I’m sure you’ve heard the term, “Helicopter parents.” They are those types of parents who are always hovering—always helping—always rescuing—and always involved. In the past these were the parents who micromanaged their kids’ play dates, science fair projects, and soccer game tournaments. At high school they drove the teachers batty by hovering in at the first sign of a bad grade, making sure their kid’s schedule was stellar (with only the very best teachers), and writing those college entrance essays. At college they were first on the scene setting up their kid’s dorm room (and complaining if the roommate wasn’t the perfect fit), and even calling the university president to complain about an unfair grade.

Well, now the kiddies have graduated and they are entering the workforce in mass numbers. It seems these parent are still hovering, but from all indications, their presence is now up a level -- think “Black Hawk” mode. According to major businesses from coast to coast these parents are actually (imagine this!), attending their kids job fairs and interviews, negotiating salaries and benefit packages for their children and even demanding that the business call to let them know if their offspring got the job. And businesses are scratching their heads. What do we do with these parents? Many are (to my chagrin) actually changing their long-standing practices to send notices of hiring intent to the parents as well as the kids.

If you haven’t figured out my take on this by now, let me clarify my position: I think it is over-the-top parenting. This isn’t mentoring but meddlesome, and over the next few days I want to spell out why this is not only wrong, but how it can rob kids of self-reliance -- which is exactly what they need at this point in their grown-up lives.

So what’s your position? Do you see this as helpful or hurtful? And (most important here), do you see yourself as a helicopter parent?

Michele Borba

Michele's latest book is 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know: Getting Back to Basics and Raising Happy Kids.

Here’s your parenting task: Imagine that your child is now a grown-up (which is defined by most psychologists as at least twenty-one years old). I realize that for some of you this is easy – your offspring is already a full-grown critter, while others are still trying to get through the diapering and burping stage. But your child’s current age really isn’t the issue. I want you to focus instead on your parenting style and how you think you would respond, so just bear with me.

Now pretend that your grown kid is searching for his first full-time job. School is over, the next phase of life has begun. Be honest. Which of the following behaviors would you be most likely to do? (You can choose as many as you’d like).

a. Write your kid’s resume to help him secure a job.
b. Accompany him or her to a job fair or interview
c. Call a prospective employer on your kid’s behalf
d. Admonish your kid not to accept an offer without consulting you
e. Negotiate your kid’s salary or benefit package
f. Call the business on your kid’s behalf if he did not get a job

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, you fit a growing category of boomer parents called “Helicoper Parent.” And those are the exact behaviors those parents are displaying.

The term “Helicopter Parent” used to apply to moms and dads of school-age offspring who did their kid’s homework and science fair projects; at high school these parents filled out their kid’s college applications and lambasted administrators about their kid’s “unfair grades”; at college they called university presidents to complain about their kid's roommates (and “unfair grades”). Well, the Y Generation offspring are now college graduates and entering the work force. And it seems their parents are still hovering, but this time around their kid's possible employers.
But is it right to continue micromanaging your grown child’s life?

When should a parent back off and let the child grow up? And how healthy is such overinvolved parenting to our kids? What do the kids say? And why do parents keep hovering?

What do you think? Do you think this is healthy and productive to our kids? Where does your parenting views fit in the mix?

I’ll be discussing this new parenting trend (which appears to be widespread throughout North America), on the Today Show this coming Tuesday, May 21 in the 8:00 am hour. And I’ll also let you know exactly how I feel about Helicopter Parents.

Okay, I confess: anytime a survey about motherhood is released I’m one of those types that devours the results. I’m always looking to see if there really (I mean really) will be any scintillating new revelations about “Mommying.” And I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. More times than not, I find the same old findings just tweaked a bit to appear earth shaking and new. So when iVillage published their Motherhood Survey of hundreds of moms this week I was more than pleasantly surprised. There really were fresh and interesting findings—and a few that might even surprise you.

Here are just a few fascinating tidbits gathered by the largest community of women online that garnered my attention:

• Moms today find it nearly twice as difficult to teach their children about financial discipline that about the birds and bees. Talk about a flip-flop! I’d bet anything just a few decades back June Clever would have responded the dead opposite. Just bringing up the “sex” topic would have made her--and probably most of our own moms—blush. This is good news! It means we are more open with our kids about subjects that many of our moms would have saved until our wedding night. It’s also interesting to think why it’s so hard to discuss financial discipline with our kids. Could it be because it’s a more materialistic world or we’re having a tough time reining in our own spending urges?

• Moms (64%) also felt that religion/spirituality was the easiest value to teach their children, easier than “the value of education “(62%), morality (52%) and healthy living (46%).

• A huge percentage of moms (75%) feel a stronger connection to their friends than to their own children. This one really caught me off guard? Why do we feel more comfortable talking about the birds and bees to our kids, but we still feel more connected with our girlfriends?

• Only a little more than half (61%) of all women say they feel very connected to their spouse or partner. This one concerns me. I know the balance act is tough and we’re juggling a lot, but putting our marriages on the backburner certainly can’t be helpful or healthy. If there were any word advice here it would be: Date your husband, ladies! If you can’t go out, rent a video and let that be a movie night, but don’t take for granted your relationship.

• 79% of Moms feel guilty and don’t think they’re doing a “good-enough” job with their kids. This one should be no surprise. After all, “Motherhood” and “Guilt” just seem to go hand in hand. But what will it take for us to realize mothering isn’t a contest?

•74% of women agree that today’s mothers have it harder than previous generations despite all those work-life balance programs in companies and technology that allows families to stay closely connected. (I agree with this one. All this technology is just making me a genius at multi-tasking!)

The truth is for the most part we really are doing a “good-enough” job. In fact, just two months ago a University of Maryland study found that we actually spend four more hours each week directly involved with our kids than our own mothers. The iVillage survey found a similar result:

• Most Moms (61%) agree that we spend more time with our children than our mothers.

We really are doing much better than we give ourselves credit for. In fact, when is the last time you took a minute or two to think of things that are going well for your family? In fact, there’s nothing better than the present. Take out a piece of paper. Pick up a pen. Start making yourself a list of all the things you feel good about. Then pin it to your mirror to remind yourself everyday.

Happy Mother’s Day!