Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com

Over the years I've received hundreds questions from parents, but by far the largest number deal with how to help kids handle anger. Here is just one of those queries:

Dear Dr. Borba,
My son has such a good heart, but what a temper! He has all this excess energy and whenever he's upset, he kicks and punches anyone or anything in sight. We've tried time outs, withholding privileges, and even spanking, but it's not working. How can I help him handle his anger?
- Pam W., a concerned mom from Tampa, Florida

If you want your kid to handle anger more appropriately then he must learn substitute behaviors to relieve that pent-up energy. Some parents swear that learning the deep breathing yoga techniques helped their kids manage their anger. The trick is to find what works for your child so he can learn how to take control of his temper. And then you must help your child practice that technique over and over until it finally becomes a habit and your child can use it without your guidance. That may take time, so hang in there. You should see a gradual diminishment of the anger as your child gains self-control and applies the "anger replacer" skill.

Each child is different so it's best to use the trial and error approach: teach a strategy and then watch to see how your child responds. If the strategy and your child seem to "click" then focus on that one technique by practicing it again and again until your child can use it alone.

Here are a few other solutions that help kids handle their hot feelings in healthier ways:

Many parents say that explaining death to children is one of the toughest topics. So if you haven't had that talk, are you ready this afternoon? Chances are highly likely that your child will ask you about death -- if not today, then sometime soon. After all, the passing of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett is not only front page news, but also the hot playground topic.

When kids are the ones delivering the news, chances are also high that the facts about death will be wrong. Now is the time to open up the discussion, explain death to your child in terms he understands, and answer any questions. Children's understanding of death differs vastly from adults, so here are a few points to review before you have that conversation.

Describe death in physical terms. Clarify that death means that life stops, the deceased cannot return, and the body is buried: "Farrah Fawcett stopped breathing, eating, walking and so she is no longer feeling pain, worrying or hungry." "Michael Jackson died because his heart stopped beating." Anything less simple and explicit can cause confusion and be misinterpreted by the child.

Be honest, open, and direct. Clear up any misunderstandings about death your child may have. Give the details your child needs to know. Withhold those facts that are not in your child's best interests. If you don't have an answer just admit you don't know.

Be prepared for tough questions. The American Academy of Pediatrics says kids are most likely to ask these five questions: "What is death?" "What made the person die?" "Where is the person now?" "Can it happen to me?" "Who will take care of me?"

Avoid euphemisms. Keep in mind that your child may not grasp the concept of death and take your comments literally. So refrain from statements like: "He is in a deep sleep." "She was laid to rest." "He slipped away." "She is resting peacefully." "She was very sick and the illness made her die." "God took her away." Such comments are often confusing and can cause children worry that the same thing may happen to them as well: ("If I'm sick I may die, too." "If I go to sleep, I will go to heaven.")

Be prepared for tough questions. Michael Jackson was 50 and a father of younger children. Your child may ask: "Will you die?" It's fine for you to answer, "Not for a long time. I'm taking care of myself and I'm just fine."

Your child may ask the same question over and over. That's just how children process information. Encourage those questions and tell your child to come to you anytime. You want this information to come from you so your child gets the right facts about death as well as any other topic.  A child's understanding of death varies by different ages and stages.

It's been ten years, but I am still haunted by the memory. It was in Ottawa, Canada. I had just finished giving a keynote address on bullying to a large group of educators in Ottawa. A gentleman was quietly waiting by the stairs to speak with me. As I approached him, he silently handed me a picture of an adorable eleven-year old boy. With tears in his eyes, the man explained that the photo was his son who had hung himself because he was bullied. He said he had to talk to me. He'd listened to my speech and knew that if people had only listened to what I said about bullying, his son would be alive today. He asked me to please keep warning parents of the consequence, and then he hugged me quietly walked away.

I've carried that child's photo in my purse and shared it with hundreds of parents and educators everywhere I speak. It's my reminder that adults need to take bullying far more seriously, tune into our children closer, and step in so a child does not have deal with cold-blooded cruel attacks alone. It has got to stop and it is not.

Studies find that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. And this cruel behavior is only increasing with age. A recent study prepared for the American Psychological Association showed that 80 percent of middle school students admitted to bullying behavior in the prior 30 days. Research shows bullying is escalating and bullies are more likely to be aggressive and could carry a weapon.

