I am appalled at the recommendation to "watch the hand-me-downs". Such a disservice to families who receive parenting guidance from the Today Show, it increases parental stress and guilt at not being able to give children everything. It is difficult enough to raise children in a society which promotes selfishness, self absorption and a focus on external things like looks and belongings. Many families struggle to deal with morgage issues, skyrocketing insurance costs and have not adequately planned for retirement. Encouraging people to make sure they buy the middle child new clothes as a parenting solution is irreponsible. How about having family discussions about what is, and is not, important, including stewardship of the earth's resources? Spend time with a middle child to dress up a hand-me-down outfit, help them identify their own style and brainstorm ways to make it look different or plan a clothing exchange with friends to bring in 'new' clothes into the family. Clearly suggested by someone with lots of $.

Excellent information and a well written article... compliments to the author!

A comment for Terry...you clearly didn't read the article correctly or else you would have seen the point the author was trying to make about the "hand me downs". she was not suggesting that you go out and spend a ton of money on new things for your middle child. She was suggesting that by doing it all the time, you're making them feel second best compared to their siblings. Stop freaking out about nothing. I'm a middle child and ALWAYS had my sisters clothes given to me and it constantly felt like I wasn't good enough to get new things. I am not saying everyone is like that, but that's just the point the author was trying to make!

As the parents of 3 boys I kept nodding my head as I watched the piece this morning and reread it now. Our middle son is almost a case study- the only difference is that he is not always the peace maker- he has tried to distinguish himself by acting out. He is usualy passive but when he acts out he draws only "bad attention" to himself - We need to find a way to him garner positive attention. These are great and constructive guidelines to follow.

Thank you so much for this honest article! As the middle child in an all girls family, I heavily identify with being the lease favored. One thing I have always fought with, and still do to this day is trying to make myself stand out from my sisters. I'm afraid though that as a parent, if I have a middle child, I will overly favor them to make up for the way my parents treated me.

I wonder if there is a "first child syndrome" and a "baby of the family syndrome." I know I have definite stereotypes about eldest and youngest children.

I read this list skeptically, but I have to agree with a lot of them. Being a middle child (smack-dab middle child of nine children, mind you), I was a peacekeeper, I kept to myself, and I got hand-me-downs. But my family moved all the time so teachers never compared me to my older siblings, I had *so* many siblings that if I didn't get attention from my parents I would get it from my brothers and sisters, *everybody* got hand-me-downs including the eldest (from thrift stores or older cousins), and I definitely wasn't the only peacekeeper or eccentric or creative one of the family.

I liked being a middle child! I felt like I got the best of both worlds, being both an older and a younger sister.

I guess the "middle child syndrome" isn't so bad when there are multiple middle children in the family. I want multiple middle children in my family.

Being the first child, I always thought the luckiest was the middle child, as he had an elder sibling to protect him, as well as a younger one to play (or bully?) with.

Don't be alarmed, I think it's not as bad as it's written.

Michele,

Great post. So often we forget that three means one on either side of the middle. We foster the older one and baby the younger one...and the middle one is left to struggle with all of the identity issues.

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I have 3 grown daughters. 33,29, and 27. My eyes light up with all three, even though they are all grown-up.

Good site! Good resources here, All the best!

I have 3 girls. And I too have to watch the hand-me-downs. Sometimes they are in excellent condition from the oldest. So, what I do is let the middle choose which ones she gets to keep, put the others on consignment, and use the consignment balance to get "new" things. I can afford new, but there are some great buys at consignment shops. I also try to never compare, and always point out positive unique qualities. It's hard because there was just my sister and I. But, I don't want her feeling inferior to anyone, least of all to those who love her.

Every case is different. My oldest is a girl, my middle and youngest - boys. That appears to negate the "middle child syndrome." Instead, my youngest gets the hand me downs, my middle is by far the smartest, and my oldest, while matching some "older child" sterotypes, is less responsible and type A personality than one would expect. Simply put, they each experience life in a different way and are going respond differently. Maybe the fact that I'm a middle matters too. Who knows, maybe I paid close attention.

