One thing I try is when they ask something of me I try to imitate them by ignoring their first attempts to talk to me like I wasn't tuned into them or roll the eyes and turn away. It shows them how I feel when they do it to me. And yes even if you do it 1-2 minutes reaction later it still becomes a parody of their play acting and you know they programmed themselves to do once you try it yourself.
If all fails and they fail to work with you send them to their rooms no phone, no tv, no computer, and lastly no dinner. That will get their attention. The others are just normal punishments but food brings about a change instantly. But we all have to go to work and earn money for food then buy it what did they do to earn it???

Children don't "earn" food, it's one of the three fundamental responsibilities of parenthood (food, shelter and clothing), withholding food is cruel. Try a different approach.

I agree with Kristen. We have 2 teenage boys at home. It's not easy, but we have a pretty good relationship. You can be clear and get their attention and results without extreme measures. You can't not feed them. Do you like being hungry?

I have two teenage sons and the older one is pretty touchy lately. We are very clear about our rules and expectations, allow him plenty of time to express his opinions and feelings, stand ground on the important things and negotiate things we are willing to compromise on. 90% of the time things are fine...its those other moments that get you!

I raised 5 girls when No meant No. There was no extended dialogue, very few arguements and explanations were based on the fact that I loved them, would be devistated if anything happened to them and had accepted the responsibility to raise them, when I had them. They all have good marriages, are employed tax payers, parents of good kids and believe in being responsible for their actions. I can't ask for more. They live close to us and their siblings, we talk almost daily visit usually weekly and I am even crazy about my sons-in-law. Can't get any better than that.

I have a 15 year old son who just turned into Damien from the omen. I am ready to move out and give him the house - I'm a single working mother who can't always be there to enforce punishments. I don not have any support system. I am to the point I feel like a prisoner in my own house - other than putting him out - which I don't want to do, I need other options!

never give up on your teenager, just ease up....

The teen package from Love and Logic has been a lifesaver! It comes with the book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" and a great cd called "Hormones and Wheels." Every parent with a teen should check it out!

I'd like to know why parents are so aprehensive about disciplining their teenagers? It's like everytime some parents hear another is pusnishing (NOT abusing) their teen, it's 'oh thats too harsh', or 'ease up'...In my opinion, this is why there's such a lack of respect for parents these days!

to Tanya - you need some male role model in his life - a Coach at school an assistant principle a youth minister someone - this is the age a boy learns to be a man and he needs to know how to treat you with respect and that being a single mom is hard enough you chould never feel scared of your son - please reach out to someone in your community.

I have a 13 yr old boy who is also like Damien at times. I do my best with him. When he is defiant his father and I talk to him as best we can.
when his dad works most times he acts crabby. I work to improve if we get out of control. I use the down time of 10 seconds to calm down. It usually works when done properly. Just a sug. Another thing to really forge on is when your child is going through the changes and like say, talk about their voice changes, agree with them. Kids like to hear others do the same sometimes. He heard my scratchy which made him laugh taking away his stress.

To the woman Tonya, try a Big Brother Program in your area. Usually these programs get someone to be the role model you are looking for by taking them places and working with them on social skills they need at such a vulgnerable age. Trust me, it works because they then begin to appreciate you.

I have a 13 yr old boy who is also like Damien at times. I do my best with him. When he is defiant his father and I talk to him as best we can.
when his dad works most times he acts crabby. I work to improve if we get out of control. I use the down time of 10 seconds to calm down. It usually works when done properly. Just a sug. Another thing to really forge on is when your child is going through the changes and like say, talk about their voice changes, agree with them. Kids like to hear others do the same sometimes. He heard my scratchy which made him laugh taking away his stress.

To the woman Tonya, try a Big Brother Program in your area. Usually these programs get someone to be the role model you are looking for by taking them places and working with them on social skills they need at such a vulgnerable age. Trust me, it works because they then begin to appreciate you.

Firstly, I'm only 20 but I know a few things about right and wrong. I'm sorry Denise but falling to your child's level is immature. My mother did that to me and I lost a bit of respect for her. And you can't not feed your child. That's abuse.

My teen years aren't that far behind me so I guess I can leave a little insight to what goes on in OUR heads these days. Teens are faced with so many different options (diet, religion, etc.) these days. When they want to explore new ideas, ACCEPT it. Unless it is harmful to them like drugs, reckless partying, and such. The best thing is just leave them alone. When they are pissed after school... let them be a hermit in their room until they are ready to come out and have "family social time" or whatever you want to call it. If you force them they'll get even more angry. Just make sure that you let them know you are there for them and you are willing to listen. Force really doesn't do much. It just makes them want to defy you even more.

