Parenting Secrets with Dr. Michele Borba : Blogs at iVillage.com
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- Parenting Secrets
“So Mom, when did you lose your virginity?”
“What kind of drugs did you do, Dad?”
“How many times did you do it?”
Kids have always said the darnedest things, but these days they’re also asking embarrassing and frank questions about their parents’ past lives: “How old were you when you took your first drink?” “Did you and dad hook up before you were married?” “What do you mean you didn’t inhale?”
Their questions shouldn’t come as any big shock. After all, this is the Facebook Generation where kids routinely post each and every vivid detail of their personal lives and have been exposed to sordid R-rated indiscretions and national scandals of celebrities and politicians from such young ages. So it really shouldn’t come as any surprise when your kid asks about your past dalliances with drugs, drinking, and sex. Which poses the real question: “Have you thought about how you’ll answer your teen?”
“What kind of drugs did you do, Dad?”
“How many times did you do it?”
Kids have always said the darnedest things, but these days they’re also asking embarrassing and frank questions about their parents’ past lives: “How old were you when you took your first drink?” “Did you and dad hook up before you were married?” “What do you mean you didn’t inhale?”
Their questions shouldn’t come as any big shock. After all, this is the Facebook Generation where kids routinely post each and every vivid detail of their personal lives and have been exposed to sordid R-rated indiscretions and national scandals of celebrities and politicians from such young ages. So it really shouldn’t come as any surprise when your kid asks about your past dalliances with drugs, drinking, and sex. Which poses the real question: “Have you thought about how you’ll answer your teen?”
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
For the last several years my son has been hanging out with a boy in the neighborhood that is 2 years older than he is. They have always just played basketball, ridden 4 wheelers and participated in sports together. My son is now 14 and is in the 7th grade and the boy he hangs out with is 16 and in the 10th grade. His friend just got his driver's license and my son wants to ride in the car with him. Although they are only 2 years apart in age, they are 3 years apart in grade. He can't understand why his Dad and I won't let him ride in the car with his friend and why we don't think it is appropriate for him to be in 10th grade social activities. They are both good kids who do not get into any trouble which makes it more difficult to explain to him why he can't do this. Any suggestions?
--Elizabeth
I can see your dilemma and understand your concern about your son driving in a car with an inexperienced driver. I can also see why your son is having a tough time buying into your decision. The problem is he’s a good kid and he’s been friends with this boy for while, and they’re never in trouble. (Everyone should have such problems eh?) The boys have shared a lot of memories and interests together. So telling your son he can’t hang around with this kid now—after all this time together—is going to be a hard sale. Their “two year” age difference isn’t going to fly with your kid.
But you still have big time grounds as to why you should not let your son drive in the car with his friend who just got his driver’s license. Here’s your argument, Mom:
This year the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia revealed disturbing study results after analyzing hundreds of data on kids and driving:
I predict the three-year grade spread difference is going to pull these two kids apart over the next year. But meanwhile use the summer as an opportunity to look for avenues that will help your son find other friends. A camp? Another sport? Inviting other kids over?
One hint: Teens find friends based on the “similarity principle” (the other kid shares the same interests and values, which is probably why your son is so attracted to his older friend). The trick is to figure out your son’s natural passions and interests and find kids (or activities) who are similar.
Meanwhile, stick to your guns. Don’t let your son get in the car with a new driver. California (where I live) passed a law that a new licensed driver may not have a passenger who is not related to him for several months.
I’ll add a personal note to this: Over the past years I’ve had five friends living in different parts of the country lose their incredible, loving, good and glorious sons to driving accidents. No parent should have to endure such a loss.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
For the last several years my son has been hanging out with a boy in the neighborhood that is 2 years older than he is. They have always just played basketball, ridden 4 wheelers and participated in sports together. My son is now 14 and is in the 7th grade and the boy he hangs out with is 16 and in the 10th grade. His friend just got his driver's license and my son wants to ride in the car with him. Although they are only 2 years apart in age, they are 3 years apart in grade. He can't understand why his Dad and I won't let him ride in the car with his friend and why we don't think it is appropriate for him to be in 10th grade social activities. They are both good kids who do not get into any trouble which makes it more difficult to explain to him why he can't do this. Any suggestions?--Elizabeth
I can see your dilemma and understand your concern about your son driving in a car with an inexperienced driver. I can also see why your son is having a tough time buying into your decision. The problem is he’s a good kid and he’s been friends with this boy for while, and they’re never in trouble. (Everyone should have such problems eh?) The boys have shared a lot of memories and interests together. So telling your son he can’t hang around with this kid now—after all this time together—is going to be a hard sale. Their “two year” age difference isn’t going to fly with your kid. But you still have big time grounds as to why you should not let your son drive in the car with his friend who just got his driver’s license. Here’s your argument, Mom:
This year the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia revealed disturbing study results after analyzing hundreds of data on kids and driving:
- Car crashes are the leading cause of death for tweens and teens.
- Nearly 10,000 youths have died as passengers in car crashes. Of those crashes, 54% were riding with a teen driver.
