You just received a memo: your parent-teacher conference is scheduled. What should you ask the teacher? I’ve sat on both sides of this one: as a mom of three (I always wonder how many hours I spent at those school events) and as a teacher. I learned that there are things parents can do before, during and even after the conference to make the most of those meetings with the teacher. In fact, if you ask the right questions, you may just learn a few things about your child. Here, suggestions to maximize the meeting.

What to Do Before the Conference
Take time before the conference to jot down any questions so you won’t forget them. Your goal is to find out not only how your child is doing, but also ways you can help out at home. Here are my tips to help you prepare for the meeting but, of course, tailor your queries to your child and your concerns.

1. Briefly review your child’s latest schoolwork, tests, and assignments. Do you have any concerns or questions?

2. Talk to your child: Ask if there is anything he’d like you to ask his teacher (such as the homework schedule or when the library books are due). Also ask: “Is there anything you think the teacher will tell me that I don’t know?” Better to not be surprised -- right?

3. Review teacher guidelines: Take a look at the classroom rules, holidays, homework and behavior expectations, dress code, and contact numbers. Doing so may save you from taking time away from discussing your child’s progress. If you don’t have a school handbook, ask your child to bring one home.

What to Do During the Conference
1. Be on time. The teacher has only a set time to talk, so you should use it wisely. Walk in with an open mind and listen. You can always schedule another conference later.

2. Bring paper and a pencil to jot notes. Also bring the key questions you want answers to. You want to try to get an accurate assessment of how your child is doing academically, but also socially and emotionally. Here are a few questions you might want to ask:

• School work: How is my child doing academically? Socially? Behaviorally? How does he compare to other children? How is he doing on tests?

• Social competence: Does he fit in? How does he get along with others? Who does he play with or hang around with? Is there any child you think might be a good friend for him that he currently doesn't associate with?

• Strengths and weaknesses: What are his strengths? His strongest subjects? What about weaknesses? Is he keeping up? Should we be concerned? What can we do at home to help?

• Homework: How much time should he spend on it each night? Is he turning it in? Is there a list of books he should be reading at home? Is there a homework schedule? You may also want to inquire about scheduled book reports or upcoming projects. The goal is to find out if your child is not only doing his homework and turning it in, but if it’s also done at the level the teacher expects.

• Emotional well-being: Does he seem comfortable and happy in the classroom? Does he appear confident and willing to participate?

• Behavior: How does my child behave around adults and other kids? Is he polite and respectful?

• Teacher contact: What is the best way to reach you? (i.e., email, phone, note).

• Your role: If you are so inclined, ask if there is anything you can do to help out in the classroom or outside of school.

• Problems: If the teacher does mention a problem (a learning disability, a behavior concern, low test scores, or the possibility of being retained), stay open and gather as much information as possible. Your goal is to find out what the teacher plans to do to help remedy the problem, how significant an issue it is, and how you can reinforce the plan at home. Find out how you will know if the problem is improving or escalating. Let her know you want to stay on top of things. Figure out how the two of you will monitor the issue together.

What to Do After the Conference
Now go home and share what you learned with your child and your parenting partner. Always start with the positives, and if there is a concern discuss how you and his teacher will monitor things so there is an improvement. Then commit to doing what you discussed. If you still have concerns or unanswered questions especially about a behavior or academic issue, schedule another conference in a week or so. If appropriate, write a note to the teacher thanking her for her time and advice.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

What's this?

Of course we worry about our kids. It’s only natural to do so. We love our children more than life itself and want them to be happy and successful, and when they aren’t it hurts. When we see our kids struggle, have trouble fitting in, or recognize that they are somehow noticeably “different” from their peers, our worry buttons go off big time.

So when should you worry—really worry--if your child is “quirky,” or noticeably different from the other kids? When does quirkiness just mean being eccentric, thinking outside the box, or being creative or gifted or just wonderfully different? And just when should you go along with the recommendation of those “well-meaning” relatives and get your child diagnosed and seek out special treatment because that quirkiness is making it difficult for him to function and feel good about himself?

(Watch the video from the Today Show!)

