Whenever I hear someone say, “How does she do it?” a single mom comes to mind. Parenting is challenging enough with a partner, but raising a child alone has to be darn right tough. And when your child is ill, how do you do it? Really! I was an absolute basket case from rocking my son all night long, and I had a husband there to help. My hat goes off to you. It's amazing what mothers are capable of doing. It's that four-letter word called l-o-v-e that keeps us going.

Yesterday the Today show asked me to talk about the single motherhood. To prepare for the show I reviewed the results of a fascinating survey by Babytalk magazine and interviewed a number of single moms. According to the US Census Bureau, 36 percent of all births are to single moms and there are so many definitions as to what a “single mother” is these days: from the “traditional single mother” with an unplanned pregnancy (like Loralie Gilmore); to divorced moms (Denise Richards and Reese Witherspoon); older moms who adopt alone or use a sperm bank (Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton, Sheryl Crow); unmarried with children but parenting together as a couple (Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell; Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt); and same-sex parents (Rosie O'Donnell and Kelli Carpenter).

Regardless of your situation, the bottom line is all about the kids. Right? Here are a few recommendations I gave on the Today show along with some fabulous advice shared by a few iVillage moms:

1. Get a support system. Someone. Anyone. But get a support system. Raising children is tough, but doing so as a single mom has to be an emotional roller coaster. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your child. Best advice came from Kimberly, an iVillage mom, on how that support helped get her through tough times:

“All of my family have supported me in some way. Word of encouragement & support, babysitting when I needed it, a ride when I didn't have a car. I wouldn't be able to do this without a great support system they provide.”

2. Find positive male role models. The truth is dads do matter in our kids' lives. New research clearly shows that fathers do impact our kids' emotional, moral and even language development when they are strong, caring and nurturing men. (There's always a footnote to that research, isn't there?) As our kids get older, men play a key role in the level of our daughter's femininity and son's masculinity. Though the Babytalk survey found the vast majority of moms do have dads involved in their children's lives, this isn't always the case. And unfortunately the biological dad is not always caring and nurturing. If that is so, I'd urge you to look for a “substitute male figure.” Though no one can take a real dad's place, some men can come pretty darn close. The trick is to make sure the male is a consistent figure in your child's life. Good old Uncle Harry can't fill the role if he only shows up to deliver those birthday presents once a year. Is there a grandfather, uncle, cousin, or coach you can count on? What about Big Brothers? This isn't easy, but do know that positive male models are important.

3. Don't treat your child as your partner. Studies show that children of single parents are likely to share the household responsibilities. Single moms also discuss things with their kids (like financial problems and big family decisions) that are usually only discussed between parenting partners. Here's some great advice of single iVillage mom, Mary Beth:

“I would say that the most difficult thing about being a single parent is shouldering all of the household responsibilities alone. It gets frustrating when you can't get everything done that you were shooting for, but you learn to cut yourself a little slack here and there.”

(Reread her point: “Cut yourself a little slack!” Right on, Mary Beth!)

Remember: A less-stressed mom is far more important to a kid than a well-mopped floor. We should put that on the back of a cereal box to help us keep the perspective.

4. Be confident as a woman. A famous study was conducted at the University of California at Davis. Researchers wanted to find out why some children had such high self-esteem, and so they looked at scores of variables. They discovered it had nothing to do with a mother's income, geographic location, education, religious background, and even if you worked outside the house or stayed home. What did matter was the mother's level of confidence in herself. Your confidence trickles down to your child. You do make a difference, Mom. In fact who you are is far more important than all the things you do. Be confident that you are doing the best you can at this moment for your child. Married. Unmarried. Same-sex partner. Divorced. The family configuration makes no difference. How you feel about yourself and your relationship with your child does.

5. Stop those Mommy Wars! The single most promising finding in the Babytalk survey was that there appears to be a ceasefire in these obscene Mommy Wars. Married moms and unmarried moms are beginning to show solidarity and halting those darn judgmental calls on who they think is doing the so-called better job of parenting. Yippee! I think women sometimes can be our own worst enemies. This is all about raising kids and we better start supporting one another.