Not feeding them is not a good choice. However, you CAN stop cooking for them if they are the right age. I recently hit my limit w/3 teenagers after I spent 1hr cooking, they ate, than left w/out cleaning up for the 3rd time (all had so called "good" excuses). Stop doing "extra" for them until they appreciate it; keep the punishment with the crime. Now it's entertaining watching them search the kitchen for something they don't have to cook. And it's been a wonderful break for me. BTW, NO still means NO in my house, but they have become excellent negotiators.

What do you do when they are 19 and 21 and defy you and won't hold a job? And please don't say kick them out...my husband is not ready for that yet. They are my step-children and I am not prepared to be the reason that they had to go. But I am looking for some good consequences or approaches to getting them to understand that we have standards and they must be met.

Hi! Your web site is helpful. Many thanks. Best regards!

I've read many comments here about teenage boys, what about teenage girls?? I think they are the worst. Mine is soon to be 15 and I've had nothing but trouble with her attitude and just following simple rules. Not to mention trust is another issue with her. I'm at my witts end. I've tried going to a child's phsycologist and she fights still on everything. She says i'm ruining her teenage life because i don't allow her to do things like her friends do. I don't know what else to do.

I have a teen who has been changing for the past month or so now and I have been getting all types of new found information about her through finding out certain things about her on my own so far. I just learned that she is cutting classes, having sex and drinking from what I over heard and I am very worried about her well being. I have tried talking to her with no success. How can I get her to talk to me. I have taken away most of her priviledges to include her time on the computer. She does have a myspace page which I have also revoked her from using. I will also be checking in with her school daily all day to make sure she is in class. Any suggestions.

Mbg, you have to be diplomatic. Stop this idea that you applay at the moment. Let her do things and talk to her normal. Allow her the computer and her Myspace site, she is normal and needs normal responses. She is not abnormal or a criminal. You should read a book about teenagers. And don't talk to her like a bad person. Stop doing this. Let her do the things she is doing, first of all. Then come diplomatic and arrange some rules.

Mbg, you have to be diplomatic. Stop this idea that you applay at the moment. Let her do things and talk to her normal. Allow her the computer and her Myspace site, she is normal and needs normal responses. She is not abnormal or a criminal. You should read a book about teenagers. And don't talk to her like a bad person. Stop doing this. Let her do the things she is doing, first of all. Then come diplomatic and arrange some rules.

Mbg, you have to be diplomatic. Stop this idea that you applay at the moment. Let her do things and talk to her normal. Allow her the computer and her Myspace site, she is normal and needs normal responses. She is not abnormal or a criminal. You should read a book about teenagers. And don't talk to her like a bad person. Stop doing this. Let her do the things she is doing, first of all. Then come diplomatic and arrange some rules.

Sometimes I wonder if my 12 yr. old daughter will see 13. I think sometimes that someone/something else has taken over her body. I do loose my temper alot and yell b/c I just don't know what to do when she argues back and then mouths off,then walks away saying things under her breath. We have had alot of "coming to Jesus meetings" at our house...HELP..I'm feel like I'm a terrible mother b/c I seem to loose my temper quicker with her than I do my 10 yr old son. All I hear from her is "you don't understand and you treat me like a kid"

It's clear most AGREE that Teens DO need 2 learn the value of "Earning" in life and the appreciation 4 "non" material things. Just basic life lessons, but, what I want 2 know is if anyone has any NEW tips, tools or tortures 2 share? Here is mine; U got 2 laugh if off,2 keep from crying!

I have a 16yr old daughter who's a good kid, but likes 2 live in "la la land" and doesn't "forget", she just doesn't CARE. I use the "mirror" routine on her and it works 3 of 5 times! I pick & choose only 2 fight important causes and empowerment DOES go a long way towards building their decision making skills. Peace out..!

This article contains a lot of good tips for dealing with what people are asking about in these comments!

One tip I would recommend is that there are only winners involved. You are the adult, the parent, you've alread won the gift of a child, and most of the time it is the best gift ever.

Let children believe they have "won" sometimes as they practice their (eventually to be abandoned as socially unacceptable) immature and emotionally blackmailing negotiations, and you can deviously manipulate them into doing what is best for them as you see that. Remember that our goal is mainly to keep them safe while we do our best to help them most comfortably pass through another confusing and scary time in their lives.