There is also another danger as well. The United States Secret Service studied over 30 school shootings. Could they determine a profile of a school shooter? The answer was no, but they did find one commonality: each shooter had been bullied intensely by peers, and no adult ever intervened. Bullied children can become bullies.

So what do you do if your child is repeatedly bullied and your previous efforts fail and worse yet the bullying intensifies? You may have done everything you can to try and help, but the bullying does not stop. Do know that is sadly predictable. Bullying is almost always a repeated behavior. That means once a child is targeted she usually continues to be targeted. If this is your child, you must intervene. A bullied child cannot solve this problem on her own.

Here are nine things to do if your previous efforts fail and bullying intensifies.

If your child is bullied it means that peers are intentionally causing her pain. If this is happening to your child, please know that your son or daughter is not alone. By some estimates, one in seven American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is far more frequent and aggressive than ever before.

While you can't always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. I reviewed hundreds of articles on bullying to find tips to pass onto parents. I also wrote a proposal to end school bullying and violence that became SB1667 and passed into law.

Here are some of those solutions to help your child navigate a vicious social jungle and deal with bullies:

Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school. So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem.

Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.

Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.

So Jon and Kate finally made the big announcement last night and will be going their separate ways. Tweets overloaded, bloggers went into high gear and every talk show host asked the same questions: "Will the show go on?" "How will Kate manage alone?" "Will Jon marry his girlfriend?" "How will they handle the finances?"

But in the next few days and weeks the real focus needs to be on these eight children and helping them cope. After all, one of the most stressful events in a child's life is the news that mom and dad are divorcing--only the death of a parent is ranked higher. And the truth is there is no telling how a family breakup affects a child. Factors involved include: age and gender (adolescents and boys seem to suffer the most), if there are other disruptions such as changes in home or school, the degree they were brought into the conflict, the quality of the relationship they had with each parent, the child's temperament, and the degree of parental conflict before and after the divorce. In this unique situation the media frenzy and hype can only increase anxiety.

There is no predicting how a child will respond to a family breakup, but here are common symptoms to watch for in their children: Five-year-olds often have difficult time expressing concerns about parental conflict divorce so they may be confused and anxious. They sometimes feel responsible and may believe that if they are really good (or stop "misbehaving") their parents will stop fighting. Nightmares, behavioral regressions, anger or defiance are common. Slightly older children may respond with sorrow, embarrassment, resentment, regression or anger and may act out, display regression, clinginess, insecurity or seek a lot of attention.

Kate Gosselin of the infamous Jon & Kate Plus 8 was photographed spanking her child. Oh my! I know this is probably "old news"--every media outlet from here to Cape Town probably covered it, but with all the flurry that Kate herself succumbed to that ancient parenting tool, my email box is suddenly loaded with "spanking" queries. It seems good 'ol Mommy Guilt is alive and churning in the U.S.A.

Well, "why not spank?" you wonder. It's quick, it's familiar (at least to parents who were themselves spanked as children) and it usually gets kids to stop the offending behavior-at least temporarily. And data shows 70% of Americans do spank. So let's get two things straight: First, a swat or two is not going to psychologically damage your kid for life. Nor will a spank cause your little munchkin to become the next Hannibal Lecter. Relax.

The key question is whether spanking is really the best discipline method. And here's the research every parents should know: In June 27, 2002 The Associated Press released Columbia University's analysis of six decades of research on corporal punishment. Results linked spanking to ten negative behaviors including aggression, anti-social behavior and mental health problems. Although many parents are unaware of it, continual spanking can have long-term negative effects. Plus it doesn't work that well in stopping bad behaviors. Really. Honest.

Here are ten reasons I'd advise you to consider using another discipline technique other than spanking to curb your kids' bad attitudes or troublesome behaviors:

1. Spanking stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kid doesn't know how to act differently.

2. Spanking teaches the child not how to act right, but how not to get caught when the parent is around. He becomes a champion in manipulation.

3. The child is much more likely to remember the punishment than why he was punished. He behaves out of fear instead of because he wants to act right.

4. It teaches that hitting solves problems. Kids must learn acceptable, nonviolent alternatives to solve problems.

5. Spanking teaches children to behave through "external control" (the punishment). It does not teach kids self-control-or "internal control."

6. Spanking sends a huge mixed message: "It's fine for adults to hit, but not kids."

7. Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.

8. Spanking squelches empathy. Empathy-being considerate to another's needs and feelings-is the cornerstone of moral growth. Studies find that children's empathy is diminished when their parents control their kids through anger.

