Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com

Any new social scene can be really tough. Having all new classmates, joining a brand-new group of kids on a soccer team, transferring to a new school, going away to camp alone and most of all moving isn't easy. And oh how kids can pour on the guilt to remind us they're not happy campers: "You're ruining my life!" "Why do I have to go to this new school?" "Why can't we move back to our old neighborhood? Do you have any idea how unhappy you made me?"

Knowing that our kids are lonely, feel left out, and desperately miss their old group is tough. As much as we'd love to, we can't instantly wipe away our their pain because their best friends are left behind and they can't fit in with the new crowd. But we can ease their discomfort by making the transition a bit smoother. We can help them find ways to make new friends. And we even can teach them new friendship making skills that actually may be ones they can use in other social arenas. So think positively, and stay focused on what you can do to boost your child's friendship quotient and get him through this tough time. Here are a few parenting solutions to help your child get started fitting into any new social scene.

Acknowledge feelings. If your child doesn't share her feelings, you can help her recognize how she feels: "You must be feeling lonely and miss your old group." "I can you're worried." It's tough to join a new team when you don't any of the kids. Let her know such feelings are normal.

Be reassuring. "It may take time to meet new kids and make new friends. Many of these kids have been friends with one another for quite a while, and may not be too receptive to a new person joining in." "Remember way back when you didn't know anybody--even Kevin, and then you became great friends. It will take time, but you'll make new friends just like you did at our other home."

Become acquainted with other parents. Be a room parent, offer to carpool, sign up to coach, be the team mom, meet other camper parents, and attend PTA meetings and other school functions. Getting to know parents of your child's potential friends is often a great way to invite the families over, giving your child the opportunity to have a new playmate. Also, introduce yourself to the neighbors: sometimes our kid's best friends can be literally next door. Find out who amongst your work colleagues has children: it's a way to learn not only about available kid activities, but also to arrange play dates for younger children (or find a babysitter!).

After all the test taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring, and acceptance waiting, the big event is almost here: Dropping teens off at college. You'd think that would be the easy part, but move-in day on college campuses is actually a high anxiety, emotionally draining affair (so says the voice of experience! Believe me, you're never prepared enough.) There are boxes to unload, roommates to meet, dorms to find. And there's also that final moment when you know you have to say goodbye to your child who may be leaving home for the first time.

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Here are a few strategies to give your college bound freshman a positive send off the right way...

1. Be Prepared. Letting go is going to be different than you expected and far more emotionally charged. After all, we've been so involved in our kids' lives and have been determined to give them the best. And frankly this is a huge economic investment. So recognize your feelings and sort out your emotions before the big departure. This is the time to use restraint. It's probably best not to say, "What am I going to do without you?"

2. Have the Significant Talk Before the Drop Off. Don't count on having a momentous goodbye once you get to campus. The day is guaranteed to be hectic and stressful and not the best time to air your list of parental concerns. Instead have the meaningful talk or one last big lecture to discuss those things that could become areas of contention a few days before you leave home. You might want to make a list of things you want to discuss: Financial matters (like spending money and that credit card); your expectations; how you'll stay in touch; when you'll see each other next; and those safety issues like binge drinking and date rape (most parents say safety is their biggest concern). A prior talk (if you think it is needed) will let you and your kid focus on move-in day and have a more positive departure.

3. Simplify the Move. Most kids are embarrassed pulling up in a big moving van. So think of boxes that are easy to pack (and throw away). Or a wardrobe already on hangers that can quickly be put into the closet. Bring a few things in one box you know your kid will not have packed: a First-aid care package (plastic container with bandages, gauze, adhesive tape, antibiotic ointment, an ice pack, thermometer, medicines for upset stomach, headache, cold or flu, sore throat lozenges or spray), a just-in-case phone card, a surprise batch of homemade cookies or nibbles for the dorm.

