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Five Ways To Lie to Your Kid
Let's face it -- there are times when it's just plain easier to tell your kid a little fib.
A little truth bending can ward off that tantrum (“I know you want to watch it, but I just can't find the DVD, dear.”). Most of us are guilty of this. Of course, we do it to protect our kids from worry or distressing facts -- or to protect our family's reputation in the public restaurant (“I'm sorry, honey. The cookies are all gone.”)
While I don't think it's ever right to deceive your child on those bigger life issues, you should feel free to creatively alter the facts every once in a while for those teenier situations. After all, your child may not be developmentally ready to handle the whole truth, and there are a few times when the whole truth will do more harm than good. In fact, I think there are times when not telling the whole truth is not only okay, but even advisable. Here are five ways to tell kids half-truths -- or just plain fudge things a bit for your child's own good:
1. Take the Fifth. You don't have to respond to every question, especially those involving your privacy and past life (i.e., substance abuse, sex life, law infractions). Unless you really feel it would benefit your child to hear it all, you can just take the fifth. “I'm sorry, but that's part of my private life.” Enough.
2. Ask a Question. You can avoid lying by asking a question: “Do you think Santa is real?” Or answer only what your child asks. Then wait and dig a little deeper. “What have you heard?” is always a great way to start a conversation.
3. Withhold Facts. You don't have to give all the facts, but you can still tell the truth. If your ex didn't pick up your child as promised, you don't have to say, “Your father didn't want to see you today.” You can alter the sentiment, and still be honest: “I'm not sure why Daddy isn't here. When we see him, you can ask.”
4. Water Down the Facts. Whether it's a national or world tragedy (i.e., war, tsunami, terrorism) or an event close to home (i.e., a kidnapping, a cancer diagnosis, a car accident), chances are your child will hear about it and needs to get his information from you. Be honest, but just water down the facts to his level in a reassuring way.
5. Plead Ignorance. In some instances, it's just fine to tell your child, “I don't know” -- followed by reassurances. “Will Daddy die?” “I don't know. But we're doing everything we can to help him.” Or: “Will we lose the house?” “I don't know. But whatever happens, we'll be okay because we're together.”
Use these techniques when you have to, but don't make it a habit of lying to your child. A famous experiment conducted at the University of California at Santa Barbara found that when people were asked to recall the worst lie they were ever told, they usually cited an instance when their parent lied to them. They never got over the feeling of being deceived by Mom or Dad, and they've resented it ever since. But when their parent was asked about the lie, they thought that lying to their child was not only the right thing to do, but also an act of love.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.
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My son si 10 yrs old and i swear he started lieing the day he came out of the womb. He knows that I lie on occassion and he says, "why is it okay for you to lie but it is not okay for me to" I don't know really how to answer this. Can you help?????
There is NEVER a good reason to lie to your child. You should be ashamed for teaching this idea.
I think waiting for the right time is different than leaving out the facts or lying if waiting for the right time is an excuse.. 'you weren't ready to hear it then.... and so much time passed... now you found out when we should have already told you.....' .. waiting to tell the whole truth can be okay. but neglecting to ever tell the truth is not a good idea. if you have to decide to withhold info, then you also have to decide when to actually tell it.....
lies in general just breed misunderstanding and more lies
Great post! Enjoyed the read.
I agree with Jenn, my husband and I have boys, ages 10 & 14 and a 3 year old foster daughter. I'm appauled to read such an article, there is never a reason to lie to your children. What ever happened to "Honesty is the best policy." You can tell them you honestly don't know and discuss options and feelings without lying! Perhaps the whole truth is not always necessary and you can tell them in terms they udnerstand; simplicity.
i think you've chosen the wrong title. the information could be helpful if presented in a different light.
I agree it's not right to lie to your child, but when children ask so many questions..maybe you shouldn't tell them the entire drawn out answer, just one they will understand..and as for husband and wife affairs, they don't need to get involved.
Jenn get off your high horse
And what do you do when your 12 year old asks why you are no longer with his father? Shall I go ahead and tell him it is because his father (who is in his life) use to beat mommy?
I think the term "lying" is misunderstood in this context. I agree with this blog. As the youngest child, I felt that I was often exposed to the darker sides of truths and often hoped for the sugary versions. It was hard for my parents to shield me when my older siblings were more than willing to descibe the often offensive facts. Protecting your child by "watering down", "pleading ignorance", etc. is a very good practice. Tara, your example, although tragic, is perfect. Jenn, what do you tell you children if they ask you certain questions that they shouldn't know the answers to at such an innocent age? Protecting children from the truth is analogous to adhering to moving ratings. There are certain topics that children are not prepared for and are better off not knowing until they reach a more stable age.
First, to Laura. There's an easy way to solve your problem: Just stop lying. Actually, considering all situations in life, it is not okay to do something and tell your child it's not okay for them to do it. If it is not okay for your child to do something, then it's not okay for you to do it either.
Regarding the article, I agree with Rachel. The advice is not bad, but neither is it lying. They are very tactical approaches. I think the title is way off and the word "lying" needs to be extracted from the article.
Here's a tip to add to the article:
#6 Tell your child that you will discuss it (whatever problem) with them when they reach a specific age range.
Overall - Lying is amongst the worst things you can do in regards to raising a child
Dr. Borba,
Thank you for the great post! It was very informative. I tell all my friends about your blog. Keep up the great work.
Hello,
Simply, lying is a bad habit, if you do it once, you do it twice, and you keep doing it. Being honest is not hard! It's just being honest. And lying is called lying whether you are lying to people, to yourself, or child.
If your child asked you a personal question, be honest and say it's personal.
If they ask something that they shouldn't know at their age, just tell them when you are older, you'll findout with a smile, or you could explain to them what is okay for them to know in cases...
People. It's simple, just don't lie. It gets you into heaps of trouble.
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