It is another very "sacrificial" time in parents' lives, to be more "there" for the higher need levels of teens. It's not any child's job to make life easy for me, it's my job to make it easy for them to learn about and survive life, before adulthood. Nothing and no one is perfect no how. Say Love.

I know one thing that doesn't work, and that's yelling.

My son (16) responds to (and how logical is this) talking. I used to think that after the first 4 times I asked him to do something the only way to get his attention was to holler, now I know better. It took some time, but we have made huge progress. And it seems the lower my voice gets, the more he responds. He, like most men, likes things simple and drama-free...so the less I react, the better.

A very nice article, really, but still I must admit that even when we try to use all the presented experience, follow the given examples and tips, still sometimes it doesn't work. I can't understand why my daughter does the same foolish mistakes after the hours and hours of talk, and we really have a very good relations, we can sit and discuss a lot of things, and I see she likes it. She is 17 and I want her to be happy just as every mother wants, but sometimes I find it difficult to make her understand what is good and what is bad.

I too am a single mother of a 14 year old daughter. I have always believed in communication with your child. I am a disciplinarian to a certain degree and when needed. I think we all need to reflect upon what we were liked as teenagers, what our parents were like and take the good things that we did as well as our parents did and incorporate those into our parenting skills. When we do this we are becoming better parents and better citizens for our children. I had a very nice childhood other than being physically and mentally abused by my mother. I take what she did to me and NOT repeat it with my daughter, hence the communication part. I will not say that I have never hit my daughter because I have and I am very old school. She told me to shut up once and I smacked her across the face for it, she never told me to shut up again! I also think that we as parents jsut need to listen more and not talk so much. When you listen and not talk so much you learn so much more about where they are, what they are doin

Anna,
Kids will be kids and they have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. It is very hard to understand why she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again; however, she will probably keep doing the mistakes until she hits "the brickwall" per se. Have you tried sitting down with her and asking her why she keeps making the same mistakes? Have you sat down and you each write down mistakes in life and what you all could of done to not repeat them? I am a special education teacher, plus working on my PhD in Psychology (Education). I taught inner city kids, gang bangers, and even taught in a juvenile correctional facility. Kids are kids no matter where they come from. Simply by talking to them and listening you can learn so much more as to where they are coming from and their needs. My only advice to you would be "A child has to learn to crawl first before walking" and "when walking they have to fall inorder to walk", try letting your daughter fall first instead of walking fist." She will learn.

It was refreshing to read other ladies issues, I don't feel alone today, thankkyou, your shared advice was great.

It was refreshing to read other ladies issues, I don't feel alone today, thankkyou, your shared advice was great.

knowledge is power, for you & your kids. Get an understanding of what is going on in their bodies & brains, empower them. the last part of the brain to fully develope is the frontal lobe, & not until they are late teens/ early 20's, this area is responsible for making decisions, weighing risks & consequences. When w/ peers they are more likeley to make bad decisions! help your teen understand how they are developing, and of the pitfalls ahead. Be ready to listen w/out loosing it, let them know you are there for them & want whats best for them, what you are willing to negotiate & what you will not negotiate! Try new ways to comunicate, we use e-mails, great when we are too upset to talk w/out arguing! each has time to think and to "hear" each others points. If you can't talk get them someone they can talk w/ who you trust. They need guidence & info, not judged or put down. Try to stay connected w/ what is going on in thier lives, you have allot less time & input in thier lives, yet they need you more than ever!

I have a 14 year old daughter and she's great. She gives me an attitude sometimes but apologizes later! The most important thing is TALKING. Make an appointment, camp out by their door, whatever it takes, but make sure you check in at least every other day. Even it's for 5 minutes and all you get is one syllable answers. Even if THEY don't want to talk, it's important that they know YOU do. And if they ask you about your past escapades when you were a teenager, don't lie. They need to know you were human once, and how you learned (if even a little) from your mistakes. Confidentiality is another issue: If they tell you something "secret" about a friend, you are absolutely sworn to secrecy, with very few exceptions i.e. the friend is doing something harmful to themselves or others.