Those are the questions I was asked by parents when I taught special education. It's one of the tougher aspects of parenting. If you have a quirkier kid, here are a few strategies to help you know when to worry or when to just relax, develop a tougher skin, and learn to accept his more eccentric ways:

1. Use the “Happy Test.” Tune in to your child a bit closer over the next few days, and then watch her in different situations including with siblings, friends, relatives, classmates, teammates, strangers, as well as alone. Now on a scale of one to ten (ten being the highest and one the lowest), rate your child’s overall “Happiness Quotient.” Keep in mind that every kid has good and bad days and even weeks. The big question is: “How happy is your child in general these past few weeks?” Worry if your child’s overall “Happiness Quotient” or emotional well-being is a persistent problem and not a one-day or one-week event.

2. Target specific quirks. Pretend you are describing your child’s quirkiness to your best girlfriend who has never met him. Be specific. What would you say? “She flaps her hands when excited." "He never makes eye contact." "Her speech is delayed three years according to those charts." "He has exorcist-like tantrums and can’t calm down." Worry when your child’s quirky behavior is not intentional (she can’t stop flapping her hands; she doesn’t mean to put her hands over her ears to block out any sounds), overly obsessive and is causing relationship hardships.

3. Is it really a problem? Is your child “differences” getting in the way of his life or are his quirks something you can’t accept? Keep in mind that your child may well be having a perfectly good time in that classroom -- even if he’s not invited to all those birthday parties. She may be passionate about her grasshopper collection -- even though the rest of the kids are completely turned off. Worry if your child's quirkiness is making it difficult for her to function in life (in school, home, with peers, in public).

4. Consult the experts. When should you act on your worry and get help about your kid’s quirkiness? Worry if you are haunted by a persistent feeling that something is not right. Here are other issues that should prompt you to get help:

• Your worry is nagging and persistent over a period of time: “Something isn’t right. I just know it!” You know your child better than anyone.

• Your child’s persistent quirkiness is getting in the way of his character, reputation, or peer relationships.

• Family life has become difficult; the other siblings are suffering; you’re walking on egg shells.

• The quirkiness is a medical or pre-existing family condition.

• Individuals who really care about your child and whose opinions you trust are telling you to get help.

Consult only professionals who have a thorough understanding of child development. Do know that even then their advice varies depending upon their training (a pediatric neurologist's opinion will be quite different from an occupational therapist or special education teacher). Be prepared for frustrations.

5. Should you label your child? Sensory Disorder. Asperger’s Syndrome. ADHD. Learning Disabilities. Autism. Your next worry is whether to diagnosis the quirkiness and label your child. There is a big Catch-22: Without it your child won’t be able to receive specific treatment or available educational and psychological resources. There are no easy, clear-cut answers to the labeling game. Labels were designed for one purpose: to facilitate treatment. The right diagnosis can be a huge relief and save you hundreds of dollars if your child needs special resources. The earlier the treatment the better. But unless he needs this, forego the branding. It can be stigmatizing and self-fulfilling. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with being eccentric. I’m sure Einstein, Mozart, Elton John, and Robin Williams would have been considered quirky kids, but they were able to function. So think through the pros and cons carefully. Vote yes if the label would help your child’s chances for a better, easier life. So answer this big question: Does your child’s quirkiness really need a label?

The fact is, each kid is different. Some are more like sunflowers and tumbleweeds and just roll with the punches, fit in and are easier. Others are more temperamental, need more nurturing, and are simply more difficult to raise like African Violets or orchids. Our big parenting challenge is to figure out who our child is and what makes him tick so we can keep his spirit, provide whatever he needs to help him get along in life, and love him for who he really is. The most effective parenting is always tailored to our kids.

Your child's quirkiness may get raised eyebrows and negative comments, so do develop a poker face and have one great comeback line ready to deliver at the perfect moment. “Thank heavens he’s not like the rest of the world” or “We’re raising the next Mozart… or Einstein…or Robin Williams.” Say it with confidence and walk on. Whatever your worries, your role is to always be your child’s best advocate.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

What's this?

Sit down. If you haven’t heard the news about teens this should make you and every other parent smile. And it’s about time. A seven-month study conducted by MTV and The Associated Press interviewed nearly 1,300 young people aged 13 to 24 years old. The results found that the majority of teens find the most happiness in family. What’s more, most respondents listed their parents (i.e. you) as their heroes. And (it gets even better) most young people (over three-quarters) said being with their parents brought them even more joy than being with their friends. What’s more, half say religion and spirituality are very important.