I found the article very insightful but I wanted to comment on the comments left by Terry on 8/7 and Leamm on 8/27. Re: Terry the author's suggestion re: the hand me downs shouldn't be taken as a slap in the face you don't want to make the child who gets the hand me downs ALL THE TIME to feel like they never get anything new. To Leamm I couldn't agree more w/you I thought you were speaking of my kids :-) my middle is the most studious my oldest is the most spoiled :-) and my baby before my newest baby is in her class by herself and she too gets the most "hand-me-downs". Now that we have 4 kids I don't know who the middle child is. ;-)

I have 3 children (10 year girl, 4 year boy and 6 month girl). I also have a 15 year old stepson and we all live together so my oldest is the one that acts out as she is no longer my first child. My son who is technically my middle child is well adjusted and looks up to his older brother for guidance. My eyes do light up with the baby so I will have to make sure I give my oldest (10 year girl) lots of attention! Great article!

I have 3 boys, 13, 6 & 3. My middle child is NOT THE PEACEMAKER! He is aggresive, doesn't want to listen to any reason. We have to do extra homework and occupational therapy at home because of his low muscle tone. Everything always turns out into a fight. It never feels that anything goes smoothly. There always have to be words, even to get ready for school EVERY MORNING! He doesn't get 2nd best clothing or toys because of the age difference between him and the eldest. What am I doing wrong??? And I am more involved in with his school and homework tasks than ever with my eldest. He's constantly

DPC's comment was so beautiful! It is horrible to feel you are not special to those who should love you the most. It is an emotional puzzle that many middle kids spent the rest of their lives trying to figure out. I am the middle child of two older brothers and two younger sisters and the eldests and youngests were and continue to be clearly the favorites. I grew up being told I was too needy. When I rebeled, I was "just looking for attention" and ignored for my own good. My hope is that parents realize that children who are left alone to figure out their place in the family, can grow up to have a hard time finding their place in society. Many middles feel sad and lonely all their lives because their parents never acknowledged to them what all middle children should hear. That they are just as welcome in their families as the first or the last child. I think middles are rare and special creatures who can turn out to be the diamonds in the rough for wise parents.

The article on the middle child is wise for parents but what about the middle child that is 9 years older than the youngest? Is he or she still the middle child?

I am the youngest, but I suffer from middle child syndrome. I was less favored by my parents. My oldest brother age 11, was killed in a horrible accident when I was 5 and my older sister was 7. I always got the hand-me-downs from my sister and she alway got to do things first, as I was not old enough. We were too sheltered and too smothered and far too (under the thumb). I was (and still am) the peacemaker and I have 3 children of my own. I always tried to keep some personal time for each of my children and try to identify with their individual need. I'm certain I fell short now and again, but we try to teach them that.....everyone has a cross to bear and how we choose to live as adults is how WE choose to live, not how someone made us turn out. We can all learn from other's mistakes and try to do better..........

I'm in the middle of four girls and I don't feel that I was second to anyone. My father showed favoritism to me and my oldest sister, and my mother showed favoritism to my other older sister and my younger sister. So we each were treated special in one way, but badly in other ways. I LIKED getting hand-me-downs, and I LIKED not getting all the attention. I never followed in my sisters' footsteps. In fact, I'm completely different from all my sisters. Also, the oldest doesn't always have a higher IQ. My younger sister and I have higher IQ levels than our two older sisters. And one last thing-- "middle child syndrome" is a cop-out. If you got less attention as a child, that's one thing, but that doesn't mean you were mistreated and it doesn't give you a good reason to be a whiny, self-centered adult.

By the way, I also have three children and one on the way. My husband and I have been accused of showing favoritism toward our oldest and youngest, but it's clear to me that others who care for my children actually give my second son way too much attention, especially when he acts up. The more he acts up, the more attention he gets from them, and the more attention he gets, the more aggressive and defiant he gets. My husband and I give him a choice to change his behavior or sit in a chair, and for a while he'd ignore us, but when we became more firm with "do one or the other" and stopped giving him attention WHILE he was being disciplined, he has become more willing to do as he's told without even being asked! Some children NEED less attention, and he's one of them. So was I.

Iam a grandmom ,raising a 14 yr old boy ,who has been with me since he was 3 months , now I understand the world has changed , how do I get up to todays ways for tweens? In other words he will be in high school next year , I want to get involved in school , do you think this will benefit him? he is now in private school, doing good , but public school is a different matter, God is out , big problems there , and Iam really at lost on how to go about it, any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks

Well, I'm glad some middle children turn out OK. I am the youngest of three, and I can tell you that the middle sister in my mix is just plain psycho. She was so afraid of being stereotyped, that she just plain did everything possible to get all the attention she could. She is a 38-year-old woman/child and is still living with Mom. When she doesn't live with Mom, Mom pays her rent, car payment, etc. I am here to tell you that you really have to watch what your kids here around the house, or read about in magazines that may be left out. I don't have anything to do with my sisters, and I am much better off. They don't like me anymore anyway because they can't tell me what to do. I'm a successful 35-year-old and much better off on my own. My congrats to all the ones who turned out normal. My sisters sure didn't.