6. Do the best you can do. That's all you can do. Our goal is to raise healthy, happy kids. Every home is different. Every situation is unique. We moms do the best we can do for our children. No one said this more brilliantly than a post from Moni. It's worth reading and rereading as she pays tribute to her mother who raised her as a single mother:

“I never thought of us as being from a broken home or different from others because my parents never lead us to believe that. They never talked about how a 'traditional' family was not like our own. All this made me come to the conclusion that you as the parent set down what is 'normal' for your children. If you make your situation a happy one then your child will be happy. You are the teacher. I love my mother and always look back on my childhood with joy, it was a wonderful time in my life and helped make me into the person I am now. A person I very much like. Thanks Mom. And the same goes for every other mother who is going it alone, you are wonderful.”

Amen!

Michele Borba

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

What's this?

Did you know that unmarried women are now responsible for a whopping 36% of all births? That's the highest number of unmarried mothers in the past six decades. Nearly four out of ten moms are "single parents."

The fact is the Ward and June Clever household is clearly a thing of the past in more ways than one. American families look very different. But are the challenges single moms face different? Are there any silver linings? And what does the new family constellation mean for the kids?

Those are just a few of the questions we'll be discussing Tuesday, August 28 on the TODAY show. I'll be joined by the author of a newly-released survey of over 14,000 wed and unwed moms. The article will appear this month in Babytalk magazine.

Should be an interesting discussion! I hope you join me. And I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. How does this impact the kids -- or does it? What advice do you single moms have for other single moms? Let me know.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

After all the test taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring, and acceptance waiting, the big event is almost here: dropping your child off at college. You'd think that would be the easy part, but move-in day on college campuses is actually a high anxiety, emotionally draining affair. (So says the voice of experience -- believe me, you're never prepared enough.) There are boxes to unload, roommates to meet, dorms to find. And there's also that final moment when you know you have to say goodbye to your child who may be leaving home for the first time.

(Watch the video from the Today Show!)

How can you handle this momentous event so that you and your child will have the best possible sendoff? (We asked some iVillage moms for their thoughts, and here's what they had to say.) And here are my strategies for you:

What to Do Before You Leave

1. Be Prepared Emotionally and Mentally. Letting go is going to be different than you expected and far more emotionally charged. After all, we've been so involved in our kids' lives and have been determined to give them the best. And frankly this is a huge economic investment. So recognize your feelings and sort out your emotions before the big departure. It’s not just your child’s life that will be different from this moment on, but also yours.

2. Have the “Big Talk” Before the Drop Off. Don't count on having a momentous goodbye once you get to campus. The day is guaranteed to be hectic and stressful and not the best time to air your list of parental concerns. Instead have the meaningful talk or one last big lecture to discuss those things that could become areas of contention a few days before you leave home. You might want to make a list of things you want to discuss: financial matters (like spending money and that credit card); your expectations; how you'll stay in touch; when you'll see each other next; and those safety issues like binge drinking and date rape (most parents say safety issues are their biggest concerns). A prior talk (if you think it is needed) will let you and your kid focus on move-in day and have a more positive departure.

3. Simplify the Move. Most kids are embarrassed pulling up in a big moving van. So think of boxes that are easy to pack (and throw away). Or find one of those great cardboard wardrobes where you can pack everything on hangers. Keep in mind that girls usually pack and are ready the day after high school graduation. Boys pack that morning and still will forget things (“Can we stop at Wal-Mart? I forgot my socks, batteries, alarm clock.”) Just be prepared. Bring a few things in one box you know your kid will not have packed: a First-aid Care Package (plastic container with bandages, gauze, adhesive tape, antibiotic ointment, an ice pack, thermometer, medicines for upset stomach, headache, cold or flu, sore throat lozenges or spray), a just-in-case phone card, a surprise batch of homemade cookies or nibbles for the dorm you tucked away for your kid to find.