I don't know about you, but I'm suffering from a bad case of only what I can call "Shudder Syndrome", and it seems to be worsening. It's a relatively new ailment, but it always materializes when I read those disturbing statistics about young girls. I'm sure you know the ones about anorexia, depression, cutting, date rape, binge drinking, aggression, and bulimia. The list goes on and on. The minute I hear one, my ailment flares up: it always starts with a bad feeling deep down, and then my whole body just shudders. There has to be other parents like me who are shaking with worry. And I'm the mom of three boys! I can only imagine your symptoms if you're raising daughters. This is scary stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that our girls are doomed. And certainly boys have their own share of problems as well. I'm just saying we need to keep a closer eye on those trends and realize leading experts are concerned about the young female gender (and with quite valid reasons). We are seeing a rise in depression, eating disorders and low self-esteem. Most experts agree that it's due to continual negative messages that happiness comes from the outside (being a particular dress size, wearing designer labels, or getting liposuction or breast implants (I kid you not. The increase of plastic surgery among young women is frightening!) Robbed is that great notion that real happiness comes from the inside.

So how do we counter those constant negative media continually bombard our girls? How do we help young girls realize that there are other ways to be happy than by being rich, famous, or pencil-thin? What are ways for parents to help their daughters learn to feel comfortable in their own skin without having to copy "the look" of this week's Hollywood idol? And just how do we turn these troubling trends around and help our girls grow to be strong, confident and happy?

Ramirez and Ortiz Join the Steroid-User Club

REALITY CHECK: Think steroids are for teens? Well, think again. A recent survey found that kids as young as ten (fifth graders!) are taking illegal steroids to do better in sports. And it isn't just boys who are partaking: use among middle-school girls is almost as prevalent as it is among boys (2.8 percent of boys and 2.6 percent of girls). One CNN report found that up to 7 percent of middle school girls-some as young as nine years of age-admit to using anabolic steroids as a way to lose weight. Health professionals and educators alike are alarmed, but so too should parents.

If you haven't heard, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz just joined the Baseball Hall of Shame for testing positive for using performance-enhancing drugs. They are among the 100 players that tested positive for steroids in 2003. And sports announcers caution that this issue will not go away-more announcements are yet to come.

Steroids can harm the liver, stunt growth and cause a host of other long-term ailments, but these young bodies particularly vulnerable. That's exactly why we should start talking to our kids about the dangers of steroids at a much younger age. And there is no time better than now. It's hard to read a news story these days that doesn't list yet another a pro baseball players, wrestlers, swimmers, runners, bikers found guilt of abusing performance enhancing drugs.

Do know these tainted-athletes do impact our children's beliefs and behavior. One teen survey found that 57 percent admitted that professional athletes influenced their decision to use the drugs and 63 percent of kids said pro athletes influenced their friends' decisions to use them. Recognize that your kid's sport hero may be influence his decisions.

Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered.

I'm starting back to work a couple days a week and I'm in a panic. My toddler clings and cries so hard when I leave just to go to the grocery store that breaks my heart. Is there anyway to help my daughter feel more secure now? Thank you!  --Susan M., from Reno Nevada


Leaving our children when we know they feel insecure is heartbreaking. But there are solutions you can do now to help ease the pain and help your toddler feel more secure in your absence. The key is to slowly start implementing these tips way several weeks before you have to finally go back to work. The first tip is to make sure your child has a security object of some type.

Here are a few tips to help you help your toddler feel more secure in your absence:

Step 1. PREPARE YOUR TODDLER FOR SHORT GOODBYES

Provide a "lovey." Give a security blanket, cuddly stuffed animal or some kind of "security substitute" for your baby to use in your absence. It is a way for your toddler to soothe herself when you're not there.

Create secure transitions. Start several weeks before you leave by practicing good-byes with your toddler. Start with just saying goodbye when it's just the two of you. Then just leave a bit to go to the next room and pop back in with a big hello. Your baby will begin to realize "Mommy does return."

Mom and Dad, wake up: If you assume your child is using that fancy home computer to stimulate his brain, think again. The hottest new trend has kids using those keyboards to send vile, hateful and highly slanderous messages about their peers through the Internet. Once confined to playgrounds, bullying has hit cyberspace, cell phones and pagers, and it's both serious and sophisticated. So how do you protect your child from cyberbullying?

The first step is for parents to be aware of just how prevalent cyberbullying is these days. Where we once thought we just had to protect children from adult predators using the Internet, we now need to shield kids from one another.

Cyberbullying is most common around the middle school years, but is making its way into the younger set. Kids now a days are electronically savvy, but make no mistake: the behavior is all about intentionally causing another pain (bullying), and parents must be far more vigilante. The two biggest mistakes adults make is not taking children's complaints seriously, and allowing bullying in the first place.