- The most dangerous driving circumstances for youth are driving with inexperienced, than-a-year-male drivers on high-speed roads.
- Most crashes happen from 6am to 10pm.
I predict the three-year grade spread difference is going to pull these two kids apart over the next year. But meanwhile use the summer as an opportunity to look for avenues that will help your son find other friends. A camp? Another sport? Inviting other kids over?
One hint: Teens find friends based on the “similarity principle” (the other kid shares the same interests and values, which is probably why your son is so attracted to his older friend). The trick is to figure out your son’s natural passions and interests and find kids (or activities) who are similar.
Meanwhile, stick to your guns. Don’t let your son get in the car with a new driver. California (where I live) passed a law that a new licensed driver may not have a passenger who is not related to him for several months.
I’ll add a personal note to this: Over the past years I’ve had five friends living in different parts of the country lose their incredible, loving, good and glorious sons to driving accidents. No parent should have to endure such a loss.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along but I feel as though my boyfriend doesnt have that same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son... Especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. Cannot color, cannot read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the tv he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying... My son is a good kid, he doesnt misbehave, doesnt have fights in school, he doesnt talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesnt focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is; Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe alittle and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.
--Jessica Diaz
I read your note and am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severly damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.
Your boyfriend is threatening to your child ("I will hit you.") The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week - and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)
Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple" - it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "Forgive and Forget." The parent and child relationship remains entact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that is fair and reasonable.
PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being. I am also concerned about you. Are you safe? Are you being threatened? Do not show this note to your boyfriend if you feel at all threatened. Probably best not to anyway. Get help. If you need to know what to do next, please write me again and I'll direct you further. I cannot stress the long-term affect how your child is being treated will have on his life.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along but I feel as though my boyfriend doesnt have that same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son... Especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. Cannot color, cannot read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the tv he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying... My son is a good kid, he doesnt misbehave, doesnt have fights in school, he doesnt talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesnt focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is; Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe alittle and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.--Jessica Diaz
I read your note and am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severly damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging. Your boyfriend is threatening to your child ("I will hit you.") The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week - and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)
Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple" - it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "Forgive and Forget." The parent and child relationship remains entact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that is fair and reasonable.
PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being. I am also concerned about you. Are you safe? Are you being threatened? Do not show this note to your boyfriend if you feel at all threatened. Probably best not to anyway. Get help. If you need to know what to do next, please write me again and I'll direct you further. I cannot stress the long-term affect how your child is being treated will have on his life.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Summer is just around the corner and that can mean new challenges for parents! Many parents are faced with new issues as school lets out. From what to do with your kids while you're at work to keeping them busy without school, there are lots of issues that come up during the summer months.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions.
- Should they go to a summer camp?
- How early should they play sports?
- Are they old enough for swimming lessons?
- How can you keep them un-bored during time off?
- Are there ways to keep their minds sharp while school is out?
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions.
Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here
on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a
comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
How do i stop my 2 year old tantrums? She likes to scream, get on the floor, the whole works. In public it is hard to deal with. What do I do to train her not do deal with her frustrations in this way?
--Anna
My 6 year old daughter has some annoying habits. If things aren't going her way she gets the worst attitude. One that sometimes includes refusing to do things and having temper tantrums.What do I do?
--Chrissy Mealy
Ahha! Tantrums!!! Rest assured this is one of the most annoying kid behaviors. I get more questions about tantrums then just about any other topic. But there is one huge parenting secret: A tantrum is a device kids use to get what they want because they've learned it works. The secret to stopping them is don't ever give in to the outburst. That said, here are a few tips to start reducing those tantrums.
Step 1. Anticipate the Tantrum to Prevent the Outburst
The biggest mistake we make is waiting until our kids are in full meltdown to deal with their out-of-control behavior. Your best bet is to anticipate its onset before the explosion. Watch for your child's unique tantrum pre-signs-tension, antsy, the first whimper-and immediately redirect his behavior: “Look, at that little boy over there.” “Want to get out of the stroller and push it with Mommy?” Sometimes it helps pointing out your kid's frustration signs: “Looks like you're getting tired. Let's take a walk.” Little tykes don't yet have the maturity to gauge their emotions, so you'll need to be their self-regulator at first. If you see your youngster getting frustrated, that's the time to try calming down techniques to help her stay in control. Get eye to eye and talk soothingly to her: rub her back, hold her gently or hum a relaxing song. Sometimes putting what your child feels into words can stop an explosion: “Waiting is hard, especially when you want to go home right this minute.” She might not have the language to express his frustrations, so hearing you say them can be reassuring. Once you figure out what works best for your child's temperament, use it quickly. Kids' behavior can turn into a full-blown tornado in record time.
Step 2. Set a Zero Tolerance Policy for Tantrums
Once your child explodes, absolutely refuse to interact with your child until the tantrum subsides. She needs to know this behavior will not be tolerated. Don't coax, yell, spank, or try to reason with your kid: it usually never works. Besides, she won't hear you above her screams. Do not respond in any way. Don't even make eye contact. It's sometimes necessary to gently hold a really out-of-control kid to keep him from hurting himself or others, but once he's at a safer point, go about your business.
