You just received a memo: your parent-teacher conference is scheduled. What should you ask the teacher? I’ve sat on both sides of this one: as a mom of three (I always wonder how many hours I spent at those school events) and as a teacher. I learned that there are things parents can do before, during and even after the conference to make the most of those meetings with the teacher. In fact, if you ask the right questions, you may just learn a few things about your child. Here, suggestions to maximize the meeting.

What to Do Before the Conference
Take time before the conference to jot down any questions so you won’t forget them. Your goal is to find out not only how your child is doing, but also ways you can help out at home. Here are my tips to help you prepare for the meeting but, of course, tailor your queries to your child and your concerns.

1. Briefly review your child’s latest schoolwork, tests, and assignments. Do you have any concerns or questions?

2. Talk to your child: Ask if there is anything he’d like you to ask his teacher (such as the homework schedule or when the library books are due). Also ask: “Is there anything you think the teacher will tell me that I don’t know?” Better to not be surprised -- right?

3. Review teacher guidelines: Take a look at the classroom rules, holidays, homework and behavior expectations, dress code, and contact numbers. Doing so may save you from taking time away from discussing your child’s progress. If you don’t have a school handbook, ask your child to bring one home.

What to Do During the Conference
1. Be on time. The teacher has only a set time to talk, so you should use it wisely. Walk in with an open mind and listen. You can always schedule another conference later.

2. Bring paper and a pencil to jot notes. Also bring the key questions you want answers to. You want to try to get an accurate assessment of how your child is doing academically, but also socially and emotionally. Here are a few questions you might want to ask:

• School work: How is my child doing academically? Socially? Behaviorally? How does he compare to other children? How is he doing on tests?

• Social competence: Does he fit in? How does he get along with others? Who does he play with or hang around with? Is there any child you think might be a good friend for him that he currently doesn't associate with?

• Strengths and weaknesses: What are his strengths? His strongest subjects? What about weaknesses? Is he keeping up? Should we be concerned? What can we do at home to help?

• Homework: How much time should he spend on it each night? Is he turning it in? Is there a list of books he should be reading at home? Is there a homework schedule? You may also want to inquire about scheduled book reports or upcoming projects. The goal is to find out if your child is not only doing his homework and turning it in, but if it’s also done at the level the teacher expects.

• Emotional well-being: Does he seem comfortable and happy in the classroom? Does he appear confident and willing to participate?

• Behavior: How does my child behave around adults and other kids? Is he polite and respectful?

• Teacher contact: What is the best way to reach you? (i.e., email, phone, note).

• Your role: If you are so inclined, ask if there is anything you can do to help out in the classroom or outside of school.

• Problems: If the teacher does mention a problem (a learning disability, a behavior concern, low test scores, or the possibility of being retained), stay open and gather as much information as possible. Your goal is to find out what the teacher plans to do to help remedy the problem, how significant an issue it is, and how you can reinforce the plan at home. Find out how you will know if the problem is improving or escalating. Let her know you want to stay on top of things. Figure out how the two of you will monitor the issue together.

What to Do After the Conference
Now go home and share what you learned with your child and your parenting partner. Always start with the positives, and if there is a concern discuss how you and his teacher will monitor things so there is an improvement. Then commit to doing what you discussed. If you still have concerns or unanswered questions especially about a behavior or academic issue, schedule another conference in a week or so. If appropriate, write a note to the teacher thanking her for her time and advice.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

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