9. Spanking exposes children to violence. Learning comes through example. Spanking is an aggressive act, showing children their parents acting in an out-of-control manner.

10. Spanking doesn't teach new behavior.  Spanking teaches not how to behave right, but how to shout, hit, manipulate, and control others through fear. It also fails to teach a critical discipline lesson: "So why should I behave?"

There are many ways to effectively discipline children without resorting to corporal punishment. Withhold privileges, grounding, assign extra chores, require restitute or use time-out are a few options. The important thing is to set the consequence ahead of time, make it fit the crime, and then carry through with it every time your child misbehaves.

The goal of all discipline is to teach your child to take responsibility for his choices-it's part of helping him grow into a healthy, self-reliant and decent human being.


Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Thinking of having your kid fly alone to visit someone this summer? After this week's news you just may want to rethink your plans.

It seems yet another unaccompanied minor flying to visit Grandma and Grandpa was someone "misplaced" by an airline and landed in not only in the wrong city, but the wrong state! I'm well aware that airlines frequently misplace luggage (why I've learned long ago to never ever check a bag), but I'm still baffled as to how it is that airplane employees can misplace a ten-year-old child.

In this case Dad did all the "right" things to ensure that his ten-year-old daughter was delivered safely to her grandparents. Dad filled out the required airline paperwork for Continental Airlines, walked his daughter to the gate at Logan International Airport with an airline employee, and even watched his child board the plane while his parents waited patiently at the Cleveland gate for her arrival. Despite all those efforts, the daughter landed in Newark, NJ leaving two grandparents and her dad frantically trying to track her whereabouts for 45 minutes. (Can you imagine the terror?) All because the flight crew of the connecting flight failed to check the young girl's paperwork (which was hanging prominently around her neck) and escorted her to the wrong aircraft.

The good news is that the ten-year-old is safe and sound and with her grandparents. Meanwhile I'm sure most parents hearing this are in full panic mode about letting their kids fly solo anytime in the near future - if ever.

So what 's a parent to do? In divorced families there isn't always an option when it comes to kids visiting their other parent. And spending a summer with grandparents is many a kid's fondest memory. My advice:  Don't be too quick to cancel your child's flight reservation --just yet anyway.

I know from personal experience that there are hundreds of kids who fly alone and really do land in the right city. I've also watched dozens of responsible airline employees help kids board planes, review their paperwork, give out individual safety instructions, and firmly let those minors know they are "not to move" until they are personally escorted to the next plane by a designated employee. Still there are always stories like this one that remind us that the unaccompanied minor system is not fail-proof. The parenting solution for this dilemma involves five quick tests to help assess whether your kid is really ready to fly alone in the friendly skies.

Are you aware of that kids can lose an upward of three month's worth of reading progress during this summer break? The famous "summer reading slide" is well documented and shows that learning declines in all kids during these lazy, crazy days, but especially in reading. Kent State education professor, Timothy Rasinski , points out that this can mean a loss of one-and-a-half years of reading achievement through the sixth grade!

But don't despair. The reverse is also possible. Reading just a few books before school starts can save kids from the summer reading loss. Studies also show that parents play a crucial role particularly on their older kids' reading attitudes and behaviors, as well as helping to find the right book to capture their interest.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Here are nine parenting solutions to get kids reading, beat that dreaded summer reading slump, and hopefully even rekindle that great love of the printed page.

1. Let them pick. A study by Scholastic found that 89% of kids say their favorite books are the ones they pick. Kids also say a big reason they don't read is that they don't like what we selected for them. So get your child involved in the selection. If he has difficulties finding the right book, talk to a children's librarian, check into a resource on great books kids like to read, or ask other kids for ideas. Or check out iVillage's best series reads for tweens.

2. Find the right level. The big trick is finding reading material appropriate to your child's reading level--not too high or not too low. Check your child's last report card or reading achievement scores, which may give you a clue as to what is appropriate for your kid.

3. Think outside the book. Don't be too picky as to what your kid reads: Cereal boxes, cartoons, the sports page, baseball cards, those new graphic comic book novels are fine. Find what piques your kid's interest. What are his hobbies? What are other kids reading? Remember, the literary merit is trivial--getting your kid to feel comfortable with reading is what matters.

