Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com
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You see your child take a candy bar from the store and put it in her pocket. You notice your daughter playing with a Barbie that you told her she couldn’t buy at the store. You find a video game in your son’s closet, and know it doesn’t belong to him.
The one behavior that’s guaranteed to shake up even the calmest parent is discovering that your kid has stolen something. Be assured that stealing is far more common than you might realize, especially amongst the younger set with a still-flimsy grasp of ownership. Around five and seven is when kids usually understand the hurtful effects of stealing. Once kids realize that stealing violates someone’s rights and can result in serious legal action against them, the problem becomes more serious. And stealing has become a troubling new youth trend:
One in four kids shoplift and a TIME/CNN survey of 9 to 14 years olds found that 36% feel pressure from peers to do so.
A survey of 20,000 middle school and high school students found that almost half of all respondents admit stealing something from a store in the previous 12 months
More than a quarter of high school students said they had committed store theft at least two times.
Storeowners tell me shoplifting is so common that they have had to install security cameras and hire guards—and youths are always the biggest offenders. Malls across the country are now demanding parents accompany their kids to try and curtail the problem. Libraries are installing pricey security systems to detect book theft because it is so rampant. Principals complain one of the biggest discipline issues is dealing with students who are stealing from one another. (Hint on this one: Tell your kid to leave those pricey electronic gadgets at home!)
Police officers also say that summer (when kids have free time on their hands) is when shoplifting increases – and especially when there is an economic crunch. Though don’t be fooled. Research shows that most kids don’t steal out of financial need or greed. They have more than they could ever need or want.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of meeting Judy Whalen at a conference. This passionate lady is on a mission to turn this troubling trend around. Her website, shopliftingisstealing.com offers great tips for parents and educators. Here are a few of Judy’s warning signs that your child—or his friends--may be shoplifting:
Though stealing is a common childhood problem it should never be allowed. Have you talked to your child? If not, make an appointment! Don’t be caught off guard! One in four kids shoplifts!
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
The one behavior that’s guaranteed to shake up even the calmest parent is discovering that your kid has stolen something. Be assured that stealing is far more common than you might realize, especially amongst the younger set with a still-flimsy grasp of ownership. Around five and seven is when kids usually understand the hurtful effects of stealing. Once kids realize that stealing violates someone’s rights and can result in serious legal action against them, the problem becomes more serious. And stealing has become a troubling new youth trend:
One in four kids shoplift and a TIME/CNN survey of 9 to 14 years olds found that 36% feel pressure from peers to do so.
A survey of 20,000 middle school and high school students found that almost half of all respondents admit stealing something from a store in the previous 12 months
More than a quarter of high school students said they had committed store theft at least two times.
Storeowners tell me shoplifting is so common that they have had to install security cameras and hire guards—and youths are always the biggest offenders. Malls across the country are now demanding parents accompany their kids to try and curtail the problem. Libraries are installing pricey security systems to detect book theft because it is so rampant. Principals complain one of the biggest discipline issues is dealing with students who are stealing from one another. (Hint on this one: Tell your kid to leave those pricey electronic gadgets at home!)
Police officers also say that summer (when kids have free time on their hands) is when shoplifting increases – and especially when there is an economic crunch. Though don’t be fooled. Research shows that most kids don’t steal out of financial need or greed. They have more than they could ever need or want.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of meeting Judy Whalen at a conference. This passionate lady is on a mission to turn this troubling trend around. Her website, shopliftingisstealing.com offers great tips for parents and educators. Here are a few of Judy’s warning signs that your child—or his friends--may be shoplifting:
- Price tags or package wrapping are hidden in the trash.
- Goods show up in your house that you do not remember purchasing or your child has clothes or electronic items that you know he didn’t have the money to buy.
- Your child gives pricey gifts to friends or you and is secretive about extra income they get.
- Your child leaves the house with an empty backpack or wears baggy clothes or puts on a jacket when it’s warm outside (which could be indicative of another problem).
- Money or property begins disappearing from family members.
Though stealing is a common childhood problem it should never be allowed. Have you talked to your child? If not, make an appointment! Don’t be caught off guard! One in four kids shoplifts!