What to Do When You’re There

4. Take Your Child's Lead. Don't come with set expectations. You never know how he'll respond. The same kid who was so excited may be suddenly scared to death to move. If he appears overwhelmed give him one thing to do right at that moment to get him started (“Go find your dorm room." "Take that box and put it in the closet.”) Don't be shocked if he wants you to leave ASAP (that's why it's great you had that talk). Your role is to support your child, but let him lead you.

5. Locate Essential Places. If you haven't already done so in orientation, help your child find (for his sanity and safety): the pharmacy for prescription refills (if your child is on medication, drop off the first prescription); the bank (there's probably an ATM machine on campus, but sometimes it may not be the same bank as your child's so set up a new bank account with a checkbook); the dorm RA (Resident Assistant) who is your kid's safety net. If you have any special medical concerns about your child, that's the person with whom you should privately discuss those needs; and the infirmary. Point it out and tell him to go there if he gets sick.

6. Don't Get Too Involved in the “Roommate” Scene. Introduce yourself -- and then lay low. Your kid doesn't want you explaining your family history. If you don't like the roommate, keep a poker face. Let your kid be the one to voice his concerns -- not you. This is not like a playdate where you arrange everything, but a relationship your child needs to work through on his own. And remember, the roommate is not your kid for the semester.

7. Don't Be Too Quick to Fix Things. Use the day to start switching your role from micromanager to mentor. It's time to gently cut the umbilical cord. Let your child know with your actions that you won't continue to be the fixer and intervene when a problem arises. This is the moment your kid needs to assume the role of responsible adult.

What to Do When You Leave

8. Think About Your Parting Message. Stay as composed as possible. (Do bring Kleenex and aspirin just in case). Your child needs to know you'll be okay without him. The final words between you and your child are key. Say whatever wisdom you have to offer, whether it is “I love you,” “I'm behind you,” “I'm proud of you.” Your child really will remember those words. If you can't express yourself, write your thoughts down and mail the letter to your child immediately after you arrive home. Just don't drag out the goodbye. Your child doesn't want you hugging and crying and having the long goodbye in front of the new roommate and the rest of the world. This is also the time to use restraint. It's probably best not to say, “What am I going to do without you?” Simple and sweet is best. This is not the last time you will ever see your child.

Then do one last thing: Take a second to glance back one final time. Recognize who your child has become. He's in a whole new world now, and you've helped him become the person he is today. This is what parenting is all about. Drive off. Cry a bit. But also remember to celebrate the moment. You deserve it.

P.S. Best of luck!!!

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

As soon as my third son was born, I became very aware of the so-called “middle kid syndrome.” I read all those birth order books and tuned into those experts comments warning us about “middle children.” Let’s face it, middle kids get a bad rap. A few months ago, new research showed that their elder sibling is smarter (by a minimum of 3 points IQ) and more favored by their parents. Teachers and coaches too often compare the middle child unfairly to their older sibling (“Your older brother read when he was three,” “Your sister could sing in tune,”) and have to endure that icky label: “Oh, you’re the ‘middle’ kid.” And if that isn’t enough, this is the kid that gets far too many hand-me-downs. If we’re not careful this child can get lost in the shuffle of their own families.

(Check out the video from the Today show!)



So when the Today show asked me to talk about the supposed “middle kid syndrome,” I jumped at the opportunity. I reviewed all the research on middle children, but also asked a number of “middle” moms and kids (including my own) for their take on the issue. And chime in they did! Here are seven common problems that researchers warn us of and middle kids complain about. I’ve provided parenting solutions for each hot-button issue.

1. They feel less favored. Not only do middle kids pick up on which sibling is the parental favorite, but, after watching videos of parent interaction, researchers confirm they 65 percent of mothers and 70 percent of fathers exhibited a preference for one child -- in most cases, it was the older one. The middle kid pays the price. So, though we may think we treat our kids equally, research shows otherwise. Be honest. Do your eyes light up with the same intensity for each of your children? That’s your test.