Watch the segment from TODAY

This is great news. They like us. They really like us! These days, we usually hear the doom and gloom stuff about American teens, so these results couldn’t come at a better time.

Here are the five findings in the survey that I think all parents need to hear. I’ve included the good along with the bad news about what is really on the minds of our young people today. I’m also including a few parenting suggestions I shared on the TODAY show when I reported the results.

1. They like us! Not only did the teens say they like us, but they also want us in their lives. Wow! Word of warning: don’t wait for a personalized invitation from your teen. “Yo, Mom, lets go have a great talk about our family values.” The trick is that we parents still need to be a bit crafty and find ways to stay involved in our kids’ lives without invading their space. They do want privacy. They do want time with their peers.

Find ways to get into your kid’s zone. Find the time he is most receptive to talking and then be available. (Forget the first few hours in the morning. I swear teens are in a different time zone and don’t wake up until at least noon. Bless their teachers). I finally discovered with one of my kids that the best time was five o’clock in the afternoon—near the refrigerator. And that’s where I’d plant myself.

Watch the judgments and criticisms. Nothing turns a teen off faster. Listen twice as much as you talk. And wait. They are processing and sometimes those words take a little longer to come out. Finally, find “common connectors.” What are things you and your teen could enjoy doing together? Is it going to be a basketball game, yoga, a book club, exercising, watching Friends reruns, shopping. Find one common connector so you can stay involved together.

2. Tune up your behavior. The survey also revealed that teens put us as their top hero and role model. They choose their parents even over their friends. Such power we hold. Such influence! It also means our kids are copying our behavior. A word to the wise: Model what you want your kids to copy. Ask yourself every night one question: “If my teen had only my behavior to watch, what would he have caught today?” How are you doing? I swear kids come with videocam recorders planted inside their heads. They are watching us.

3. Money matters and concerns. Surprisingly, only one percent of teens listed money as the thing that would make them happiest. That one shocked me a bit because the research I read always stresses the materialistic nature of teens. The good news is that they are choosing relationships over money to bring them joy. Yes! Research also confirms that relationships are the single greatest source of happiness. On the other hand, 70 percent of teens still want to be rich in the future; 29 percent want to be famous. Nothing shocking there. After all, this is the “American Idol Generation.” Though the results may sound like a contradiction, the reality is teens (and mostly males) are concerned about their future. They say they are worried about money matters. It’s interesting to note that young people with highest-income families seem happier with life overall (hmmm) and middle income kids feel the most financial pressure. I don’t blame them. It’s tough out there.

4. Stress and pressure. Here was the big red flag. Thirty-eight percent of teens said they feel stressed frequently; 47 percent said they felt somewhat stressed. The biggest stressor for teens was school. This result confirms every other study I’ve read. Our kids are stressed and the stress is mounting. And why not? This is an era of “leave no child left untested.” A word to the wise: keep an eye on your child. Watch those stress signs. Watch his workload and her non-stop schedule. How does your child handle stress? What things exacerbate it? How well does your child cope with pressure? What can you do to reduce that stress? Those are the big questions today’s parents should tune into. What tools and strategies have you taught your child to handle stress? The key parent question is always: “Does the stress stimulate or paralyze my teen?” The answer tells you what direction you need to take for your child’s health and happiness.

5. The scary world. Safety did not rate very high among our kids. Only 29 percent of those polled felt very safe when traveling. Only 25 percent felt safe from terror attacks. The truth is, it’s a scary world to be growing up in. The tragic images and horrific experiences our young people have been exposed to in their short years are heart wrenching: Columbine. 9-11. Virginia Tech. Oklahoma Bombings. Global warming. The threat of a nuclear holocaust (the headlines in my newspaper today). Though we can’t prevent tragedies from occurring, we can help our children see the good parts about the world and people. Expose your teen to goodness. Clip out those articles about the wonderful, caring things people do. You'll find those articles tucked away in the back pages of the paper. Many parents cut them out and use them each night as “Good News Reports.” I love the idea. Our children deserve to hear the better parts of life.

For the most part the MTV/AP survey of our teens revealed promising, hopeful findings. What could be better than knowing our kids love us and want to be with us? They say their families bring them the most joy. That alone is grounds for celebrating. After all, the single greatest determiner in how our kids turn out is the strength of their relationship with their parents. We’re doing something right. Let’s just make sure we keep an eye on the stress and pressure today’s teens face.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them. What's this?