Get more info from TODAY on iVillage.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
My name is Jackie and I watch my two-year-old nephew during the day. He's like any two-year-old and curious about everything, especially the cat box. *eww* He throws toys into the cat box and it's like a magnet for him. Whenever anyone is downstairs on the computer and he's downstairs as well he's automatically drawn to the cat box. When I tell him to stop playing with the cat box he gets angry and hits me sometimes bites, too. What is the best ways to handle these issues?
Hello Jackie! Welcome to the Terrible Twos. Now you know how the term evolved. Here's the quick points on discipline a two-year-old:
You're dealing with a caveman mentality. Lectures and pleading don't work. Time out rarely works under three years of age because they don't grasp the consequence of their behavior. Their language and their cognitive development is also limited so they're not going to understand if you try to reason with them. Two-year-olds are also quick and impulsive. (You figured that one, eh? Twos and threes are actually the most aggressive and impulsive times ever in our lives.) They don't have that inner regulatory system so they stop and calm down on their own, which means you are the one to help them. Two-years-olds are also loving, into everything, want to please you desperately, and just don't get what you're trying to tell them. So what works?
Distraction. When you know he's headed for something that is off limits, you head em off: "Look at the birdie!"
Removal of the appealing item. Out of sight, out of mind. Move the cat litter box! Put it in the bathroom and close the door. Or put a box in front of it so your nephew can't see it.
Get him his own sandbox. No kidding. A small little tub of sand or water (which are the two mediums little kids crave. Give him a couple pots and pans and voila! He's a happy camper.
And remember-- always be calm.
Just know that there usually is the "skip a terror" principle. Usually the year following the tough year is an easier one... hope so with your nephew!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
My name is Jackie and I watch my two-year-old nephew during the day. He's like any two-year-old and curious about everything, especially the cat box. *eww* He throws toys into the cat box and it's like a magnet for him. Whenever anyone is downstairs on the computer and he's downstairs as well he's automatically drawn to the cat box. When I tell him to stop playing with the cat box he gets angry and hits me sometimes bites, too. What is the best ways to handle these issues?
Hello Jackie! Welcome to the Terrible Twos. Now you know how the term evolved. Here's the quick points on discipline a two-year-old:You're dealing with a caveman mentality. Lectures and pleading don't work. Time out rarely works under three years of age because they don't grasp the consequence of their behavior. Their language and their cognitive development is also limited so they're not going to understand if you try to reason with them. Two-year-olds are also quick and impulsive. (You figured that one, eh? Twos and threes are actually the most aggressive and impulsive times ever in our lives.) They don't have that inner regulatory system so they stop and calm down on their own, which means you are the one to help them. Two-years-olds are also loving, into everything, want to please you desperately, and just don't get what you're trying to tell them. So what works?
Distraction. When you know he's headed for something that is off limits, you head em off: "Look at the birdie!"
Removal of the appealing item. Out of sight, out of mind. Move the cat litter box! Put it in the bathroom and close the door. Or put a box in front of it so your nephew can't see it.
Get him his own sandbox. No kidding. A small little tub of sand or water (which are the two mediums little kids crave. Give him a couple pots and pans and voila! He's a happy camper.
And remember-- always be calm.
Just know that there usually is the "skip a terror" principle. Usually the year following the tough year is an easier one... hope so with your nephew!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Well ladies, the data is in and it appears that American moms aren’t faring so well. Oh, we’re doing just fine in our mothering... Our kids adore us and choose us as the person they admire most. Their test scores are up, and spending time with us is what makes them the happiest. What we are flunking is a critical subject: “How to take care of ourselves.” This should come as little surprise, but a whopping 96% of moms feel they are far more stressed than their own mothers. Reports say moms today are constantly sleep-deprived, caffeine addicted, chronically fatigued, and lonely.
Watch the segment from TODAY
So what’s causing this new Lonely Mother’s Club trend? Here are a few changes over these last years that have reduced our crucial mommy support systems, leaving us feeling more alone and stressed:
The truth is we devote so much time to our families, we forget to take time for our social needs. Sure, we love to be with our men and our kids, but we also need women companionship. Girlfriends really help reduce our stress, restore balance and serve as the support system we need to reduce our loneliness. Think of these women as your Momtourage. Best yet, joining other mothers can also save you money and time!