I have four children, and it just so happens that my third child is my shining star. my other three children are scholastically challenged. they were just lazy when it came to school. I love them all unconditionally so that none of them ever feels left out. I have been blessed.

No child needs less attention, regardless of how much they may get it from others. No matter how much attention a child gets from someone else, it is the attention given by the parent that matters most to a child. Otherwise, kids will take attention where they can get it. In these perilous times, I would not want my child to look for parental attention outside the home. Not on the internet, at school or anywhere else but the safety of his/her home. This is obviously not unique to middles.

Great article!I am the middle child in a family of 3 girls and I found every point in the article to be true in my experience-except the bit about the peacekeeper.I was more likely to be the outspoken one-standing up for whomever I believed was being treated unfairly.This meant I was the one who was always in trouble for taking on my parents.In response to Sandra's comment-others could see that my older and younger sister were favoured by my parents,so they attempted to compensate by showing me attention.I don't know you or your son,but if it is anything like the situation I experienced,your son may feel that he is treated unfairly and doesn't get the love and attention he needs at home.This can make a child feel very hurt and frustrated,so they act out.Parents see this as negative behavior so they show even more preference for their other 'good' children,causing the neglected child to feel even more unloved,and the cycle continues.Try to break the cycle by showing him some favouritism for once-it's worth a try!

Hello
I am the second eldest child of 4 kids. My sister was favored by my mom and I felt like nothing I did would have been good enough because I didn't do it first. Myself and my sister have always been very close because even though parents should know better I would have never let something like that come between our friendship she is still today my very best friend.
What I came to realize growing up was that it's not what your parents think its what you think and live your life regardless of what your parents think its your life and only you can make it meaningful not your parents. Don't wish to be anyone but yourself. When I do decide to have children they will get attention and there will not be any favoritism because I want them to know that they are unique and each are there own person, teaching and encouring each child to do there best no matter what is good parenting. I look forward to their different styles and personalities.

I have three boys: 7, 2, and 5 months. I like to refer to my middle guy as my "biggest little boy" or my "littlest big boy". He is so funny, quirky and cute that it's impossible to ignore him. I guess what I'm saying is each child is a precious, unique gift from God and it's a privilege to watch each one grow and develop. We have our kids for such a short time! Let's try to help all of our kids identify their gifts and develop into the people God created them to be.

i have three girls, ages 8, 4 and 2 and i love them very much. i have been hearing a lot about the middle child syndrome from persons who claim to experience it. i am the first of 5, and my 'middle' brother is the one that is rebellious and always in trouble. i find that with my kids, the oldest is spoilt, the middle has the highest IQ and the last gets most hand-me-downs. she is not babied either because she is getting quite naughty. the article is very well written but i believe that many different factors lend to circumstances and there should not be stereotypes. Anyway, thanks for the tips. we should all strive to treat our children equally and love them unconditionally.

p.s there is absolutely nothing wrong with hand-me-downs, but we should always try to buy each child something new when possible. as children get older, they do notice, and feel left out if they see their siblings getting new things and they do not. this can lead to all sorts of undesirable results.

As a parent to 3 kids - a son 3, a son 20 mos & a daughter 6 weeks old this is a new topic for me that I am concerned about as far as my middle child goes. He isn't showing signs of middle child syndrome (yet) but I am trying to show him how much I completely adore him even though he is now not the baby. I tell him all the time he will always be my baby boy. I am really hoping that because my kids are so close in age that I will just always be totally engaged by all of them at the same time. They will be experiencing so many of the same things so close that hopefully it will help me keep up the enthusiasm for each of them. I honestly don't know how I couldn't because like someone else said here my eyes light up for each of them - maybe for different reasons - but they light up just the same. I actually wanted 3 kids so I could raise an oldest, a middle and a youngest and see how they each come into their own on their own. I am a youngest and my hubby is a middle so that may help us in our parenting.

I am a child still but in my family i feel like im nothing i gt somthing for me and my younger sis gets it like what is that that makes me feel real un cared about then comes her birthday even more atention comes bye but i try to just lock my self into my room doing resear into tis if u get eny mail me lost_sole95@HOTMAIL.COM THANX