Step 3. Consistently Use the 'No Tantrum' Policy Everywhere
Once your establish your behavior policy, it's critical that you use the same response every time she acts out so he knows you mean business. That also means when you're in public. Remove your kid from the scene: find a private area or go to the car until she acts right, or leave altogether. Yep, it's inconvenient, but you can't tolerate her inappropriate behavior. Consistency is critical in squelching out-of-control behaviors.
Step 4. Teach Positive Alternatives to Losing Control
When you're both calm, talk about appropriate ways to handle frustrations. Teach her a few feeling words--such as angry, mad, sad, tired or frustrated--then encourage him label how he feels: “I'm mad” or “I feel really cranky.” Though tantrums are never pleasant, you can use them to teach important lessons on communicating needs and handling frustrations appropriately.
Step 5. For Kid OLDER Than Three
The best consequence for persistent tantrums is time out but it generally isn't advisable until around 3 years old. Handle the tantrum the minute it occurs-don't wait to deal with it later. Calmly move your kid to a secluded spot or selected “time out” area. Make sure no TV, toys, or other kids are around. The time out is one minute per age of the child--and time starts once the child is CALM. This must be enforced everyplace and anytime. You should see a gradual diminishment in the behavior. Gradual. BE CONSISTENT.
Hang tough Moms!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
How do i stop my 2 year old tantrums? She likes to scream, get on the floor, the whole works. In public it is hard to deal with. What do I do to train her not do deal with her frustrations in this way?--Anna
My 6 year old daughter has some annoying habits. If things aren't going her way she gets the worst attitude. One that sometimes includes refusing to do things and having temper tantrums.What do I do?--Chrissy Mealy
Ahha! Tantrums!!! Rest assured this is one of the most annoying kid behaviors. I get more questions about tantrums then just about any other topic. But there is one huge parenting secret: A tantrum is a device kids use to get what they want because they've learned it works. The secret to stopping them is don't ever give in to the outburst. That said, here are a few tips to start reducing those tantrums. Step 1. Anticipate the Tantrum to Prevent the Outburst
The biggest mistake we make is waiting until our kids are in full meltdown to deal with their out-of-control behavior. Your best bet is to anticipate its onset before the explosion. Watch for your child's unique tantrum pre-signs-tension, antsy, the first whimper-and immediately redirect his behavior: “Look, at that little boy over there.” “Want to get out of the stroller and push it with Mommy?” Sometimes it helps pointing out your kid's frustration signs: “Looks like you're getting tired. Let's take a walk.” Little tykes don't yet have the maturity to gauge their emotions, so you'll need to be their self-regulator at first. If you see your youngster getting frustrated, that's the time to try calming down techniques to help her stay in control. Get eye to eye and talk soothingly to her: rub her back, hold her gently or hum a relaxing song. Sometimes putting what your child feels into words can stop an explosion: “Waiting is hard, especially when you want to go home right this minute.” She might not have the language to express his frustrations, so hearing you say them can be reassuring. Once you figure out what works best for your child's temperament, use it quickly. Kids' behavior can turn into a full-blown tornado in record time.
Step 2. Set a Zero Tolerance Policy for Tantrums
Once your child explodes, absolutely refuse to interact with your child until the tantrum subsides. She needs to know this behavior will not be tolerated. Don't coax, yell, spank, or try to reason with your kid: it usually never works. Besides, she won't hear you above her screams. Do not respond in any way. Don't even make eye contact. It's sometimes necessary to gently hold a really out-of-control kid to keep him from hurting himself or others, but once he's at a safer point, go about your business.
Step 3. Consistently Use the 'No Tantrum' Policy Everywhere
Once your establish your behavior policy, it's critical that you use the same response every time she acts out so he knows you mean business. That also means when you're in public. Remove your kid from the scene: find a private area or go to the car until she acts right, or leave altogether. Yep, it's inconvenient, but you can't tolerate her inappropriate behavior. Consistency is critical in squelching out-of-control behaviors.
Step 4. Teach Positive Alternatives to Losing Control
When you're both calm, talk about appropriate ways to handle frustrations. Teach her a few feeling words--such as angry, mad, sad, tired or frustrated--then encourage him label how he feels: “I'm mad” or “I feel really cranky.” Though tantrums are never pleasant, you can use them to teach important lessons on communicating needs and handling frustrations appropriately.
Step 5. For Kid OLDER Than Three
The best consequence for persistent tantrums is time out but it generally isn't advisable until around 3 years old. Handle the tantrum the minute it occurs-don't wait to deal with it later. Calmly move your kid to a secluded spot or selected “time out” area. Make sure no TV, toys, or other kids are around. The time out is one minute per age of the child--and time starts once the child is CALM. This must be enforced everyplace and anytime. You should see a gradual diminishment in the behavior. Gradual. BE CONSISTENT.
Hang tough Moms!
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them .
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