get a break off that ticket price? LIE!
4. Reinforce honesty. Give your kid credit for owning up to his mistakes and having the courage to admit a lie. Behaviors that are reinforced are more likely to be repeated, and repeated behaviors are more likely to become new habits. Praise your child’s honesty.
Whenever your child lies, sit him down ASAP and use it as an opportunity to teach honesty: “I expect you to tell me only the truth and I will do the same so we can always believe each other.” The trick is to find the right balance in your response so your child knows lying is wrong but will still come to you with the truth.
More from Michele:
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
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We told our children the truth and tried to teach them to always tell the truth. We were careful not to tell them we were going to do something and then not do it. If we said it we did it. It worked until they got older. As they got to be teens peer pressure was a lot stronger than what the parents said. They had there hip pocket lawyers, counselers, advisor, ect. And the sad thing about it we knew they were lying and they knew they were lying but they would swear they were telling the truth. Now both kids are in their twentys they still lie and we can still tell they are lying. Both have newborns babies so we will see what happens with the next generation.
Hello again Michele- I have always preached honesty. Without persecution, I used third party scenarios showing my distaste
for those who lie, and liars in general. All this worked up till peer parties in high school, breeding lying as one student tells yet another student how they got themselves out of certain messes, by not admitting or by lying. So, I now employ delayed response, question and answer sessions. Asking today for the story, then waiting two weeks and asking questions about the story later, but without my teenager knowing the true purpose.(liars I have found cannot remember what they told and to whom) Problem is,teenagers are DNA replicas of us and get smarter and more clever themselves at deception. I feel that all I have ultimately accomplished is a teenager whose become more acutely aware of the tricks I employ at trying to catch the lie. The result? She now speaks and says less than before, and doesn't readily, voluntarily open up about much of anything any more. I felt that I created more the introverted person from the extremely wide open enthusiastic child she once was in all those early years of child upbringing. This is not what I was trying to achieve at all! I merely wanted to continue to convey the importance of being earnest in 'any' situation between myself (parent) and her especially.I now feel the reverse psychology tactic reversed itself in the wrong direction! Question: How do I get things turned around? Back the way she always was, very open and enthusiastic? Where did I go wrong if so, and what needs to transpire to eliminate the feeling she is always under scrutiny for honesty?(i think this is how she now feels, although I could be wrong) Mr Mom 08'