There are some specific ways to protect kids from bullying both in cyberspace and on the playground. Parents today need a closer "electronic leash" on their kids and need to be more tuned into the cyberspace trend. This isn't about being controlling-this is good parenting. And the good news is that a recent study found that teaching children about unsafe online behavior and cyberbullying can actually reduce the impact.

Parents do make a difference! So here are solutions to start educating both you and your child about cyberbullying or if your child is cyberbullied.

We're always known that laughter makes the home a happier place. But did you also know that studies have found that humor also ranks among the top qualities children value in their parents? The fact is kids do appreciate us when we're less-stressed and with a sense of humor. What better way to create happy family memories than by putting a little more laughter in your home? So how's your humor quotient, Mom? When is the last time you belted out a great laugh with your kids? Here are nine solutions to inject a little more fun in your home.

1. Start on a happy note. How's your morning? The tone you set can make or break the day. If things are tense, then find what's causing the major stress (you can't find the keys, the backpack, the homework notes). Now get organized with a hook in the door for the keys or a basket on the step for kids to throw their backpacks; set out lunch money the night before; plan an easier way to do breakfast-even have one kid set the table the night before.

2. Hold a nightly giggle (or other fun tradition). My husband started this tradition when he came home from work each night with our three sons who were three, five and seven. After their hugs they'd run to the end of a long hallway. My husband would yell "Giggle Monster!" and each boy would run as fast as he could into my husband's arms for huge hugs and tickles and giggles. Start your own nighttime family ritual.

3. Read the Sunday comics together (or at least the funniest ones). Make a tradition of saving the favorite Sunday comics to read together.

4. Start a cartoon bulletin board. Cut out those cartoons, print out those funny emails and put them up on the refrigerator with magnets. Some moms even slip copies of jokes in their kids' bag lunches or tape them on bathroom mirrors, or on their kids' doors.

Of course we want our kids to succeed. And how we hate it when they fail. But the truth is life isn't a bed of roses. Our kids will fail and suffer disappointments. An important parenting secret is helping our children learn how to bounce back from defeat and disappointments, and how we respond when they do does make a difference in how they learn to cope. Unfortunately all too many kids cut short their opportunities for success because they give up at the first sign of difficulty. If they see errors as indications that they are failures, eventually they are likely to stop trying. And so one of the most common questions parents ask is: "What's the best way to respond when my child makes a mistake?"

Here are nine, noncritical ways to respond to your child's error from my upcoming book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. (The most important parenting solution is the one listed ninth.)

1. Offer support only when needed. "I'm here for you if you need help" -- but avoid the temptation to do the task for your child. Your child needs to build confidence that he can figure out the problem for himself.

2. Help your child see that mistakes are chances to learn. Ask, "What did you learn so that you won't make the same mistake again?"

3. Stay nonjudgmental and help your child focus on what she's trying to achieve. Don't criticize, but do calmly ask, "How did you want this to turn out?"

4. Help your child recognize that you believe he can succeed in his efforts. Say, "I know you can do it. Hang in there."

5. Fight the temptation to say, "I knew that would happen" or "I told you so." Instead try saying, "That's interesting" or "That wasn't what you had in mind, was it?"

6. Let your child watch you do the task again and again. Some children need to learn "by seeing" how to do the task correctly instead of hearing you tell them how to do it right.

7. Don't yell, shame, criticize, judge, blame, or ridicule. Nobody (especially children!) likes to make mistakes, and everybody hates to be reminded of making them.

8. Teach your child an affirmation to bounce back. Select one phrase such as--"It doesn't have to be perfect." or "It's OK to make a mistake." or "Everybody makes mistakes."--and then help your child practice saying it out loud several times for a few days. The more often she sees and hears it, the greater the chance she will remember to use it to encourage her to bounce back when she errors.

9. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm! I know that sounds easier than it is, but the truth is our kids are watching our responses. How we act when our kids fail is often more important than what we say. So take a deep breath, Mom. See that failure as a learning opportunity.


Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

What parent doesn't hope their kids achieve and do well in life? But how do you know when you're pushing your kids too much? How do you tell when your expectations are unrealistic or just plain not right for your children? A big secret of good parenting is to know how to set expectations that gently stretch your children's abilities without snapping their spirits. To make sure your expectations are ones that stretch your children's potential without unintentionally zapping their self-worth ask yourself these four questions:

Are my expectations:

1. Developmentally Appropriate. Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I'm requiring or am I pushing him beyond his internal timetable? Learn what's appropriate for your child's age, but still keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. It's always best to start from where your child is.

2. Realistic. Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Be careful of setting too high of standards. Putting your child in situations that are too difficult, puts him in the risk of failing and lowering his feelings of competence.

3. Child Oriented. Is what I'm expecting something my child wants, or is it something I want more for myself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to constantly be wary of setting goals for our kids that are our dreams, and not those of our kids.

4. Success Oriented. Am I sending the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe he's responsible, reliable, and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best, so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves. Is that accelerated class too hard? Is the soccer coach too demanding? Are you too critical of his grades? Is that clique you've encouraged your kid to join too upscale? Talk to your spouse, the teacher, or your best friend to help you score yourself.

"Mooooommmm, Jacob's touching me!"
"Can't we give Jennifer away?"
"I hate my brother!"
"Why can't Sara find her own friends?"

Ahhhhhhh the blissful sounds of siblings struggling to get along. Most of us have such visions of our offspring being the world's best buddies, but with kids living under the same roof some bickering is bound to be the outcome. The closer your kids are in age, the more likely the squabbles. While you can't force your kids to like each other, there are ways to fend off some of those battles and some skills you can teach that will minimize jealousies, help them appreciate one another, so they are more apt to get along (and just maybe learn to like each other). Here are a few solutions:

Expect it! Studies show that one third of adults admit to having a rivalous relationship with their sibs. Those squabbles are normal and healthy to a certain extent. Investigations now show that minor sibling tiffs actually help kids learn to handle conflicts and deal with the outside world better.

Tune into your parenting responses. Be honest. Might you be playing favorites or putting too much pressure on one kid or another? Do you: Expect more of one child? Give one kid more attention? Take sides? Encourage rivalry in academics, sports, or popularity by acknowledging one kid over another? Pay equal attention to each child's hobbies, friends, school, and interests? Distribute chores, rewards, and opportunities fairly?

Never compare! Research repeatedly finds that the top reason for sibling rivalry is when parents compare their children. Make this be your sacred vow: Avoid comparisons and emphasize each child's individual strengths instead.

Find time alone for each child. Depending on your schedule, set aside blocks of time when each of your children can have your attention, exclusively. While the other siblings are gone or another adult watches them, take turns taking each of the children on special outings, such as shopping, seeing a movie, or getting ice cream.

Acknowledge cooperation. When you notice your children sharing or playing cooperatively or trying to resolve issues peacefully, let them know you are proud of their behavior. If the children know you appreciate their efforts, they are more inclined to repeat them. "I really appreciate how you two worked things out calmly this time. Good for you." "I noticed how you both made an effort to help each other figure out how to put the DVDs away. Nice job."

Stay neutral. Most research finds that the more involved you get in those tiffs, the more likely the sibling rivalry. Siblings need to learn how to work problems out on their own. So intervene when emotions are high, before an argument escalates. If the conflict does get heated, stay neutral and make suggestions only when your kids seem stuck.

Let each kid tell the story. In the case of hurt feelings or a battle, ask each kid to take turns explaining what happened. Doing so helps each child (especially a younger or less verbal one) feel they have been heard. No interrupting is allowed, and everyone gets a turn. You might need to set a timer for "equal talking time." When the sibling is finished, briefly restate her view to show you do understand.

Teach kids problem solving skills. Do teach your kids simple ways to solve their problems. Some of the best are "oldie but goodie" techniques that reduce squabbles such as: rock, paper, scissors; drawing straws, tossing a coin, oven timers ("You can use it until the timer goes off, then it's my turn"), tossing a dice ("Highest number chooses first"). They are great sanity savers for now, but also teach beginning negotiation skills our kids will need for later.

Start family meetings. Don't let animosity build up amongst siblings. It only lead to more conflicts and resentment. Instead, provide the opportunity for each child to be able to express their feelings and concerns and work through issues considered unfair such as in Family meetings. Some families set up a "Concern Box" where kids can request a "mediation" with the family member and parent present to help them work things out.

The secret is to find a way for kids to vent their feelings in a healthy way and not let them build into rivalry.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.