- Moms working at home. More moms work at home to be with kids, but there goes the co-workers
- Single moms. 4 in 10 moms are “single” parents; 36% of all births are from unmarried women
- Divorce. 1 in 2 kids will live with a single-parent family at some point in their childhood
- Military deployment. More parenting partners are now deployed than in last 40 years
- Time. We spend more time per week with kids: 14.1 hours in 2007 vs. 10.2 hours in 1965
- Working dads. Longer hours away, business travel
- Mobility. “The job search” uproots families further away from grandparents and relatives
- Crunched economy. Moms cut back as finances get tighter
- Less female support. At the end of the 19th century nearly 50% of mothers lived with another female, such as a mother or sister, who helped with housework and child rearing. That number is now down to 20%.
The truth is we devote so much time to our families, we forget to take time for our social needs. Sure, we love to be with our men and our kids, but we also need women companionship. Girlfriends really help reduce our stress, restore balance and serve as the support system we need to reduce our loneliness. Think of these women as your Momtourage. Best yet, joining other mothers can also save you money and time!
Continue reading Are You A Lonely Mom? Time To Start A Momtourage.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I'm concerned about all of the idealized images of women in the media and I'm wondering how best to raise my daughter with a healthy body image and a strong sense of self esteem before she hits her tween years... Is there any practical advice you can provide or a resource available to help encourage daughters to avoid being influenced by idealized celebrity and model images, especially considering how much more they're being inundated by them these days? Thanks!
I am so concerned about our girls' quest for a picture perfect look. With today's epidemic of "celebrititis" their quest is escalating to the "dangerously unhealthy" level. Size 0. Pencil-thin models. Celebrity after celebrity flaunted for being so "perfect" because they are so "small." And it is doing a number on their emotional as well as physical health. We are seeing a sharp increase in eating disorders, depression, stress and unhealthy perfectionism---and at YOUNGER AND YOUNGER AGE.
This statistic should shake us up: 80% of ten-year-old girls say they're afraid of being fat. Most said they felt better about themselves when they are dieting. Eating disorders are now being diagnosed in girls in the FIRST GRADE. And our sons are being diagnosed with eating disorders as well.
So here are six tips to turn this troubling trend around:
1. Downsize appearance. The key is to make sure you don't just talk it, but walk it as well. Talk up healthier female role models, where you emphasize their hearts and minds and not their dress size. They can be out there in celebrityville, but they also can be the woman next door.
2. Praise what you can't see. Praise does impact self-esteem; if issued correctly. New studies from Stanford University tell us the biggest mistakes we make are lavishing it when it's unearned and not nurturing those "inside-out" qualities. So deliberately look for virtues, inner strengths, talents and glorious qualities your daughter possesses (her kindness, stamina, patience, artistic sense or creative outlook) and keep emphasizing those same traits. In fact, you're better to emphasize the same ONE- no more than TWO qualities- for about three weeks. New self-images take a minimum of 21 days to start, so keep repeating the same inside qualities.
3. Curb your tongue. There's a number of studies that show a direct correlation to what we say and the rise of eating disorders (or the "quest to be super-thin"). Watch your words. "She looks soooooo thin!" "I wonder what diet she's on?" "She must be a size 2!!!!" Our kids are listening. (And also watching your actions!)
4. Put away the scale. New research finds that when we pull out those scales and encourage our kids to weigh themselves it backfires big time. Don't emphasize calories and WEIGHT (or dress size). Instead talk about healthier foods and good choices. Emphasize healthy exercise and balanced lifestyles (Hmmm...we all should work on that one).
5. Watch out for negative body image thinking. That's a mouth full but it's crucial for parents to understand. New research on 12 to 15-year-olds found that how girls view their body (those views are based on all those images of celebrities as well as the words they hear and see) develops into negative thinking habits. If those negative thoughts are not countered or turned around they will dramatically impact our daughters' self-esteem and increase their potential for developing eating disorders. The trick is to change the negative thoughts of our girls about their body image.