2. They’re overlooked and get less attention. The first child is always the big deal. The last is “our baby.” The poor middle kid feels overlooked. As a result research says they can become rebellious or our little “people pleasers” to make up for what they feel is the missed attention. Make a big deal over their trophy (even if the eldest has one too). Jump for joy that you get to see their Christmas pageant (again!) Make special time so your middle kid doesn’t feel she’s overlooked. Each child deserves his own special “firsts.”

3. They hate to be compared. One of the biggest complaints of middle children is that they say they are always compared to their older sibling. “Your older brother could do that when he was three.” “Your sister liked piano.” No fair! Tell Aunt Harriet to bite her tongue. Your cardinal parenting rule is: Never compare.

4. They hide their true feelings. Middle kids learn to not reveal their feelings. After all, the elder sibling is usually more verbal and gets our ears. So the second child often keeps things to himself. Draw her out. Keep the communication open. Ask how he’s feeling. And make the older one listen to the middle child’s ideas.

5. They get tired of playing referee. This breed is most often to be the diplomat in the family. They smooth things over and tote the family peace pipe because they hate conflicts and anger. They become fabulous little negotiators and grow up to have wonderful people skills. But right now this kid shouldn’t have to take on the role of United Nations in his home. Watch the middle child’s inclination to always smooth things over, and give in to the elder or younger siblings just to keep the peace. They can often be taken advantage of, which causes resentment and is just not fair.

6. They always get the hand me downs! Okay, every once in a while is fine. But watch those: “But the coat is perfectly fine.” “Your sister never played with the doll. It’s brand new.”

7. They follow in their siblings footsteps. Let your middle kid march to his own drum and not have to hang onto the coat tails of an older sibling. Tap into your middle’s child true potential and emphasize each child’s unique strengths and true potential. These kids are usually more creative and individualistic. Draw out their natural nature.

How our kids turn out does have a lot to do with genetics and pre-disposed temperament. But it also has to do with how they are treated by us as well as the experiences they have with their siblings. Let’s tune in a little closer to these middle children. They’ll grow up to be peacekeepers with great people skills who are not afraid to march to their own drum.

(P.S. As a mom of a middle kid let me assure you, they turn out not only fine, but plain wonderful).

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

Think steroids are for teens? Well, think again. A recent survey found that kids as young as ten (fifth graders!) are taking illegal steroids to do better in sports. And it isn’t just boys who are partaking: use among middle-school girls is almost as prevalent as it is among boys (2.8 percent of boys and 2.6 percent of girls are using). Health professionals and educators alike are alarmed -- and parents should be too. Steroids can harm the liver, stunt growth and cause a host of other long-term ailments, but young bodies are particularly vulnerable. That’s exactly why we should start talking to our kids about the dangers of steroids at a much younger age. And there is no time better than now.

If you haven’t heard, Barry Bonds just tied the home run record. This is the perfect opportunity to start up the “steroid talk” with your kids. Whether Bonds did or didn’t use muscle-building enhancers shouldn’t be the key point; instead, focus your conversation on “Should he or shouldn’t he?”

Here are a few ways to talk about steroids, along with some parenting tips to help you navigate yet another worrisome subject with your children.

*Open up the steroid dialogue. Don’t wait for your kid to come to you. “Hey Mom, can we talk about steroids?” probably isn’t going to be the reality. Open up that conversation with your child by the time he or she reaches fourth grade. Remember, fifth graders are now indulging, so get a year start. Just tailor your talk to their level. Remember, one talk isn’t going to do it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

*Use real-world events. Cut out an article about Barry Bonds and use it as your conversation opener: “Do you think he should make the Hall of Fame if they find out he took steroids?” “Do you think he knows what the long-term damage could be on his body?” “What are you friends saying?”

*Do your homework. If you want to talk steroids you better be one step ahead of your kid. Read up on the dangers so you can talk facts and knowledge. If you aren’t getting through, enlist the help of your doctor or child’s coach. Useful sites include: www.steroidabuse.org; www.usantidoping.org; www.hormone.org/learn/abuse.html.