I feel for all the moms here. In my heart I beleive children will turn out the way you raised them, but when you are in the middle of these "episodes" it is hard to wait for that time. I have a protesting 19 year old daughter to whom we have set down rules and consequences on important issues. Knowing these are non negotiable she has recently hosted an underage drinking party in our home when we were on vacation, gotten body piercing and has taken to pretty vulgar language and clothing to match. This is a girl who graduated near the top of her high school class, was active in church and National Honor Society. Over Christmas we followed through with the set out consequences and are no longer funding her car or cell phone. We have always emailed daily while she was in college. After an angry tirade 10 days ago, she has not spoken to me or answered calls.

Just because they are legally adults does not mean your worries end.I think we have to hang in there, support each other and pray!

Dear Kathy,
I feel for you! I'm in the same situation. My daughter tried to rebel around 13 years of age. After a few consequences she started to fly right. She worked hard in school, had a part time job, and the two of us talked regularly and I tried to do things for her that were special and only for her. At 17 my husband passed away.(Her step-father, but they were very close.) About two weeks after she turned 18 I found a bottle of booze in her car. I told her the car was going to be taken away for 1 month, and we would schedule a time for a serious talk. (Both of us busy-me with 2 jobs-her with school & work- and I would provide her with transportation to get to her job.)Well, she exploded. And I mean E-X-P-L-O-D-E-D !!!! She ran away, but did manage to graduate from high school a month latter. No matter what, she has still not come around to being able to just be polite. She even took out her anger on her siblings and now they are scared of her. As a mom I'm devastated and don't know what to do.And I've trie

I've heard people say that I must have been really rotten to have my daughter react so drastically. But I've also talked to MANY moms and dads who have similar circumstances.Children turned adults who seem to be suddenly out of control. I remember my daughter saying, "I'm 18 now, and there's nothing you can do!" The only explanation I can find is exactly what she said to me,"Now-there's nothing we can do. She's on her own to do what she pleases.The only thing I can tell her is, "When you are ready to come back,I'll be here." But I will not allow anyone to abuse any one else in this family.I can't live with that.Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach that I could have raised a child who would turn so mean,and that there is a possibility that it will be years before I will have her in my life again.Counseling, family intervention,sending gifts on her birthday and Christmas,leaving messages-nothing works so far.If you can think of something else, I'd be glad to hear it.

Sugar Bear

Have you ever tried reverse psycology? Maybe if you ignore her for a while, she will turn back to you??? It works great with my kids.

God Bless

I'd just like to point out that Denise probably wasn't suggesting that people starve their children. Honestly, sending the kids to bed without ONE meal isn't really going to hurt them, but it is uncomfortable and it does make them realize two things: one, that they depend on their parent(s) for their necessities and therefore owe them a certain degree of respect, and two, that their parent(s) is serious about the issue. And I just think that many teenagers are rebellious because it's regarded as culturally normal. I'm a college freshman and I remember from high school that you're a freak of nature if you don't whine about how oppressive and myopic and generally worthless your parents are. Rebellion is like having the right pair of jeans or a cell phone. Plus, I think a lot of parents tolerate it, especially from older kids, because after all, they are ALMOST adults, but obviously, kids aren't really adults, especially if they're still living at home and their parents are feeding and taking care of them. I think talking is important, but I think that sometimes parents need to forget the whole affirmation and empowerment and negotiation thing and be mean, nasty discliplinarians.

It's so nice to see that there are so many others with similar situations. I am a single mom with a 15 yr old daughter. She sees her father twice a month and he is more "the cool friend" than a father. He still lives with his mom for crying out loud. My daughter has been smoking and lies all the time. She creates these stories rather than just tell any kind of truth. Grades are dispicable and she is interested only in music, boys and any "peer drama" she can get herself into or create. She was not always like this. When she turned 13, she decided that she was "who she wanted to be" whether or not that fit my standards or God's standards. I am in her face constantly because if I'm not, there is no telling what she is going to get away with. I just about catch every lie, every smell of smoke on her and anything she is or is not doing at school. I am in constant contact with teachers, counselor, etc. She is on anti-depressants. She is so afraid of not being accepted that she flocks to the "fad or group of the day" when they show her any kind of acceptance. She is so smart but chooses to act dumb. No one can get through to her except her peers. Her usual reaction when we have our talks about the concerns I have is, "I'm a teenager. We are all doing these things right now. You are not alone." Does any of this sound remotely familiar to anyone out there?