6. Get a copy of Picture Perfect. You asked for a good resource to help your raise your daughter from the inside out. The best one I've seen is called Picture Perfect: What You Need to Feel Better About Your Body by Jill Zimmerman Rutledge. What's great about this book is that it helps girls learn to catch their negative thoughts and develop healthier images about their body. It also helps the girl develop her own "Special Statement" to counter the negative thoughts and stories of girls who struggle with poor body image issues, worry about their appearance or wealth. And it's written so your daughter can read it herself!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
I'm concerned about all of the idealized images of women in the media and I'm wondering how best to raise my daughter with a healthy body image and a strong sense of self esteem before she hits her tween years... Is there any practical advice you can provide or a resource available to help encourage daughters to avoid being influenced by idealized celebrity and model images, especially considering how much more they're being inundated by them these days? Thanks! I am so concerned about our girls' quest for a picture perfect look. With today's epidemic of "celebrititis" their quest is escalating to the "dangerously unhealthy" level. Size 0. Pencil-thin models. Celebrity after celebrity flaunted for being so "perfect" because they are so "small." And it is doing a number on their emotional as well as physical health. We are seeing a sharp increase in eating disorders, depression, stress and unhealthy perfectionism---and at YOUNGER AND YOUNGER AGE. This statistic should shake us up: 80% of ten-year-old girls say they're afraid of being fat. Most said they felt better about themselves when they are dieting. Eating disorders are now being diagnosed in girls in the FIRST GRADE. And our sons are being diagnosed with eating disorders as well.
So here are six tips to turn this troubling trend around:
1. Downsize appearance. The key is to make sure you don't just talk it, but walk it as well. Talk up healthier female role models, where you emphasize their hearts and minds and not their dress size. They can be out there in celebrityville, but they also can be the woman next door.
2. Praise what you can't see. Praise does impact self-esteem; if issued correctly. New studies from Stanford University tell us the biggest mistakes we make are lavishing it when it's unearned and not nurturing those "inside-out" qualities. So deliberately look for virtues, inner strengths, talents and glorious qualities your daughter possesses (her kindness, stamina, patience, artistic sense or creative outlook) and keep emphasizing those same traits. In fact, you're better to emphasize the same ONE- no more than TWO qualities- for about three weeks. New self-images take a minimum of 21 days to start, so keep repeating the same inside qualities.
3. Curb your tongue. There's a number of studies that show a direct correlation to what we say and the rise of eating disorders (or the "quest to be super-thin"). Watch your words. "She looks soooooo thin!" "I wonder what diet she's on?" "She must be a size 2!!!!" Our kids are listening. (And also watching your actions!)
4. Put away the scale. New research finds that when we pull out those scales and encourage our kids to weigh themselves it backfires big time. Don't emphasize calories and WEIGHT (or dress size). Instead talk about healthier foods and good choices. Emphasize healthy exercise and balanced lifestyles (Hmmm...we all should work on that one).
5. Watch out for negative body image thinking. That's a mouth full but it's crucial for parents to understand. New research on 12 to 15-year-olds found that how girls view their body (those views are based on all those images of celebrities as well as the words they hear and see) develops into negative thinking habits. If those negative thoughts are not countered or turned around they will dramatically impact our daughters' self-esteem and increase their potential for developing eating disorders. The trick is to change the negative thoughts of our girls about their body image.
6. Get a copy of Picture Perfect. You asked for a good resource to help your raise your daughter from the inside out. The best one I've seen is called Picture Perfect: What You Need to Feel Better About Your Body by Jill Zimmerman Rutledge. What's great about this book is that it helps girls learn to catch their negative thoughts and develop healthier images about their body. It also helps the girl develop her own "Special Statement" to counter the negative thoughts and stories of girls who struggle with poor body image issues, worry about their appearance or wealth. And it's written so your daughter can read it herself!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Seven Tips to Help Lower Those Teen Pregnancy Stats
Well, well. It now appears that there may not have been a pregnancy pact after all among the teens at Gloucester High School. In case you missed the news 17 young teens at the small Massachusetts high school allegedly made a pact to get pregnant and then help raise each other’s babies. But don’t feel too relieved just yet. Pact or not, there’s a point we can’t overlook. Those 17 unwed pregnant girls are not alone.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals that for the first time in 15 years teen pregnancy is back on the rise for girls 15 to 17. 1 Each day more than 2000 of our American daughters become pregnant. And one in four girls aged 15 to19 has a sexually transmitted infection.