*Discuss the health dangers. There are clear health risks that your child needs to know. Here are just a few: severe acne, loss of hair, liver abnormalities (including peliosis hepatitis or blood-filled cysts), increase in the harmful kind of cholesterol, rage, angry outbursts or uncontrolled aggressive behavior, increase in blood clots, and high blood pressure. The results really aren’t back yet on real long-term effects of steroid use — especially on young bodies.

*Look for doping signs: increased acne, a deeper voice, increased facial or body hair; more aggressive behavior, a marked change in personality, a fast increase in weight and muscle mass, a preoccupation with weights and working out.

*Monitor your computer. The majority of kids buy anabolic steroids and other so-called performance-enhancement supplements at home straight off the Internet. Set clear parameters on Internet use, and know which sites your child frequents. Many kids say that they buy drugs from local distributors at private gyms or even from youth coaches. Stay tuned to what ‘s going on in your kid’s life.

*Examine your kid’s wallet. Steroids can be pricey—even a few hundred dollars. So check that savings account for any sudden big withdrawals. Also look to brothers and sisters (and unsuspecting grandparents) as the loan sources. And monitor your credit card activity.

*Downplay appearance and popularity. Steroids can help enhance muscle definition (which is all the rage in those body-building magazines many of our kids devour), so downplay physical appearance in your home. Find ways to build your kid’s self-image from the “inside-out” so he doesn’t rely on muscle mass as his own source of personal pride.

*Share your views. Many kids actually feel their parents are accepting of steroids. Why? Well, it seems one of the biggest reasons kids take steroids is to please their parents. If you’ve been stressing over that college scholarship or focused on winning at any cost or constantly talking about how proud you are that she’s such an athlete (“The Olympics are right around the corner, darling”), then bite your tongue. Your child needs to know (and pronto) why you think steroids are wrong (think this one through carefully so you do create a strong, powerful case), and what your family values are (push the fact that this is also cheating, lying and deception).

Just as parents are the best antidotes for drugs, they are also the best hope for stopping the deadly and fast-rising trend towards steroid use. Let the media frenzy around Barry Bonds serve as your opportunity to start the steroid talk. What are you waiting for?

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.

Can’t I watch TV just one more hour?
But there’s nothing to do …. and it’s my favorite show!

School is out, books are closed, the heat is rising, and that's usually when our kids start complaining that, “There’s nothing to do!” And that's also when TV turns into “24/7 Kid Entertainment.”

While I think it’s okay for kids to watch television or movies, it’s really easy for them to fall into the TV trap of spending too much time in front of the tube. After all, it’s easy, effortless, no-brainer entertainment, and a bit addicting. Let’s admit it… it’s also easier for us. The fact is, the more kids watch that tube, the more time is lost that could be spent nurturing creativity, learning sports or hobbies, playing outdoors, practicing social skills, reading, or just finding ways to entertain and enjoy themselves. “Family connecting moments” are lost as well.

I want to take on the issue of kids and “TV” this week. The ex-teacher in me always gets concerned when I read those stats about how much TV kids watch. Case in point: Did you know that 25 percent of three-year-olds watch more than five hours of TV a day? But let’s talk about your family...

Are your kids becoming couch potatoes this summer? Are they watching that TV longer than you think is appropriate? How much TV viewing each day do you allow your kids to watch? Have you ever really stopped to track how much TV your kids do watch each day? Here’s your homework for today and tomorrow:

A Parenting Secrets Challenge:
Why not keep a diary for the next two days of your kids’ TV habits? It’s the best parenting method for finding out if you need to reform their behavior. Just keep a pen and paper near each TV and jot the number of viewing minutes, then add them up (or have your kids do the adding – it’s a great math lesson). The number may shock--or delight--you.

Let me hear your thoughts and your discoveries. Then, I'll give you parenting secrets to stop kids from becoming couch potatoes and wean them from that TV set. But meanwhile I hope you take my parent challenge! And I’d love to hear from you.

Happy summer!

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.