It's so nice to see that there are so many others with similar situations. I am a single mom with a 15 yr old daughter. She sees her father twice a month and he is more "the cool friend" than a father. He still lives with his mom for crying out loud. My daughter has been smoking and lies all the time. She creates these stories rather than just tell any kind of truth. Grades are dispicable and she is interested only in music, boys and any "peer drama" she can get herself into or create. She was not always like this. When she turned 13, she decided that she was "who she wanted to be" whether or not that fit my standards or God's standards. I am in her face constantly because if I'm not, there is no telling what she is going to get away with. I just about catch every lie, every smell of smoke on her and anything she is or is not doing at school. I am in constant contact with teachers, counselor, etc. She is on anti-depressants. She is so afraid of not being accepted that she flocks to the "fad or group of the day" when they show her any kind of acceptance. She is so smart but chooses to act dumb. No one can get through to her except her peers. Her usual reaction when we have our talks about the concerns I have is, "I'm a teenager. We are all doing these things right now. You are not alone." Does any of this sound remotely familiar to anyone out there?

Tanya,
I have a 16 year old boy that turned into someone else in the past 6 weeks, he was hanging with older kids and I just put a stop to all of that. Underage drinking and such and I called the police and the parents. He left my house last night and went to my sisters house who I asked not to let him stay here. But she underminded me and let him stay. He won;t come home and I feel betrayed by my sister and my son won;t come home.
I am at wits end what to do with my son. I am going there tomorrow with the police, I don;t have a choice cause he won;t make one. My sister she can stay away.

Your not alone, stay strong and stick with your values and what you have instilled in him.

I have a 16 year old boy who has been taken over by aliens. He is failing most of his classes and seem to not be concerned. I have done all that I know to do to insure that he has the tools he need to be be successful. Taking things away from him on seem to make him rebell more. I tried talking to him as well as having others talk to him. It's like he is totally disconnected from reality. I wonder if letting him find out about the harsh realities of life is what he needs. I don't want to see him fail, but, what else can I do?

i have 2 daughters at the ages of 2 months an 2 years there father and i split..he had nothing to do with them for years, now they are 18 and almost 16 both in high school, and both consider me the biotch, and the oldest one moved in with him because she couldnt abide by our 10pm curfew on school nights, an now the youngest one says she too wants to go live with him she hates us both (me an there stepdad) now he has provided very well for them over the past 10 yrs, neither has shown an ounce of respect or gratitude for anything,dont realize the sacrifices we have made for them nor do they care, what do i do???

Leigh, I feel your pain. I wonder if all teenagers are going through this rebellious and disrespectful period? I just don't remember disrespecting my mother as a teenager. She became a single mother because our father was abusive to her. But, I never treated her the way teenagers treat their parents today. I wouldn't even dare. I truly don;t understand it. I have had too many visits to the hospital (heart palpitations) due to stress and anxiety because of my son. I am really tired and at the end of my rope.

I've been a single father since my ex dropped him off on my door step and took off with another man. Lol, I can hear the comments now. He was 12 years old. Before that we shared custody.
Anyhow while my son was younger he was easy to take care of. When he turned 13 all bets were off. He's tried everything and I mean everything, drugs, booze, sex etc. He's 18 now and just barely making it in his senior year. I've told him he can stay only if he enrolls into college. He's not, so he's out and I move into a mature building and try to find some of my lost peace. He can come back to visit and that's it. It's been like the past 6 years I've been hostage so I can understand all these other parents. He's not coming home drunk or stoned but he still wastes food, refuses to clean his room etc., not for much longer though. Parents, there is an end to it.The love does not end. I will always love him. I had two older boys and they both turned out very well and have kids now. I never had the same problems with the older two.

I have a 15 year hold daughter who's grades took a dive. She decided to just not do her homework anymore. She was an a/b student and now she has E's in Science and Algebra, just because she flat will not do her work. And if she does do it, she doesn't turn it in.

I put her in tutoring at Sylvan 2 times week to catch up on Algebra. We also found a pipe in her room so now I drug test her every couple of weeks. So far its clean, even right after the pipe discovery so we know she was just trying it out. I totally agree that Mother Nature has taken her over and she is doing this to defy her parents and act out independently. She has control over these things and she is making it quite evident.

I am wondering if I should go ahead and let her fail her classes and flunk. It pains me but I wonder if it would be better for her . . . but then I worry she may never catch up if she does.

What about when your teen turns you on?

My son brought home some of the best weed I had ever smoked. It was incredible and now we've bonded even more, enjoying a periodic smoke session. It's a whole new dimension in parenting for me.