Whether you are raising your children in Portland, Manhattan, Sacramento, Iowa, or Gloucester, the statistics about kids are the same. That’s why it’s crucial that we learn from this story. Two thirds of our kids have had sex before they graduate from high school.
Here are seven parenting secrets that research shows will help reduce those odds:
1CDC 3 percent in 2006 for girls ages 15 to17. N. Gibbs, “Give the Gloucester Girls a Break, Time, Jun 25, 2008.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
Well, well. It now appears that there may not have been a pregnancy pact after all among the teens at Gloucester High School. In case you missed the news 17 young teens at the small Massachusetts high school allegedly made a pact to get pregnant and then help raise each other’s babies. But don’t feel too relieved just yet. Pact or not, there’s a point we can’t overlook. Those 17 unwed pregnant girls are not alone.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals that for the first time in 15 years teen pregnancy is back on the rise for girls 15 to 17. 1 Each day more than 2000 of our American daughters become pregnant. And one in four girls aged 15 to19 has a sexually transmitted infection.
Whether you are raising your children in Portland, Manhattan, Sacramento, Iowa, or Gloucester, the statistics about kids are the same. That’s why it’s crucial that we learn from this story. Two thirds of our kids have had sex before they graduate from high school.
Here are seven parenting secrets that research shows will help reduce those odds:
- Start the sex talk early. And I do mean EARLY—like by the age of two or three. Relax, I’m not suggesting you talk about the birds and the bees, but just use correct names for body parts such as “penis” and “vagina.” Here’s why: Many parents say they don’t feel comfortable having the big crucial sex talk with their older kids, and you must have that talk. So, get comfortable by using those terms with your toddler now and those tougher topics will be far easier later. (Besides, why call a penis a cute little term like “pee-pee” when we don’t say “toe-toe” or “elbowy"?)
- Stress your values! Most kids these days understand the dynamics of sex just fine, thank you. (Ask them---they’ll give you a few pointers!) What our kids are missing are the lessons about values and strong sexual feelings. So talk, talk and talk again about your family values so your child has something to believe in. Give your son or daughter the reason to wait and why it’s okay to say, "no". Stress the aspect of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. in relationships and that sex comes with big responsibilities.
- Be a “hands-on” parent. Research conclusively shows the best way to reduce risky teen behavior is by staying involved and being a “hands-on” parent. Monitor their coming and goings. Set curfews. Know their friends and befriend their pals. Stress your expectations on what media they consume. And do not be afraid to say no!
- Monitor your home. A little word to the wise: Teens are most likely to have their first sexual encounter in your home. Be there when your teen has friends over, and most especially so if your teen brings home her dating partner. Get to know her boyfriend. And make that bedroom off limits to entertaining!
- Counter the Hollywood glamorization of pregnancy. From Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears to magazines covered with picture perfect young celebrity moms touting babes to the blockbuster movies Juno and Knocked Up. This is the year Hollywood glamorized teen pregnancy. What kids miss is the exhaustion, croup, sleepless nights, and financial hardships of parenting. They also never see that those celebs have at their disposal an entourage of nannies, cooks, personal managers and endless bank accounts. Point out those mixed Hollywood messages and add in the missing pieces of responsibility and sacrifice that comes with parenthood.
- Keep talking. One talk isn’t going to do it. So continue talking and listening and talking. Find ways to bring up conversations about sex. Throw in $100 a month for diapers. $125 for baby formula. $175 a month for new baby clothes. Or the $197,700 it costs to raise a kid these days. And if that doesn’t do it—ask a mother to lend her baby to your child to watch for a weekend. Instant birth control!
- Give your child a sense of future. Get your child involved in his school. Tell him to study! From an early age, talk to your child about growing up, leaving home and working. Stress your expectations for their education. The truth is the more involved a child is in school the less likely they are to engage in risky behaviors.
1CDC 3 percent in 2006 for girls ages 15 to17. N. Gibbs, “Give the Gloucester Girls a Break, Time, Jun 25, 2008.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