4. Set aside time to read. Kids say the biggest reason they don't read for fun is there isn't just enough time, so carve out a few minutes a day. Hint: Eliminating just one TV show or activity will free up 30 minutes a week to read. Set aside a time where everyone reads and make it a family routine. Encourage your older kid to read to a younger sibling.

After all the test-taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring and acceptance-waiting, the big event is almost here.  Your child will soon be leaving for college.  But is your teen really ready to handle life away from home sweet home?

If you've suddenly realized that your same high school grad who passed those SATs with flying colors can't change a light bulb or balance a checkbook, believe me you're not alone. Many parents are dealing with those same anxiety pangs. The good news is there are still a few weeks left before those final goodbyes.

Here are four steps you can use to help your college bound teen really be ready to handle life solo style. Just keep in mind that the move in date is quickly approaching so best to start this one ASAP.

STEP 1: IDENTIFY "AWAY FROM HOME" NEEDS
Over the next days/weeks tune into your teen and determine which life skills he can and can't do without your help. Then create a list of what your teen needs to learn like changing a tire, making a doctor's appointment, using a microwave, paying a bill, using a fire extinguisher, writing down appointments, balancing a savings account or doing laundry. Keep adding to that list of what life skills you think your teen needs for the environment he'll be living in.

STEP 2: MAKE A REALISTIC PLAN
Look over that list and prioritize what your teen really needs to learn and what is realistic to teach in the time you have left. Get your teen involved by asking what she feels she lacks in the "handling life" department. Then use a calendar to create your teaching plan. Write a different life lesson you plan to review before your teen leaves home for each week.

STEP 3: TEACH SKILLS FOR INDEPENDENCE
Zero in on one area each week before those college doors open. The goal is to ensure mastery so your teen can do the task without you. First teach by going through the task together and explaining each step so that she knows what to do. Only use real life examples. For instance, if you're teaching her to write a check, go to the bank and set up a real checking account, then require her to use that checkbook from now until school starts. Finally supervise to ensure that she can handle the job solo.

STEP 4: START BACKING OFF
Once your teen knows how to do the task alone, then back off. No more rescuing. Instead, begin to teach another skills. Your new parenting mantra to follow is: Never do for your child what he can do for himself. This is also the time to slowly start expanding that curfew and his responsibilities.

Of course, the real secret is not waiting until that move out day to teach these critical life lessons. So roll up your sleeves and start in. There's a wonderful Navaho proverb that says, "We raise our kids to leave us." Turn these next weeks in parenting to achieve that goal.

So what are you waiting for? The clock is ticking and the big count down is on. GO!


Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

A Response to the Tragic Holocaust Museum Shooting

I'm sure you read the news about how a man opened fire with a rifle inside the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum packed with children killing a security guard. Law enforcement officers identified the suspect as James Wenneker von Brunn, an 88 year-old white supremacist and author of the book, "Kill the Best Gentiles." According to FBI statistics, 7,624 hate crime incidents were reported in 2007. The Southern Poverty Law Center reports that those stats are "severely flawed" and much higher. But here' the real cause for alarm...

Did you know that today's American youth are displaying intolerant actions at alarming rates-and at younger and younger ages? The FBI tells us most hate crimes are committed by youth younger than nineteen.

Remember: Kids aren't born hateful and prejudices are learned. Hatred and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy and tolerance. If today's children are to have any chance of living harmoniously in this multi-ethnic world, it is critical that parents nurture it. Here are seven parenting solutions you can use that help curtail bigotry while at the same time influence your kids to treat others with respect and understanding.

1. Confront your own prejudices. The first step to nurturing tolerance is to examine your own prejudices and reflect on how you might be projecting those ideas to your child. Chances are that you are communicating those attitudes to your child. Make a conscious attempt to temper them so that they don't become your child's prejudices.

2. Commit to raising a tolerant child. Parents who think through how they want their kids to turn out usually succeed simply because they planned their parenting efforts. So if you really want your child to respect diversity, you must adopt a conviction early on to raise him to do so. Once your child knows your expectations, he will be more likely to embrace your principles.

3. Refuse to allow discriminatory comments. When you hear prejudicial comments, verbalize your displeasure. How you respond sends a clear message to your child about your values: "That's disrespectful and I won't allow such things to be said in my house," or "That's a biased comment, and I don't want to hear it." Your child needs to hear your discomfort so that she knows you really walk your talk. It also models a response she should imitate if prejudicial comments are made in her presence.